The Guarded Heart (10 page)

He clamped his hands over his mouth to keep from sobbing and forced his lungs to work before he pushed away from the door and shed the rest of his clothes. Flashes of trees and snow and Clint filled his vision as he turned on the water and Ryder squeezed his eyes shut as he leaned against the tile. How could he be so stupid? He knew he was drowning before they left for Tahoe. The last thing Ryder needed was for things to get more intense and intimate with Clint. Things were really good between them but it was the sort of good that felt like it might plateau or stall. Ryder felt like he could keep falling and lose himself in Clint but he sensed that Clint wasn’t at risk of falling with him. He was starting to worry that things were running their course for Clint and he was getting bored. A voice in Ryder’s head whispered that this trip was meant to be a sort of parting gift and once they returned Clint would start to let him down slowly. ‘
I won’t be able to last long and then it’ll be over.’
What if that was Clint’s subconscious warning Ryder?

But it had been so beautiful and Ryder meant every bit of it. He exhaled slowly, letting the panic and tension drain from him as he reached for the soap. It felt like love and it felt incredible.
Let that be enough,
he decided. Everything might be fine and Clint might come around. Looking for signs that things were coming to an end would only make Ryder miserable.
Be open to more happiness and keep hoping this is real for him too.
Ryder took another cleansing breath and centered himself as he stood under the shower then laughed as he grabbed the shampoo.
You really are a hippie,
he thought as he scrubbed.

When Ryder emerged from the bedroom he felt more solid and his lips curved gently as he stared at the table. Pancakes, juice, a bowl of cut melon and pineapple and a cup of coffee were waiting for him. A single rose rested on his napkin and a flutter of joy swirled through him and his eyes swept through the room until he found Clint watching him from the couch. His elbows were resting on his knees and his eyes were full of concern and regret.

“Where did you find a rose?” Ryder asked as he stepped closer and Clint offered a crooked smile.

“I stole it from the arrangement in the foyer,” he admitted and Ryder laughed softly. “I would have gone out and picked one but it’s December and we got seven inches of snow last night,” he said and Ryder shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter where it came from,” he decided. “Thank you,” he said and Clint looked hopeful as he stood.

“Is everything ok?” He asked carefully and Ryder nodded as he reached for Clint then grunted as Clint’s arms locked around Ryder and held him tight.

“I’m sorry I freaked out,” he muffled into Clint’s shoulder and he rubbed his back soothingly. “I had a panic attack because we got carried away.” It was a lie. He still felt a little fragile and wasn’t ready to have an honest conversation with Clint about feelings and boundaries. He felt Clint let out a relieved breath before he leaned back and found Ryder’s eyes.

“I promise, you’re ok,” he said firmly. “I wouldn’t have let it happen if I knew it wasn’t safe. I’d never hurt you like that,” Clint promised and Ryder smiled brightly and nodded in agreement despite the twisting of his stomach.

“I know,” he said firmly. He held the tiniest hope that Clint would make some declaration of love or something related to feelings but knowing that Clint cared enough not to give him an STD was a good start. “Why don’t we eat?” Ryder said cheerfully and Clint shook his head as he gestured at the table.

“You were in there for a long time,” he said as Ryder went to his seat. “I ate a little fruit salad and drank some coffee while I waited,” Clint explained. “I’ll make a list of things we need to get while you eat and we can head into town once we’re ready,” he said and Ryder’s lips twisted as he looked out the window.

“Are you sure the BMW you rented is going to get us back to the main road?” He asked and Clint shook his head.

“Probably not but Mitch and Ken keep a Land Rover in the garage,” he said and Ryder shook his head in disbelief.

“You have to stop calling this a cabin,” Ryder stated and Clint looked confused.

“Why?” He asked and Ryder gave him a flat look.

“Cabins don’t have foyers and luxury SUVs in the garage,” he pointed out and Clint threw his hands up.

“Fine. It’s not a cabin,” he said as he sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. “Most people wouldn’t complain about having electric heat and a fireplace instead of having to chop wood,” Clint said and Ryder offered him a wicked grin.

“I don’t know… I was looking forward to watching you swing an ax,” he murmured as he raised his mug. “You know how turned on I get when you do sweaty physical things,” Ryder said and Clint’s eyes narrowed as he studied Ryder.

“You could definitely pull off the lumberjack look,” he said thoughtfully and Ryder’s brows rose.

“Do you think so?” He asked and Clint nodded and his eyes grew wide.

