Living Dead at Zigfreidt & Roy (5 page)

JM – “Kendal…
Ozzel? Admiral Kendal Ozzel? Was your uncle? You should have
mentioned that in your application. I don’t know if we can…”
GO – “Woah, woah, woah! He was my uncle. Past tense. He had put in
a good word for me and I was supposed to come in as a supervisor in
garbage disposal. Then that jag Vader killed him after that whole
ice planet fiasco. Soon as Vader got rid of my uncle, he busted me
down to the lowest post on board and had me in sewage. Dark Lord of
the Peckerheads! You know that guy waits til he knows we’re down
there. We dispatch memos, send out mass communications to detail
what sectors we’re working in… there’s signs everywhere… and he’s
supposed to have that mojo-jojo hoodoo-juju dark side of the
whatever bullshit, right? He knows we’re down there working… I’ve
heard him up in his quarters, taking off his suit, chuckling with
his helmet still on…
kheeee-kho kheeek-kho he-he-he-he kho
…
then the big jerk shits out a whole Mynock on our heads.”

JM – “You
sound quite disgruntled. Still, with such high connections in
the…”

GO –
“Connections? Only connection I’ve got is washing Vader’s Bantha
poodoo out of my hair. One of the guys told me that he specifically
requested that they send me into the lower 19th quadrant last week
so that he could dump a whole tank of Hutt sludge on me. It’s a
nightmare!”

(60 second
pause in conversation. Sound of papers shuffled. Primary recording
device deactivated.)

(Secondary
recorder automatic activation on voice recognition)

JM – “Nepotism
isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it?”

GO – “Not from
where I’ve been wading.”

JM – “You
know, my mother put me in this job. She’s the supreme whatever,
savior of the universe, blah blah blah… Never shuts up about it. As
if I wouldn’t be happier married to some investment banker on
Aargau, sneaking off to shop on Cato Neimoidia instead of being
stuck out here in a rat-hole in the middle of nowhere.”

GO –
“Riiiight… Mothma… I didn’t catch that at first. That must suck,
being the daughter of the big shot…”

JM – “I mean,
20 years ago, Mom was a senator, we lived on Coruscant and we had
everything! Then she decided to start a rebellion and the whole
family has to get dragged around the universe.”

GO – “Exactly!
We had, like, 20 servants in our house on Carida. Then my mother
married some shifty cloud miner and sent me off to live with my
idiot uncle on Shelkonwa. Next thing you know, I’m dumped off at
the Imperial Naval Academy and getting my butt kicked by wannabe
stormtroopers for the next 5 years. Families suck.”

(Momentary
pause in conversation)

GO – “Ah well,
we all do what we can. Can I ask you something?”

JM – “Why
not.”

GO – “Vader’s
had a bug up his ass about some kid named Skykicker or Cloudtalker
or something… Is it true that it’s his son? I guess the Emperor is
absolutely furious over this kid blowing up the Death Star and
Vader’s ass is on the line… big time!”

JM – “Is it
now? I hadn’t heard that story. I hear about him all the time. Of
course it’s all I ever hear from that stuck-up bitch Leia Organa.
Luke this, Luke that
… blerrrrgh. Mr. Dreamy! Enough already.
Y’know?”

GO – “Oh yeah,
it’s all the officers talk about lately. You’d think it was the
Geonosian gladiator games or something. It’s ridiculous. Though it
is nice to think that somebody is giving that shovel-headed A-hole
some grief.”

JM – “Well,
let’s get something on paper before we get carried away trading
secrets, shall we?”

(Primary
recording device re-activated)

JM -
“Everything seems in order here, Mr. Ozzel. You’ll start in
drainage and waterworks on our secret base on Clak’dor VII, in the
Colu system, Mayagil sector…”

GO – “Aren’t
all the bases ‘secret’?”

(Shared
laughter)

JM – “You’ll
be at pay level 7 and receive standard benefits and leave time.
Just sign here.”

GO – “I just
wish I could see the look on the ol’ Dark Lord’s face when he see’s
my resignation notice on his desk…”

JM – “You
didn’t…”

GO – “Oh no, I
didn’t mention anything to anyone about this. Just left him a
little present. Courtesy of his Gamorrean pals…”

(Giggling)

JM – “You are
terrible! That is just nasty! Remind me not to get on your bad
side, