The Changeling (Book One of The Síofra Chronicles) (18 page)

He had Becca lie on the ground and climbed over her, trapping her.  She giggled at him and he turned red again, blushing this time
, and I felt slightly nauseated. 

"Not to be rude or anything," Brittany drawled, her voice sounding bored as she picked at her manicure
, "but can you guys do that on your own time?  I'd kind of like to keep my breakfast down over here." 

Becca had the grace to blush
, but Elliott grinned at us like an idiot.  I briefly considered kicking him in his oversized head, but Mom would have had me washing dishes for the rest of the day if I tried, so I stuck my tongue out at him instead.

"So say the guy has you down like this," he said loudly, all business again. "He's heavy, and you're not
, so you're gonna have a helluva time getting out of this."

"I don't know," Becca interjected with a playful smile
. "I kind of like where I'm at."  He grinned at her again with a dopey smile, and I'd had enough. 

I picked up a clod of
soil and lobbed it at his head.  It exploded everywhere, and he shot me an evil glare while Becca spat the dirt out of her mouth and brushed it out of her eyes. Brittany chortled as I smirked and arched an eyebrow at them both.

"You're distracting her
, Elliott. Get off," I ordered him, putting my foot on his side and giving him a strong shove.  "I'll be the guy.  You go be the pervy dude peeping through the windows. Over there." I pointed to the other side of the yard.  Becca laughed at him and whispered something in his ear before shoving him off. 

He glared at me and mouthed something that looked remarkably like a threat. 

"Bring it, jerk," I taunted him as he walked past me and we switched spots. 

The next hour was far more productive as he taught us to use our thumbs to tighten someone’s shirt collar until it choked them out and how to twist our hips to flip our attackers over so we can get loose and run away. Brittany got bored not long after and bailed on me, leaving me alone with my lovesick brother and best friend.

I had the most fun when we learned to use our elbows and our knees.  As skinny as I was, mine were pretty sharp and deadly accurate. I giggled every time I got to drive my elbow into his gut and knock the air out of him.  He finally called it quits because he was bruised and sore.

"Are you going to tell all your Army buddies your little sister kicked your butt?" I teased him as we walked back to the house. 

"Absolutely not," he scoffed, holding the door open for me.  "If I tell them my little sister beat me up, they're all going to want to meet you and I would hate to have to kill a battle buddy for making a pass at my little sister.  I'm going to tell them it was all Becca."

I grinned at him
, and for the first time since I’d learned Caroline had died, I felt the tight ball of pain in my chest loosen up some. My smile didn't feel fake, and it made me feel horribly guilty.  Feeling the tears pricking at the back of my eyes, I made up an excuse about being tired to Becca and Elliott and fled upstairs.

I somehow doubted they
’d even heard me with the heated glances they ‘d been giving one another.  I was glad they had each other even if right then I felt like I needed my best friend.  Besides, it wasn’t like I couldn't even tell her why I was a wreck.  Not for the first time I felt isolated and alone and wished I had someone—anyone—to share my pain with.

I collapsed on my bed and sobbed into my pillow until the tears ran dry.  I had never felt so alone in my life
, and the feeling was so horrible I could barely stand it.  I didn't know how other people could do it—handle loss and tragedy without family and friends to ease their pain.  All I wanted was to escape from everything, and irrationally, I thought of Dom.  I missed Dom.  He always knew what to say to make me feel better, and before I could talk myself out of it, I had my phone in my hand.

You back in town yet?

I put my phone on the nightstand and stared at my ceiling, running the moves Elliott had taught me through my head, only in my imagination it wasn’t a drunken jerk I was fighting off, but a giant formless black shadow moving through the darkness, calling my name and laughing like ice as he attacked. 

My phone buzzed and I started, caught up in my daydream
—or day-mare.  My imagination was far too vivid. I had goose bumps down my arms.  I shivered and picked up my phone.

Got back in town this morning.  Did you want to grab something to eat?

