Rogue Cowboy (17 page)

“Nervous?”  Jeremy asks.

“Yes.  But, I’m also excited.”

“Me, too, honey.”  He grips my hand, giving me a squeeze.

“I hope it works.”

It’s been three months since the first time we visited the Darwin Medical Institute’s IVF clinic.  At our first appointment, we met our fertility specialist for the first time.  Doctor Jacoby explained the IVF process and went through my prior medical records and treatment files that Dr Harolds had faxed over.

Then, four weeks after that, we had another appointment with Dr Jacoby to confirm our treatment plan and sign the consent forms.  We also had a chance to ask any questions we’d thought of since our first appointment. 

Today, our treatment begins. We haven’t told a soul.

“Ava Henley,” the doctor calls.

We stand up and make our way into her office.

“How are you both today?”

“Good thanks.”  We both answer, speaking at the same time.  It breaks the nervous energy in the room as we laugh.

“Excellent.  Okay, let’s go through your medication plan and your timeline chart.”  She explains everything in great detail and then hands me a little pen-like device that I will need to inject, stimulating my ovaries to produce more eggs.

After the appointment is over, we leave, again feeling hopeful.

Trying to get pregnant is like a damn rollercoaster ride.  I only hope it works the first time, because I don’t know how much longer I can stay on this ride.

***

Oscar is staying with Jeremy’s parents while we stay at a motel in Darwin for a few days.  This morning, I had a needle injected into me to trigger ovulation.  Tomorrow at lunchtime, I have day surgery to extract my eggs.

Jeremy’s gone out to get us some dinner, so I decide to climb into the shower before he returns.  There, standing under the warm spray, everything catches up with me and I burst into tears.

I have been hopeful.  I have been angry. I’ve been hopeful again.  I’ve been sad.  I’ve been angry, excited, depressed, hollow, empty, and hopeful once again.  Now, I just feel numb.  I’m emotionally exhausted and physically drained.

My knees hit the floor and I sob uncontrollably.  It’s a pity party, I know it is, and crying about it won’t change anything.  But that doesn’t mean I can stop it.

Jeremy finds me there and scoops me into his arms.  He carries me into the bedroom and sits me down on the edge of the bed gently.

“Why me?” I cry.  “I’d be a good mum.”

“You
are
a good mum,” he reminds me.

“You just don’t fucking get it.  You don’t understand, because it’s not
your
body that’s failing you.  You’ve already had a child, so it doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me.”  I know my words are bullshit.  I
know
it, and I hate myself for spewing them, but I can’t help it.  I can’t help it.  I just want the hurt to stop.

“That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it, Ava. 
You
don’t know what it feels like to be a man, standing by, watching the woman he loves suffer and there’s nothing you can do about it.  I’m here, right fucking here, feeling as fucking helpless as you do.  So don’t you fucking dare say I don’t understand,” he snaps, raging at me. 

I totally deserved it, I know that.

“It just fucking hurts,” I scream, needing the cathartic release it brings.  “And I know that it’s all my fault.  I’ve got no one to blame but myself.  I need someone to blame.”  I’m crying so hard my words are probably making no sense to him.

“I know, honey.”  He tugs me into his arms and holds me tight.  His biceps bulge and I train my eyes on them, tracing the definition through the blur of my tears.

“I know it hurts, but the only way we’re going to get through it, is together.  Do you understand me, Ava? 
Together
.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean anything I said.  I—”  He cuts me off with a finger to my lips.

“Don’t apologise.  I’ll be your punching bag anytime you want, honey.  But don’t say I don’t understand.  I do.”

I nod.  Shame floods my system.

“I hate that I hate every pregnant woman I see.  I don’t want to be that person, but I can’t help it,” I confide.

“I think that’s pretty normal, darlin’.”  He comforts me, holding me close, for what seems like hours, until the sobs eventually disappear from my body.  My eyes are puffy and all of a sudden I feel bone tired.

He walks me over to the side of the bed and pulls the covers down.  “Climb in, Ava.”

I slide in and he comes in behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle and pinning me to the bed with his leg.

“I love you, Jeremy.  So,
so
much.”

His arm tightens around me and his lips brush over my ear.  “Love you, too, honey.”

Just as I’m drifting off to sleep, he starts to sing a love song softly.  I try to stay away to concentrate on the lyrics, but the darkness wins and I fall into a deep slumber.

***

I’m lying on the bed, ready to go under for the egg harvest.  My heart is pounding in my chest and I’m scared.  I’ve never been under general anaesthetic before and it’s petrifying. 

