Nothing is Forever (21 page)

She laughed. ‘You’re certainly a man of surprises. Well done. I’m all for having fresh horizons to yearn for.’

‘I don’t know what horizons I’m looking for, at least, my ideas aren’t exactly firm.’

‘What about Ruth? Doesn’t she have an idea of what she would like? You must have discussed it before taking such a drastic step? I presume this is partly to find something you can both share.’

‘Ruth knows the shop is sold and unfortunately she found out from Tabs before I could talk to her. It happened very suddenly, you see.’

‘That was unfortunate.’ She refilled his teacup and patted his shoulder. ‘If Ruth is to be a part of this new stage in your life, you must talk to her. Involve her in every stage. Take her somewhere quiet and explain how you feel.’

‘She is as slippery as an eel when I try to talk about our future.’

Lillian thought it wise not to offer her comments on what seemed to be an obvious move – saying goodbye to a woman who can’t or won’t make up her mind! Instead she asked, ‘Where will you live after the shop is sold?’

‘There’s a house which I took Ruth to see a few months ago and I think it might be perfect for the idea I have in mind.’

‘When you’re ready to talk, come and I’ll listen,’ she promised.

He didn’t drive straight back to the shop, instead he went to the house on the common he had shown to Ruth and spoke to the owner, who was still looking for a buyer.

Geraint had begun the work on the house, Tabs was packing ready to leave and, ignoring them both, Ruth began to prepare for Christmas. She was being stupid, she knew that. Over the Christmas period she would be sitting in the house alone, while her brothers and their wives celebrated in their own way.

Geraint had told her he would be going back to London to see about starting up his new business; Toni and Brenda, Tommy and Bryn had their plans made. Susan and Emrys asked her if she’d like spend the few days with them but Ruth declined. ‘I’ll be needed here for Aunty Blod, and several friends will be popping in,’ she lied. ‘But I’ll help with some cooking if you like.’ She knew as she spoke those words that she had laid herself open for another rejection. Smiles, apologies and that word ‘grateful’ were repeated, but, ‘no thanks’ was the message.

She sat in the silent house while Geraint was out buying more supplies and Tabs was at work and she listened to the silence around her, and the emptiness filled her with dread. This was her life from now on into the empty years ahead. Wherever she lived, in this house or another, or a soulless flat somewhere, she would face every day alone.

Her job would finish in a couple of weeks and she knew she had to get another. That might open up her life a little, but the truth was that she didn’t want her life opened up to other people. She belonged here, in this house, providing a base and security for her brothers and their families. She ignored the small voice within her that warned her the role she envisioned playing didn’t exist any more, and maybe it never had. Her position had always been temporary, so why couldn’t she accept that and move on?

She told Henry that she would miss the farm visits. Talking to the people who lived and worked in the country had been a joy, her interest in the wild flowers had increased and the sights she had been shown of some of the shy animals that lived their secret lives alongside man had been fascinating. She and Henry had spent hours walking the cliffs and fields and their knowledge was growing, adding to the pleasure of the walks. But those outings were rare now, since her inability to accept change had spoilt so much between them. Perhaps, once the house was sold and she was settled in wherever she decided to live, she and Henry would revert to the loving friends they had always been. She admitted to herself that most of the change had to come from herself, and wondered if Henry still cared enough to give her a chance. Telling Abigail she and her mother would have to leave was more difficult than telling Tabs. She guiltily admitted to herself there had been a certain glee in telling Tabs she must go, but Abigail seemed so frail and helpless, depending on Jack to help her.

‘Do you have any idea where Jack can be?’ she asked Abigail, after explaining about selling the house. ‘Or when he’ll be back?’

Abigail shook her head. ‘He travels around getting work wherever he can, trying to raise money to help us. But we can’t rely on him now. I don’t know how to get in touch with him and after Tabs persuaded him to steal from Henry he can’t come back here, can he?’

‘Tabs persuaded him? I understood that he persuaded her!’

‘Jack works hard, but he’s never been dishonest, until he met Tabs.’

Ruth was confused, and couldn’t accept what Abigail was saying, she disliked Tabs who had let her down so badly but she was such a mouse, how could she have found the courage to steal from Henry? She must have been persuaded by Jack. She said nothing more. Gathering the plates and cutlery from the dresser she set the table for lunch.