I did, but it was a two-hour drive back to the school and we weren't supposed to leave until the next morning.  Elliott was flying out tomorrow afternoon and I wanted to give him and Becca as much time together as I could before he left so they could work out whatever it was between them.  I didn't want to have to use my sharp, pointy elbow on my brother if he broke my best friend’s heart again.

I wish I could.  Still at home until tomorrow.

Not having fun?

I didn't even know how to address that.  No, no I was not having fun at all
, but that couldn't be blamed on my family.  They had been great.  It was my secret life making me miserable and putting me in danger. 

Not really
.  Ramen sounds so much better than more leftovers.

Now I know you're full of crap.  Miss you anyway.

Miss you too. 

I stared awkwardly at the screen.  I did miss him.  I'd avoided seeing him since I
’d said I wanted to be friends, but the truth was that I missed him a great deal, even if it wasn't in the way he wished I would.  He made me feel normal even when everything else was crazy.

The phone rang
, and I blinked in surprise when Dom's number registered on the screen.  Dom
never
called me. He just sent text messages.

I answered the phone hesitantly. 
"Hello?"

"Do you miss me, or do you '
miss
me' miss me?"  He sounded breathless, and my heart raced. 

"I miss you," I answered, kicking myself for getting his hopes up again
, and my breath caught and tears spilled down my face.

"Cass? What's wrong?  Are you crying?" He sounded frantic.  "Do you want me to come get you?"

I tried to answer but the words caught in my throat as the grief swallowed me again.

"That's it
. I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can.”

"No
! I promise I'm fine.  I'm having a crappy week.  You know, family drama."  I was still crying, unable to reel it back in.

I could hear him breathing, arguing with himself about whether or not to ignore me and come and get me anyway.

"Dom?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm fine. I promise. I’m going a little stir-crazy and I was kind of missing hanging out with you."

"I miss you too
, Cass," he said, his voice thick with emotion.  "You know, just because we're taking things slow doesn't mean we can't hang out.  You should come over tomorrow night and hang out.  Friends do that sometimes.  I'll even let you pick the show."

I should have said no.  I should have shut that door completely because I knew in the end I was going to hurt him
, but I couldn't. I was clinging to every ounce of normalcy I could get.  Being around Dom let me hide from my troubles, and that was exactly what I needed.

"Okay," I told him.  It was only because I didn't want to be alone.  I didn't want time to think about shadowy monsters calling my name or starving elves stalking me or angry best friends who wanted to know all my secrets when they wouldn't believe any of them. 

"It's a date," he chuckled, and I could almost hear his grin.

"It's not a date," I argued.  "It's just two friends hanging out and watching TV."

"Tomato tahmato," he laughed into the phone.  "Call it what you want, but I'll be having dinner with a hot redhead either way." 

"Goodnight
, Dom," I smiled in spite of myself.

"Goodnight
, Cassie."

Chapter
Twenty One

"You look better today," Aleksander said, embracing me. I inhaled his clean scent and returned his embrace, not pulling away even when he held me longer than normal.

"Yeah," I said
. "I feel a little bit better. What about you? Are you okay?" I pulled away and looked at his face as if it could tell me what he was thinking.  All I saw in his eyes was relief, and I realized he had probably spent the whole time I was gone worrying about me. 

"I'm fine.  It's you I'm worried about,” he
admitted quietly, his eyes sweeping over me as if to reassure himself.

I shot him a questioning glance but didn't say anything, just agreed with him when he suggested we go to his house and talk about my options.

His house was comfortable, with high ceilings to accommodate his tall frame and lots of large window panes to let in the light. I moved to a wooden chair near a table in his kitchen and sat down while he filled a kettle with water and set it on a small stove to heat. 

"So I wanted to talk to you about something,"
he started, taking a seat in the chair across from me. 

"Okay," I agreed warily.

His behavior was odd, and I almost felt my heart stop as I waited for him to speak. He was looking out his windows, at the fire—anywhere but at me—and all sorts of warning signs in large red letters started flashing at me.  He was nervous and worried that whatever it was he wanted to talk to me about was going to make me flip out.

