The Book of Bloke (10 page)

Patriots are often dubbed ‘racist’, purely because of their hatred for all races besides their own. In fact, the Patriot is not motivated by racism, but by a sincere belief in the incompatibility of different cultures, and the certainty that people are hiding weapons in their turbans. Most of all, the Patriot just believes that as Australia is such a wonderful place, it is worth saving, and he is finely attuned to the signs of disintegration all around him, such as kebab shops, elderly Chinese people who don’t speak English, and Wankstas. Pretty soon, the Patriot warns, we won’t even recognise this country, such will be the proliferation of dusky hues and spicy foods surrounding us. The Patriot considers his role as that of a canary in a coal mine, not literally – as few Patriots have thus far proved willing to suffer death by asphyxiation in order to realign society – but in a figurative sense. The Patriot is the Bloke who warns that if we do not turn from the path we are on, we are doomed to see all we hold dear washed away in a sea of burqas and hip-hop.

As a rule, Patriots prefer the company of white people, but, again, this is not racist – it’s simply because white people
get
him, you know? Patriots are not, however, solely concerned with racial matters – they tend to be well-rounded individuals with a wide range of interests. For example, young Patriots can often be seen sporting Southern Cross tattoos in honour of their love of astronomy.

Patriots can often be recognised by their grim expression and the Australian flag tied around their shoulders. However, this is actually only the pupa: a fully-grown Patriot will emerge from the flag-chrysalis at around twenty-five to thirty years of age, his Patriotism well-developed, and prepared to defend his country by singing the national anthem very loudly, frowning suspiciously at soccer matches, and getting drunk in Turkey once a year.

No time to get drunk in Turkey, however, for the
Stock Star
, the worker bee of Rightoids, who is responsible for sustaining the Rightoid economy through his tireless work and suits. These suits make the Stock Star easily identifiable to the observer as perhaps the most splendidly decorated of Rightoids. The Stock Star can also be identified by his slick hair, his slick demeanour, his slick wife, and his tendency to babble incoherently in a dialect that linguists have yet to decipher. This dialect is characterised by a quick-fire, staccato mode of speech, and the frequent use of terms such as ‘CFD’, ‘margin calls’ and ‘stapled securities’, the meanings of which remain a mystery at the time of writing.

The Stock Star is unusual among Rightoids in that politics plays but a tangential role in his life. Although, obviously, of a right-wing persuasion, Stock Stars tend to be fairly flexible in their political beliefs, as politics is not a particularly pressing concern for them. Rather, the Stock Star’s lifelong focus is on winning a contest that can be most accurately described as ‘Who’s Got The Most Money?’ He will attempt to manipulate the political situation if he feels it will help him win this contest, but not out of any great conviction or ideology. A Stock Star will happily hug a tree or kiss Kim Jong Il’s feet if he feels it will boost his portfolio. Left to his own devices, however, he is more likely to cut down that tree so it falls on an orphanage, as that would be more fun, and the Stock Star is a fun-loving Bloke, always looking for amusement or a quick thrill. Some of the things that give the Stock Star the most enjoyment include:

• large amounts of money 
  
• things that can be sold for large amounts of money 
  
• pictures of large amounts of money 
  
• punching kittens 
  

Unsurprisingly, Stock Stars are generally considered good company, and should you get the opportunity to spend a night out with one, take it up, as it will be a marvellous experience. However, it is recommended that anyone coming into contact with a Stock Star should avoid dropping their guard, as he is still a predatory Bloke, and all the wild nights on the town won’t count for much if you wake up the next morning with a killer hangover and ten thousand shares in Atari. Still, with a bit of commonsense, Stock Stars can indeed be studied, and enjoyed, at close quarters by people of all ages.

