Romance (7 page)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, if I may, that is the subject, which brings us before the Court.

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I should like to respond.

JUDGE:
G
O
ahead.

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, if I may. We “do,” as the court put it, neither more or less than the Heterosexuals. Wth as much right. Under the Law. To Privacy, to Dignity, to …

JUDGE:
… and then you watch black and white films, right?
{Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
What is it offends you in the Color Process?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, the representatives of Two Great Peoples.

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, it is not the color process
per se;
but the decay of storytelling, generally acknowledged as concurrent with, though not occasioned by, the introduction of color.

JUDGE:
I
S
that so.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, Your Honor?

JUDGE:
What?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, we have an infallible plan to bring Peace to the Middle East.

PROSECUTOR:
There are
fine, fine
color films.

BAILIFF:
Drums Along the Mohawk …

JUDGE:
I saw that film. It has a lot of Indians.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Indeed it does, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
And that illustrates my point. That
people …
what was I saying … ?

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I can see the Court is tired, and if I may suggest it…

JUDGE:
Shakespeare was
a Jew}

BAILIFF:
And
a Fag …

PROSECUTOR:
Y
OU
ought to know …
BAILIFF:
Excuse me?

PROSECUTOR:
Who mentioned
Drums Along the

Mohawk
… ?

BAILIFF:
I saw it on the airplane …

PROSECUTOR:
Where? To Fire Island … ?

ALL:
(Gently)
Ooooh …
(Phone rings)

BAILIFF:
N
O
, if you must know, to Ibiza …

PROSECUTOR:
(To phone)
Don't call me here.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor …

PROSECUTOR:
(TO
PHONE)
I did
not
burn the pan. And I did
not
burn the pot roast. And I am at work.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
Abraham
Lincoln
was a Jew …

BAILIFF:
He was … ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, the Leaders of Two Middle Eastern …

JUDGE:
Don't interrupt me, boyo. Do you know what I can
do} I
didn't know what I could do, until they stuck me here … what do
I
know… ? “Danny: How'd you like to be a Judge?” “Sure. What's it entail… ?” Sitting up here, reading
National Geographic.
I get
bored}
“Go to jail.” You think I'm kidding … ?

DEFENDANT:
N
O.

JUDGE:
N
O
, what?

DEFENDANT:
N
O
, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
I said, “I can send ‘em to Jail… ?” “You bet your ass.” “Mickey,” I said, “for
what}”
“Anything, Dan. Anything, or nothing.” First time did it feel funny?
Sure.
Like anything. You get used to it. Like sex. You get married. “I can get it anytime.” Weeks pass, you
realize:
There have to be
rules.
A pattern, perhaps, give-and-take. Sometimes she's tired … the things, what are they called … ?

PROSECUTOR:
“Precedents”?
(Phone rings)

JUDGE:
Vibrators.
They aren't called
precedents.
Huh? Are you
fucking
with me?

DEFENDANT:
… Your …

JUDGE:
What would a “precedent” be doing in your bedside table?
{Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
Is
there a limit on my power? Pal? You don't want to know.

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I have a family situation …

JUDGE:
First time I have a mother and her kid. Dad didn't want to pay child support. The mother starts to cry. A more experienced man would have imposed some, some, what are they called … ?

BAILIFF:
Judicial penally.

JUDGE:
Hey,
you
should be doing this job. On the
guy.
I sent the
kid
to jail.

PROSECUTOR:
For
what:

JUDGE:
I don't need a
reason;
all's I need's, this little
hammer
here … N'I'm gone use it till the
batteries
run out.
(JUDGE
looks around)
Where is it? All day I'm thinking: What can I do next? I'm
limited
, though, see, by, uh, by …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… by The Law?

JUDGE:
Yeah, where's my little hammer? Till I learn about this …
What
is it?

BAILIFF:
Community service.

JUDGE:
Community service.
Now
I'm like: “Uh, find a city park, and cut the grass with your teeth” … “tie your clothes into knots, and stuff ‘em down the toilet.” Uh … “shove a
tomato
up your ass,” uh …

DEFENDANT:
… how would that benefit the community?

{Pause)

JUDGE:
You're kidding.

DEFENDANT:
N
O.
(Pause)

JUDGE:
While the offender is so-engaged, is he out exposing himself to schoolchildren … ?

DEFENDANT:
N
O.

JUDGE:
Then shut the fuck up.

PROSECUTOR:
Begging the Court's pardon.

JUDGE:
Fuck you, you little Suck-Ass. What do you say to that?

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor.
(Hangs up phone)
A pressing, a
pressing
familial need, Your Honor,
forces
me to
ask
Your Honor, if we could return to the pro …

JUDGE:
And they're called
vibrators. I
oughta know.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor. We have a plan to bring Peace to the Middle East.

JUDGE:
My God, Man. Why haven't you Spoke Up?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
We have here a method, arrived at by my client…

JUDGE:
D
O
you think I'm Made of Stone?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
The representatives of Two Great Powers.