"I want you to hear me out all the way through
. Can you promise me that?" 

Oh yeah. He was definitely nervous.

"I can try if you can actually look at me and not at my feet," I snapped at him impatiently.  "You're starting to freak me out.  Whatever it is, stop angsting on it and spit it out."

A ghost of a smile played at his lips
, and I could feel the tension easing. 

"Sorry.  I'm not trying to 'angst
.'  It's something I've given a lot of thought to, and I need you to hear me out before you shoot me down."

My stomach exploded with butterflies, their tiny wings flapping along the walls of my stomach and feeding my nerves.  I didn't trust myself not to squeak so I
stared at him quietly.

"You see, the thing is
, you're not safe," he said. 

I opened my mouth to argue and tell him about how I had spent all day learning to handle myself
, but he shot me a dirty look, reminding me that I agreed to hear him all the way out. I closed my mouth and gestured for him to continue.

"You're not safe in the mortal world as long as you keep coming here. So I think it would be best for everyone involved if you made your choice now instead of waiting."  He exhaled loudly and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction.

I stared at him incredulously, waiting for the punch line.  When I realized none was coming, I sputtered angrily.

"Are you serious?" I demanded, feeling panicky and anxious, like a tiger backed into a cage.  "I have until my birthday to make my choice. 
You
said I wouldn't have to make my choice before I was ready.  In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am
not
ready!" 

He frowned at me and ran a hand nervously through his
summer-colored hair. He shot a wary glance at me, like somehow I was the one who was being unreasonable.  I narrowed my eyes at him and set my jaw stubbornly. 

"I know what I said," he
exclaimed loudly, frustration ringing in every word he bit out. "But that was before we knew there was an Erlking on the loose.  You can't keep dancing around the mortal world like you're a piece of candy waiting to be eaten.  If you would just declare a choice, then you would be safe.  Why are you being so damn unreasonable?"

Anger flared at my chest
, and he was lucky he was out of reach of my pointy elbows or I would have been tempted to drop him like a sack of potatoes.

"Maybe because I've got a family I'm not willing to give up!" I yelled at him, hurling the words at him.  "You're asking me to give up everything on the off chance this monster will find me!  Don't get me wrong
, Aleksander. I love it here, and it would kill me to say goodbye to you, but you can't ask me to say goodbye to them yet either!  That's not fair!"

He blinked at me, the color draining from his face.  It was the first time either of us had voiced that I might choose to stay with my family and how that might feel.  He opened his mouth then closed it just as suddenly. He jumped out of his seat and paced the floor in front of the fireplace, his face agitated. Clearly it wasn’t the answer he
had been expecting, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. 

"Okay then," he muttered darkly.  "Okay, if you can't say goodbye to them, if it's too much to give up
, then stay with them.   The magic should stop clinging to you after a couple of days and then there would be no reason for the Erlking to hunt you.  You would still be safe.  Okay.  Okay, so we need to go see the Queen and tell her you're ready."

He reached down and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of my seat and hauling me toward the door like a man on a mission.

"What the hell?" I yelled and wrenched my hand from his grip, moving backward until I hit a wall.  "I am
not
ready and you are not listening to me!"

He stared at me, his eyes so full of despair that I felt my anger deflate.  I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck
, pull him to me, and promise him that everything would be okay.  I wanted to comfort him and whisper soothing words in his ear until that look went away and never came back. 

"I
am
listening, Cassie.  If you aren't ready to say goodbye to them, then you should stay with them so you can be safe." 

I crossed the room and cupped his face in my palms, forcing him to look in my eyes. His were clouded with fear, worry, and pain.

"I am not going anywhere, Aleksander.  I'm not willing to say goodbye to my family yet, but I'm not going to say goodbye to you either.  I get it. You're scared.  I'm scared too, but I'm not going to let some shadowy threat that may or may not come for me make my choices for me.  It is my choice to make, and for once in my life, I will be the one to make it.  But I’m not going to do it while I'm scared."

"But
—" he started to argue, his eyes flashing. 

