Without Scars (32 page)

“
Diary?
” He burst out laughing. “What the fuck, Nik? The guy you like in that vampire show; he writes in a fucking diary. It was a
life plan
.” Charlie hooked his arm around my neck. “Of course, I’m not mad at you. Just wondering how the hell you’re even real…”

I hugged him. “You were mine, too. I protect mine, too.”

Chapter Eighteen

Charlie

“How long do we have?” she asked. “Before
everything
starts?”

She said
we.
It was the bright spot I needed. “Trial is set for about ten weeks from now. Prosecutor wants me to testify against Fallon; he thinks I know more about her drug business than I actually do because of
Confessions
. He can’t use it against her or me in court, but he’s using it to try to force my hand. Either I plead guilty to a lesser misdemeanor possession charge for the pot and agree to testify against Fallon, or I go to trial or plead on the more serious felony. Fallon won’t take whatever plea deal they’re offering her right now, either.”

“Oh, Charlie…”

“My lawyer says because the story is so scandalous and it’s media bait, and because the prosecutor is up for reelection, he wants to set an example and prove that he’s tough on drugs. She thinks the case against me is a waste of time since I only had twenty-three grams in my car”—which made it a felony, but it was just four grams over what would’ve made it a misdemeanor charge—“but the prosecutor wants to remind me that a drawn-out trial will disrupt my life and cost a lot of money. I’ll also have a felony on my record. There’s also the possibility of doing five years, the max the state can ask for…”

“And if you agree to help with the case against Fallon?”

“The state will recommend a year of probation to the judge, based on my lack of criminal history. I’ll get that and a lifetime of regret for turning on my friend.” I sighed. “You know the guys told me what you did when you found out I got arrested.”

“And I’d do it again, Charlie,” she said defiantly. Nikki had basically organized a drug disposal effort amongst my friends, making sure my parents’ place, my apartment, and the condo were completely free of anything that could be used against me. “The person I did that for was not the same person from before. I had faith when Samira told me you were doing everything possible to stay in Lux’s life, and I knew what that meant. Everyone deserves a second chance when there’s growth. And you know I love you so much.”

But I was thinking about Julian’s story again.
Love is dangerous because it’s powerful.
I didn’t want Nikki burying bodies for me. “If…
when
I get sentenced to prison, I’d rather you not even consider waiting for me. Please…”

“Charlie—”

“No, I don’t want you to resent me if you stick by me. And promise me if it starts affecting your health and well being or holding you back, you’ll go without hesitation. This can’t be like before. Because I know I can’t rat on Fallon, Nik. She tried to warn me. That would make me an asshole. I already had my lawyer pass on to hers that I won’t testify against her. I don’t think I’m going to change my mind. Right or wrong, she’s my
friend.”

Nikki got teary eyed and squeezed my hand tight. “I know. Doesn’t change anything for me.”

***

SAMI

What if you have to live without me, Chuck?

What if you and I have an ending and it isn’t good?

CHUCK (V.O.)

I don’t respond, and she doesn’t press me to.

But I don’t think we’ll ever have an ending. At least not the way it’s told in movies. I don’t think stories like ours really end. Or maybe facing uncertainty is forcing me to be optimistic. I am sure of exactly one thing though: She was never my prison.

Sami Mitchell has always, always been the key.

It was my final rewrite (again) of the ending of the last episode of
How to Fuck up a Friendship.
I thought I had actually gotten it right this time, and I was so glad that Hillington was willing to add more money to our budget so we could re-shoot the ending. I was satisfied with it, and the true fans would be, too.

And now that one story was complete, it was time to map out how the other one—my real life—would play out. I put my laptop on the nightstand and looked at the summary of the plea deal I was accepting. I would sign the official version of it later this morning at my attorney’s office, so she could then have it notarized and couriered back to the prosecutor’s office. At my next court date, I’d accept it officially in front of the judge, and then he would sentence me a few weeks after that. I still wouldn’t testify against Fallon, but I would take responsibility for the drugs in my car. I was looking at more than a year in prison, and the prosecutor could argue for up to five, especially because he was probably pissed that I wouldn’t testify. Who knows, though, maybe I would find inspiration in prison and write my best work yet.

A stab of regret tore through my stomach when Nikki stirred next to me, and I almost changed my mind as I watched her.
Take it all in, dumbass. Take in what you’re losing…again
. Insert heart-wrenching montage of all the cool things we’d done recently…

Right here
.

“How’s the ending?” she asked in a gravelly tone.

“I finally think I got it. It’ll just be me and Samira, so it should be an easy re-shoot.”

“Good. And don’t worry; you didn’t wake me. I think my brain knows what’s coming and was only able to shut off for a few hours. I’ve just been lying here hoping day wouldn’t break.” She spied the clock. It wasn’t even four A.M.

“What do you want to do today?” I asked.

“Not think about today. But I will take a kitchen floor chat instead. Will you make me pancakes?”

“Fuck yeah.” We’d been staying in the condo, and I’d stocked it with everything we loved to eat.

I made chocolate chip pancakes, and we shared a plate and ate right there in front of the fridge, reflecting on the past. Our past. “I think I fell in love with you the first night at Julian’s,” she said as she swirled a piece of pancake in a puddle of syrup. “I thought it was just a crush thing at first…”

“I mean, I get it…I’m pretty cute.” She laughed but a tear landed on her thigh.

“I almost didn’t go to the police station that day we met. It seemed too early for them to have tracked down my iPod. I’m so glad I was so impatient, because I never would’ve gotten any of this…” She started to sob.

“Nik, please don’t cry.”

“I don’t mean to.”

I kissed her nose. “Hey, I’m going to love you
forever
, Nicole Johnson. Even if we don’t get it ourselves. Even if you move on, okay?”

