The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (12 page)

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

What has two legs, one wheel, and flies?

A wheelbarrow full of horse shit.

Two old ladies are in a bar talking. One old lady says, “My throat is sore. What do you take for a sore throat?”

“I suck on a Life Saver,” says the other old lady.

“That’s easy for you,” says the first old lady. “You live at the beach!”

A sixty-year-old woman is lying in bed, reading, when she hears a voice say, “This is God. You have thirty-six more years to
live and then you will come to heaven with me.”

Early the next morning the lady goes to the beauty salon, where she gets her hair cut, colored, and styled. Then to a plastic
surgeon to get a complete face-lift, including a nose job. After liposuction, breast augmentation, a manicure, and a pedicure,
she goes to Bloomingdale’s and buys a new wardrobe. She walks out of Bloomies looking like a million bucks.

Walking across the street, she gets hit by a bus and dies instantly. She goes to heaven, walks past St. Peter without saying
a word, and marches right up to God, sticks her finger in his face and says angrily. “You said I had thirty-six more years to
live!”

“I didn’t recognize you!” says God.

A prostitute gets hit by a car. In the emergency room she tells the doctor that she thinks she’s blind. The doctor asks, “How
many fingers do I have up?”

“Oh my God,” she cries. “I’m paralyzed too!”

An old guy goes into a bar and orders a bowl of soup. The bartender brings him the soup and walks away.

The old guy calls the bartender back and says, “Taste the soup.”

“Is the soup too hot?” asks the bartender.

The old man shakes his head. “Taste the soup.”

“Is it too cold?” asks the bartender.

“Taste the soup,” says the old man.

“Is it too spicy?” asks the bartender, slightly annoyed.

“Taste the soup,” repeats the old man.

“All right, all right,” says the exasperated bartender. “Where’s the spoon?”

“Ah-ha!” says the old man triumphantly.

A guy goes to a doctor’s office with a carrot in one ear, a piece of celery in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck up his
nose. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “You’re not eating right!”

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A lady has two rabbits. She has had them since they were bunnies. They are housebroken. When she eats dinner, she puts their
bowls of lettuce and carrots on the dining-room table and they all eat together. When she sleeps, she puts them on her bed
and they all sleep together. She is very attached to the rabbits.

One day both rabbits die. The lady is heartbroken. She decides to have the rabbits stuffed so they will be with her for the
rest of her life. She takes them to the taxidermist and tells him her story about the rabbits. The taxidermist sympathizes
with the lady and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll do a real nice job for you, but let me ask you, would you like to have the rabbits
mounted?”

“Oh no,” says the lady. “Just holding hands will be nice.”

Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. The duck in the back says, “Quack, quack!”

The duck in front says, “Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can!”

If a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, then why is a ram in the ass a goose?