I covered his mouth with my hand, silencing him. 
"No buts. My choice, my timeline. That's how it's going to be.  You can't make me choose before I'm ready," I stated firmly, moving my hand from his mouth and resting it on his shoulder.

He opened his mouth to protest again and I moved faster than he could, pressing my lips to his and muffling his words.  He hesitated a moment
, but then his lips moved under mine, his arms snaking around my waist and crushing me to his chest.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him fervently, letting him feel all my desperation and resolve, feeling his heart pound through his chest against mine. 

I was stubborn, and I wasn't going anywhere.  I wasn't going to let him or his fears take me away from what I wanted, especially now that I was starting to figure out what it was.  I wanted him.  I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything before
, and I wasn't giving him up without a fight.  He growled as I nipped at his lip and I felt the butterflies burst into flame, a low, pleasant heat building in my stomach and stretching through my limbs. 

With a groan
, he broke the kiss and pushed me away, agitatedly running a hand through his hair as he drew shaky breaths, his eyes flashing.

"No
, Cassie. I won't be like Erik. I can't." 

A knot formed in my throat and I covered my mouth with my hands, stepping back
farther and creating more space between us as I struggled to get my emotions under control. 

"Are you kidding me?" I demanded incredulously, blinking back the tears that burned behind my eyelids. 

How could he kiss me like that if he didn't feel something for me?  He had told me before that he didn't believe in Síofra getting involved with their Caomhnóir's, but to hear him actually say so after kissing me with so much feeling made something in my chest crack.

"No, I'm not kidding," he
said, refusing to meet my eyes.  "I can't be Erik.  I won't let myself feel anything more than friendship for you. You need to make a choice, Cassie, and if you aren't ready to stay here, then you need to go home. Go home, Cassie, and stay there."

My lip trembled
, and I wasn't sure if it was from anger or from the feeling of my heart beginning to shatter.  He didn't want me.  How could he if he was so willing to shove me away, to tell me that I should give up everything he had shown me, all the wondrous possibilities he had given me.  Possibilities he was snatching from my grasp just as I was beginning to see them.

"But I can't," I
said, my voice trembling. I was grateful I hadn't already made my choice because his now cold demeanor would surely have killed me. "I can't do that.  You said this is what I was meant for. All I've ever wanted was to find my place, and you gave it to me.  You can't take it away now that I’ve found where that is."

He turned away from me, ducking his head so I couldn't see his face. 
"I was wrong," he growled.

I wrapped my arms around my chest,
tightly hugging myself like I would fall apart if I let go.  "You don't mean that," I said.

He spun on his heel and his eyes flared with anger.  "No I don't mean that
, but it doesn't mean I'm going to let you toy with me and break my heart and leave me here to die. You can't ask that of me, Cassie.  And you can't ask me to sit by and watch you put yourself out there like bait every day until you turn twenty or until it finds you and kills you."

"I'm not trying to toy with you," I
said, tears spilling down my face. "I would never—"

"It doesn't matter if you're trying to or not," he said quietly.  "You're impossible not to love, but I'm going to do my best.  I want you to be safe, even if it means you're safe with your family and I never see you again.  But this
… This isn't going to happen again.  I don't want it to and you shouldn't either. You're making your choice and now I'm making mine."

I inhaled sharply and dug deep for the tattered remnants of my pride, jerking my chin up.  "Okay then," I conceded, my voice thick with emotion.  "It won't. As a matter of fact, we don't even have to see each other.  Just because I'm here every night doesn't mean I have to spend it with you until you’re ready to stop being a jerk about this.  This is my choice to make and I will not allow you to take it from me.  Not with guilt, not with love, not with force
, and not with emotional manipulation.  I'm sorry I kissed you. It won't happen again." 

He opened his mouth to respond but it was too late. I was done with this conversation and mortified to my core. I had put myself out there and had been shut down. I wanted out of there. I shut my eyes
and willed myself home as hard as I could until felt my pillow under my cheek. Turning my face into its softness, I screamed into my pillow until I felt like I could face the day without falling apart.