Less easy to get close to is the
Hawk
, an ill-tempered Rightoid closely related to the Patriot and often seen associating with packs of Young Liberals. The Hawk is engaged in an entirely different contest to that of the Stock Star, best described as ‘Who Shall We Blow Up?’ Like the Patriot, the Hawk has deep and profound concerns about the malign influence of foreign forces on our great nation; unlike the Patriot, the Hawk believes the solution lies not so much in expelling those forces from our shores, as it does in going over to their shores and shooting as many of them as possible.

Hawks are versatile Blokes and integrate easily into the social strata of many different species. They are particularly prevalent within Veteran societies, and can often be seen among Bogans, Bloke’s Blokes, and occasionally even Geeks, the last of these being readily convinced of the merits of warfare if you can get them to think of it in terms of the Rebel Alliance. It is often difficult to spot a Hawk simply by his appearance, although he often has an extremely angry facial expression and may twitch a lot. If a Bloke is wearing a lot of medals and it isn’t Anzac Day, he might be a Hawk. Khaki clothing is also a dead giveaway, unless of course the wearer is an actual soldier, in which case he is definitely not a Hawk – Hawks never join the armed forces.

That Hawks eschew military service may seem to be something of a paradox, but it is easily understood once one grasps the fact that Hawks are defined by their
love
of war, not by any desire to actually go to war. Hawks, in fact, will always try to stay as far away as possible from actual violence – another way in which they differ from Patriots – and avoid harm to their person at all costs. Some see this is as cowardly, but it’s simply that the Hawk is acutely aware of his importance to the greater cause: if he is lost, nobody will be left to whip up home-front support for our troops, so it’s vital that he stays fit and healthy.

The cause to which Hawks are so passionately committed is of course that of having people go to war. Hawks generally devote their entire lives, sometimes at the expense of relationships, family and personal hygiene, to convincing the wider populace of the myriad practical benefits of people going to war. These benefits range from job-creation, to the dissemination of democratic principles, to how cool it is.

Perhaps the most interesting feature of the Hawk is his ability to neatly divide all of humanity, and especially Blokes, into opposing categories. To the Hawk, there are two kinds of people in the world: those who want other people to go to war; and those who are a bit gay.

As has been seen, Rightoids are not always the easiest Blokes to get along with. They can be abrasive, opinionated, and prone to sudden, violent attacks of family values. But this does not mean the Rightoid does not play a crucial role in the Bloke ecosystem. The symbiotic relationship of the Rightoid to the Leftite is only one part of this: Rightoids, in the end, are Blokes who get things
done
. Whether that be Young Liberals propelling the advancement of political thought, Stock Stars fuelling the economic engine of the nation, or Patriots getting drunk and beating up refugees, Rightoids are Blokes of action who ensure that the country does not descend into a tedious navel-gazing abyss, as the Greens would have it. There are other strains of Rightoid not discussed here, such as the
Moral
Panicka
, the
Thunderous Pulpit
, and the
Shock Jock
, but all Rightoids share a common bedrock belief in the limitless potential of the human race, the possibility for progress through ingenuity and tax relief, and the need to keep an eye on that guy over there who looks a bit dodgy. Stick around, Rightoids – we wouldn’t know what to do without you.

Did you know
… In 1992 the town of Tuggeranong was declared Australia’s Blokiest Town. Visitors to the town can today view the statue erected in honour of the title, which depicts a rugged Akubra-wearing shearer giggling at the town’s name.

‘Snag by name, Snag by nature’ is a phrase commonly used by people before they realise that it makes no sense. Snags, named for the fact that they often get caught on things, are an intriguing family of Blokes who lack many traditional Blokey qualities, yet have carved out a valuable niche in Bloke society. They are now considered invaluable to Blokedom by many experts, while being considered total wankers by others.

Most Snags are unlikely to use the word ‘Bloke’, except when they’re in a pub trying to prove that they can relate to the common man; nevertheless, they do consider themselves proud Blokes to their bootstraps, and will respond fiercely to any suggestion that they lack authentic Blokiness. Indeed, wounded Snags have been known to engage in passive-aggressive silences lasting up to three months at a time, and their sarcasm is a feared weapon throughout the Bloke kingdom, having been deployed to particularly devastating effect during the Bogan-Snag Wars (1983–86, 1988–89, 1994–97, 1999–2002, and 2004–05). Today, Snags and Bogans live in an uneasy state of truce, but it is expected their rivalry could erupt into violence and/or satirical novels at any moment.

