Of Love & Regret (21 page)

Chapter Sixteen

Despite telling
myself that the chances of running into Logan was slim to none, that didn’t
stop me from holding my breath every time I turned a corner for the next couple
of weeks. But as time passed, the thoughts of Logan that had been preoccupying
my mind receded into the background.

It was a balmy
Saturday afternoon, and I was at the Water Tower Place in downtown to do some
shopping. The last place I expected to see Logan was at a mall, so I was
completely unprepared when I caught sight of him heading out of a high-end
clothing store. I was even more unprepared to see a woman by his side, looking
up at him and laughing at whatever he had said.

My heart pounded
against my chest as I quickly backed up to hide behind a kiosk. The thought of
facing Logan was scary enough. Facing him while he was with another woman was
unthinkable.

That didn’t stop
me from spying on them. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Logan. He was as handsome
as ever, although he was tanned and his blond hair was lighter than I
remembered. I felt a tightening in my chest when I saw him smile at the woman.
His smile was relaxed and full of affection. His expression made me realize
that this woman wasn’t some temporary plaything like his past relationships.
This woman obviously meant something to him. I could see it in his face. That
hurt more than anything else could.

She was pretty
with long, dark brown hair and a willowy frame, but she was different from the
drop-dead gorgeous women Logan usually dated. She wasn’t flashy, having instead
an understated beauty.

I didn’t think the
ache in my chest could get any worse until I saw him put an arm around her
shoulders as he leaned down to say something to her. The casual intimacy
indicated a familiarity that left me shattered, and I quickly straightened so
that they were out of my line of sight. I needed to get the hell out of there
before I broke down in public. In all my daydreams about what it would be like
to see Logan again, I never thought it would be like this.

Since I was on the
second floor, I walked swiftly to a nearby escalator and ran down them, barely
able to mutter apologies as I clumsily maneuvered around people who were
standing still. The heat was oppressive when I exited the mall but I was
relieved to no longer be in the same building as Logan and that woman. That
woman who should have been me.

Colorful flowers
bloomed in large stone planters in front of the mall, and I leaned against one
of them, trying to get my chaotic thoughts in order. It had finally happened. I
had finally run into Logan in the worst possible circumstances since he was
with another woman, and I had survived. At least he hadn’t seen me. I would be
okay. Everything would be okay.

I was repeating
this mantra to myself in my head when I heard a voice call out my name.
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as I turned my head in the direction
of the voice. I already knew who had spoken, but that didn’t make it any less
jarring to see Logan standing a few feet away from me with that woman beside
him.

I straightened,
plastering a polite mask on my face. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any
worse, they had.

“Logan,” I said,
proud that my voice was steady and even. “This is a surprise.”

I glanced at their
joined hands as they walked closer to me, and then quickly looked back up. The
bland smile on my face was hard to maintain, and I fought against the tide of
emotions that were threatening to overtake me.

“Madison! I was
meaning to call you to let you know I was back in town.”

I was taken aback
by Logan’s broad smile and pleasant tone. Any onlooker would have assumed we
were merely old friends that had bumped into each other, but I knew better.
Still, I played along.

“Emily mentioned
she saw you at your law firm.” I swallowed, not sure what else to say as I
stared at him. It had been hard enough to see him from a distance, but now that
he was right in front of me, I wanted to collapse into a puddle of tears and
regret.

“I just recently
transferred back to Chicago.” He glanced down at the woman beside him, who had
been listening to our conversation with an interested smile. “This is my
girlfriend Kristina.”

I barely heard him
as he told Kristina that we were old friends from college and from when he had lived
in Chicago before. His introduction of her confirmed everything that I had feared.
I couldn’t remember the last time he had introduced someone as his girlfriend.
Besides me and Cassie.

My face felt tight
as I tried to smile at her. If she noticed my discomfort, she graciously ignored
it and smiled easily at me.

