Once Burned (Firehouse Fourteen Book 1) (21 page)

Tremors wracked her body, overtaking her like an uncontrollable palsy. And the chill. A deep, bone-penetrating chill that wouldn't be dispelled no matter how much she huddled into herself.

Kayla shifted on the sofa, pushing herself deeper into the corner and hugging her legs tighter to her chest. She pulled the fleece blanket more tightly around her shoulders and clenched her jaw against the latest tremor that shook her.

The sound of her phone ringing drifted down the stairs and she wished again she had thought to turn it off before tossing it on her nightstand. That had been two hours ago, and it kept ringing. Every ten minutes, like clockwork.

She didn't have the energy to climb the stairs and turn it off.

And she was afraid that she didn't have the willpower
not
to answer it. So yeah, it was better to leave it upstairs and let it ring, no matter how annoying the sound was.

Kayla shook her head and reached over for the mug of coffee, bringing it to her lips with a shaking hand. The coffee had long since turned cold but she didn't care, just wanted the hit of caffeine in her system.

No, what she really wanted was something stronger. A shot of whiskey or brandy. But she still didn't have any alcohol in the house, hadn't even thought about buying any until after she came home this afternoon.

After Nick and his bomb shell.

Kayla let out a deep breath and closed her eyes, resting her head on the arm of the sofa. Oh God, she had not seen that coming, had been completely blindsided by it. And she still didn't know what to think of it.

Why would he do that? Why? That was the question that kept repeating itself over and over, from the time she had finally reached the freedom of the parking lot and her Jeep and could actually think.

She couldn't believe he had opened himself like that, had exposed something so deeply personal and horrible and shattering to people who knew him and looked up to him. And she had no doubt that his students respected him, that much had been clear from the very first. So why? Why would he do such a thing?

She didn't want to know why. Was afraid of the answer.

And afraid of what to do about it.

Because she had to do something, that much at least was clear. It was the
what
that scared her. It would be so easy to just forget everything, or pretend to forget. Forget about seeing Nick again, pretend he hadn't come back into her life, pretend that there was nothing there and just go on with her life.

Alone.

Kayla ran a hand over her eyes and sighed, forcing herself to face the harsh reality of her world. Before Nick had come back into it, she had been alone, telling herself that she was happy that way.

Only it had all been a sham. She told herself she was happy because she didn't want to admit otherwise, didn't want to admit she was lonely, that she wanted somebody besides her coworkers in her life. Her friends meant the world to her but they were just that: friends. And she wanted somebody to share her life with.

A few weeks ago, if anyone had told her that someone would be Nick, there was a good chance she would have hit them. But now?

Nick had changed. She had changed. They were no longer the scared kids they had been all those years ago. And while she mourned the loss of what they were, she knew that what they could be was so much better.

All she had to do was let go of the past, to forgive him. And herself.

Silence stretched around her and as the minutes ticked by, a sense of calm filled her. The chills lessened and finally disappeared, and warmth seeped into her. Mike opened her eyes and straightened, letting the blanket fall from her shoulders as she looked around the empty room.

All she had to do was let go of the past, and forgive him. And herself.

And she realized, sitting there in the quiet comfort of her living room, that she already had. Sometime in the last few months, she had let go of what happened ten years ago, pushing it into a little box labeled "the past" and putting it somewhere on a shelf in her memory. No, she couldn't forget it—she didn't think anyone could expect either of them to forget—but somehow, at some point, it had become just that: a memory, just like any other memory. It may have shaped and defined her in the past, but it wasn't who she was
now
. Who she had been for quite some time.

And with that realization came another: she had forgiven Nick. She had forgiven him years ago and never admitted it to herself. She had loved him then, even after everything that had happened, and she couldn't love someone she hadn't forgiven.

But did she love him now?

She closed her eyes and a picture of Nick came immediately to mind, filling her with warmth. His dark hair, even now just a little on the long side. Dark intense eyes that encouraged her to lose herself in their depths. The feel of his arms around her, strong and protecting, caring, supporting.

She forced the picture of Nick from her mind and thought about what life would be like if she never saw him again. Another chill quickly spread over her, filling her from the inside out. She pushed the feeling of emptiness away and opened her eyes.

Yes, she loved Nick. Not the boy he had been, although that love would never die. She loved the man Nick had become, the emotion for the man stronger than it had ever been for the boy.

A murmur of surprise escaped her at the realization. Had she known already, or was she only now realizing it? Given her reaction when Nick had told her he loved her, she admitted she had probably known for some time, but was too afraid to acknowledge it.

Afraid. Her. And she had acted like a cowardly fool because of it.

Mike tossed the blanket to the floor and pushed herself from the sofa. It took less than a minute for her to shove her feet into a pair of shoes, pull on her jacket, and grab her keys.

The drive to Nick's house went by in a blur, her mind on autopilot until she pulled into his driveway. Close to a minute went by as she sat there, questioning herself and wondering if she was doing the right thing. Then she mentally berated herself, telling herself that of all the things she was, coward was not one of them. So she got out of the Jeep and walked to the front door and knocked on it, hard, not bothering with the doorbell.

And waited.

And waited some more.

The cold evening air drifted around her, chilling the skin beneath her sweatpants and jacket. She bounced from one foot to the other then knocked again, wondering if maybe Nick wasn't home. But no, his car was in the driveway, blocked by her Jeep. He had to be home.

