The Mourning Woods - 03 (7 page)

“Not worth the risk,” I stated adamantly.

“But...”

“No! Not going to happen. It’s one thing for you two to continually stab, slice, and set me on fire to chart my powers, but this is too dangerous. We’ve all seen enough movies to know that the ‘we’ll just stick you in a cage while you transform’ scene always ends badly.”

Ed considered this. “I get what you’re saying, Bill. But still, this whole scenario has a bad vibe to it. If things turn to shit, you’re going to need every advantage you can get.”

“That’s why I’m bringing Sally. She’ll be there to watch my backside.”

“But who’s going to watch hers?”

“Us,” Tom chimed in. Ed and I stopped speaking and turned to him questioningly. “We’ll be there watching her ass, amongst other things,” he said.

“Hold on just a sec...”

“Didn’t you just tell us that you were allowed to bring a contingent of supporters?” he asked. “Well who else is going to support your sorry self better than us?”

“No fucking way...”

“My point exactly,” he stated. “No fucking way are we missing a possible vampire/bigfoot death match. Not happening. Even if you weren’t my bud, I’d still be sneaking along just to see that shit.”

“He does have a point,” Ed replied. “A couple of them actually, which is probably a new record for him.”

“It’s settled then!” cried Tom jubilantly.

I tried protesting some more, but I could tell my words were falling on deaf ears. I couldn’t help but think, Great! Now, not only do I get to die, I get to do it with my friends cheering me on.

The first half of the weekend was surprisingly pleasant. I went over to the coven, as usual; however, Sally was nowhere to be seen. She was apparently still miffed at me. Oh, well, she’d come around. I knew, deep down, she would eventually see things my way. We were partners, after all...perhaps for all of eternity. She’d never admit it of course, but when push came to shove I had (almost) no doubt she’d be there backing me up.

Still, it was nice to spend some time looking at the eye candy of the coven without her harping in my ear about something or other. Being king is only good so long as you don’t have a bitchy prime minister continually spoiling your fun.

Sunday was game day. No, not
that
game. I had little interest in whoever was going to be kicking the Giants’ asses on that or any other weekend. No, I meant my weekly
Dungeons & Dragons
game. I left the coven while it was still dark to head toward scenic Newark, New Jersey. The game didn’t start until late morning, but heading over while the sun was shining wasn’t a particularly smart move for one such as me. Fortunately, I knew my game master, Dave, would already be up and waiting.

Dave is a third-year medical resident. He’s also one of the few humans, outside of my roommates, who know that I’m a vampire. Dave’s plan was to go into pure research after he finished with his residency. It wasn’t for any altruistic reason such as helping mankind. No, it was because Dave pretty much hated everyone he saw on a day to day basis. Probably a good call, as I think it’s safe to say that most of us prefer to put our lives in the hands of people who don’t openly despise us.

I had told Dave my secret because I needed his help to become a permanent telecommuter. In return, he had been almost giddy as a schoolgirl. Dave saw me as his ace in the hole. In return for his help, I agreed to give him tissue samples to use in his research. His plan was eventually to come up with some sort of miracle drug, based off of vampire DNA that would set him up for life.

We had to keep things on the down low, of course. Letting humans in on the secret of our existence was generally frowned upon. It wasn’t too hard to assume that human experimentation on vampires was probably an even more massive no-no...one that, if discovered, would most likely result in me, Dave, and everyone we know being wiped off the face of the Earth with extreme prejudice.

That concept in of itself made me nervous enough. That Dave had begun to exhibit signs of turning into a mad scientist was likewise starting to worry me. I had little doubt he conducted his research while giggling manically to himself. However, he was still my friend...no matter how nutty he was becoming.

Little did I know, he was preparing to ratchet up the crazy, although I should have suspected. Let’s face facts: when I step into a shit-storm, it rains down upon me with all the fury that Mother Nature has at her disposal.

I knocked on his door just as the first rays of sunlight were beginning to peek over the horizon. As expected, he was waiting for me.

“Come on in. I have a few new tests this morning.”

I just stood there looking back at him. “Hi, Dave.”

“Sorry. Hi, Bill. How are you this fine morning?”

“I’m fine, Dave. How are you?”

“Wonderful. Now get the fuck in here before I kill your character.” Yep, that’s Dave, straight to the point and not afraid to use threats to get there.

During my short tenure as a vampire, I had been poked, prodded, lanced, and burned so many times; I almost didn’t notice it anymore...
almost
being the operative word. That’s a bit of bullshit from Hollywood. You see, in most movies Dracula will just stand there, being pelted by bullets and laughing as his cold dead flesh absorbs the damage. Unfortunately, while real vampires may technically be just as dead, there’s nothing wrong with our nerve endings. Somehow, those work the exact same way as they always did. Therefore, while I could definitely absorb a hail of gunfire, that didn’t mean I wouldn’t wind up huddled in a fetal ball, crying. Apparently, when we get turned into vampires our bodies don’t get the memo to stop transmitting the ouchies to our brains.

