Twisted Minds (26 page)

Twenty-Nine

Ashes

“You’re leaving?”

Her tinkling voice sent a thrill shooting through my body.

My back had been facing the doorway, as I’d knelt on the floor and packed my bag for the final time. At Finn’s insistence, I’d stayed the night at their house, but now it was time to return home—back to the city where I belonged.

Before I rose to meet her, I took a deep breath to compose myself. There was so much on my mind, yet nothing at the same time. My spirit was so mentally and emotionally drained that I wasn’t even sure how to begin to address the problems that existed between Kira and me.

When I felt surer of myself, I turned, but despite preparing myself, she still took my breath away.

Beautiful as ever, Kira stood in the doorway dressed in a knee-length summer dress with thin strings that stretched across her small shoulders and fastened around her neck. The dress was a pale yellow, but it paled in contrast to her sunny mane which was pulled back in a modest ponytail, loose coils of hair framing her heart-shaped face.

The expression on her face was contrived, as though she wasn’t sure how to act around me. Although I couldn’t blame her, the awkwardness between us still stung. The ease, the connection, the easy conversations were lost in the past.

“I think I’ve overstayed my welcome,” I responded, my tone strained.

Kira made no move to enter the room further, and I wondered what she was doing here. It was incredible she could even stand to be in my presence after all the events that had unfolded. Sure, Cass had turned out to be behind it all, but the journal was still real, burning a hole in my pocket.

My friendship with Finn was more or less repaired, but things with Kira would probably never be the same again. The only person to blame for that was me.

We stood there, staring at each other for a moment longer; her blue eyes seemed to shift to liquid, and she cleared her throat and focused on something just past my head.

“So life will resume as usual?”

Not sure what she assumed “as usual” was for me, I merely shrugged. “Maybe. I’ll start at my father’s company and take things from there. My mother probably wants me to swing by and see her new hair, so that’s definitely a priority.”

“New hair?” Kira’s forehead creased.

“Yeah, she’s gone lighter,” I explained, rolling my eyes. “It’s probably the most exciting thing happening in her life right now. She’s vain like that.”

“Oh.”

Her response was followed with more silence. It seemed to be our go-to place when we couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Can I ask you a question?” Kira reached over and tucked a tendril of hair behind her hair, as though she was giving herself something to do. “Did you mean what you said yesterday?”

“Which part?” I asked, following her every move and trying to imprint her in my memory.

I’d said a lot of things yesterday to so many people and my brain was fried right now. I often found that watching some mind numbing reality TV was a good way to help with that.

“The part where you said that I wasn’t just a number.” She paused here, taking a steadying breath. “That I made you want to change.”

Stumped as to why she wanted to verify these things, I nodded. “That part was the truth. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along this twisted path, I fell in love with you.”

“And how do I know you’re not lying to me?” My response seemed to trigger a surge of anger. She stepped forward a little unsteadily, pointing a finger at me. “What if you’re lying, just like you’ve been lying this entire time?”

Suddenly, I felt the need to defend myself. I was sick of being cast in the role of the bad guy. Sure, my intentions hadn’t been very pure, but I had never lied to her about my feelings.

“No, I wasn’t lying this entire time; I was being myself.” I took a frustrated step towards her, wrapping my hand around her accusatory finger. “Just because I don’t fit into your idea of the perfect man doesn’t mean I lied about how I feel for you. It’s the goddamn truth.”

Kira’s eyes fell to my hand. An inexplicable feeling glided through my body as our skin touched, making me want to pull her into my arms. Clearly, the sentiment was mutual because Kira seemed caught in the same moment as she gazed at me.

“You’re trying to blame me now?” She snapped out of the trance and seemed even more outraged as she took a safe step away from me.

“I’m not blaming you.” I tried to remain calm, but my heart was still pounding from the touch we’d just shared. “You were everything I never expected. You’re stubborn, and independent, and not a whore.” That last part was important. “You’re different and unique, and you make me laugh.

“Stop saying those things.” The creamy skin of her beautiful face turned blotchy red. It didn’t immediately register that she was struggling to keep her emotions under control. “What you did, I never thought people like you actually existed.”

I remained silent, my eyes wandering over the delicate features of her face. Her lips were quivering, her small shoulders hunched over as though she was trying to protect herself from me.

“Well, now you know.” My tone was laced with defeat. I’d said everything I could say. There was nothing else I could do to convince her of my sincerity.

“You’re such an asshole, Nathaniel James,” she shot back.

The way her creamy skin was flushed, the way her lips were formed in a pout, the way her eyes were alight, all those things made me want to take her into my arms and kiss the fuck out of her. Nothing turned me on as much as an angry Kira—but there was no way she would react well if I kissed her.

“I know I’m an asshole, Kira. I know I’m a piece of shit,” I admitted slowly, taking a step back so I wouldn’t be tempted to touch her. “And I am going to spend every single day reminding myself that. I know you don’t believe a word that comes out of my mouth, but I want you to know this.” I took an unsteady breath as I searched her icy eyes. “You are the closest thing to love.”

Kira stared at me, holding her breath, as though my words had stolen the air right out of her lungs. “Love?”

“Yes.” I ran a hand through my hair, wracking my brain for something to say that would make her believe in me again. “The way the lilac leaves are perfectly heart-shaped, that’s the kind of perfection I feel when you’re with me.”

It was a ridiculous way to describe how I felt for her; I mean, I was using leaves as a way to describe my feelings, but it seemed the most accurate way to convey them. The feeling between us was so natural, so perfect, just like lilac leaves. Their hearts made no sense, just like ours.

