Cattle Valley 27 - Alone in a Crowd (10 page)

Dinner was uncomfortable and, soon after, Ben retired to his room for the night. Ryan made sure he had everything he needed before leaving him alone. “I have to go into the station for a while tomorrow, would you like to come?”

Seated on the edge of the bed, Ben nodded. “I’d like that.”
“Okay.” Ryan started to shut the door. “Night, Dad.”
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“After everything, why do you still call me Dad?”
Ryan stared at the man on the bed. As a child, how many nights had he lain awake

praying for a father who loved him? “I don’t know. Maybe for the same reason you’re here.” “You’re seeking redemption?” Ben asked.
Ryan thought about it for several seconds. “No. I’m looking for an alternate ending to

Ben lowered his head to stare at his withered hands. “You said it yourself, we can’t change the past.”
“No, we can’t, but I need to not hate you when you die.” Without another word, Ryan closed the door. He stood at the bottom of the staircase, needing a few minutes to himself before going up to join his men.
“Hey, babe. Your dad all settled?” Nate asked from the top of the stairs.
“Yeah.” Ryan climbed the steps, becoming increasingly tired with each one. It was more than physical exhaustion, he was tired of thinking, tired of doubting himself for the way he felt, and most of all, tired of hating. He hadn’t realised how much energy it took to truly hate someone. For years he’d run from his past. He’d surrounded himself with people who saw him as loveable and trustworthy, all in an effort to prove his dad wrong. It didn’t matter how many times he’d tried to deny it, his parents’ opinion of him had shaped how he felt about himself. Bringing his dad home with him might prove to be a mistake, but he needed to hear his father tell him he’d been wrong, that Ryan wasn’t worthless or unlovable. Sure, he knew Nate and Rio loved him, but what kid doesn’t need the love of their parents, even if they weren’t biologically related?
When Ryan reached the top of the stairs, Nate looped an arm around Ryan’s waist. “You okay?”
“Not really,” Ryan said with honesty. They entered the bedroom and Nate helped Ryan undress. “I know I said I wanted to talk, but can we do that tomorrow?”
“Sure.” Nate prodded Ryan to climb into bed first, putting Ryan in the middle.
Lying on his side, Rio reached for Ryan. “Tell us what you need?”
Ryan rolled to his back and pulled Nate closer. “This,” he sighed. “I don’t want to think or talk about anything. I just want you to love me.”
Ryan felt Nate’s hardening cock press against his side, but it was to Nate’s credit that he didn’t immediately try to initiate sexual contact. Instead, Nate scooted up to rest his cheek against Ryan’s. “We do,” Nate whispered.
“Always,” Rio agreed, resting his arm across Ryan’s chest.
Ryan sighed, feeling right with his decision. His eyes drifted shut as he fell asleep easily for the first time in weeks.

