OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3) (9 page)

I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrow, waiting for him to speak. It seemed there was a message in that conversation for me, but I didn’t dare hope to read into it.

He set his suitcase down by his feet, mirroring my stance. “What the hell are you planning?”

“What are
you
planning? You’re the one that just had a mysterious phone call about problems and meetings.” I replayed the conversation in my head, a realization slapping me in my face. “You just freed up your night for something.” I flicked my eyes to his suitcase. “And it obviously isn’t me. So go. Don’t worry about what I do.” Drained of emotion, I couldn’t stand to continue this pointless argument that wasn’t getting us anywhere. I turned and walked away, out of the room.

He followed and caught me in the hallway, spinning me by my elbow to face him. “I am worried about what you’re doing, about what you’re planning. I canceled my plans tonight because you’re going crazy, and I don’t want you getting yourself in trouble.”

“So what? You’re going to stay here and babysit me? Fuck you.” And all of a sudden I knew how I could get my answers. “I’m leaving.”

He gripped my other arm, tightening his hold on me.

“Let me go.”

“Not till you tell me where you’re going.”

“To the club. I’m going to that club, and if Ian won’t fill me in, I’ll find Alessandra. And if she doesn’t give me answers, I’ll find Viktor. And I’ll keep going till I know exactly what you’ve been doing and what’s changed.”

“For fuck’s sake, Regan. Do you not get that’s exactly what I’m trying to keep you out of? You don’t belong in this mess. Stay away. I’m giving you a way out.” He was shaking me, a current of panic running under his actions and words.

“I don’t want a way out.” I stiffened in his grip, straining my muscles to stay still. “I want in. I want in your world. I can’t stand being on the outside, away from you.”

He released me, hands hovering in the air for a moment. Then they ran through his hair, ending their path at the back of his neck. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t let you do that.”

I stared at him, unflinching and determined. I wasn’t taking back a single word. “Then tell me, what am I saying?”

“Fuck.” He closed his eyes, breathing through some emotion. “I want you with me too. I don’t want you anywhere else. But I can’t be that selfish.”

He stepped close, eyes piercing mine sharp and dangerous as he backed me up to the wall. “Babe, what I do, what I’m involved in…” He shook his head, eyes softening as he looked down on me, and his hands grazed my shoulders. “It’s not for you. I can handle it myself, but I can’t handle you in it. I can’t handle you taking the risks or getting hurt.”

I hated what he was saying, but I closed my eyes, relaxing with his touch and let the care in the words, the warmth in his voice, wash over me.

“As much as I want you, I want you to have the life you deserve more.” But his hands contradicted his words. They moved over me slowly, a soothing path of heat traveling over my shoulders to my neck as he cupped my head, lips inching towards mine. “But fuck if I can let you go, when you’re fighting to stay.”

Our lips melded and I wrapped my arms around him, keeping him pressed to me, not wanting to let him go. He dipped lower, mouth dragging to my chin and neck, fueled by an intense desperation. But my heart still laid in pieces around us, and I couldn’t ignore the emptiness where it once was. I didn’t want to fill it with an illusion.

“Stop.” I turned away from his heated kisses but kept my hands around him, gripping him close. It took a moment for his eyes to clear of lust. Then pain seemed to be the only thing left in them. “What are you saying?” I searched his face; he was just as lost as me. “Don’t kiss me, if you’re saying goodbye.”

He sighed, dropping his forehead to mine. “Hell, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m sorry. It’s just…” his voice croaked as he pulled back to look at me, tears pooling in his eyes. “You’re so damn stubborn it scares the shit out of me.” He brushed my hair behind my ear with the tips of his fingers as a tear trailed down his cheek. “You are my life, my heart. I love you. I’ve tried to keep you with me by only showing you the parts of me that were worthy of you. But those parts are getting smaller every day, and I feel you slipping. I see you breaking. And I know it’s my fault.” He sucked in air, blinking back tears already leaking from his eyes. “I don’t want you to know this side of me because if I let you in, there’s no out, and I couldn’t live if something happened to you.” He pulled me into his arms, lips brushing my ear as he breathed me in. “Don’t ask me to do this.”

