Always (10 page)

Eamon’s trip to Seattle had come and gone and the year died out and bled into the next. He’d gone home to Ireland for Christmas and had stayed through the New Year, which sort of ruined her fantasies about licking champagne from his belly button at midnight.

Her parents had actually invited her back home for Christmas but she’d refused after thanking them for the invitation.

She needed to prepare, and adding a bunch of emotional beatdowns to her schedule didn’t sound all that appealing. On one hand, she appreciated that they’d called her and asked. The invitation sounded quite genuine. But on the other hand, she knew they still hadn’t accepted her choices and direction.

Instead, she’d spent the holiday with Anh and Vittorio, eating far too much, playing on the Wii with the kids and knowing she was loved and appreciated for who she was. That was far better than what she’d have endured on a trip home.

Still, they were her parents and try as she might otherwise, she still craved their respect. Much to her surprise, they did say they would come out in June for graduation. But it would be on her turf and something like that would be manageable and less laden with all the traps a trip home for Christmas would entail. Maybe they’d even come to a place where they could have some level of communication.

In the meantime, Caitlin’s life had been consumed by the bar exam. She’d had classes at night and she took mock tests during her daylight hours. She spoke to Eamon often and had come to realize she felt far more than just like for him. He’d become hers in a very real sense. The problem was, she didn’t know if she was his. Or if he considered such things at all.

A week or so before the bar exam, Caitlin realized she’d achieved a level of normalcy in her life for the first time in years. Yes, she was busy and studying a lot, but she had actual leisure time. Time to realize the situation with Eamon wasn’t going to suit her for much longer. She needed
more
from him. Just how much and when she wasn’t sure but she knew this part-time thing simply wasn’t enough.

They’d tiptoed around the “what happens after the bar exam” issue. Well, she’d addressed it and he’d tiptoed. He planned to take her to Mexico in just a few days, right after the bar exam. He said it would be a belated Valentine to her as well as a graduation present. Who was she to turn down a trip with the sexiest, most charming man she knew? And she
had
missed the hell out of him. Missed the way he smelled, the feel of his hands on her shoulders as he stood behind her, the way he held her hand—tight, but not too—and kept pace so she didn’t have to jog to keep up.

But it wasn’t enough. She said it out loud and it was like magic, she couldn’t take it back. There was no unsaying it, no unthinking it. There could be no more ignoring the elephant in the room.

As if he’d known she was thinking of him, her phone rang and she rolled across her bed to pick it up.

“Hello there, sexy.”

He laughed and her insides warmed.

“And how are you, love? I’ve been out and about all day and I’ve wanted to hear your voice. I feel much better now. The only thing that would be better was if I’d come home to see you in person.”

“Would it? I’d like that. How can we make it work?”

He paused and her heart pounded. “We’ll see each other in a little over a week, how does that work?” He said it lightly but it was clear he was dodging the real question.

“You know what I mean. It’s really hard, being apart so much. I want to see you all the time, not just a few times a year.”

“After you’ve settled in with your job and the bar is out of the way, we can visit back and forth much more regularly.” Another pause. “It’s not that you’re worried I’m after other women are you? Because I’m not.”

She sighed. “No, I’m not worried about that but I appreciate the reassurance. It’s just that—”

He interrupted, “Let’s just try out this new thing for a while, all right?”

Anger flashed through her. “I’m not…don’t brush me aside, I don’t like it. Adam used to do that and I won’t have it. You can say you don’t want things to change. You can say you need to think. Whatever. But don’t fucking brush me aside like what I feel doesn’t matter or isn’t important enough to speak about. I’m hanging up now.”

“Wait, don’t you fecking hang up in the middle of an argument! I wasn’t brushing you off and I’m insulted you’d compare me to that bastard.”

“You interrupted me in the middle of a sentence to make a pronouncement. That’s brushing me off and I don’t like it. Most people don’t like it. I have to go, I’m in a bad mood now and I don’t want to be angry at you.”

“Then don’t hang up on me. Adults can work things through by talking them out.”

“That’s rich when that’s exactly what I was trying to do about our relationship when you blew me off.”

He exhaled sharply and she nearly laughed, imagining the put-upon look on his face.

“Let’s start over, okay? I don’t want us to be angry with each other either. I called you because I missed you. I said we could see each other more often after you got settled with your job. How do you know that won’t work if you haven’t tried it?”

She knew because in the few months since she’d finished school she’d understood that she wanted someone in her life full time. Whether it was fair or not, she knew it in a way she hadn’t had time to know before.

“Eamon, I don’t want a part-time boyfriend. You were just here a few weeks ago and in November before that. It’s not enough.”

“We’ll talk about it in Mexico. You need to focus on the bar exam.”