Showered and ready to tackle the day, Rio entered the kitchen. He was surprised to find Ben seated at the table with a cup of coffee in front of him. “Morning.”
“I made coffee. I hope that’s okay. I spilled some, but I think I got it cleaned up.”
Rio noticed the grounds sprinkled across the floor in front of the coffee maker, but ignored it. Hell, Nate usually did the same thing and he had two good arms. He poured himself a cup and joined Ben. He stared out of the bay window towards the barn and rolling hills. “Did you sleep all right?”
Ben took a sip of his coffee. “Not really, but it wasn’t the bed’s fault.”
“I’m sorry if I came off a little rough yesterday. I just worry.”
“I understand.” Ben continued to stare out of the window. “You have horses?”
“Yeah, we each have one. You ride?”
Ben shook his head. “Never been on a horse in my life.”
“I could teach you if you’d like.” Rio wasn’t sure Ben was physically able to ride, but he couldn’t imagine growing old without knowing the joy of riding a horse. The freedom of riding into the hills surrounding their ranch was truly heaven on earth, something he’d love to share with Ben.
“I appreciate that, I do, but most of the time it hurts just sitting upright. I don’t think I could sit on a horse.”
It was a reminder of how sick Ryan’s father was. “Are you hurting now?”
“Not any more than usual.”
Rio gestured to the cup of coffee sitting in front of Ben. “Do you really think you should be drinking that?”
Ben chuckled. “Why do you think I got up so early? They don’t let me have it back home. I’ve been dying, literally, for a cup of coffee.” Rio started to reach for the cup, but Ben moved it further away. “I got what, a month left? Give a man his coffee,” he begged.
Despite Rio’s desire to hate the man who’d hurt Ryan so much, Rio couldn’t bring himself to torture Ben by taking away his coffee. “Fine, keep it.”
“I knew you were a good man the minute I laid eyes on you.”
“You don’t have to flatter me.” Rio got up and carried the carafe over to fill Ben’s cup. “It’s your pain.”
Ben cleared his throat. “Speaking of, would you do me a favour?”
“Not if it’s something that’ll hurt Ryan,” Rio replied. He didn’t mind being nice to Ben, but lines had to be drawn somewhere.
“I’m going to need a doctor here, and Ryan has other things on his mind, so I was wondering if you could help me find one.”
Rio sat back down. “I don’t know any oncologists in Sheridan, but I’m sure one of the docs in town can recommend someone.”
“I don’t need an oncologist, just someone who can prescribe stronger pain medication if the time comes.”
Before Rio could answer, Ryan and Nate came into the room. “You’re up,” Ryan commented.
“You said you had to go into work, but you didn’t tell me when,” Ben answered. “You’ve waited long enough for me to be there, I didn’t want you to wait this time.”
The underlying emotion in Ben’s voice was too much for Rio to handle. He knew he needed to remain objective where Ben was concerned, because regardless of what had happened or could, he would stand by Ryan. Needing out of the situation for a few minutes, he stood and refilled his cup. “I’m gonna shower,” he announced before leaving the room.
“You’ve already taken a shower,” Nate reminded him.
Shit.
“Right. I guess I’m going to work.” He went back into the room and gave Nate and Ryan a kiss. “Have a good day,” he told Ryan.
Ryan glanced at Ben. “We will.”
Rio leaned in and kissed him again. “I don’t think he’s feeling well, so don’t keep him out too long,” he whispered in Ryan’s ear.
Ryan’s black eyebrows drew together. “Okay.”
Rio laid a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “See ya later, Ben.”
“I’ll be here,” Ben answered.
Nate followed Rio to his truck. “So what’s up? You’re acting weird this morning.”
“I like him. I don’t want to, but I do,” Rio admitted. He opened the driver’s door and got in, being careful not to spill his coffee. Leaning his arm against the open window, he could see the concern in Nate’s expression. “Look, Ben’s dying, that we know. The way I see it, there’s no happy ending here. Whether or not Ryan and his dad work out their problems, he’s still going to die.”
“Dying isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a person, doing it alone is. All we can do is hope Ryan finally gets the father he’s always deserved before that happens.”
Rio handed Nate his coffee cup. “I hope that happens in time.”
“I think we all do.” Nate gave Rio a quick kiss. “Lunch?”
“You got it. Deb’s at eleven-thirty?”
“Sounds good. See ya then.”
Rio started the truck and drove away from the house, praying Ben would hang on long enough to give Ryan what he needed.

“What did you eat?” Ryan asked, sitting in a chair at Ben’s bedside.
“When?”
“When you were a kid, after your father killed himself. How did you survive on your

own?” It was a question from Ryan’s list, the one he’d written up earlier in the day. Every time he was alone with his dad, his emotions got in the way of digging out the truth. For two weeks he’d tried to be patient, hoping his dad would volunteer information, but all he seemed concerned with was knowing every detail of Ryan’s life since he’d left home. There was something about his dad’s story that continued to bother him, and Ryan decided it was time the truth came out. He finally decided to go at it as if it were a police investigation.

Ben stared up at the ceiling fan. “I stole what I could. School helped. At least I got one good meal a day. Of course that didn’t help on the weekends or during summer. There were a lot of people in town who grew gardens, so I’d raid them at night, never the same one two nights in a row.”