“Holy shit,” he whispered. “I bought you a red flannel shirt and suspenders. You have to wear those today!” He declared as he jumped to his feet and Ryder chuckled as he looked up at him.

“Slow down, I’m still a little sore from earlier. You’re going to have to give me a few days before you jump me,” he said and Clint shook his head.

“You’re fucking me later,” he insisted and Ryder’s eyes widened.

“Oh…” He said as he set down his coffee then frowned up at Clint. “I didn’t think you were into lumberjacks,” he said and Clint looked a little dazed.

“Not usually but if it’s you and we’re here…” He swallowed loudly and nodded. “That could be really hot,” Clint said and Ryder felt a rush of excitement and happiness. Maybe Clint wasn’t getting bored.

“Well, then…” he said as he pushed his plate away and stood. “I guess we should get ready to go,” Ryder stated and Clint gasped excitedly as he grabbed Ryder’s arm and hurried them back to the bedroom.

Chapter 26

Leaving Tahoe was more disappointing than usual for Clint. He wanted to drag his feet and pout as he carried their suitcases to the car and spent most of the trip home trying to decide if getting his own cabin was a terrible idea. Ryder seemed content to quietly dwell on his feelings as well. They held hands in the car and occasionally exchanged sympathetic glances throughout the day. Neither were ready to leave their blissful sanctuary and return to their normal routine.

Once they recovered from the emotional free fall that first morning, the rest of the trip was heaven. Ryder tried skiing but didn’t enjoy all of the falling and keeping track of all the gear. He did enjoy the lodge and hung out by the fire with a book and a beer while Clint skied. Even though Ryder insisted it was cool, Clint only skied for two days without him. They spent a day in town visiting galleries and Clint arranged a helicopter tour that completely blew Ryder’s mind after he got over being nervous. After that, neither wanted to leave the cabin. They spent most of the remaining days in bed with occasional shower or hot tub breaks and did their best to drink as much of Mitch and Ken’s wine as they could.

Christ, they had a lot of sex. After the first morning, Clint wasn’t in a rush to fuck Ryder and didn’t until later on the fourth day. Ryder practically had to beg. It had less to do with letting Ryder recover from a really hard, dry fuck and more to do with using condoms and Clint’s guilt.

He knew that wearing a condom after fucking Ryder without one would feel incomplete. He’d silently fantasized about going without them for weeks but didn’t have the nerve to bring it up. Clint knew that asking would lead to discussions about monogamy and commitment, feelings and the future. He didn’t want to have sex with anyone else and the thought of somebody touching Ryder made him sick but Clint couldn’t bring himself to tell him. After a lifetime of keeping his feelings neatly tucked away, expressing them felt as cumbersome and dangerous as pushing a car uphill. While it was on fire. What if he said the wrong thing or Ryder wasn’t in the same place? What if they were in the same place but changing their relationship ruined what they already had? This was so new for Clint, he’d never had anything like this before Ryder. He just wanted it to keep going and all he wanted was more.

Which only added to the guilt. Once the confusion and fear of losing Ryder dissipated, Clint was left with overwhelming guilt. He knew he took something he hadn’t paid for that morning. The hour Ryder spent locked in the bathroom felt like a trial and Clint didn’t bother to defend himself. After weeks of obsessively imagining what it would be like to finally touch Ryder like that, to have nothing between them and to spill himself so deep and completely in Ryder, Clint was too weak to put up a fight when Ryder asked for it. He knew Ryder was caught up in the moment and would probably regret it but he wanted it so badly, Clint selfishly took advantage of him.

Worst of all, Clint didn’t regret it. He felt horribly guilty but he wouldn’t take it back if he could. He would have used a little lube if it were up to him but he wouldn’t say no. He’d fuck Ryder in those woods a thousand times and go to Hell for it every time he had the chance. No matter how many times he imagined it, he wasn’t prepared for the reality of fucking Ryder bareback. It was transcendent. Clint knew he’d feel like a complete jackass if he said that out loud but it was true. He’d done it a few times in the past but he could barely remember the guys or anything remarkable about any of it except that it had been more convenient not fussing with condoms. With Ryder, it was like sex on acid. It was like wrapping his cock in lightning and setting his body on fire. The glowing, pulsing heat he always felt when he touched Ryder was so much more intense, it was like falling into a furnace. When Clint came inside of Ryder it was like an eruption that built from deep within him, not something that swelled from his sack like every other time he got off. And it was as if they did meld and become one for an achingly divine moment. He felt Ryder clench tight around him as he came and Clint believed he was feeling Ryder’s orgasm, that somehow, the come that poured from him was the same that rushed from Ryder’s cock. There was no way he’d ever regret that or stop wanting it.

