Love Abstract (The Art of Falling Book 2) (24 page)

And the worst part about it all is knowing that where there is one lie, there are inevitably more. This has proven true time and time again, and I should have known when he initially lied to me about Hailey. But apparently, I was too stupid to listen to my gut. It’s true—you really do only hear what you want. And I wanted to believe that Phoenix was an honest man.

What else has he lied about?

I know things can never go back to the way they once were.

Not when we are sitting on a bed of lies.

The truth is patient. It will sit there waiting for you until you're ready to accept it. Deny it's existence as you may; the truth will always come out.

Always.

I TAP THE TOP OF the bar twice, signaling the bartender to pour me another shot.

The hipster slinks over and grabs a bottle of Knob Creek.
Nothing but the best to drown my sorrows.

“You really should come up for air, man,” he says as he slides the shot glass of whiskey my way. His jet black hair seemingly match his eyes. I know what he’s thinking,
that poor, pathetic fuck up.
Frankly, I wish he'd keep his judgment to himself. After all, he’s on the other side of the bar serving me.

“I don’t recall asking for your opinion.” I can't control the bite in my bark and throw back the amber liquid, savoring it hastily before chasing it with the little that is left of my beer. I wince as I slam the glass back down on the bar.

He walks away and I continue to brood in silence, spinning the empty shot glass on its side like a top.

The past twenty-four hours have been absolute hell. I've been working hard to avoid a situation like this and then my stupid ass walked right into it without hesitation. I should have told her months ago.

I am such a fucking idiot. If there were ever a lord god king of fucking idiots, it would be me, no contest.

I slide off the barstool and make my way over to the jukebox. Slipping a few quarters in, I search for the most depressing song I can find, punch in the numbers and then return back to my seat before it has a chance to cool.

“Of all the songs in that little machine over there, you want to listen to Beck’s
Loser
?” The barkeep shakes his head and wipes down the counter with a dingy dishtowel.

“It’s fitting.”
And also, fuck you.

I’ve lost the one person who means the world. The probability of Ivy forgiving me is slim to none. It shouldn’t have gone down like that. It shouldn’t have gone down at all.

I close my eyes and drop my forehead on the bar. Behind my eyelids, all I see is Ivy's rage, her contempt, her throwing me out with the trash. Exactly as she should have because that is
exactly
what I am.

I did the unthinkable with one of the people she hates the most. And to make matters worse, I hid it from her instead of coming clean. A real man would have told her. A real man would have looked out for his woman before he looked out for himself. But I'm not even a real man. I'm a fucking coward, and I'm not worthy of a woman like Ivy. That much is clear.

When I lift my head, the bartender is staring me down. He needs to chill the fuck out. The place is nowhere near capacity and I no doubt have the highest bar tab in the joint. At least I should after sitting here drinking for three straight hours.

I've been drinking to remember.

Drinking to forget.

And drinking to ease the pain.

At this rate, I'm going to be in a world of hurt. A second bender was not in my weekend plans. Roll with the fucking punches, I guess.

I tap my fingers on the bar again as the nameless bartender passes me by.

He stops in front of me and gives a disapproving look. My eyes plead with him. Just one more shot to put me out of my misery. He sighs heavily, shaking his head before filling another shot glass. This time he slides me a chaser of water.

“I know it's none of my business, and you probably don't want to hear it, but I'm cutting you off after this shot.”

Asshole.

“Hey, thanks, Aston,” a deep voice says as a body piles into the stool beside me. “Trying to drink this place out of business, Moonpie?”

I must be drunker than I thought because I look to my left and see three Brocks blurring together like a tropical oasis in the desert.
Well, this is just fucking peachy.

“Brock? Is that you?”

“No. It’s your fucking fairy godmother.” He bumps into my shoulder and leans up onto the bar.

“Fairy! Ha, you’re funny …” the words practically drool out of the side of my mouth. “So are you really here? Or have I drank myself into oblivion and you’re just here to ridicule me?”

“Yeah, I’m here. And I’m not here to taunt you. Though you
are
distracting me from my latest conquest.” Brock looks over his shoulder at a wide-eyed ginger who is clearly here with a fake ID.
How many guys does this dude go through in a single weekend?

“Sorry,” I mutter without sincerity.

“So what are you doing here by yourself? Where's Ivy?”

“I don't know what I’m doing with anyone anymore,” I slur. “Ivy kicked me out. I'm pretty sure we're over.” I swallow hard, my body slightly sobering at the realization that I really have fucked everything up beyond repair.

“Wait … what? What the hell are you talking about? You guys were perfectly fine last night.”

I wince at the thought of our
perfect
night. The happy go lucky girl I love after a few drinks. The high of being on stage together and singing as a team. Our karaoke kiss that I can still feel on my lips when I close my eyes. Though if I close my eyes right now, I’m going to pass out on the bar.

I exhale slowly, bracing myself to confess my sins once more. “I know. Last night in my drunken stupor, I confessed to sleeping with her sister.”

“Whoa. The sister she hates? You’re an asshole to cheat on Ivy.”

I nod silently, focusing my eyes on the grain marks on the wood bar.

“Yeah ... I’m definitely an asshole. But I didn’t cheat on Ivy. It happened a while ago.”

“You’re a bold man tasting two different apples from the same family tree.”

I scoff. That wasn’t bold. It was unknowingly stupid. “It’s not like that at all. In fact, it’s far more complex than anyone could have ever imagined. But the fact of the matter is, I never told her. And I should have told her months ago.”