She raised her fist to knock again then stood back in surprise when the door opened. Nick stood in front of her, still wearing the jeans and shirt he had on earlier. Her eyes raked his body, stopping to rest on his bare feet. She felt a smile tilt her mouth as her eyes drifted back up his body to his face.

And her smile left her when she noticed the bleakness of his expression, the shadows in his eyes.

"So. Can I come in?"

Nick stepped to the side, not saying anything, and for the first time Mike seriously began to wonder if she was making a mistake. He closed the door behind her and led the way upstairs, still saying nothing as he lowered himself to the sofa and propped his feet on the table in front of him. She stood a few feet away, uncomfortable as she searched her mind for something to say.

"You, uh, pretty much blindsided me this afternoon, you know? I hadn't expected that."

Nick looked up at her, the expression in his eyes unreadable, and she shifted uncomfortably. "I didn't mean to. My apologies."

"No problem." She didn't like the bleakness in his voice so she stood there, wondering what to do next. "I heard what you said. At the end. About not forgiving yourself."

Nick looked up at her for a long minute then shook his head and closed his eyes. Mike chewed on her lower lip then took a deep breath and closed the distance to the sofa. She sat next to him, leaving only inches between them, then hesitated before reaching out and grabbing his hand. She twined her fingers through his and squeezed.

"So here's the thing. I figure you pretty much have to forgive yourself because," she paused and took a deep breath, squeezing his fingers again, "because I've already forgiven you."

She closed her eyes and waited. Nick shifted on the sofa next to her and she could feel his eyes on her but she was afraid to look.

"Kayla." Her name was a hoarse whisper falling from his lips and she looked up, seeing naked emotion clear in the depths of his eyes. She tried to smile but felt it wobble and fall before she could. She took another deep breath and ran her free hand over her eyes, pushing in on them before running her hand through her hair and finally facing him again.

"I love you Nick. I never really stopped, but it's different now. I love who you are
now
. I've been sitting at home the last few hours, thinking, wondering what it would be like without you in my life and the idea makes me miserable."

"But what about—"

She cut him off with a quick kiss, then reached out and cupped the side of his face with her free hand. "It's in the past. It's been in the past. That's not who we are
now
. That was something else I realized. I love you, Nick. Here and now."

His eyes raked her face, the emotion still clear in their depths, but not as forlorn as before. And slowly, finally, one corner of his mouth tilted in a small smile and he leaned forward to kiss her, a gentle tender kiss that stole her breath and left her whimpering with need and emotion.

"God Kayla, I love you. Now more than ever. You have no idea—"

"I do. So could you maybe, you know, shut up and kiss me?"

Nick laughed, just a small one, and suddenly the heaviness surrounding them lifted, becoming brighter and full of promise. He leaned forward and pressed his mouth to hers, lightly at first, then more demanding, claiming and possessing. Kayla melted against him, surrendering to him just as he surrendered to her.

He finally pulled away and looked down at her, passion swirling in the depths of his eyes. "Tell me again."

"I love you, Nick."

He smiled and kissed her then stood up, pulling her with him. Before she could react, he leaned down and swung her up in his arms, holding her close as he walked down the hallway.

"Do you work tomorrow?" His question came out of the blue, surprising her. She shook her head and was rewarded with another smile. "Good, because I plan on showing you how much I love you. All. Night. Long."

Kayla wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tighter, laughing as the last sliver of coldness deep inside her melted and disappeared.

And was replaced by something so precious, it filled her with a heat that would warm her forever without fear of ever being burned. She hugged him close and dropped a kiss at the base of his neck, smiling when she felt a tremor shoot through him at the contact.

There would surely be ups and downs as they worked through things, but there was no doubt in Michaela's mind that they would get through everything.

Together.

**********

THE BALTIMORE BANNERS

Crossing the Line
, Book 1

Game Over
, Book 2

Blue Ribbon Summer
, Book 3

Body Check
, Book 4

Break Away
, Book 5

Playmaker,
A Baltimore Banners Intermission Nove
lla

Seduced By The Game
Cancer Charity Collection

Delay of Game
, Book 6

Shoot Out
, Book 7

Available April, 2016

FIREHOUSE FOURTEEN

Once Burned
, Book 1

Playing With Fire
, Book 2

Breaking Protocol
, Book 3

Available July, 2016

STAND-ALONE TITLES

Emeralds and Gold: A Treasury of Irish Short Stories
(anthology)

Finding Dr. Right

Time To Heal

Lisa B. Kamps is the author of the best-selling series
The Baltimore Banners
, featuring "hard-hitting, heart-melting hockey players" (USA Today), on and off the ice. ONCE BURNED is the launch title of her new series,
Firehouse Fourteen
, featuring hot and heroic firefighters.

Lisa grew up with an overactive imagination, strong encouragement from her parents, and an insatiable infatuation with the Peanuts gang. That infatuation—along with an impatience she has yet to outgrow—jump-started her love of writing. After all, why should she be forced to wait a whole week to read the stories of her favorite characters when she could create stories for them whenever she wanted? 

That love of writing continued to grow, along with all those voices in her head, even during her assorted careers: first as a firefighter with the Baltimore County Fire Department, then a very brief (and not very successful) stint at bartending in east Baltimore, and finally as the Director of Retail Operations for a busy Civil War non-profit.

Lisa currently lives in Maryland with her husband and two sons, one very spoiled Border Collie, two cats with major attitude, several head of cattle, and entirely too many chickens to count.

Interested in reaching out to Lisa? She'd love to hear from you, and there are several ways to contact her:

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