And she let him change the subject because she was afraid of not having him at all if she pushed too hard. And yet, for the first time when she hung up from a call with him, she was more nettled than comforted.

The bar began in three days and she had far more to obsess on than her parents and their messed up dynamic or even what was going to happen between her and Eamon in the future.

It was time to move to the hotel she’d be staying in for the duration of the bar exam. Just blocks away from the exam site so her entire focus would be on the test, studying and resting. To that end, she’d turned off her phone and put an away message on her email. It was time to focus on the test and only the test.

For the first time in over a year, Caitlin had made herself unavailable and Eamon had to admit he hated it. In the wake of the argument they’d had in their last phone call, he felt even more edgy.

Sure, there’d been times when they’d been really busy or had traded voicemails back and forth because he’d been traveling or their schedules hadn’t meshed but she’d never turned off her phone and left an away message on her email. He wanted her to come to him with how her exam was going. Wanted her to need the support from him, which admittedly was selfish but he wanted her to need him. At the same time, he had to admit that being needed by her freaked him out, a conundrum he feared would result in not having her at all.

She’d told him she was going to go offline for the bar, of course. It wasn’t as if she’d just done it without telling him. It wasn’t in retaliation for their fight and it was for the bar exam after all. He understood she needed to put all her attention there.

He’d be with her on a beach in four days and have her all to himself.

But he wanted her then. Wanted her to want it just as much. Even as her insistence in bringing up their relationship scared him on some level, he wanted her. They’d work it out, he’d see her more, travel up there more. Things would improve and she’d feel better after her exams were finished. He didn’t like her being upset.

“What’s gotten you in such a bad mood?” Laura asked as he muttered to himself, looking through his proofs.

“Nothing.”

She snorted. “The only person with the power to make you feel like this is Cat. How is she anyway?”

“Don’t know. She’s incommunicado.”

“Ah. That’s the issue. What did you do to make her so mad she cut you off?”

“Why do you assume she’s doing it to punish me? She’s taking her bar exam for the next few days and is offline and away from her phone until she’s done.”

“Regardless, you’re in a snit. Which says to me that you should just admit you love her and be done with it.”

He turned to her and sat. “And what of it, even it was true? She has a life in Seattle. I have a life here. Now that she’s done with school we can see each other more often. She can fly down and I can fly up. It’s a two and a half hour flight. We can even meet halfway. It’s not like we have to get married. But for now, she’s taking a three-day test and I’m going to see her this weekend so there’s no reason for me to declare my love or for you to poke at me until I snarl.”

She raised a brow. “Fine, lie to yourself then. See if you can repeat it enough to make it true. But, Eamon, I’ve seen how she looks at you. She’s in love. She’s an ambitious woman and she’s going to come to a point where this week here and there thing isn’t going to be enough. Love isn’t always enough. Don’t lose her because you’re being stupid.”

“Stop talking to Hannah and mind your own business. Cat and I are
fine.
” Not wanting to engage with her any further, Eamon stood and stormed out. Laura didn’t know what the fuck she was going on about and moreover, it wasn’t any of her damned concern.

Five days with him at her side, on the beach, in bed, in town. Five days when she wouldn’t have to share him with anyone. No family, no friends, nothing. Just Eamon and Caitlin. Add some margaritas and the warm breeze and it was as close to heaven as she’d been in years.

She decided to shower off the trip and change before he arrived. They’d decided to fly separately because it was too much of a hassle to try and coordinate, not to mention more expensive. They’d only arrive about ninety minutes apart so it wasn’t that big a deal.

And it gave her a little more time to decompress and ready herself.

The bathroom was gargantuan, decorated with gorgeous hand-painted tiles in warm colors. Eamon was going to be in heaven. Caitlin smiled as she stepped into the huge, glassed-in shower stall and turned on all three shower heads. Her man loved water. Loved having sex in the shower or bath too. Not that she was complaining. At all.

When she got out she was significantly more relaxed. Barefoot, she braided her hair back from her face as she walked to her suitcase to grab her bikini. While she thought of it, she called down and ordered a pitcher of margaritas. He’d be arriving very soon and the thought of it made her hands shake a bit.

The bar exam had gone fine. She knew in her gut that she’d passed. She’d come home and slept for twelve hours, eaten and slept again until it was the next day. He’d sent her flowers to congratulate her and they’d traded voicemails because he was out on a job and she went off to dinner with Anh and some of the other AAGs she’d be working with. In fact, she’d start working full time once she got back from vacation. Of course her job was contingent on bar passage but that was normal.

After liberal application of sunscreen and donning her big, but sexily mysterious hat, she headed out to the patio overlooking the ocean with the glasses and the pitcher. She sipped her drink and put her head back to soak in the sun.

