Her Secret, His Love-Child (4 page)

She was wearing some pink all-in-one thing with a bright-pink bunny motif on her chest. She looked so cute, his heart wrenched again.

‘She’s beautiful.’

Katrina appeared in his peripheral vision. ‘Yes. Yes, she is.’

‘She’s so tiny.’

Katrina laughed. ‘She may be small, but she has a good set of lungs on her.’

He turned, a smile tilting the corners of his mouth. ‘Does she?’

Katrina nodded. ‘Yes. She’s a determined little miss. I’d say she takes after you in that regard. When she’s hungry, or needs changing, she makes sure everyone in a ten-mile radius know about it.’

‘How old is she?’ he asked, staring back into the pram.

‘She was born on the nineteenth of April, so she’s a little over seven weeks old. She weighed two-point-eight kilograms and was fifty-point-seven centimetres long.’

Alex felt his heart turn over. ‘I wish I’d been there to see her born.’ For the first time, he thought about what Katrina must have gone through. ‘Was it a difficult birth?’

She shrugged. ‘Difficult enough, I suppose. I was in labour for twenty-one hours.’

‘But you’re all right?’

She nodded. ‘I’m fine.’

‘And Samantha?’

‘She’s fine too.’ She smiled. ‘She has all her fingers and toes.’

‘I should have been there,’ he ground out, hands clenched into fists at his side.

Guilt ate into him.

He’d spent years trying not to follow in his father’s footsteps.

And on a business front he’d succeeded.

More than succeeded.

He’d worked two jobs to pay for his university fees. He’d studied when other students had been out partying. And when he’d got his first real job he’d worked his tail off, clawing his way to the top with sheer grit and determination.

On a personal front, it was a different story.

Although he was popular with the ladies, Alex didn’t want to have the kind of relationship his parents had had. Marriage had trapped them in a cauldron of constant fighting and unhappiness.

He preferred to keep his relationships short, sweet and simple.

The minute things started to go south, he just walked away.

And as to having children? Well, they’d been off the agenda too.

Since his father’s blood pumped through his veins, there was a chance—even if it was only a slim one—that he would follow in his father’s footsteps.

After all, he’d inherited lots of other things from him: the physical resemblance was almost uncanny. Alex had seen photos of his father when he was younger, and it was like looking at a photo of himself as he was today.

But it was the other traits—little things that didn’t mean a lot on their own but when put together meant something else entirely—that sent a chill down his spine.

They were both left-handed.

They were both allergic to peanuts and strawberries.

They both had a habit of running their hands through
their hair and around the back of their necks. Every now and then, Alex would catch himself doing it and would shiver at the likeness.

The list was endless.

If he’d inherited all of those things, what was to say his father’s abusive nature hadn’t been inbred in him and was just waiting for the right time to show itself?

James Webber had abused his children without a second thought.

Alex had considered it far better not to have children in the first place than to risk hurting them later on.

But against all the odds he
had
become a father.

And what had he done?

The first thing he’d done was let his daughter down.

He’d abandoned Samantha—and Katrina—when they’d needed him.

Katrina moved away from him. ‘Yes. You should have been.’

Alex stiffened at the recrimination in her voice. Although he had a lot to answer for, he was not alone in that. Anger crackled up his spine. ‘I’m willing to take partial responsibility for what happened,’ he said harshly. ‘But so should you. If you hadn’t disappeared the way you did, then we wouldn’t be in this situation.’

She jutted her chin defiantly into the air, her eyes spitting emerald fire at him. ‘Don’t try to blame this on me, Alex. I told you I was pregnant with your child and all you did was insult me. You preferred to think I’d been sleeping around.’

‘I told you I was in shock. You should have tried again.’

‘Uh-uh. No way!’ She shook her head vigorously from side to side. ‘Do you have any idea how offensive
you were? Even if I’d been feeling one-hundred percent, I still wouldn’t have wanted to face that again. And, since my morning sickness had well and truly kicked in by then the thought of confronting you made me want to throw up.’