Aston pours something into a shot glass and passes it to Brock. When the hell did he order this?

“So tell me.” Brock slides the shot glass my direction with a glint of concern in his eyes and a sad smile on his face.

I take the shot glass in my fingers and look at it before sighing and wishing the painful memories away. I would give anything to go back in time and tell her sooner and under the right circumstances. Maybe then I would have had a fair shot at earning her forgiveness, keeping her trust, making this—
us—
work
.
But nope. I went and ruined it before we ever had a chance to make it work.

I bring the glass to my lips and savor the burn as the whiskey spills down my throat. It hurts so good. I nudge the empty shot glass back to Brock and take a sip of water, nearly choking on it. I wipe my mouth. “God. I don’t even know where to start. It’s all such a fucking mess.” Brock nods sympathetically and orders a vodka soda from Aston. “Well, just tell me from the start.”

I take a deep breath, unsure if I really want to recount my dirty past with him. But I haven’t made many friends in New York, and I don’t want my work buddies to judge me for my inexcusable behavior.

The hell with it. I have nothing to lose at this point.

I sigh. “Several years ago I dated this chick, Annie. She was a great girl, just not the girl for me.”

“Are you
sure
you’re into girls?” he asks. My glare cuts right through him and he raises his hands in mock surrender. “Adorable piece of ass like you? Can’t fault a guy for dreaming.”

“Anyway.” I take another deep breath. “Annie was expecting a ring and instead I gave her back the key to her apartment. She didn’t take it well, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Then I did what most guys would do. I threw myself into alcohol. Sex. Unadulterated debauchery. Women became my vice.”

I never committed to any of them because none of them were worth my time. Harsh? Yes. Does that make me an asshole? No doubt. But true? Absolutely.

“And that’s when I met her sister, Genevieve. Although, I honestly don’t even think she remembers doing anything with me. At least she never acted like she did. But who knows. It’s not like I’m going to bring it up to her in casual conversation.”

Brock snorts. “I would never have pegged you as a forgettable lay.”

This guy is unrelenting. I can certainly tell he
’
d be a handful for Ivy to work with.

I ignore him and continue. “She was pretty fucked up that night. Beyond the booze, I saw her take two lines of coke, and who knows how many I didn’t see.”

Silence lingers between us as he processes the implications of what I just said. The look he gives me isn’t one of judgment, but rather sympathy.

“But between the booze and the flirting and the dancing, one thing led to another and … you know …” I trail off, reaching a whole new level of self-loathing.

“I feel like an asshole for even suggesting this … but did she consent?”

“I should never have gone against my better judgment and fooled around with her. She was so fucking high. And I knew better. I’m not that kind of man. But all of that wasn’t enough to stop me when she came onto me all hot and heavy. She practically fucked me on the dance floor. And I did what I think most guys would have done in that situation. I surrendered to her conquest. And I hate myself for it.”

Maybe Ivy is right? Maybe I’m just like Sully ... a worthless piece of shit. There’s no way that anyone can understand the regret and confusion I feel with the whole situation, so I don’t even bother trying to explain. Instead, I just keep my eyes down toward the bar and nod.

“That’s fucked up, man.” Brock drums his fingers against the wood rhythmically. I feel it reverberate all throughout my pounding head. I should really stop drinking.

“I know.”

“How’d she find out?”

“Me,” I sigh, running my hands through my hair with a firm pull. The pain is surprisingly soothing. “I’m an idiot. I slipped up earlier in the night and then in my gloriously eloquent intoxicated state, I spilled it all on the walk home after the bar. I know I needed to tell her, but not like that. I’m such a fucking dick.”

“Can’t argue with you there, Tiger.”

The truth has been gnawing me raw for months and guilt has become a permanent part of my DNA. I thought I’d feel relief once I didn’t have to carry that secret with me anymore. But instead, I just want to hole up and die.

“It gets worse though…”

“If you slept with her mom too, I am officially de-friending you.

I snort at the absurdity of the thought. I’m pretty sure if I ever see her mother again, some choice words will be exchanged. She’ll be lucky to be alive after all is said and done.

“Nah, nothing like that. I’m not
that
big of a douchebag. To keep a long story short, I had a friends with benefits sitch with my old roommate Hailey. I immediately called it off when I met Ivy but never told Ivy about the arrangement. To me, it was irrelevant and didn’t mean anything. Then a few weeks ago, Hailey flew in out of nowhere and tried to play up our alleged ‘relationship.’ Before she left, she said some things alluding to what happened with Genevieve and I don’t think Ivy has wholeheartedly trusted me since. Needless to say, it put a huge fucking wedge between us for a while, but we worked it out. At least I thought we had.”

“Fuck. That's heavy.” He rakes his hands through his hair.

I know what he's thinking. It's the exact same thing I'm thinking … that Aston’s thinking … that every other person in this whole bar is thinking…

I’m a fucking asshole.

“I know I’m not the perfect guy Ivy thought I was. But she makes me
want
to be that man. A girl like Ivy? I’m not worth her time and affection and I’ve been holding on for dear life, trying not to royally fuck everything up even further. Which is why I have to give her the space that she wants. I’m just hoping a little time apart will ultimately bring us back together. That time helps her realize that all that happened before I even knew her. If it were any other girl, we probably wouldn’t even be in this situation?”