What if I don’t wake up?

What if something goes wrong?

What if it doesn’t work?

This morning when we arrived, Jeremy had to provide a sperm sample and then I was prepped and brought in here. 

“Okay, Ava, ready?” the anaesthetist asks, a kind smile on his face.

I nod, my throat too constricted with fear to speak.

“Okay.  Just count back from ten for me.”

“Ten…nine…eight…seven...”

“Hello, Ava.  Welcome back.”  My eyes slowly, groggily open and focus in on the kind looking nurse leaning over my bed.

“Hey,” I manage, my mouth feeling like it’s full of cotton balls.

“Drink?” 

“Yes, please.”  She brings over a cup of water and guides the straw to my mouth. 

“There you are.  Everything went really well.  The doctor will be by to talk to you shortly, and once you’re feeling well enough, you can go home.”

“My husband?”

“I’ll send him in.”

She leaves and a moment later, Jeremy walks in.  Concern mars his handsome face and his brow wrinkles in worry.

“Hey.”  I smile, trying to ease his anxiety.

“Hey, honey.  How are you feeling?”  He comes over to me and leans down to kiss my forehead.

“Groggy.  But, not in any pain, so I guess that’s good.”

“Good.”  He breathes out a sigh of relief and kisses me again, this time on the mouth.  The kiss is deep and full of love. His mouth moves over mine in a slow and gently rhythm, his hands cup my jaw, holding me steady.

The doctor clearing his throat has Jeremy slowing the kiss down and slowly pulling back.

“I love you, Ava.”  He touches his lips to mine once again, tenderly and quick, before straightening and turning to greet the doctor.

“Afternoon, doc.”

“I see you’re feeling well, Mrs Henley,” he chuckles.

“I am.”

“It’s refreshing to see.  This process is often a long and complicated one, which can put a lot of strain on a marriage.  I’m glad the two of you have managed to keep a focus on the most important thing – your love.”

His words hit me deep, especially after my breakdown last night.

“Now, let’s have a chat about the surgery, shall we?”

“Yes, please.”  I’m nervous and excited to hear what he has to say.  I’m hopeful they could harvest a lot of eggs, but I also know it only takes
one
egg to make a baby, so I pray they could get at least one.

“The surgery was very successful, Ava, and we were able to harvest a good amount of eggs.  This afternoon, we’ll fertilise them with Jeremy’s sperm and then we’ll give you a call tomorrow to let you know how many embryos developed.”

The air leaves my lungs in a rush.  “Thank you so much.  For everything,” I implore.

“You’re most welcome.  Once you’re up to it, you’re free to leave.  We’ll speak with you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, doc.  We really appreciate it.”  Jeremy shakes the doctor’s hand.

“My pleasure.”

I guess the only thing now we can do is wait. 

I wake up early, before the sun rises, and can’t get back to sleep.  I slide myself from Jeremy’s hold and decide to do a bit of tidying up to try and get my mind off the phone call we’re expecting today. 

Vacuuming and mopping the floors does nothing to distract me, so I tug on my boots and jeans and decide to go for a ride on my horse.

I saddle up my boy, Sampson, and climb on.  The sun peeks up over the hills in the distance and his buckskin coat shines with the light. 

“Giddy up,” I murmur, tapping him lightly on the ribs with my heels, while clicking my tongue.

He transitions into a smooth canter and we fly through the grass.  Suddenly, everything is forgotten, except the way the wind feels in my hair and the way my body moves as one with Sampson’s.

“Whoa, boy,” I tell him, bringing him to a stop at the edge of a cliff.  I look out across the landscape, feeling peaceful and relaxed.

Yes, this is exactly what I needed.  Horse riding is good for the soul.  I don’t think there’s anything better!

“Ready to go back now, Sampson?”

He snorts and I take that as a yes, even though he probably means no!  I nudge his reins and we slowly make our way back to the house.

“You been for a ride?” Jeremy asks as I toe off my boots inside the door.

I nod.  “Needed to clear my head.”  I wrap my arms around his waist and he kisses the top of my head.  “Morning.”

“Mornin’, honey.  Made you some breakfast.  Oscar’s just getting dressed for school.”

He hands me a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon and I pour a glass of juice.

Oscar joins us and we all sit at the dining table, eating, while Oscar fills us in on what is happening at school today.

“Oscar gets to play with Jimmy again.  Jimmy is good at adding numbers, just like Oscar,” he boasts.

