Romance (2 page)

PROSECUTOR:
All right. You are a chiropodist, are you not?

DEFENDANT:
I am not.

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, I ask that the defendant be instructed to …

DEFENDANT:
I am a chiropractor.

PROSECUTOR:
I beg your pardon, I intended to say chiropractor. You are a chiropractor, are you not?

DEFENDANT:
I am.

JUDGE:
And I would like to apologize for being late.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Not at all, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Y
OU
people are giving
up your
time, I see no reason why I should subject you to any further, uh, uh …

PROSECUTOR:
Not at all, Your Honor.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
That's very gracious of you.

JUDGE:
Curiously, I was late because of the parade. I took my
pill
, but I could not remember if I had taken my pill. As they do tend to make one groggy. So I returned to my house. To, to, to take my “pill;” which rendered me late as, on my
leaving
the house, I encountered the Parade.
(Pause)
I would have been on time if not for the …
(Pause)

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Of course, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Parade. A policeman.
Stopped
them, for a moment. Just to let me through. He didn't have to do that. He had no idea who I am. Call me a Weepy Old Fool.

(Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
All right. When, could you tell me, please, did you last leave the country?

DEFENDANT:
Thank you, Your Honor, for the water.

JUDGE:
I need a glass of water, too.

(BAILIFF
goes for the glass of water.)

PROSECUTOR:
When did you last leave the country?

JUDGE:
Because I have to take my pill.

DEFENDANT:
This
country?

JUDGE:
I mentioned the parade.

PROSECUTOR:
Indeed, Your Honor did.
(Pause)

JUDGE:
Good.

PROSECUTOR:
(TO
THE
DEFENDANT)
I
S
this your signature?

DEFENDANT:
(Pause)
I do not know.

PROSECUTOR:
Does it appear to be your signature?
(Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I don't know.

JUDGE:
S
O
many people. But, I suppose, that's the
nature
of a parade.

(A slight susurrus of appreciation)

PROSECUTOR:
Surely you know if it's your signature?

DEFENDANT:
I …

PROSECUTOR:
I
S
it
like
your signature?

DEFENDANT:
Yes.

PROSECUTOR:
In what way?
(Pause)

DEFENDANT:
… it is written … it is written similarly to my signature …

PROSECUTOR:
It
is … (Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I just said so.

PROSECUTOR:
Similarly to your signature. Fine.

JUDGE:
I guess what I am trying to say is this: We get caught up in the “form,” the Law, Religion, Nationality … uh … skin color. And then, and then,
miraculously, miraculously
, now and then, and by the grace of God, we are free. And see, that, underneath, we love each other.

ALL:
Mmm.

JUDGE:
That two world leaders, steeped in
enmity … (Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Momentous days, Your Honor.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Yes, momentous days, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
I think we can so stipulate.

(Laughter from the two attorneys.)

JUDGE:
And I'm not even Jewish …

PROSECUTOR:
On the date in question …

JUDGE:
Y
OU
know, I'd like to take that back. I don't even know why I say “not even.” I believe a more “neutral” expression might have been “And I'm not Jewish.”
(Pause)
Proceed.

PROSECUTOR:
H
OW
does this signature differ from your signature?
(Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I don't know.

PROSECUTOR:
Y
OU
said this resembles your signature In Part.

DEFENDANT:
I did …

PROSECUTOR:
Let me
suggest
to you that I would like you to
inform
me in what way this
differs
from your signature.
(Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I don't know.

PROSECUTOR:
Then would you say they are the same?

JUDGE:
One moment.

PROSECUTOR:
Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
The pills, I believe, have made me “drowsy,” and I beg your pardon, but, if you'd indulge me: What is the difference, between a chiropodist and a chiropractor?

DEFENDANT:
A chiropractor aligns the spine, to create both physical and spiritual harmony.

JUDGE:
And the other fellow?

DEFENDANT:
He rubs people's feet.

JUDGE:
For
pay} {Pause)

DEFENDANT:
Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
And you're
which
, now?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, my client is a chiropractor.
{Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
All right. Do you deny this is your signature?

DEFENDANT:
May I have a moment?
{He goes into conference with his attorney.)

JUDGE:
(TO
BAILIFF)
Jimmy: Is it hot in here?

BAILIFF:
Would Your Honor like the window opened?

DEFENDANT:
I can neither deny nor affirm that signature is mine.

PROSECUTOR:
What would assist you?

{Pause. Conference between
DEFENDANT
and his
ATTORNEY)

JUDGE:
N
O
, no, I think I prefer the heat to the noise.

DEFENDANT:
I cannot say that there is any
thing
which would assist me.

JUDGE:
Because it's
noisy.
Well it's
noisier
because of the
parade … {Pause)
So much of life is a choice, between the lesser of two evils.
{Pause)
I suppose that's what I'm
here
for …

ALL:
{Dutiful laughter)

{Pause)

JUDGE:
They rub people's feet for “pay.”

DEFENDANT:
Yes. Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Ah, well…

DEFENDANT:
I quite agree, Your Honor.
{Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
I have here a document, which bears your signature. Do you recognize it?

DEFENDANT:
It is a check.