The Snag branched off relatively late in the Bloke evolutionary timeline, appearing some fifty years ago as what was then considered a new variety of Fauxke, but is now seen as a species in its own right, with its own customs, culture, and approach to hair product. Snags have since become extremely prevalent and can be found in almost any environment, having migrated from their original spawning grounds in the cities to the outer suburbs and beyond, penetrating deep into the remote outback, where they live off souvenir shops and local theatre groups. Part of the Snag’s success in spreading himself throughout the land can be attributed to his ability to mimic: perhaps more than any other Bloke, the Snag is desperate to make friends and will go to great lengths to convince any other Bloke that they are cut from the same cloth. Many people enjoy the company of Snags, finding them cute and harmless. Others want to kill them with fire. There are arguments for both views.

It would be a mistake to think the Snag is nothing
but
a mimic, however, with no distinctive characteristics of his own. His ability to assume other Blokes’ mannerisms and feign interest in their interests is used only at opportune moments, and most of the time the Snag pursues his own uniquely Snaggish lifestyle. The main concern of the average Snag is interpersonal relationships, most commonly – though not exclusively – with the opposite sex. Indeed, it is this fixation with the snaring of romantic targets that caused the Snag to develop his talent for mimicry; much like a tribesman donning animal skins to stalk his prey, the Snag will drape himself with character traits and personality quirks which he believes will endear him to the object of his desire. Chameleon-like, he will adopt, say, a willingness to cry at movies, or an intense interest in modern dance, in order to bring down his quarry. Snags are generally hazy on what they will do after their quest is successful – will the pretence of loving kittens and bluegrass music have to be maintained for the rest of his life? But, fortunately, this problem rarely arises, as the average Snag does not possess what might be termed a high hit-rate.

Snags are not easily discouraged, however, nor are they entirely aware of their own insincerity. Herein we see a fundamental difference in the way in which Snags relate to the different sexes: whereas the Snag despises and simultaneously yearns to be just like other Blokes, he is almost defined by his utter inability to relate to non-Snags. On the other hand, when it comes to women, the Snag can’t relate to them either, but strongly believes that he can. This is in stark contrast to the way most other Blokes relate to the sexes, whereby they understand and compete with other Blokes, and frequently forget women are actually in the room.

Although Snags, as indicated, tend to infest all sorts of environments in their attempts to integrate into wider society, their natural habitat is the wine bar, or, failing that, anywhere that music isn’t being played too loudly. Mood lighting is also important, which is why Snags tend to avoid modern restaurants and entertain at home, where they have better control over the candlepower per square metre. Statistics show that Snags are more likely than any other Bloke to own more than one cookbook, and researchers in the field report many instances of Snags openly stating to guests that cooking is ‘a wonderful way for me to express myself creatively’ – a scenario depicted with chilling veracity in the seminal work by A.P. Gondereiger,
Snags: A Study of Their Habits, Customs, and How to Avoid Being Invited to Their Dinner Parties
(Schaeffer, 1991).

Snags tend to abhor physical violence, at least if women are in earshot, and much prefer to settle their differences through conversation and reasoned debate, which has made them some of the most fearsome warriors history has ever seen. In the aforementioned Bogan Wars, there are many documented incidents of vanquished foes who pleaded for death rather than continue discussing the real source of their aggression, or be forced to ‘hug it out’ – a terrifying Snag ritual inflicted on their enemies as a warning to others who would dare challenge Snag hegemony.