“But didn’t anyone at school notice? I find it hard to believe no one realised you were suddenly on your own.”
“Why would anyone notice? They sure as hell didn’t seem to care
before
he died. I lived in that fucking cave for three years before that night because he was too drunk to keep a fucking job.”
“Kinda like you, huh?” Ryan hung his head. His father’s early life mirrored his own.
“Yeah, like father like son, I guess.” Ben pulled his covers higher on his chest. “Do you wish I’d have killed myself, too?”
Ryan’s ambivalence notwithstanding, he knew the answer to the question. “Maybe when I was a kid, but not now.”
“So you’re glad I’m still alive?”
Ryan stood and walked over to the window, unable to look at his dad. He had to continually remind himself that the dad of his youth was the same man living in his home. “It’s not about you. If you’d have died, I probably would’ve hung around Oklahoma and ended up just like you.
I
broke the cycle by leaving as soon as I could. I get credit for that, not you.”
Ben was quiet for a long time before he spoke. “You were stronger than I was. I can’t tell you how many mornings I’d wake up after a night spent hitting you and wish you’d have killed me for it.”
Ryan broke away from the window. “Is that what you did?” He walked over and sat on the bed. “Your dad didn’t kill himself, did he?”
Ben turned his head to the side, looking away from Ryan. “I couldn’t…” He lifted his hand and wiped at his eyes. “He would’ve killed me eventually.”
“So you killed him first and stuffed him into that cave.” It made more sense than Ben’s initial story, but it didn’t make Ryan’s position any easier. “It’s Thursday. What would you like me to bring you for dinner?”
“Nothing,” Ben mumbled, his eyelids closing.
“Come on, Dad, you have to eat something to keep your strength up,” Ryan argued.
“Cheese and crackers seems to stay down lately,” Ben eventually replied. He opened his eyes and looked towards Ryan. “Son?”
“Yeah?”
“Despite everything, I want you to know that I love you.”
“I’ll be back.” Ryan left the room, feeling worse than he had before he’d figured out the truth. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and climbed the staircase, deciding to take a shower before dinner.
After a hot shower and feeling better, Ryan joined Nate and Rio who were already in the kitchen, preparing food for their weekly naked dinner. “Smells good.”
“How’s he doing?” Rio asked. “Do the new pain pills seem to be helping?”
Ryan paused in the act of opening the refrigerator. “What new pills?”
“The ones Doc Browning prescribed today. We picked them up at the pharmacy on the way home from his appointment.” Rio shook his head. “Powerful stuff, but Doc assured us they’d take care of his pain. Sorry, babe, I thought you knew.”
“He didn’t.” An uneasy feeling crept up Ryan’s spine. He thought of what Steve, the nurse at the nursing home, had told him. “Shit!”
Ryan ran from the room, hoping to reach his father in time. He opened the door and raced to the bed, knocking the empty pill bottle to the floor. “Dad?” He shook his father’s shoulders. “Dad!”
“Call 911,” he screamed at Rio and Nate, hovering in the doorway. When he received no response, he felt for a pulse.
Come on, be there,
he prayed. “Gotcha.” Relief filled him when he felt a weak pulse.
“They’re on their way,” Nate said.
“Maybe it’d be better to let him go.” Rio stepped up beside Ryan.
“I’m not him!” Ryan yelled in Rio’s face. “I won’t help him fucking die!” He scooped his father out of bed. “Now get out of my way,” he growled.
“Let’s go.” Rio grabbed the terrycloth robe off the foot of Ben’s bed and ran from the room.

“He’s on a ventilator.” Ryan felt numb, completely wrung out from warring between anger and guilt for the last hour and a half.
Nate wrapped his arms around him in an attempt to comfort him, but he pulled away. He needed space to think. “He didn’t sign a DNR. Sam said he’d gone without oxygen for too long.” Ryan took a deep breath. “He won’t survive without the ventilator. Sam said the decision on whether or not to take him off is mine.” Ryan held up his hand when Nate tried to hug him once again. “I’m sorry. I love you, but I need to figure this out on my own.”
“I’m the one who should be sorry,” Rio said. “I didn’t know he’d try to kill himself.”
“It’s not your fault. My dad always wanted me to kill him, this way, he may just get his wish.”
“You can’t take that on yourself. Ben’s the one who took those pills,” Rio argued.
“He knew I was coming back to give him dinner.” The realisation of what his dad had done nearly knocked Ryan on his ass. “Fuck. He wanted it to be my decision. He knew I’d find him in time.” Suddenly the father he thought he was finally getting to know was the monster he’d grown up with.
“No way in hell will I give him the satisfaction of pulling his plug.” Ryan marched back into the emergency room to find Dr Browning. “Let the cancer kill him. I won’t give him the satisfaction of doing it for him.”

Rio came home the following Thursday to find Ryan already naked, sunning himself on the patio. Since making arrangements for his father at a private hospital in Sheridan, Ryan hadn’t made it through a full day of work.

“Take off early again?” Rio asked, sitting beside Ryan.
“I’ve got the time coming.” Ryan tugged on Rio’s shirt. “Take this off.” Rio bent over and untied his shoes before taking them off. “Did you go see your dad

Ryan started on Rio’s pants, pushing his hand under the elastic waistband. “You know I did, but I don’t want to talk about that.”
Rio had given in to Ryan’s nonstop sexual needs since Ben’s suicide attempt, but enough was enough. He stilled Ryan’s hand. “This needs to stop. You’re not the man you’re pretending to be.”
Instead of getting angry, Ryan grinned and reached down to stroke his own cock. “I’ll show you what kind of man I am.”
Rio stood and pulled his pants back up. “I understand that what Ben did is unforgivable, but letting him rot isn’t like you. It’s not hurting him, it’s hurting you.”
“It’s not hurting anyone anymore. He died today.” Ryan’s hand stilled as he said the words. “Did I tell you that he told me he loved me?”
Rio blinked several times, trying to keep his tears at bay. “No. You didn’t.” He gave in to his need to comfort his partner. Stretching out on the chaise, Rio pulled Ryan into his arms.
“It was the first time he ever told me.” Ryan rested his head against Rio’s shoulder. “It’s all I ever wanted from him.”
“And he made sure he gave it to you before he took those pills.” Rio wished he could take Ryan’s pain away, but he knew the only way Ryan would get through it was to deal with the truth of the situation. “I don’t think Ben ate those pills to put you in the position that you found yourself in. I think he gave you what he thought you needed before trying to end things on his own terms.”
“And like everything else in his life, he screwed it up,” Ryan mumbled.