“It’s nice to meet
you, Madison,” she said. “I’m counting on Logan introducing me to his friends
since he dragged me here from L.A., although I have to admit that so far I’m
enjoying living in Chicago.”

It kept getting
worse and worse. Not only did she and Logan have an actual relationship but she
had moved thousands of miles to be with him. Because he had asked her to.

I couldn’t keep
the forced smile on my face anymore. I sure as hell couldn’t stand there and
pretend like my heart hadn’t been obliterated into pieces anymore. I needed to
escape.

“Well, it was nice
seeing you,” I said wanly. “I have to run because I’m supposed to meet Emily.”

“Wait.”

I had started to
turn to get out of there as quickly as possible, when not only his voice stopped
me, but his hand on my shoulder prevented me from bolting away. I jerked my
shoulder back, feeling burned by his touch. Logan dropped his hand as quickly
as he had reached out for me.

“What?” I asked,
trying to keep the hostility from my voice. Was he trying to prolong this
because he knew it was killing me? Was he trying to punish me?

“Kristina and I
are having a small party next Saturday. It’s nothing big. I’m just trying to
convince her that Chicago isn’t such a bad place to live and she hasn’t made a
huge mistake by moving here with me.” The wry grin he gave Kristina before
looking back at me gutted me. “I’d love it if you’d come. You should invite
Emily, too.”

I stared at him. What
game was he playing? It was cruel of him to pretend that we had been nothing
more than friends. Maybe that was the point
—
to
be cruel.

“Sorry, I already
have plans,” I muttered. “But I’ll let Emily know. I really have to go now. See
you later.”

I turned abruptly
and walked away as quickly as I could without actually running. Logan’s
expression had looked sincere, but it had to be an act. He couldn’t have so
easily forgotten about everything that had happened between us. He couldn’t
think that we could go back to being friends.

I was confused and
angry, but by the time I got back to my apartment, all I felt was hurt. Had I
imagined all the feelings we had for each other? He had even told me that he
loved me. He had been crushed when things hadn’t worked out between us. Hadn’t
he? All this time, I had told myself that the reason he hadn’t been willing to
give me another chance was because it was too painful for him to risk getting
hurt again since I had already disappointed him so many times. But maybe it was
the opposite. Maybe, when it came down to it, I hadn’t meant much to him at
all.

I drove myself
crazy as I paced my apartment, wondering what the hell Logan was thinking. I
picked up the phone and called Emily. Maybe she could help me understand all of
this.

“Are you kidding
me?” she exclaimed when I told her about my encounter with Logan and his
invitation to his party.

“I know,” I said,
relieved that she seemed as confused by Logan’s attitude as I was. “He was so
nonchalant, like we were just two old friends bumping into each other.” I
sighed deeply, trying to look at the situation from a different perspective.
“Maybe I’m just making this out to be more than it is. It’s been a year since
we ended a relationship that lasted for less than a month. Looking at it that
way, I shouldn’t be surprised that he apparently has no lingering feelings for
me.”

Emily’s voice was
incredulous when she spoke. “Logan Delaney cared about you so much that he
waited eight years for you to be ready to have a relationship with him. I saw
his face when I told him about Adam’s proposal. I thought he was going to lose
it right then and there. Your relationship can’t be quantified by the length of
time you guys were a couple. He’s wanted you since you were a junior in college,
and was willing to wait on the sidelines for his chance to be with you. That
depth of feeling doesn’t just go away in a year.”

Instead of making
me feel better, Emily’s reasoning reminded me of everything I had put Logan
through. Instead of begrudging him his happiness and his apparent ability to
get over me, I should be glad that it seemed like he had found someone he could
be happy with. I had been given multiple chances with him and, afraid and
insecure, I had let them all slip through my fingers.