This might give the impression that Snags are a warlike race, but this is far from true: battle is a last resort for all Snags, who prefer to lead peaceful lives of professional and personal self-actualisation while helping others to get in touch with their feelings and boosting their self-esteem. Snags worship at the altar of Tolerance, and annually make a sacrifice to their god, usually consisting of burnt sushi or maybe a nice pair of slacks. For this reason, Snags actually tend to make fairly amiable companions as long as you don’t let them talk too much, and many ordinary, healthy people have managed to sustain long and satisfying friendships with Snags, just by exercising a little discipline and screening their phone calls. Snags are particularly popular among the female segment of the population; women tend to love a good Snag, right up to the point when they realise he was trying to get into their pants all along, at which point they will abandon him and rush off to cry on the shoulder of a good and trusted friend, usually another Snag who is also trying to get into their pants. This is the origin of the well-known Bloke saying, ‘It kind of sucks to be a chick’. This saying is never said by Snags, however, because they’re not idiots.

Not so long ago, Snags were literally unknown in Bloke society, yet today they are not only ubiquitous, but hold many positions of power and influence. Well-known Snags include swimmer Ian Thorpe, who proves that being a Snag is compatible with athletic achievement, as long as you make sure to move into TV and fashion design at the first opportunity. Political Snags are rather thin on the ground, as politics does not lend itself all that well to Tolerance, but there are a few – most of the Australian Greens, for example, are Snags, and there is much suspicion that Christopher Pyne is a Snag, although he has tried to quash this rumour by joining the Liberal Party and generally acting obnoxiously. Snags abound in the field of arts and entertainment, and include movie star Hugh Jackman, who was mis-categorised by some as a Bloke’s Bloke until they found out he liked to dance; singer Guy Sebastian; comedian Rove McManus; writer David Marr; and of course Germaine Greer. One of Australia’s greatest ever Snags is John Farnham, dubbed ‘the Snagfather’ by some, who is said to have freed the Snags back in the 1960s by showing that it was okay for a Bloke to look a bit like a girl and appeal mainly to menopausal women. Another line of thought has it that Farnham was less important than Peter Allen to the Snags’ rights movement, but we don’t have space here to go into the intricacies of a passionate and complex forty-year debate that has contained more maracas and bagpipes than would have been ideal. Whoever was responsible, today the Snag is well accepted in this country, and anti-Snag bigotry is at an all-time low – in this author’s opinion, it would be unfair to single out any one Snag for the lion’s share of praise for this state of affairs. Let us simply celebrate it with some Merlot and a nice brie.

Some of the more common Snag breeds include:

The
Neo-Handholder
. This is what might be termed the ‘classic’ Snag – the Snag that most casual observers think of when they hear the word ‘Snag’. The Handholder is a deeply committed Snag who believes that there is a new way of doing things, a new way of being masculine, and that he is in the vanguard of a movement revolutionising the way humans relate to each other. Open with his emotions to a frankly disturbing degree, the Handholder can be found in almost any café or bar in any town in Australia, sipping wine or coffee and, if alone, reading a book or
The Monthly
. If not alone, he will be deep in conversation with a friend, and it is here that the Handholder is most clearly identified, displaying the behaviour that makes him such a source of fascination to curious Blokeologists.

Almost always the Neo-Handholder’s friends will be female – he sees no point in expending precious energy on male friends. All of his time and effort is devoted to looking into women’s eyes, nodding understandingly, and emitting reassuring murmuring noises. The Handholder, like most Snags, is primarily committed to forging a meaningful connection with a woman and her genitals, and to this end he will employ every tool he has at his disposal. These tools include:

• The ability to appear sympathetic 
  
• ? 
  

With such a limited arsenal at his disposal, the Neo-Handholder spends most of his waking hours deploying it, and will tend towards early nights to ensure he gets enough sleep (the claim that Handholders sleep upside down, hanging from the ceiling, has been determined to be an urban myth). This allows him to be fresh the next day when he meets his gal-pal for brunch, nods at her, and listens to her tales of woe. Listening is a very important part of the Handholder lifestyle: ‘I’m an excellent listener’ he will often earnestly tell people, apparently expecting some kind of prize for this.