“There was a narrow cupboard by the stove in my grandparent’s kitchen. I used to like to hide in it when it was cold or I was sad or scared,” Clint said as they drove away from the airport. “My grandma found me crying in it the day after my dad died. She said carrying on like that was for women and babies and that I needed to act like a man and start looking after my mom. She said her and grandpa would put a roof over our heads but it was up to me to take care of her. I was seven and she beat me with a wooden spoon for hiding like a fool in her cupboard,” he said quietly and Ryder gasped as he reached for Clint.

“I’m so sorry!” He said as his hand tightened around Clint’s and he pressed his face against Clint’s shoulder.

Clint nodded but kept his eyes on the road. They remained silent the rest of the drive, neither felt ready to lighten the mood or distract the other.
There are so many things I wish I could tell you but I don’t know how. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my whole damn life and it’s stuck inside of me.
Sharing that memory was as close as Clint could come to explaining why he couldn’t tell Ryder and he prayed it would buy him some time.

Chapter 27

August 2015

It was so fucking hot and the box fan was dead. Ryder stretched his arms and legs wide and imagined the sweat evaporating from his skin and prayed for a breeze as he stared at the ceiling. He considered another shower but he knew the water wouldn’t be cold and the bar of soap was dangerously thin and he was burning through his dish soap. He swallowed and worked his tongue around his mouth, trying to make it less sticky as he calculated how much longer he had to wait until he had more ice cubes in the freezer.

Maybe it was because he was naked and he was awake in the middle of the night. Maybe his karma was off and the universe was punishing him. Ryder groaned as his cock grew warm and heavy and pulsed insistently against his thigh.
Why now? My brain is about to boil in my skull and I’m practically drowning in my own sweat,
he complained but his erection twitched belligerently and his sack throbbed.

“I might as well,” he muttered as he wrapped his fist around his shaft. It was so rare that he felt like getting off, he had to go with it whenever the mood hit him.

Ryder shut his eyes and a weak groan rattled in his throat as heat radiated from his groin. He could do without that. He wanted to squeeze his balls but the thought of making them hotter wasn’t very appealing so he traced his nipple with his finger and shut his eyes. He knew what would happen as soon as he was alone inside his mind. Clint’s face tilted toward Ryder’s and his lips curved in a cocky grin as his finger’s danced over Ryder’s cock.

“Please, Clint,” Ryder whispered shakily as his hand slowly slid down his length. It was always Clint. Every time Ryder jerked off he went back to Clint. He whimpered as Clint’s tongue dipped into his navel and his hands spread Ryder’s thighs wide. “I need you to fuck me,” he begged as his hand gripped tight and stroked firmly. Ryder’s back arched and his heels dug into the mattress as Clint’s tongue lapped at his hole. “Yes!” He gasped and his head thrashed on the pillow as Clint’s tongue drilled and probed. Ryder’s hand tugged swiftly and his blood boiled beneath his skin as the head of Clint’s cock slid past the tight ring of his ass and stretched his passage. His finger pinched and rolled around his nipple and Ryder’s breath hissed through his teeth as Clint thrust hard and rocked his hips, grinding against Ryder’s prostate. “Harder!” Ryder pleaded breathlessly as the sound of his hand pulling at his sweat slick flesh and the pounding of his heart filled the room. “You’re going to make me come so hard. No one can make me come as hard as you do,” he panted as pleasure and pressure flooded his groin. Clint’s mouth fused with Ryder’s as he filled his ass with deep, driving thrusts and Ryder’s eyes rolled as his nerves flickered and his muscles grew tight. A long wavering moan spilled from Ryder as Clint’s hips slammed into him and the searing heat of Clint’s come filled his ass. Ryder’s eyes flared and his mouth stretched open on a silent scream as come erupted from the head of his cock and bathed his fist.

Ryder squeezed his eyes shut and swore under his breath as his body jumped and twitched as another tremor rolled through him. Clint’s face hovered above him and Ryder shook his head as tears slid from his eyes. He released his fading erection and flung his hand away from him as he waited for his chest to stop heaving. He would never be free. The echoes of Clint’s lips, fingers and cock would never leave his body.

He blinked at the ceiling and silently begged Clint to go away as his limbs became heavy. At least he was too tired and sad to care about being hot. Ryder released a shuddering breath and gave in as more tears slipped from his eyes. A loud sob burst from his lips and he watched it drift out the open window.