“Awesome, buddy. Eat up and then go brush your teeth.  You’ll miss the bus, otherwise,” I tell him.

Jeremy’s at work when I return from taking Oscar to the bus stop.  Unfortunately, the doctor didn’t give us a time he would be calling.  Rather than wait by the phone with baited breath all day, I decide to bake.

The chocolate chip cookies, Anzac biscuits and a double sponge cake filled with whipped cream and strawberry jam I made are sitting on the bench, and I’m just about to score the caramel slice before I put it in the fridge when the phone rings.

My heart jumps through my chest as I pick the receiver up and bring it to my ear.

“Hello, Ava Henley speaking.”

“Good afternoon, Ava.  This is Doctor Jacoby from the Darwin Medical Institute.”

“Hi, Doctor Jacoby, how are you?”

“Well, thank you, Ava.  And you?  Feeling okay after your surgery?”

“Yes, I feel fantastic.”

“Excellent.  Now, I’m sure you’re anxious to hear about the results of yesterday harvest.”

I laugh nervously and she continues.  “From the eggs we collected from you yesterday, four of them fertilized with Jeremy’s sperm.”

“Okay, that’s good, right?”

“Absolutely,” she assures me.  “Our next step is to get you back here to complete the embryo transfer.  I’d like to do that on Tuesday, if you’re available.”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Good.  It’s just a day surgery, and the embryo will be transferred into your uterus using a fine catheter.  It’s a lot like having a pap smear.”

“We’ll see you Tuesday then.”

“Absolutely.  Looking forward to it, Ava.”

I hang up the phone and sit down on my lounge.  Four embryos. 
Four.
  Four successfully fertilised eggs. 

Four chances.

Unable to contain my excitement, I jump in my car and drive down to the hangars to find Jeremy.

***

We spend the weekend taking Oscar swimming at the billabong.  Jackson, Edie, Jules, Clay and the kids all join us for the day and we have a barbeque dinner while the kids play. 

I feel the lightest I have in a long time.

I can’t wait until Tuesday.

“Did you hear there’s going to be a beauty salon opened in town?” Edie says.

“Get out!  That will be amazing.  Who’s doing it?” Jules asks.

“A new girl to town apparently.  I haven’t heard anything concrete, but there’s been some whispers over the last few weeks.”

“Wonder if she’ll offer massages.  I’d love one,” I muse.

“I need a pedicure, and I’m sick of going in to Darwin to get one,” Edie adds.

“Any idea of when it will be open,” I ask, hoping it happens soon.

Edie shakes her head and pops a cube of cheese into her mouth.

“Nope, but I’ll let you know if I hear any more.”

I expect the days to drag on, but Tuesday morning rolls around fast.  After getting Oscar off to school, once again, we make the two hour drive to Darwin.

After removing my pants, I place the sheet provided over my lower half and wait for Doctor Jacoby to return.

“Ready?”

“Yes,” I reply.  Jeremy grips my hand and stands near my head.

“Today, we’re transferring two of your four fertilized embryos into your uterus.  This is the catheter we’ll use, and as you can see it’s very small.  The other two fertilized embryos will be frozen for you to use in the future, if you so decide.”

The transfer doesn’t hurt at all, and before we know it, Doctor Jacoby is tossing her gloves in the trash and asking me to put my pants back on.

“We’ll see you back here in two weeks for your bloods to see if the transfer was successful.”

“Thank you, again, doctor.”

“My pleasure, Ava.”

She sees us out and we make our way home, eager for the next two weeks to pass.

***

“Should we tell your parents tonight?” Jeremy asks on the way over to my mum and dad’s house.

“If you want to, we can,” I reply hesitantly.

“Do
you
want to?”

“No.”  To be honest, I just want to keep it between us because I don’t want them getting their hopes up.  If the IVF fails, they’ll be disappointed, which will make me even more upset.  I don’t need the added stress.

“Then we’ll keep it just between us.”

“Are you sure?” I ask hopefully.

“Absolutely, honey.”  He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze before bringing it to his lips and placing a kiss on my knuckles.

“Happy birthday, Daddy.”  I grin, hugging my dad and kissing his cheek.

“Thanks, Ava.”

“Poppy!” Oscar shouts, colliding with his legs.  “Oscar got Poppy a present.  It’s a ‘lectric shaber”

“Oscar, you’re not supposed to tell Poppy what it is.  He has to unwrap it.”

“Oops.  Oscar sorry.”

Dad scruffs up his head.  “Don’t worry, mate.  Why don’t you help me rip this paper off, eh?”