Even though Alex had actively avoided having anything to do with children, and the families having them, he had heard enough to know how debilitating morning sickness could be. The fact that Katrina had suffered from it without his support merely deepened his guilt.

‘OK. You’ve made your point. But do you realise it was less than forty-eight hours before I went to your apartment to talk to you?’

Her eyes spat that emerald fire at him again, until Alex half-expected his hair to catch fire. ‘If you expect me to applaud you for that, then you’re wrong. You should have followed me home straight away and apologised.’

Alex ran a hand through his hair and around the back of his neck, noticed what he was doing and ruthlessly dragged his hand back down to his side. ‘You’re right. I should have.’

‘But you didn’t. As a result, I went through my pregnancy and the birth alone without anyone there to support me.’

Alex clamped his hands into fists at his side, an invisible hand clawing at his insides. ‘You had no one with you?’

‘No.’

Alex turned back to the pram, not so much to look at his daughter as not to look at Katrina. He should have been there to provide her with the support she needed.

It was all well and good kicking himself now, but it couldn’t undo the damage he’d done.

As if deciding that she preferred him smiling to scowling, Samantha suddenly started to cry. Despite the gravity of their conversation, Alex found himself smiling as the sound ripped into his eardrums. ‘I see what you mean. That’s some sound.’

‘She’s only just started. Give her a few minutes to get to full throttle, and you’ll know what she’s really capable of.’

Alex grimaced. ‘God forbid!’ He turned expectantly to Katrina. ‘Aren’t you supposed to pick her up when she cries?’

She gestured with one hand. ‘You’re the closest.’

Alex took a step back from the pram. And then another. His heart knocked on his breast bone. ‘I couldn’t. I might drop her.’

‘I’m sure you won’t. Just make sure you support her head and neck.’

Alex looked back into the pram. Samantha’s face was rapidly changing from pale red to beetroot, and the volume of her cries had grown several decibels.

Dragging in a breath, he gingerly reached in and picked her up.

She weighed practically nothing and almost fit into the palms of his hands. ‘You’re just perfect, aren’t you?’ he whispered, feeling the truth of that statement reverberate deep inside him.

Samantha stopped crying and stared up at him. Carefully, he shifted her into the crook of his arm.

She smelled sweet—powdery. Babyish. Completely and utterly unique.

An invisible hand reached into his chest and clamped
around his heart. He could hardly breathe, as if a steel band had been slipped around him and tightened until it hurt.

Samantha was his.

Flesh of his flesh.

Blood of his blood.

Something primitive surged inside.

He wanted to hug Samantha to his chest and never let go.

It was a deep-rooted feeling of possession he’d never felt before.

He looked at his daughter and felt tears sting the back of his eyes.

He stroked a gentle hand over her hair, several shades lighter than his own. ‘My hair was that colour when I was born. It got darker as I got older.’

‘No doubt Sam’s will do the same,’ Katrina acknowledged.

He swallowed, once. Twice. Three times.

He dragged in a breath. Then another.

And made a silent promise to his daughter—a promise to do all the things his father should have done but hadn’t.

And a promise not to do the things his father should not have done but had.

Carefully, he held the baby out to Katrina. ‘Here. You’d better take her.’ He sniffed. ‘I think she needs changing.’

Katrina took Samantha from him and walked to the small dining table, one end of which had been set up as a baby-change table.

Alex thrust his now-empty hands deep into his trouser pockets as he watched Katrina expertly unsnap
the fastenings of the jump suit and begin changing his daughter’s nappy.

He’d wondered how he would feel if it turned out Samantha was his.

He now had his answer.

He felt lucky, privileged and terrified all at the same time.

K
ATRINA
put Samantha back in the pram and looked up. She found Alex staring at their daughter with an odd expression. ‘What?’

He shook his head. ‘I still can’t believe she’s mine.’

‘I don’t know why you’re so surprised. As I told you before, one time using no protection is all it takes.’