PROSECUTOR:
It is one of your checks. It bears your account number. Your name is printed on it. It was signed by
you. Do you … and it was honored by the bank. Do you acknowledge it to be your signature? Let me put it differently: Do you
dispute
it?

DEFENDANT:
May I have a rest?

PROSECUTOR:
D
O
you dispute it? A check. In the amount of this credit card bill. The bill contains a charge for two airfares. Here is the credit card slip. Signed by you.

JUDGE:
Y
OU
know …

PROSECUTOR:
Your Honor, if I might continue, here is the check signed by you. Both signatures were accepted as valid, one by the travel agency, one by the bank. You disputed neither.

DEFENDANT:
I might have gone to Hawaii.

PROSECUTOR:
Ah.

DEFENDANT:
But that would not be said to be leaving the country.

PROSECUTOR:
Perhaps you would confine yourself to responding to my questions.

DEFENDANT:
It is not leaving the country.

PROSECUTOR:
What is not?

DEFENDANT:
A trip to Hawaii.

PROSECUTOR:
Y
OU
went
to Hawaii?

DEFENDANT:
I did not say that.

PROSECUTOR:
Yes you did.

DEFENDANT:
But… but… might I… might I finish?
Might
I finish? Might I have an opportunity to
explain
myself? Do you think? In the midst of this, this … in the midst of this inquisition?
(Pause)
Do you think? As one human being, speaking to another? I might
do
that?

PROSECUTOR:
Might I suggest if you wish to have the proceedings terminated happily and quickly you might do well to respond to my questions? Now. Did you, in the months in question, leave the
Mainland}

DEFENDANT:
(Pause)
I do not recall.

JUDGE:
What?

PROSECUTOR:
He does not recall.

JUDGE:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My mind was drifting. He does not recall what?

PROSECUTOR:
If he left the Mainland.

JUDGE:
Isn't that something one would know?

PROSECUTOR:
I quite agree, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Don't you know, son, if you left the Mainland?

DEFENDANT:
I don't recall, sir.

PROSECUTOR:
What would assist you?

DEFENDANT:
I don't know.

PROSECUTOR:
Let me understand you: you do not know if…

DEFENDANT:
I don't know. Yes.

PROSECUTOR:
If you left the Mainland.

JUDGE:
The Mainland of what, please?
{Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
Of, of the Continent.

JUDGE:
And he doesn't
know
that… ?

DEFENDANT:
That is right.
(Pause)

PROSECUTOR:
D
O
you
feel.
Let me put it differently: In your
experience
in this … is such a recollection within the abilities of a reasonable man?
(Pause)

DEFENDANT:
I don't understand.

PROSECUTOR:
… I withdraw the question. And I ask you at this point, if you are suggesting Mental Incapacity.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor …

PROSECUTOR:
D
O
you suggest your inability to retain a date, or movement on your part, over the course of a year, do you put it forth as evidence of Mental Incapacity? Yes or no.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Your Honor, please, this is unnecessary. This is …

DEFENDANT:
If I asked you:

PROSECUTOR:
I beg your pardon, I am not the issue here.

DEFENDANT:
If I asked
anyone. (Pause)
Some … some. Would have a … how can you say it is Mental Incapacity? That's, that's. Vicious. To offer that, excuse me, sir, that's …
anyone
might. Msremember, or …

JUDGE:
That's correct…

PROSECUTOR:
Yes?

JUDGE:
Yes, in a busy life …

PROSECUTOR:
… anyone might disremember …

DEFENDANT:
Or have difficulty remembering …

PROSECUTOR:
Yes …

DEFENDANT:
A
date
, or … that, that… that is, just…

PROSECUTOR:
You're saying that's Human Nature.

DEFENDANT:
Absolutely.

JUDGE:
That is Human Nature. Fellas. Just this morning, I, uh …
(Pause)
People Forget.

PROSECUTOR:
You've said that you have difficulty with your memory. That's right. It is Human Nature. Yes. It is. How does one deal with it?

JUDGE:
I
S
it hot in here?
(Lays his head dawn on the desk)

DEFENDANT:
One, one has, they have Agendas, or …

PROSECUTOR:
People have difficulty remembering, so they have Agendas.

DEFENDANT:
Yes.

PROSECUTOR:
Which they would trust more than their recollections.

DEFENDANT:
Yes. That is the purpose of them.

PROSECUTOR:
That they would prefer notations on a scrap of paper.

DEFENDANT:
A
S
you know.

JUDGE:
{Lifts his head up)
If we could move it along, gentlemen, I am not feeling too …

PROSECUTOR:
… if it please the court.

JUDGE:
I find I'm not feeling too well.

PROSECUTOR:
With the Court's Pardon, if I might, the one instant…

JUDGE:
I found that my mind was drifting. That's not like me.

DEFENDANT:
Many times, Your Honor, sitting for long periods stresses the spine and induces a decrease in the fluid of the dural matter which may cause lapses in attention.

JUDGE:
Yes, you bet, but, in truth? I thought I'd step down, just… just…
{He sneezes.)

BAILIFF:
Gesundheit, Your Honor …

JUDGE:
Thank you. To be a part of the parade. Do you know, just to be a part of it. I wonder if the pollen in
the elm trees near the consulate exacerbated my attack.