‘I have found a job,’ Abigail told her then. ‘But I don’t know whether I can take it, and I don’t know how we’ll manage if I don’t.’

Ruth sat at on the couch and waited for her to tell more.

‘I can’t do the job I was doing before. I let them down, you see, with Mum being ill and….’

She hesitated and Ruth said, ‘The loss of your baby.’

‘But I’ve been offered a position as sales lady in a fashion shop within a large store and I can’t take it unless someone will look after my mother and there’s no one. I don’t know when Jack will be back.’

‘Does she need looking after? What will happen when you find a place of your own?’

‘It’s just for the next few weeks. Until I feel sure she’s fully recovered. Then, with a flat nearby, where I can see her every lunchtime I’ll be happier leaving her.’

‘All I can do is say you can stay with me until the house is sold. After Christmas I’ll be here all day. If that helps?’ The woman thanked her profusely and relief showed on her smiling face. Ruth wondered how Henry would react and thought a smile unlikely. Or, that little voice whispered, perhaps he will smile, if he no longer cares.

Tabs moved back to her father’s house, the worst possible place for what she had to deal with over the next few months. She squeezed herself and her few belongings into the small cramped room. She was determined not to become Martha’s unpaid housekeeper but soon found herself preparing breakfast for the three of them and on occasions for paying guests too. It would soon be Christmas and she imagined herself sitting alone in her over-filled room except when Martha asked her – oh so politely – to help with something. It was a small defiance, but she went out every evening before the dishes were cleared and walked around the town. If it rained she went to the pictures, if not, she would dress as warmly as possible and walk around the places where she had seen Jack. One day he would reappear, she was sure of it.

Three days before Christmas, Geraint went to do some shopping. He bought a gift for each of the family he expected to see on Christmas Day. Ruth watched indifferently as he placed them under the tree. There were very few parcels there, where usually everyone placed their gifts ready for the grand opening session on Christmas morning.

For the first time she could remember, Aunty Blodwen wasn’t coming to spend Christmas with her. Aware that the boys were all going elsewhere, Blod explained that she would stay with a friend. ‘I thought Geraint was decorating the room I usually have and I didn’t want to be a nuisance,’ she had explained on a brief visit. ‘I’m grateful for all the Christmases you’ve looked after me,’ she went on.

There it was, that word again!

‘I want you here,’ Ruth insisted.

Blodwen shook her head. ‘Tommy’s wife explained how we were all taking advantage of you, so I’ve arranged to spend the day with my neighbour Mrs Harrison.’

‘Our Christmas is nothing to do with Toni!’

‘I know, dear, but she was only thinking of you, being kind.’

Ruth’s first instinct was to tell Henry but she stopped the thought as soon as it begun. She had quarrelled with Henry. She had made it clear that he was less important that her absentee family. She was on her own. Then, to her surprise she had two invitations. One came from Mrs Harrison, Aunty Blod’s neighbour. She invited her to spend the day with her and Blodwen, but before she could consider how to reply, Henry came.

He knocked on the door and walked in, and handed her a card which also held a note. He waited silently when she read it. ‘It’s from your mother, inviting me to spend Christmas with her.’ She stared at him in surprise. He quirked an eyebrow in a silent question. ‘But I can’t,’ she said.

‘Why not?’

‘I can’t leave the house, the others might come for a meal, or – I just can’t. Sorry. Will you explain to your mother?’

‘Can’t, or won’t?’

‘Oh, don’t start all that again.’

‘I’ll call for you at eleven on Christmas morning.’ As she began shaking her head again, he added, ‘Be ready, unless you really want to spend Christmas Day alone. You have a choice – this year. Next year you might not.’

Was that a warning of his intention of saying goodbye? She watched him go and with tears in her eyes glanced at the calendar. It was ominously empty of any star markings, denoting visits.

Tabs stood watching Ty Gwyn, wishing she was still living there. Curiosity had brought her there. She was doubtful of Jack’s story of helping a friend. She could see the silhouette of someone inside, walking backwards and forwards, then the figure could be seen slipping into a coat, and winding a scarf around her neck. She recognized Abigail and she was obviously going out. At this time of the evening, there were only the public houses or the chip shop to entice someone to brave the bitingly cold wind. She shivered as she watched the door and waited.