If
…A small flame of hope flickered in me, melting the ice in my core.

“Don’t ask me to go away. I can’t. I don’t want to be without you.” I gripped his silky hair, pulling his head back to meet my eyes. “I’m only me because of you. But you don’t get to decide what’s best for me—I do that. And I’m willing to risk it all to be with you, but it has to be all of you. No secrets.”

He collapsed into me with a strangled cry, head pressed into the crook of my neck and shoulder, arms around my waist. “I don’t deserve you. If I wasn’t already doomed to hell, I would be for taking this.”

There was no humor in his words, and they subdued the relief I felt. The cold crept back in as he pulled away, locking eyes with me.

“I’m going to give you one more chance to back out, Regan. I’ve got to admit something before you decide. And then, once you know, if you still want this, then I’ll tell you everything.” He lifted his hand, silencing my response. “Hear me out first. This will make a difference.” He pulled back from me, breaking all contact and cracking the surety that I had felt in my decision. “Let’s go sit.”

He handed me a glass of tea, drinking deeply from his water as he sat on the chair diagonal where I was on the couch.

“Tell me.” Nerves pricked my skin, a thousand ants crawling over me.

He dropped his head to his hands with a groan. “I didn’t want you to know. I don’t know how to say it.”

I held my breath. My mind jumping to the only thing I could imagine making a difference, if he had someone else.

He looked up at me. “I’ve always loved the way you see me. It’s the only time I feel like I’m not a complete fuck up. But…” He opened his hands, looking at the space between them like something was there, something that could crush us.

“Just say it,” I demanded with much more assurance than I felt.

“I’m not the person you think I am. I’m sorry.”

Holding my breath, I braced for the blow that his next words were sure to deliver.

“I’m a murderer.”

THE WORDS BARELY MADE AN IMPACT. I waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. The silence stretched for a moment before I broke it.

“That’s it?” I asked tentatively.

His eyes shot to me. “Did you hear me?”

I finally released the breath I was holding. Weighted tension escaped with it, bubbling out in light laughter, leaving me floating. I covered my mouth with the palm of my hand, but it was too late, Gage heard.

He sunk back into the oversized cushion behind him, watching me come undone with wrinkled brows and narrowed eyes.

“I heard you.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hand pressed to my chest to steady myself. My heart was fluttering, growing wings about to fly away. The sudden change in emotions made me dizzy and on the verge of tears. It was a strange relief flooding me. I opened my eyes, meeting his gaze. “I thought you were going to say you cheated on me, that there was someone else.” I leaned forward to reach him, touch him. The look that flashed on his face, like a warning, stopped me. “There’s not is there?”

“No. There’s not,” he barked out, running his hand over his head, gripping the back of his neck with frustration. “This is worse. I don’t think you’re listening to what I said. I’ve killed people, Regan. And I’ll have to do it again.”

I nodded, pressing my lips together as I absorbed his words. I knew it wasn’t a normal reaction, but I was relieved and sure. “We’ve both had to do things we wish we could take back. And I’m not saying this isn’t a big deal, but it’s not going to push me away. Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I…” He leaned forward in his seat, forearms on his knees, and shook his head. “I don’t think you understand. This isn’t like before, it’s not self-defense. They’ve made me an enforcer. You need to think about this. Before you say you want in, you need to really think about it.” He stopped himself from reaching for me, pain filling his gaze as he pleaded, “I don’t want you waking up tomorrow hating me for trapping you in this.”

The worry crushing him, weighing on his shoulders, anchored me back into my body. The tears filling his eyes tore at my heart. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t absorb his words, but I moved out of my seat to his large sofa chair, wanting only to ease his pain and reassure him.

I crawled next to him, and he shifted back, giving me room or trying to escape, I don’t know, but I kept moving. There was enough room on the cushion for me to sit beside him with my knees curled under me. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my head to his chest, his typical slow and strong heartbeat was racing.

“I could never hate you. No matter what. It’s my choice and I choose this. I choose you.”

His arms crept around me as I spoke, slowly surrounding me. When I finished, he tightened his hold and his head dropped to the top of my hair, chest rising and falling with a heavy sigh.