JUDGE:
D
O
you think one Little Comment at the nineteenth hole
disqualifies
me from feeling for the Poor

Jews?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
, Your Honor, no.

JUDGE:
The poor persecuted Jews and Arabs?

PROSECUTOR:
… Your …

JUDGE:
… who slog it out in heat and in
humidity
we civilized, white folk cannot
imagine
… ?

PROSECUTOR:
… Your …

JUDGE:
Fuck
that.
Yes.
The White Race is unsuited, yes, to labor in that Equatorial Heat. God, in His mercy, assigned
this
people to
rule
and that to
work.
The Darkies, in the field, bent over, singing, swinging their hips in that rhythmic … that… that…

BAILIFF:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
Y
OU
know what, I want to confess …

BAILIFF:
Your Honor, may I…

JUDGE:
Gimme my pills.

BAILIFF:
Your Honor, may I have those, please … ?
(BAILIFF
takes the pills)}

JUDGE:
I want to confess.

BAILIFF:
Your Honor, the listed side effects for your prescription …

JUDGE:
Fuck that, into a cocked hat. I want to confess.

BAILIFF:
Court is adjourned …

JUDGE:
Unh
Uh
, Unh
Uh.

BAILIFF:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
Everyone else gets to confess. You guilty, guilty scum. “The dog ate my homework.” “I had a Twinkie, that's why I shot the Pope.” What fucking bullshit. And I am forced, in the name of a “paycheck,” to, to feed my “little ones,” Lil Mickey, Lil Sue. Susie? What did I do? Susie I, I was
drunk.
That ever happen to you? One night. I swear to God one night. Two nights, at most. Susie? I didn't think that you'd
remember.

BAILIFF:
… court is adjourned …

(The
BAILIFF
starts to lead the
JUDGE
away.)

JUDGE:
D
O
kids remember that far back?

BAILIFF:
Your Honor …

JUDGE:
Do
they?
I
don't know. I'm asking. Anybody have kids?

PROSECUTOR:
I …

JUDGE:
I just can't take the burden anymore. What am I…
Switzerland}
A country with no
feelings
… ? You think that I don't have feelings? What do you think, I'm made of Curds and Whey? I'm flesh and blood, like any other man. Look, look, look, if you
cut
me, do I not bleed? Gimme that letter opener.

BAILIFF:
Short recess …
(Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Well. It seems …

(The
JUDGE
comes back into the courtroom, the
BAILIFF
behind him)

BAILIFF:
All rise.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, my client and I…

JUDGE:
D
O
you know, I once had an affair, with the Only Ugly Girl in Iceland … ?
(Pause)
Now, you say how ugly was she … ?
(Pause)

ALL:
H
OW
ugly was she … ?

JUDGE:
H
OW
ugly do you think she was?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor:
(He reads from his petition.)
“How can the Unitary be Divided? How can the sundered be conjoined … ? Through fluid, dynamic stasis …

DEFENDANT:
… brought about…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… through rationalization of the ligatures and, thus, the osteoporotic stem of life.

DEFENDANT:
… the spine.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Thus conducing …

DEFENDANT:
Yes …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
… to peace. Christ's brilliance …”

JUDGE:
“Jesus” Christ?

DEFENDANT:
… I thought that we weren't going to put that in … ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
N
O
, we agreed.

JUDGE:
“Jesus”
Christ… ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Well, yes. Yes. Your Honor? We have a petition …

DEFENDANT:
I thought you were going to take that out…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
If Your Honor would consent, merely,
merely:
to release us, for—
{Checks his watch)
—the next half hour, we, Christian and Jew, have a method …

JUDGE:
“N
O
no no I will not let you go.” Who said that?

Anybody
… ?

PROSECUTOR:
Pharaoh.

BAILIFF:
Your Honor …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor:

JUDGE:
What… ?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Christ's brilliance, Christ's brilliance, Your Honor, like that of Moses, like that of the Prophet…

JUDGE:
The Prophet.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Mohammed.

JUDGE:
Mohammed. The Prophet of Islam.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
That's right.

JUDGE:
(NOW
STRIPPED DOWN TO HIS UNDERSHIRT)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, then, let's be Very Careful what we say about them.
(Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Their Teachings …

JUDGE:
… hold on: Let's slow it
down:
the the the, the people we're
talking
about.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Yes.

JUDGE:
With the “things” … around their head …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Yes …

JUDGE:
Their “teachings” …

PROSECUTOR:
Ancient,
ancient
religion …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Consist in a message of Peace.
(Pause)

JUDGE:
I don't think they can object to that, can they?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, no.
(Pause)

JUDGE:
Those, fine, fine people …

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Urn …

JUDGE:
Because I'd hate to tick them off.

PROSECUTOR:
I'm with you
there
, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
And I'm not just saying that because they have all the oil…

PROSECUTOR:
No.