The listening, the nodding, the sympathetic glances and soothing arm-pats are of course all done with a specific aim in mind, and it is one of nature’s great tragedies that this aim is almost never achieved. Indeed, it seems grossly unfair that the Neo-Handholder’s unquenchable desire for intimate female companionship is coupled with a complete inability to realise that none of the women he knows will ever sleep with him as long as he lives. He is doomed to a life sitting fully clothed in cafés with women, listening to their stories about how they’ve been mistreated by much more attractive men.

Some of those men might be
Metrosexuals
. The Metrosexual (Blokus Moisturisi) is the most naturally aggressive and egotistical variety of Snag, whose efforts to attract the opposite sex are of a much more proactive and physical nature than those of the Neo-Handholder, not to mention generally more successful. While the Handholder takes the ultimately doomed approach of seducing women by being their platonic friend, the Metrosexual is born with an innate belief that the best way to lure a member of the opposite sex into a horizontal position is via an intensive skin-care regimen coupled with a total lack of body hair. It is uncertain how this came about; one theory has it that Metrosexuals originated in an era when, for unknown reasons, the most sexually attractive members of society were twelve-year-olds. Another postulates that Metrosexuals are amphibious, and their lack of body hair and attention to moisturising results from their semi-aquatic lifestyle.

Whatever the explanation, the upshot is that the Metrosexual is the most well-groomed and stylish of Blokes, always at the cutting edge of fashion and with beautifully sculpted hair. The Metrosexual is not such a good listener, and quickly becomes impatient with conversation, but is capable of forming strong emotional bonds with women by comparing notes on personal care products and shoes. In the event that this fails, however, the Metrosexual has evolved a useful fail-safe: when rejected by a woman, he is capable of forming a strong emotional bond with himself; indeed, the intimate relationship between a Metrosexual and himself is one of the most touching and beautiful to be found in the natural world – almost as powerful as the relationship between an Exhauster and his car. It also makes Metrosexuals among the most cheerful and self-confident of Snags, unburdened as they are by the pain of romantic failure.

Similarly unburdened, though for different reasons, is the
Outrageous Deluxe
, a most unique Bloke who, unlike your typical Snag, won’t pursue women for sexual pleasure, but rather other Blokes. Most other Blokes find this both fascinating and baffling, and will treat the Deluxe with caution, keeping their distance and fidgeting uncomfortably in his presence, until enough drinks have been consumed that the Bloke will feel comfortable dancing with him, and, in many cases, admitting he’d quite like to kiss him on the mouth. The mating rituals of the Deluxe are a mystery, at least to other Blokes, who will frequently muse on the mechanics of these rituals until the point where the musings get slightly too specific and the Bloke begins to feel funny. All that is known is that the Deluxe’s mating habits revolve heavily around innuendo. They also usually involve humorous uses of the word ‘innuendo’.

However, it is important not to define the Outrageous Deluxe purely by his sexual proclivities. He is a fully rounded Bloke, and any serious student of Blokedom will recognise that he has many facets to his identity. For example, there is the fact that the Deluxe is OUTRAGEOUS. This is not simply due to his upending of sexual norms and love of shiny pants, but also because the Deluxe will always try to challenge existing social structures in a loud, shrill manner. They are social creatures and are frequently found mingling with other, non-Deluxe Blokes; sometimes these Blokes are Snags, but more often they are not, since the Deluxe prefers to shock his companions rather than be sensitively understood by them. The Deluxe especially loves hanging out with Bogans and Bloke’s Blokes, and ‘pushing their buttons’ through OUTRAGEOUS behaviour. This may take the form of a risqué T-shirt, an impromptu public dance routine, or vitriolic comments on the appropriateness of a passerby’s clothing when compared to their total mass. There are a variety of ways in which the Deluxe subverts the dominant paradigm, all of them OUTRAGEOUS and most of them brightly coloured.