‘I know.’ He gazed back steadily with eyes almost the exact same shade as his daughter’s. ‘But what you don’t realise is that I had a vasectomy in my early twenties.’

Her mouth dropped open.

She blinked.

‘What the—?’ She snapped her mouth closed, dragged in a breath, and then another. ‘You have to be joking?’

He shook his head. ‘No. I’m perfectly serious.’

‘But the condoms…?’ She rubbed her temple, hoping the action would clear the fuzziness in her head—because she was very confused. ‘Why would you insist on using condoms if you’d already had a vasectomy?’

‘Condoms protect against disease as well as pregnancy, so I’ve made a habit of wearing them. Since you
weren’t on the Pill it made sense to keep on using them. If I hadn’t, you’d have wondered why. And, frankly, I didn’t want to discuss a personal decision which is nobody’s business but my own.’

Katrina had heard every single word he’d said, but on one level they just didn’t make sense. It was as if he had suddenly started speaking in another language.

‘But why on earth would you have a vasectomy?’ Katrina said, asking the very question he’d originally set out to avoid answering.

‘I would have thought the reason was obvious.’ He looked her straight in the eye and made no attempt to soften the blow he was about to deliver. ‘Because I didn’t want children.’

His answer sucked the air from her lungs. Her chest felt so tight she could hardly breathe. Her heart stopped, stammered and restarted with a wallop.

While she was still reeling, Alex continued. ‘The doctor who performed the surgery explained that there was a certain failure rate with the procedure, but I had all the necessary tests and believed it was a success. Since Samantha is my daughter, then obviously it failed somehow.’

Katrina didn’t comment. The whys and wherefores were of no interest to her. It was the bottom line that concerned her.

And the bottom line was that Alex didn’t want children.

What did that mean for their little girl? she wondered, anxiety tearing her insides to shreds.

‘Aren’t you going to say “I told you so”?’ Alex asked, raising an eyebrow.

She shrugged. ‘What’s the point? This isn’t about
who’s right and who’s wrong. This is about Sam. I only want what’s best for her. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.’

Alex grimaced. ‘I’m sorry for doubting you.’

She barked out a harsh laugh that had no amusement in it. ‘Considering what you’ve just told me, I suppose you had your reasons. But you still had no right to turn on me the way you did. You said some pretty horrible things to me. I never cheated on you, and I don’t believe I ever behaved in a way to suggest that I would. The least you could have done was give me the benefit of the doubt.’

‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’

Katrina inclined her head. ‘Apology accepted.’

He looked surprised but pleased by her response. ‘Good. Then we can move forward with a clean slate.’

‘And what exactly does moving forward mean? If you don’t want children, does that mean you don’t want Sam? Because I’ll tell you here and now that I want her to have both of her parents in her life. It’s important to me.’ To emphasise just how important, she added, ‘Sam has no other blood relatives on my side of the family. If something happens to me, she’s going to need you. I don’t want her to be put into an orphanage or the foster-care system. She deserves more than that.’

‘You’re young and healthy. There’s no reason to expect anything will happen to you for many years to come.’

‘I’m not willing to take the chance. Accidents happen all the time. And the risk of me not being in her life when she’s older is higher than I’d like.’ At his enquiring look, she added huskily, ‘Breast cancer runs in my family. I lost my grandmother, my aunt and my mother to the disease. I don’t like my odds of not getting it.’

His frown deepened. ‘Aren’t there tests for that kind of thing?’

She nodded. ‘Yes, although all it can do is identify whether I have the gene or not, not if I’ll get the disease.’

‘And you’ve had the test?’

She nodded.

‘And…?’

‘And I have the gene,’ she replied simply.

Alex paled beneath his skin. ‘And there’s nothing they can do?’

‘I could have a double mastectomy, but I’m not ready to do that. I want more children, and I’d rather breast feed them if I can.’ She shrugged. ‘Regular mammograms and self-examination is about all I can do—apart from taking care of my overall health, of course.’

Alex just stared at her. It was clear he was stunned by what she’d told him.

