Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (19 page)

This is what happens when Yitzhak decides to do a barbecue: His wife Hannah goes to the store to buy the food.

Hannah makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

Hannah prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to Yitzhak who is lounging beside the grill.

Yitzhak places the meat on the grill.

Hannah goes inside and sets the table and checks the vegetables.

Hannah comes out to tell Yitzhak that the meat is burning.

Yitzhak takes the meat off the grill and hands it to Hannah.

Hannah prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

After eating, Hannah clears the table and does the dishes.

Yitzhak asks Hannah how she enjoyed her “night off.” Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter. Moshe commented upon on what a wise people the Chinese are.

“Yes,” replied the waiter, “we’re wise because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?”

Moshe replied, “Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old.”

The waiter was surprised to hear this. “That can’t be true,” he replied,

“Where did your people eat for a thousand years?”

A German comes to New York and stays with Maurice and his family. The first morning they all have breakfast together and eat bagels. The German exclaims “Wow, we don’t have bagels like this in Germany.”

To which Maurice stands up and yells “And whose fault is that?”

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”

The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”

The Scot says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.”

The Swede says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.”

The Japanese says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have sake.”

The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”

The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”

The Greek says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.”

The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Sadie says to her husband, “Moshe, I’m fed up with frozen chickens. Please buy me a live chicken for a change. Then, when you bring it home, I’ll get the rabbi to kosher it. Then I can make for us a lovely meal.”

So Moshe goes to the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that
Funny Girl
is showing at the movies. So he calls Sadie on his cell. “Sadie,” he says, “They’re showing
Funny Girl
at the movies. I think I’ll see it before I come home. I missed it first time round and this is a new digitally enhanced release.”

“OK,” replies Sadie, “but what about the chicken?”

“I’ll take it inside with me,” Moshe answers.

So he stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film. Unfortunately, during the film, the chicken pokes its head out of Moshe’s trousers. Two women are sitting next to Moshe and one turns to the other and whispers, “There’s a man next to me with his
shmuck
sticking out of his trousers.”

Her friend says, “Why be shocked? If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“But this one’s different. It’s eating my popcorn.”

It’s a lovely hot, sunny morning in the forest where the bear family Levine live. There was mommy bear Rifka, daddy bear Shlomo and baby bear Benny. Benny bear goes downstairs for breakfast and as usual sits down in his small chair at the end of the table. He looks at his small plate and guess what? It’s empty. “Who’s been eating my bagel?” he squeaks.

Shlomo bear then makes an appearance and sits in his big chair. He looks at his big plate and guess what? It too is empty. “Who’s been eating my bagels?” he roars.

On hearing all this complaining, Rifka bear puts her head through the serving hatch and shouts at Shlomo and Benny. “How many times do we have to go through this? It was mommy bear who got up first. It was mommy bear who woke up everybody else in the house. It was mommy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was mommy bear who set the breakfast table, who filled the cat’s milk and food dishes, and who cleaned the litter box and took the dog for a walk. And now that you two have finally decided to get out of bed and grace me with your presence, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this one more time—I haven’t made the damn bagels yet!”

Hymie is walking along Forest Avenue carrying a large, heavy watermelon when he sees his friend Abe coming toward him.

“Hi Abe,” says Hymie. “Nu? How are you?”

“Oy Vay”
says Abe, throwing his arms up in the air, “Don’t ask! But tell me, how are you?”

“Me?” says Hymie, “You ask how I am? You want I drop my watermelon?”

Simon is a lovely five-year-old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much
naches.
Their only worry is the fact that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope. One day, at breakfast, Hannah realizes that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start the day with such bitter-tasting food.”

“Simon,
bubbeleh,
you spoke,” cries Hannah, “you’ve just said your very first words.”

“Mazeltov,
son,” says Maurice.

Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already quite articulate.”

“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food has always been excellent.”

Jewish personal adverts—part 1:

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend
shul,
light Shabbes candles, celebrate holidays, build
succah
together, attend
brisses,
Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with
flayshig
dishes only. Seeking woman with nice
milchig
set. Objective: macaroni.
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70 + for
kvetching
and
kvelling.
Under 30 is also OK.
Conservative rabbi, 45. I count women for the
minyan
and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make
aliyah.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B’Teves, Shivah Asar B’Tammuz (these are all fast days). Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane.

Shul gabbai,
36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house.

Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.

Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

The following signs have been spotted:

Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Levy, at your cervix.”

On Yitzhak the plumber’s truck: “I repair what your husband fixed.”

Also on Yitzhak the plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call me.”

On Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Seven days without pizza makes one weak.”

Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Buy my pizza. I knead the dough.”

In Moshe the plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can I pick your nose?"

On Hyman the electrician’s truck: “Let me remove your shorts.”

On a maternity-room door at a Jewish hospital: “Push. Push. Push.”

At Benny the optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In Abe the podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

In Shlomo the veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In Issy’s restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

On Benjy’s radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home: “Drive carefully. I’ll wait.”

Avrahom and Becky were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn’t figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP

“If only our son, the graduate, was here, he’d know,” sighed Becky, as she kissed Avrahom good-bye as he left for work.

She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop.

“Darling, I’ve figured it out,” she said, “RSVP means Remember, Send Vedding Present.”

Bernie died and his wife, Sarah, phoned the
Jewish Chronicle
to place an obituary. Sarah said to them, “This is what I want you to print: Bernie is dead.”

The
JC
man said, “But for $25, you are allowed to print six words.”

Sarah answered, “OK, then print: Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale.”

There was an ad in the
Jewish Examiner
that read: “Wife wanted. Please reply to Box Number 123.” Five thousand replies were received, all saying: “You can have mine.”

Other adverts that have been spotted include:

“
F
or sale by owner: complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes, excellent condition, $500 or nearest offer. No longer needed—just got married. Wife knows everything.”

“Mr. & Mrs. Moshe Levy are pleased to announce the birth of their beloved son, Doctor David Levy.”

Here are some announcements that have appeared in synagogue newsletters:

Join us for our celebration after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 8 p.m. at the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the birth of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Shlomo Bloom.

The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the celebrations hosted by WIZO, the Women’s International Zionist Organization. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

Our rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fundraising campaign slogan last week “I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.

Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be given to his secretary.

Mrs. Himmelfarb will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Ladies Guild have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.

A Jewish telegram:

“Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

Many years ago, when Moshe was a young boy, he found a
mezuzah
on the wall of a deserted house near his street. As there was still time before he had to get home for his tea, he pulled it off the wall and opened it. Inside, he found a piece of old paper on which was written the words that he would never forget: “Please help me. I’m being held prisoner in a
mezuzah
factory.”