She was rewarded a few minutes later by seeing Abigail come out, almost unrecognizable in the heavy coat and the thick scarf, lumbering along on thick fur-lined boots. She followed her without difficulty and groaned in disappointment when she went into a bus shelter at the edge of the park. There was no way she could follow her on a bus without being seen.

To her relief two buses passed and she realized that she wasn’t getting on, but waiting for someone to get off. Jack! As he jumped off the bus and walked towards Abigail, Tabs didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t continue to follow; Jack only had to turn round and he would see her. Better then, go up to them straight away, and see what Jack had to say. But she hesitated before moving towards them and Jack put his arms around Abigail and they kissed. Not a kiss between friends, but a loving, passionate kiss of lovers. Stifling a sob she slowly and cautiously moved towards them, bushes around the bus stop gave her shelter and she was able to stand close enough to hear what Jack was saying.

‘I have to see Tabs again, Abi, love. We need her for a while longer. I feel something positive about Ty Gwyn, I’m disturbed by distant memories; things my father told me. This is the place where I’ll find my inheritance, and my family. I’m so certain this is where I’ll find my inheritance, my father’s treasure, if you can be just a little more patient. Darling, I know it’s asking a lot but we’ll be fine once I get what’s mine.’

Tabs couldn’t hear Abigail’s reply but Jack protested and his words were clear. ‘Abi, love, I promised you there wouldn’t be anything but an occasional kiss and I’ve kept my word. You are my love, my only love.’

Tabs’s hands moved to her belly where she knew Jack’s child was growing. She must have misunderstood; it wasn’t easy to hear their words with their faces muffled by their clothes. She tried to change the words she had heard, distorting them, making them say something different, Jack must have been telling Abigail that she – Tabs – was his one true love. It had to be a mistake. How could she cope if it weren’t? A baby with no one in the world to help her?

She was shivering with shock and cold and she was afraid to move. She couldn’t confront them, not now, she needed to prepare. She would wait, then try to find Jack and tell him about the baby. He wouldn’t let her down, not when she had done so much to help him. She saw Jack dig in his pockets and hand something to Abigail.

‘Only twenty-two pounds, love, but I’ll get some more in a week or so. I’ll be back and we’ll be together for always.’

Tears slid down Tabs’s face, she hadn’t misheard that. She stumbled as she tried to move away and she waited, shivering with shock and misery.

Jack kissed Abigail but as he did so, his eyes moved to the bush behind which Tabs was hiding. She couldn’t see his eyes or she would have been afraid of the anger they showed. She froze and sighed with relief when he didn’t come to investigate. He kissed Abigail again but his eyes were searching the darkness of the bushes wondering who was there. Could it be Tabs? Could she have heard?

Tabs waited until the couple moved away, arms around each other, walking across the road where a bus stopped and hid their goodbyes. Then Abigail hurried back to the house and, stiff with cold and misery, Tabs followed.

Jack hadn’t got on the bus and he ran softly across the road and watched as Tabs walked away.

It was late, almost eleven o’clock, and Tabs knew her father would be worried, but she didn’t go home. Her unhappiness led her to Ruth.

The house was dark, Ruth’s bedroom window showed a glimmer of yellow light behind thin curtains and Tabs guessed she was reading. Almost without thinking, she knocked on the door and called. The lights came on but the door didn’t open until Ruth had asked who was there and Tabs sobbed her name and asked to come in.

The fire was still glowing and seeing that Tabs was shivering Ruth added some sticks and fresh coal before putting the kettle to boil and setting out cups and saucers. She didn’t ask any questions until Tabs was beside the fire, snuggled up in a blanket and with a hot-water bottle wrapped in another blanket, near her feet.

‘Jack, I presume?’ Ruth said, as she handed the still shivering girl a cup of cocoa.

‘He doesn’t love me and I’m going to have his baby,’ Tabs whispered.

Ruth felt a twist of pain at the thought of the baby. Tabs didn’t deserve a child after the way she had behaved. Surprised at her reaction she wondered whether a desire for a child was dormant in every women, even if they didn’t realize it.