‘But can you see why it’s so important to me that she has both of us?’ Katrina said softly.

He nodded. ‘Well, you can set your mind at ease. I have every intention of being a part of Samantha’s life.’

Relief swept through her, unknotting muscles she hadn’t even known she’d had. ‘That’s great.’

Alex stared at her, face expressionless. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking but for some reason she began to feel uneasy, a restless sensation attacking the base of her spine.

‘So we’re in agreement, then?’ he asked. ‘We have to do what’s best for Samantha?’

Although the question appeared straight forward, there was an odd note in Alex’s voice that she couldn’t quite decipher. It made her unease expand quickly into out-and-out wariness. ‘Of course. That’s why I came back.’

But was it the only reason?
a little voice whispered in her head.

A couple of days ago her answer would have been a clear and resounding yes.

But now Katrina wasn’t so sure.

The way she’d kissed Alex two nights ago had thrown her thought processes into chaos.

She had a sneaky suspicion that a part of her had wanted to come back because she’d wanted to see Alex again.

‘Good,’ Alex said, breaking into her thoughts. ‘Then the only logical course of action is for the two of you to move in with me.’

Katrina blinked. Dragged in a breath. Blinked again.

Surely she hadn’t heard him right?

Because she thought he’d just said…

Well, she thought he’d just said…

She shook her head.

No. Whatever she thought she’d heard was wrong. It had to be.

‘Say that again,’ she said.

He didn’t hesitate. ‘You heard me. I want you and Samantha to move in with me as soon as it can possibly be arranged.’

The strength and conviction in his voice convinced her.

She’d heard him right the first time. And the second.

Katrina looked away from him.

His suggestion had caught her way off-guard. Whatever she’d expected him to say, it wasn’t that.

Bitter irony pinched at her insides with razor-sharp claws. There was a time when she’d wanted nothing more than to live with Alex. If he’d asked her a year ago she’d have been over the moon.

But he hadn’t asked, so there was no point wishing he had.

And now…

Well, as far as she was concerned, it was much too late.

‘I thought you didn’t do permanent live-in relationships?’ she said, referring to the warning he’d given her when they’d first started sleeping together.

‘I don’t. Or, at least, I didn’t. But circumstances have changed somewhat, wouldn’t you say?’ he said, with a pointed glance at the pram.

Katrina followed his gaze. ‘I suppose they have.’ She looked back at him. ‘So you’re prepared to sacrifice your freedom for Sam—is that what you’re saying?’

‘I wouldn’t put it exactly like that but, essentially, yes.’

His answer shouldn’t have hurt but it did.

Those pincers went to work on her insides again, this time getting their razor-sharp edges into the centre of her heart.

Katrina didn’t understand her reaction. She didn’t love Alex any more. Why should she care that he was prepared to give up his freedom for his daughter when he hadn’t cared enough for her to do the same?

‘Well…?’ Alex prompted when she just stared at him.

‘I hardly think living together is necessary,’ she said in a cool voice.

‘Well, I do.’

She’d heard that tone before. It was the ‘I always get what I want, so you might as well give in now’ tone.

Well, he wasn’t getting what he wanted this time.

Angling her chin, she said, ‘Well, that’s too bad. I don’t want to live with you.’

Alex frowned, clearly surprised by her response. No doubt he’d expected her just to blindly do what she was told.

She could understand why he thought that; once upon a time, that was exactly what she would have done.

But not now.

Becoming a mother had changed her. She had more than just herself to think about now.

She could no longer avoid conversations or situations she wasn’t comfortable with. Not when they affected Samantha. Her daughter had to come first.

‘I insist.’ His tone was smooth but underlined by steel.

‘You can insist all you like, but it won’t change my mind.’ She splayed her hands out wide and adopted a conciliatory tone; arguing wasn’t going to get them anywhere. ‘If you’re worried about access, then don’t be. I won’t fight you regarding visitation. You can see as much of Sam as you like. I don’t want there to be a tug-of-war between us, nor do I ever want her to feel as if she has to choose between us.’