“Are you asking me to move on?”

“I’m asking you to be happy and to go after everything you want.”

“You’re not helping with the not crying thing, dude.” She sniffled. “Samira is planning a kick-ass going away party. She thinks I should jump out of a cake.”

“I’d eat you. Fuck cake.” I got a sad smile from her. As much as it hurt that I couldn’t make her happy in the moment, I would miss even seeing these smiles.

Sunrise was sobering, and we watched it together before getting ready for my nine A.M. meeting. My copy of the plea document shook in my hands. I read it a final time as I waited for Nikki in the living room.

“Don’t do it, Charlie. Please,” she said when she walked out of the bedroom. She was wrapped in a towel and scrunching the dress she planned to wear in her hands. “Please, don’t. Just tell them what they want. Please.”

“I can’t, baby doll, you know that.”

“There has to be another way.”

“I don’t think there is…” I hugged her and she bawled against my chest. “We’ll make an even better bucket list of all the great things to do before I go to prison, okay? We’ll do everything together. We’ll make the time count even more. I promise.”

“Okay…” she said in between sniffles.

“You gotta get dressed.” I shot my attorney a text to tell her I was on my way and we might be a few minutes late, but it wasn’t like what Nikki had said wasn’t resonating.

She reemerged soon after, dressed and mellow, and she held my hand all the way down to the car. I drove and she put on Kings of Leon, just like we always did. It weakened my anxiety a lot, and I leaned over at a red light to kiss her cheek. “You don’t have a record. Your family and friends and people from the community have written statements about you. Even Hillington wants to keep working with you when you get out,” she whispered. “So, just a year, I bet.”

I laughed flatly. “You’ve been talking to my mom.” She nodded and we didn’t talk again. Nicki only slipped her hand into mine, and we barely moved after that. These moments had become our serenity; we even had an official soundtrack now.

I had expected Nikki to cry when we parked but she didn’t. She rushed to my side of the car and threw her arms around me. “You’re not just going to be a writer with a past after all this. You know that, right? If there’s anything I’ve learned from you over these months it’s that we have a right to demand that people really see us.
Every part of us
.”

Once we were inside, Sheila’s assistant took us to a conference room and told us she was on her way back from meeting with a client who was actually in jail, and she would also be about fifteen minutes late. I immediately poured myself several glasses of water and quickly downed them. Nikki was typing furiously on her phone across from me, and it gave me an opportunity to just stare at her. I couldn’t help doing it.

“Hey,” I said to get her attention. “I almost didn’t go to the police station that day, either. I mean it was just my stupid wallet. I would’ve missed out, too. Getting to know you and being with you are two of the best things I’ve ever gotten to do. You should know that.”

Nikki stared back at me with an irritated look and she stood up. “You know what? You can’t do that. You can’t do that and then tell me not to wait, Charlie. You can’t tell me that. I get to bury bodies for you if I fucking want to, unless and until I decide I don’t anymore. Julian’s story was about choices, right or wrong. I get to figure out my limits. How about
you
wait for
me
in there
,
okay?”

Man, I fucking loved this girl.

I really, really loved her. I loved her enough to…

“Okay, so…what if we waited for
each other
? Gave each other a reason to wait?” I stood up, too, my heart racing with an idea. “Getting married would be a
completely
crazy bucket list thing, right?”
I can’t believe I just fucking asked that.

Nikki’s eyes got wide. “Married?”

“We’d only be doing it because I’m going to prison, right? And that’s really stupid…”

“Definitely stupid…but only if we didn’t mean the ‘forever’
thing? Because if we meant it, then…” She grinned.

“We should get married? We should get married.” Holy shit.

“Oh my God!” Nikki giggled, bouncing a little. “Okay. Okay! Let’s get married. Let’s get married, Charlie!”

Wow. This was really fucking insane and foolish and random, and it was exactly what I wanted to do.

“Mr. Dara?” One of Sheila’s paralegals burst into the room. “I just got word that the deal’s off the table!”

“What? Why?”

“Sheila will be here shortly. She’ll explain everything.”

Nikki gasped. “Oh, God. Do you think the prosecutor changed his mind? That he wants to try the case in court?”

My throat was too dry to speak, but it wasn’t like I had an answer anyway. So, we waited in silence for Sheila to walk in. I found my voice the minute she did. Especially when Fallon fuckin’ Gregory walked in after her. I’d neither seen nor talked to her since her warning text.

“What happened?” I asked. “What the fuck happened?”

“Calm down. Calm down,” Sheila demanded, taking a seat. Fallon was still standing in the doorway. “
I
took the deal off the table. Things have changed.”

"Meaning…?" I asked. 

“I’m giving you my client list,” Fallon whispered. She looked so worn out, like she hadn’t slept in weeks.

“What?” Nikki and I both yelled. Was she shitting me or what?

“I’ve been working on a few things behind the scenes with Fallon’s attorney these past few weeks. I’ve known about the list, but I didn’t want to get your hopes up about it, in case she decided not to release it to us,” Sheila explained.

“A lot of my customers were the kids of very prominent Miami people who go to my school. People the prosecutor knows I’m sure, because he’s in social circles with them,” Fallon said. “
Everyone
was buying and selling their meds at Prep. I have screenshots of phone numbers and conversations! Everyone has turned against me, except you, but the thing is they were all in deeper than they originally claimed, so that throws a wrench in the whole thing, if this gets out.”

“
And
if the list goes public, I’m guessing the DA will be pressured by the parents to settle this quickly before kids start losing their college admission spots and the school gains a worse reputation. And then he looks stupid for botching this entire thing…” Sheila said.

“Holy shit. And me?” I asked.