“Yes!” he hisses. 

“What a beauty.  This electric shaver is just what I wanted,” Dad tells Oscar.  I watch as his eyes go bright and pride sweeps across his face.

“He always wanted it, Mum,” Oscar repeats proudly.

“You did good, buddy.”  Even though I picked it out, I won’t rain on his parade. 

“Come one, let’s go inside.  I think Nanny’s got chocolate cake,” Dad says, taking Oscar’s hand and leading him inside.

“Hi, Mum.”

“Hi, darling.”

“Need some help?”  I ask, watching Jeremy’s back disappear into the lounge room with Dad and Oscar.

“Sure.  Can you strain those beans into a dish, and grab the roast potatoes from the oven?”

I set about doing the tasks while Mum plates the meat and pours the gravy into a gravy boat.

“Why don’t we eat on the back porch?  It’s lovely out there this time of day.”

“Sounds good to me,” I reply, picking up some dishes to take out.  Sitting the dishes down on the table, I look around and smile.  I love this house.

“Boys!  Dinner is ready,” Mum shouts.  Five seconds later, the men and Oscar appear.  Taking our seats, we all dig in.

“What do you lot have planned this week?”  Mum asks conversationally.

“Not a lot.  We’ve got to head over to Darwin tomorrow.  Would you be able to have Oscar for the day, since it’s school break now?”

“Of course.  We’d love to have him.  He can go and do some jobs with your father.”

“Thanks, Mum.  When do you guys go away again?”  Mum and Dad have been going on trips around Australia for a few months every year.  Jeremy’s parents do it as well, so sometimes they meet up and other times they travel alone.

“In two months’ time.  I think we’ll go down to southern New South Wales next.  We’d like to drive along the coast before following it up into Queensland and home again.”

“Sounds fun.”

After we finish dinner, Mum brings out the cake, much to Oscar’s delight.  Of course, he helps my dad blow out the candles and makes his wish for him.  After cake, we take Oscar home and tuck him into bed.

“I’m going to have a shower, babe,” I say to Jeremy as he passes the bedroom door with the phone to his ear.

“Gotcha,” he replies, before turning his attention to the phone call.  “Hey, Jack,” I hear him say before I walk into the bathroom.

Climbing into the lukewarm water, I sigh, revelling in the way it cools my skin.  I wash off the heat and humidity of the day and then quickly wash my hair.

I’m standing under the stream to rinse the conditioner, when Jeremy’s hands slide around my middle and he steps in behind me, pressing his naked body into mine.  His erection pushes into my lower back and I lean into him.  His hands come up to cup my breasts and he tweaks my nipples.

“Mmm,” I moan, loving the pleasure he brings me.

With one hand still working my nipple, his other one drifts south to my belly button.  He pauses to splay his hand over my lower stomach, before dipping further down to brush over my sex.

My belly clenches, as my blood heats.

He slides two fingers inside me while his thumb circles my clit.

“Fucking love your pussy, honey.  So wet.  So fucking warm.  My cock loves its heat.”

“Jeremy.”  My breath hitches as he rubs my clit harder.

“Come for me, baby.  Come all over my fingers, because when you do, I’m going to sink my cock deep, deep inside you,” he growls into my ear, tugging my nipple while his fingers fuck me harder and faster.

My inner walls clamp down on his digits and I grip his wrist to slow his movements as my orgasm overwhelms me.

“Put your hands on the wall, Ava” he orders.

My palms immediately flatten against the glass.  He guides my hips back, effectively tilting my arse into the air.  He drags his cock through the moisture between my legs, coating his shaft in my arousal.  Then his hands go to my hips and he holds me firmly before plunging his cock into my pussy in one swift thrust.  My head falls back and I moan, low and drawn out.

“God, yes,” I cry out.

“Goddammit, I love your pussy.  Fits me like a glove.  Nice and tight, and fucking hot.”

“Jeremy,” I say urgently, the fire burning deep in my stomach begins to rage out of control.  “I’m coming,” I whisper.

“Squeeze my dick, honey.”  He reaches around and simultaneously pinches my clit and my nipple, almost to the point of pain.  My orgasm rips through my body and I moan loudly, as my body jerks around his cock.

His thrusts lose rhythm and then he stills, coming inside me on a guttural groan.

He peppers kisses over my back and shoulders, and then withdraws his cock, causing a whimper to escape my lips. 

After we finish washing each other, we climb into bed, feeling utterly sated. 

Tomorrow is a big day.