“I don’t know,” I
said, trying to talk past the ball of regret that was burning inside my chest.
“Maybe you’re right, but it doesn’t matter. My chance with Logan is gone. I
need to accept that. He’s moved on, and I need to be okay with that. Despite
everything that’s happened, I’m not going to deny that I still care about him.
I should be happy for him.”

A voice inside of
me screamed in protest.
I still love
Logan. We should be together. He should be mine. If he had just given me one
more chance, we would be together now.

I silenced the
voice in my head. The faster I accepted that Logan and I would never be
together, the sooner I could get past the pain. Despite telling myself this
past year that I would probably never see Logan again, I admitted to myself
that I had still hoped he would come back to me. Deep down, I had believed he
just wanted to make sure I had been punished enough. I truly thought that, in
the end, we would be together because I didn’t think he could just walk away
from me forever. I had been so wrong.

“So, you’re okay
with him playing house with some other woman?” Emily asked skeptically.

“Not yet, but I
have to be,” I admitted truthfully. “What other choice do I have? I have no say
in what he does with his life.”

“Do you think you
can just be friends with him again?”

I hesitated before
answering. The smart thing to do, the sane thing, would be to cut all ties with
Logan. For both our sakes. He could move on with his life and I could try to
heal the pain of losing him. But talking to Emily made me realize that I wanted
Logan back in my life, even if only as a friend. There was a tinge of
desperation in that desire, and it was sobering to realize I was willing to
smother my pain just to be around him, but it was better than lying to myself.
At this moment, I wanted Logan any way I could get him. Even as just a friend.

“I want to at
least try,” I finally replied. “If it becomes too painful, I can step back, but
maybe Logan and I can go back to the way we used to be before we got
romantically involved.”

“Yeah, when he was
pining away for you in secret,” Emily said drily. “If you think you can handle
it, I guess you can try. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Don’t worry. If
it starts getting to be too much for me, I’ll sever ties. Who knows. Maybe he
doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. Maybe he was just inviting me to his
party to be polite.”

“So are you going
to go?”

“I’m not sure yet.
If I do, will you come with me?” I felt pretty juvenile, like a high-schooler
asking her friend to come to the popular boy’s party with her, but I knew there
was no way I’d consider going on my own.

I was relieved
when Emily agreed, although she still sounded skeptical about the whole
situation. After we ended our call, I tried to take my mind off Logan and
picked up a book I had recently started reading.

Twenty minutes
later, after I had reread the same page over and over again without absorbing a
word, I threw it aside and turned on the television, hoping that there would be
something on to distract me. I spent the next half hour compulsively turning
the channels until I finally conceded defeat and turned it off. I was too antsy
to concentrate on anything and I decided to try to burn off some of my nervous
energy with a run.

My workout regimen
was sorely lacking, as my most common form of exercise was walking from my
living room to my kitchen. Still, I changed into my workout clothes, which
hadn’t seen the light of day in months, and headed out, grateful that at least
some of the humidity had dissipated.

I ran as hard as I
could, trying to ignore my burning lungs and aching legs. Soon, my head was
cleared of everything except for my attempt to succeed in mind over matter. My
body was begging me to stop, but I forced myself to keep going as I tried to
cleanse my mind of all the pain and regret that had threatened to break me down
today.

By the time I made
it back to my street, I was drenched in sweat and breathing heavily as I fought
for air. I slowed down to a walk and wiped my forehead with my sleeve. The run
had been brutal, but it had also succeeded in clearing my head, and I
considered making running a part of my routine.

All the good my
run had accomplished vanished when I got closer to my building and saw a
familiar figure standing on the front stoop. I froze and considered turning
around and running away. The fact that he was looking in my direction and had clearly
seen me was the only reason I didn’t turn around and bolt.

I tried to
regulate my breathing as I started walking again, telling myself to stay cool
and not let him see how much his presence affected me. It didn’t help that I
was a sweaty mess in a t-shirt and shorts while he looked completely unaffected
by the heat in jeans and a blue button-down shirt.