‘She won’t have to. Because we’ll be living together.’

The phrase ‘immovable object’ immediately sprang into her mind.

Alex could be both stubborn and determined. Those qualities had certainly helped him to become the success he was today. But they could also be extremely annoying.

Because if he thought she was going to move in with him after the way he’d treated her, then he was out of his mind.

‘It’s the only practical solution. I want to see Samantha every day, not when some schedule tells me I can.’ Alex held up a hand as she opened her mouth to speak. ‘And don’t tell me there wouldn’t be some kind of timetable, because we both know there would have to be.’

She sighed. ‘OK. I suppose you have a point. But you need to look at the big picture.’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘I thought that was exactly what I was doing. Isn’t raising Samantha in a family environment the best thing for her?’

‘In a real family the mother and father usually love each other,’ Katrina shot back. ‘That hardly applies in our case.’

‘Love is a highly overrated emotion. It doesn’t pay the bills and it doesn’t keep you warm at night.’ Tension drew his shoulders up towards his ears. ‘I’ve seen some pretty horrible things done in the name of love. Frankly, I don’t want anything to do with it.’

‘If that’s the case, then I feel sorry for you. You’re going to miss out on so much. But we’re straying from the point. What effect do you think living with the two of us will have on Sam? We do nothing but argue. That’s hardly a healthy atmosphere for a child to grow up in.’

He gave her a meaningful look. ‘I think what happened in this very room two nights ago proves we do more than argue.’

Colour swept up her neck and into her face. ‘Hang on a minute. Let me get this straight—when you suggested we move in with you, I thought you were talking about a platonic arrangement. Kind of like one of those marriages of convenience but without the marriage. Are you now suggesting we live together for real? That you
and I…?’ She stopped and licked her lips. ‘Resume intimate relations?’

‘Intimate relations? If by that you mean having sex then, yes, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. The aim is to provide Samantha with a
real
family with all that that entails.’

Alex had briefly considered asking Katrina to marry him but had quickly dismissed it as an option.

The DNA test had provided his legal claim to his daughter and living together offered more flexibility. He also liked the idea of being able to walk away if things started to go wrong.

‘Sex is hardly a sound basis to build a relationship on,’ Katrina said scathingly.

‘It’s better than having nothing,’ Alex shot back with the speed of light. He was determined to get what he wanted, and he was prepared to hammer each and every one of Katrina’s arguments into the ground if that was what it was going to take. ‘There have been plenty of relationships that have survived with far less. I always thought our physical relationship was rather special. I consider that a real bonus. Besides, aren’t you ignoring the fact that we used to get on pretty well?’

‘
Used to
, Alex. Past tense. I haven’t noticed us getting along too well since I came back.’ She shook her head. ‘It would never work.’

‘How do you know? How can either of us know?’ He paused before saying softly, ‘But don’t you think we owe it to Samantha to try?’

Katrina bit down on her lower lip.

She was obviously thinking about it.

Their daughter was her weak point—a fact that he would use to his advantage.

He would do anything and everything within his power to make Katrina agree to move in with him.

After what seemed like for ever, Katrina slowly shook her head. ‘I can’t. To put it bluntly, I don’t want to get involved with you again. After the way you’ve treated me, I don’t think I can trust you again.’

Alex moved closer to her, his face determined. ‘Just fifteen minutes ago I apologised for those things and you accepted. We agreed we would move forward with a clean slate.’

Katrina frowned. ‘You’re right, I did. But that only extends so far.’

‘A conditional acceptance?’ Alex asked with a raised eyebrows.

She nodded. ‘If you want to put it that way, then, yes. When I accepted your apology it meant that I’m willing to be civil to you whenever we meet. It also means I’m prepared to work together with you to decide what’s best for Sam. It
doesn’t
mean I either want to move in with you or start sleeping with you again.’

Alex wagged a finger at her. ‘Ah, but now you’re contradicting yourself.’