“Lilac leaves?” she breathed.

“Lilac leaves,” I repeated firmly.

Kira’s eyes were piercing as they swept over me. It felt like she was glimpsing into my tainted soul. There was a twinge in the center of my chest as I studied her forlorn face. My arms ached to hold her. My body longed to feel her naked skin against mine.

There was no way I could be around this woman without feeling the way I did—tremulous, my emotions teetering, as though the ground beneath me was on the verge of an earthquake. At the same time, a feathery sensation floated through my body, faint but enough for me to recognize it as the same sensation I felt whenever I was around her.

Was it love? Was that how love felt? There was nothing for me to compare it to, but she was the only woman I had ever experienced it with—and I didn’t want the feeling to fade away.

“Why do you keep that thing?” she asked suddenly, her eyes lowering to my waist.

“What?” Her question jolted me out of my epiphany.

“The journal.” Kira was chewing on her bottom lip uncertainly and staring at the obvious bulge in my jacket pocket. “Why do you keep it when you could, I don’t know, get rid of it?”

As she spoke, I lifted the journal out of my pocket and stared down at it. It had seen better days, but it had also seen me through my ups and my downs. The leather that bound the aged pages was worn, stained, and imperfect— just like I was.

“It’s the only constant I have,” I answered truthfully. “I’ve had it for so long that it’s become a piece of me.”

“But it’s caused you so much pain.” She studied it in disdain as she spoke. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to let go of it and turn over a new leaf?” Her tone was hopeful, as though there was a certain response she wanted to hear.

“I don’t know.” The thought of letting go of it had never crossed my mind. How did you let go of something that was your escape?

Kira seemed dissatisfied with my response.

“Well, I guess it’ll be useful when you’re banging your next conquest in the city.” Her voice trembled, as though she was trying to keep it together.

“That probably won’t be happening.”

She seemed surprised by my response. “Why?”

I gave her a pointed stare. “You know why.”

Once again, Kira fell silent, as though she was in deep thought. “You know,” she began, “Amy told me to forgive you.”

“Really?” Now I was the one who was surprised.

“Yes.” She nodded, appearing embarrassed as she spoke. “She thinks I’ll never come across a guy who’s wealthier, better looking, or as real as you are.”

“I’ve always liked Amy,” I said, feeling myself smile for the first time since this conversation had started. “But what do you think?”

Kira stared down at her feet. “I think I don’t know.”

“Will you ever know?” I prodded.

“I’m not sure.” Her brilliant blue eyes lifted to meet mine, and she gave me a sad smile. “Have a safe trip back home, Nate. Maybe we’ll find each other in the city one day.”

In one fluid motion, she turned and was out the door, a melancholy feeling lingering in the air in the wake of her absence. The parting moment between us was bittersweet, so much was still unresolved.

With an exhausted groan, I finished packing my bag and went downstairs to say my goodbyes to the remaining Walshs who were waiting for me in the living room. Kira was nowhere in sight, but I hadn’t expected her to be.

“You are welcome back here any time, Nathaniel,” Theresa said, her eyes watering as she enveloped me in a hug.

Even though I wasn’t used to hugs from a mother, the ones from Theresa were so full of love that it was starting to thaw my resilience towards affection.

“I’ll make sure I visit with Finn,” I said as she released me.

“I look forward to it,” she said, brushing away a tear as she took a step back so her husband could speak to me.

“Ah, come here ol’ boy,” Joe said, almost crushing the air out of my lungs as he wrapped me up in a hug, too. “Sorry ‘bout all this trouble during your time here. We want you to know there are no hard feelings.”

“And I’m sorry, too,” I said, my chest heavy with the knowledge that I would be leaving them soon. “I didn’t mean to cause you guys any trouble.”

“You haven’t done anything of the sort. We’ve loved having you here. Theresa.” He motioned to his wife, who let out an ‘ooh’ and hurried over to the coffee table. She returned clutching a bottle of wine in her hand.

“This is for you, Nate.” Theresa handed it over to me, and I noticed it was a bottle of Great Lakes Blaufrankisch called
Nightingale
. It was one of the wines Kira and I’d had at the vineyard. “A little something to remember us by.”

Clutching it to my chest, I tried very hard not to think about her and that incredible night as I thanked them.

Finally, I turned to Finn who hadn’t spoken yet. He looked rough. His eyes were red, and he smelled distinctly of booze and weed—which I assumed Jackson had been the supplier of. I really hoped he pulled it together before he returned to the city.

“Have a safe drive back,” he said almost mechanically.

“Take care of yourself.” I gave him a pointed look. “I’ll see you in a week.”

Giving him a quick hug, I reached down to pick up my duffel bag and slung it over my shoulder. “You guys don’t have to walk me to my car. I’m not a fan of goodbyes.”

“Okay, Nate.” Theresa said, giving me another quick hug.

As I stared at the Walsh one final time, I realized they had been more of a family to me than my own parents ever had. Sure, my parents had given me money and an expensive car and a nice place to live, but they had never given me love. That was the one thing money couldn’t buy.

With a heavy chest, I opened up the door and stepped outside, enjoying the warm breeze on my face. As I walked across the front yard towards my car, the gentle breeze wafted some leaves across my path, reminding me of Kira’s words to me.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to let go of it and turn over a new leaf?

My breath caught in my throat. She was right. I couldn’t live my entire life with a journal as my constant. I had to let go of it.

Pulling out my phone, I texted Kira.

Are you in your room?

With determined steps, I made my way to my car and opened up my door, first placing the bottle of wine gently on the passenger seat and throwing my bag on the backseat.

Kira’s response came quickly.