“I love you. I don’t come close to deserving you. Fuck if this doesn’t prove it. But…”

His warm breath fanned over me, heating me from scalp to toes, and I gripped him tighter, silently willing him to give in and choose me, to let me in. He ran his hands down my spine, sending a current through me, to my limbs. When they glided back up, he cupped my head and pulled me off his chest to look at him.

“This is the last time I’m going to ask. Are you sure you want to know, when knowing puts you in danger and you won’t like what you hear?”

“Yes—”

“Shh. Wait,” His eyes were cloudy with emotion, a storm of hurt and guilt that threatened to destroy me. “You didn’t sign up for this when we got married. You could leave now. I’d give you everything we had, every last dime. You’d have enough to live wherever you wanted, and you’d be safe to live your life.”

“Shut up” I pulled away to stare down at him with determination. “Stop talking. Stop acting like I can’t make this decision, that I don’t know exactly what I’m getting myself into. I do. I’ve been through enough to know, and you know that.”

He reached for my hand, but I pulled my arm back. It shook as I held it up, vibrating with the force of my emotion.

“So stop now. Stop telling me to leave. Trust that I know what I’m doing. I want you. I love you. I chose us when you were with Rusnak, and I’m choosing us now, too. But I shouldn’t have to beg to stay with you. So either tell me you want this too or I will leave. Because I do want this, but only if you’re going to talk and include me. I can handle whatever you’ve done, but I can’t handle not knowing, not being included in your life. So you decide now because I made it clear where I stand.”

He was frozen, staring at me, and then he slowly nodded his head. “All right.” Speaking broke the trance he was in, and suddenly his arms hooked around my waist, pulling me back to him. “I want you. I want us. I’m sorry for pushing you away, for hurting you.” He brought one hand up to my face and slid the hair back off my cheek with a light touch. “It’s all or nothing, and I want all of you, but I can’t have that without giving you all of me. I’m only scared that it’s too much, that I’ve done too much.”

Hesitation was creeping back in, his voice slowing, eyes searching mine. So I closed the space between us, bringing my lips to his. The kiss was slow and gentle, soft lips moving together like a caress, meant to comfort and relieve.

He didn’t push the kiss, but like a tide rising, it escalated, moment by steady moment. His arms wrapped around me, lifting me onto his lap, and his tongue slid across my lips. When I slid mine into his mouth, he pushed me back into the couch with his body as his hands moved up my waist to my ribs.

I ran my hands under his shirt, feeling the smooth muscles, tracing the lines of him with the tips of my fingers, familiar yet exciting. Breaking the kiss, I moved my lips to his jaw, tasting down his neck with a small moan as his hands cupped my breasts.

He pulled his hands from me as he inched away. None of him touched me, but he hovered close enough that I was still surrounded in his heat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it this far, but I have missed you. I missed this.” He dropped his head, pulling at the ends of my shirt to cover my exposed stomach. “But we should talk.”

I slid my hands around his neck, keeping him from pulling away. “Promise me we’ll talk, after. But right now, I think we need this. We need to be connected, to remember what’s good about us.” I couldn’t handle seeing him so broken. The constant tears in his eyes tonight were too much. I needed to feel his strength, to let him take mine if need be. I wanted him sure in us before he spoke because his doubt in our ability to make it was what scared me the most in all this. He was always the one that fought for us. I needed that back. I wanted him back.

He sucked in air between his teeth, eyes drinking me in as I pulled my shirt over my head, tossing it to the floor.

“I promise, I’ll tell you everything.” He dropped his body to mine, lips colliding and weight pressing me to the chair. Then he lifted me up, guiding my legs around his waist as he rose to standing, kissing me like I wanted him to, like I was his oxygen. He didn’t break the kiss as he walked us back to the bedroom, all hesitation gone from his movements.

In this moment, he knew exactly what he wanted—me. And I could finally let go of the fear strangling my heart because whatever he told me couldn’t break this, the bond we had, the chemistry that was more than sex. It was a soul deep connection that flared and ignited when we were together.

He trailed kisses down my stomach as he laid me on the bed. His fingers hooked over the elastic of the yoga pants I wore, sliding them down my leg. Hot kisses followed the path, over my thighs and calves.