She’d done it.

Gone to school, taken the bar and gotten her dream job. Working as an assistant attorney general didn’t pay as much as working at a big firm, but it was what she wanted to do with her degree. She loved her co-workers, she knew the job and it was actually real! No more studying nonstop. She’d have job stress, yes, but she could hit the ground running. She knew the law, knew the job, knew the judges and defense attorneys too.

Caitlin was satisfied and not just a little proud of herself.

Her only hesitation was Eamon and where they would go from here. He said they’d talk but she worried he’d put her off like he had before.

Eamon was harried. Annoyed at the person in front of him on the flight who’d found it necessary to recline back into his lap. Who did that? In this day and age, you’d have to be a moron or an arsehole not to know any reclining at all would be severely uncomfortable for the person behind you.

Then the resort shuttle had been packed and they’d asked him to wait for the next one. But damn it, Cat was waiting for him in their room and according to the text she’d left on his phone, in a bikini and drinking a margarita as she waited. So he’d said fuck it and got in a cab he’d thought at the time he was fortunate to share with others going to the resort, only the women had hit on him relentlessly the entire twenty minutes until he’d shoved money at the driver and run to get away from them.

But the sight of her rising, her hat shading her face but her bikini not shading much else, had sent all that annoyance far away. She smiled as she removed the hat and then she was in his arms, laughing, turning her face up to receive his kisses.

“There you are. I’ve got margaritas for us and a dinner reservation made for later. When I checked to be sure your flight arrived, I also ordered up some snacks. How about I scrub your back? Then we can eat.”

“How about you get naked? I need to be inside you. Then we can have some drinks and eat some snacks? Or, I’ll have a snack of you first, and then we can have food.”

She grinned as she untied her top and tossed it to the side. “Sounds like a fine plan.”

Once her taste was on his lips again, he felt much better.

Through his camera lens, Eamon watched her move, the gentle sway of her body, her skirt fluttering around her bare legs. Her hair was held back from her face in a high pony tail and the woman she spoke rapid-fire Spanish with at the stall was the perfect counterpoint to Caitlin’s pale beauty.

The woman laughed and nodded. Cat put some money on the counter and took the wrapped bundle, calling her “thank you” out as she turned back to Eamon.

“Should of known you’d be snapping pictures. Come on, I just got some fresh
pan dulce
. I think we can grab some coffee at that little café right back there.”

There was so much in her, a quiet ferocity for experience, for knowledge and understanding—it called to him, uncoiled something within his soul and dug in deep. He wrapped an arm around her waist, drawing all her vitality and beauty close as they got settled and ordered coffees.

She unwrapped the sweet breads and broke one in half, handing it his way.

“Perfect.” And he meant far more than the bread and coffee.

“She said they’d only come from the oven an hour before.” Cat ate and sipped her coffee; he wanted her so badly his skin itched with it.

“You look especially lovely just at this moment.” He snapped a few photos of her. She’d apparently gotten used to it and tried her best to ignore him. It amused him.

“So. You said we’d talk in Mexico. Here we are, relaxing with some lovely pan dulce and café con leche. I’ve realized a lot of things over the last few months since school ended. Eamon, I want to be with you.”

He softened at what a tenacious little bird she could be. What man wouldn’t be flattered a woman like her wanted him? But she had him, didn’t she know that?

“We
are
together, Caitlin. I told you, I haven’t seen anyone else in over a year. Since my first trip to Seattle when we re-connected. You have me, love.” He slid his thumb over the flesh of her hand just below her thumb, liking the way her lips opened on a soft sigh of pleasure.

“Nonetheless, Eamon. I think our definitions of being together differ. I want a relationship. I want us to be together all the time.”

“I live in Los Angeles. You live in Seattle. How do you propose we get around that?”

“Clearly this will take some creative problem solving on our parts and some hard choices too. We need to look at our situations and see what needs to be done. I know it’ll take some sacrifices but I think we’re worth it, don’t you?”

“We can talk about it more after the summer. Once you have your graduation ceremony we can re-evaluate if necessary. Come on.” He stood and avoided the hurt in her eyes. “We’re supposed to get massages, remember?”

She stood but didn’t take the hand he held out. “You can’t avoid the topic forever. I won’t wait that long,” she said quietly as she walked past.

Two evenings later, they’d had a lovely late dinner and came back to their room. On their deck, they danced under the stars, his lips on her hair, her body lithe against his. Always, when he was with her, a deep sense of satiation and warmth lived within him. He found himself drawing on it when they weren’t together, pulling the memory around himself when he needed the boost to make it through the day.

Words poised on the tip of his tongue but he didn’t let them go. Words about when he’d come back to Seattle or see her again in LA. Of course he’d see her graduate in June but June was four months away.