Sadly, when asked if this was something he could look into during his research, Dave responded with, “Suck it up like a man.” Some days I think I need to find friends who are more human and less asshole.

I followed him in and shut the door behind me. Fortunately, his place was vampire safe during the day. The guy kept his apartment as dark as a cave. It was perfect for both gaming and not bursting aflame. Being that we still had a few hours before the rest of the party arrived, I followed him to the back room where he kept a makeshift lab.

“How’s the research going?”

“Same as usual,” he admitted. “Until I get some corporate backing, I’m stuck using whatever shit I can purloin from hospital storage.”

I laughed. “You’re like Dr. Evil...if he shopped at Walmart.”

“Tell me about it,” he sighed. “I’ve been working on this stuff for the better part of a year. Figured I’d have some breakthroughs by now.”

“Still nothing?”

“Almost. I mean I’ve isolated some bizarre protein strands in your blood, but I’m fucked if I know what they do. Originally I figured it was some sort of virus in your system...”

“Like in
Blade
?”

“Yeah, but no such luck.”

“Oh, well, you tried,” I said, turning back toward his living room. I can’t say I would be too sorry to see this end. I couldn’t help but feel like a lab rat around Dave lately.

“Not so fast. (Damn!) It doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I think it’s time to refocus my efforts.”

“Define ‘refocus.’”

“I need to take this back to square one, watch what happens during the vampire turning process.”

That caught my attention, and not in a good way either. Yeah, Dave was definitely starting to get a Dr. Frankenstein vibe to him.

“I really hope you’re not suggesting I bite someone, just so you can watch them go from living to undead. That’d be kind of fucked up.”

He shot me a withering glare. Apparently, he had been taking lessons from Ed. “Do I look like I want to go to jail? Let’s be serious here for a second. I want a nice comfy research grant, not to wind up some convict’s bitch.”

“Then how...”

“Did you learn nothing in college? When science wants to test something, we turn to our four legged friends.” With that, he pointed out a little tank sitting off in a corner of the room. Inside was a bunch of white mice.

“You want me to put mice in my mouth?”

Dave chuckled in response. “If I was going to do that, it would be to post the pictures to Facebook. No, while the thought of you chewing on rodents is amusing, I’d prefer to obtain a venom sample so I can test it under controlled conditions.”

“Venom?”

“For lack of a better word, yeah. Since I can’t seem to isolate a virus, it stands to reason there’s something else in a vampire bite that causes the change. It might be saliva, but I’d be willing to bet it has to do with those nasty canines you’re sporting.”

I rolled my eyes (guess Sally’s starting to rub off on me). “Did you ever think that maybe it’s beyond knowing...supernatural and all that crap? Maybe it’s just
magic
.”

Dave gave me a look that suggested his opinion of me was quickly being downgraded. “In the Middle Ages, people thought the sun was magic. Hell, if you showed your cell phone to certain tribes in the Amazon today, they’d either worship you or burn you at the stake. Magic is just a bullshit term for stuff we haven’t figured out yet. I, for one, intend to figure it out.”

“OK fine, I’ll humor you. So how are we going to do this?”

“The same way they milk snakes.”

“Dude, I know you work long hours and don’t have much time for a social life, but no way are you
milking
me.”

“Would probably be the most action you’ve gotten in a while,” Dave sniffed. “But let’s not be stupid here.” He grabbed a cup from a shelf. The top was covered in a plastic membrane. “Here, bite this.”

To say I was somewhat less than impressed would be an understatement. “You do realize how batshit insane this is, right? I mean outside of the stupidity of
milking me
for venom, you’re planning on using it to make vampire mice? Seriously, tell me that’s not a low-budget horror movie in the making.”

“I have it covered,” he insisted. “I have welders’ gloves for any handling that needs to be done. The tank is reinforced Plexiglas, and it’s sitting right next to the window. All I have to do is open the blinds.”

“And if one should escape?”

“I bought three dozen mousetraps and a pound of raw, bloody, chop meat.”

I blinked in surprise at that last one. “Well, OK that is pretty fucking clever.”

“Thank you. Now bite,” he commanded, handing me the glass.

I sighed. Oh, well, in for a penny. I extended my fangs then also blackened my eyes - hey, might as well make a show of it - and did as asked. About a minute later, Dave said that was good enough and took back the glass. I don’t know if it was venom or just my drool, but there was definitely something collected inside of it.