“I keep meaning to tell you how wonderful it was that you won the grant. Congratulations,” she said lazily, her lips against the bare skin of his throat.

He’d received a grant to work on a program teaching photography to kids at youth centers based in Seattle, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Chicago, Dallas, Boston and Cincinnati along with seventeen others. All people he’d met when he’d stopped over in New York the year before.

“I bet your father would have been over the moon.”

He squeezed her a bit tighter. His da would have been very excited and proud. Mainly that Eamon was doing something to help other people but also that it had been a project Eamon himself was excited over.

She got him. She understood him in ways no one ever had.

Their last day was tomorrow and then he’d head back to LA and she to Seattle and her job. The last three days had been so very good. He wasn’t sure he’d feel that good again until the next time he had her with him. And that wasn’t something he really knew what to make of.

“You feel good. I’m going to miss this after Wednesday.” He heard it in her voice, knew the topic would come up again and panic swelled. Why did she want things to change? They were perfect as it was.

“We’ll see each other again soon. You don’t live that far from me, you know.”

“Far enough that this seems a luxury. I don’t want time with you to be a luxury. A treat, yes, but not a rarity.”

“How about a swim? The moon is full and I haven’t seen you wet at night. Well, outside the bedroom anyway.”

She laughed but it was laced with sadness as she held her hand out toward him. “You know, you’re working so hard to avoid talking about the future. You’re probably twisted into a pretzel by now.”

“I’m not avoiding talking about the future. I wanted to go for a swim under the moon with my beautiful girlfriend. Is that so wrong?”

She rolled her eyes but they quickly changed into swimsuits and headed down the manicured path to the beach.

Cat was a strong swimmer, confident even at night. He was content to float and watch her move, effortless, graceful, sexy.

The water was warm and the waterfall decorating the edge of the pool they were in sent relaxing white noise into the evening air. She was beautiful in an otherworldly way, the moon sliding over her wet, pale skin.

“Enough swimming. I need to be in you.”

His mouth cruised leisurely down her throat. He paused to flick his tongue against her thundering pulse, sucking just a bit before his teeth caught that sensitive skin around the tendon there.

Caitlin couldn’t stop the gasp, laden with pleasure and pleas, from escaping her mouth and his chuckle in response sent shivers through her system. He’d made love to her when they’d come back in from the swim, after they’d showered. It had been hard and fast, nearly frenzied on his part. But this time, this time he’d awoken her sometime after two in the morning with slow, lazy kisses, touring her body just how he wanted and she’d opened herself to it.

She shifted, arching into his body, his touch, wanting more. The dark softness of his hair tickled her chin as he sent his kisses down her neck to her chest. Once his tongue danced around her nipple she was lost. Ha! She’d been lost since she heard his voice at that nightclub over a year before. Now she simply fell further, past any place where she felt safe and straight into the kind of love, a depth of need for him she knew she couldn’t be silent about anymore.

The weight of his body, heavy, warm, familiar and achingly absent until that moment, anchored her with delicious friction. His hands were everywhere at once, caressing, kneading, pressing thighs open and then delving, fingertips swirling around her clit, making her even more wet, making her even more desperate for his cock.

“Please,” she gasped out.

He paused for just a moment, his lips leaving a brand against her hip bone, before replacing those questing fingers with his mouth.

Helplessly, she writhed, her hips churning against him, her fingertips scrabbling through the blankets to hold on as orgasm shot through her so hard she felt bruised by it.

His entry into her body was deliciously slow and when she opened her eyes, he was staring at her with such intensity it was nearly magnetic. She wanted to plaster herself to him, skin to skin, heart to heart.

He didn’t speak but he didn’t need to. She saw it in his eyes, saw that this thing between them was so much more than either of them had bargained for. Desire, longing, a sense of home all tinged with a bit of fear at how fast it had become so very much.

This was nearly too much and yet, not quite enough all at once.

He broke his gaze and dipped his head to taste her mouth again. The kiss tasted of her as his tongue invaded in time with his thrusts.

On it went, Eamon making love to her slowly, kissing her like she was the best-tasting thing in the world. Neither of them made a sound other than a soft gasp or moan.

And when he came at last, as his lashes fell and he looked at her through them, she knew without a doubt. She was in love with Eamon and things could not go on the way they had.

“I love you.”

It hadn’t hurt to say it. She didn’t feel afraid or even worried he’d say it back. It was true no matter what he felt and she’d lived long enough being afraid of what people might think of her feelings. No more being put off. No more fear about what he’d do or say. It couldn’t continue this way.

His breathing changed, quickened, and he sat up. She turned on the lamp and sat as well. His normally open features had blanked and her heart dropped. Still she soldiered on because she’d let him put her off enough.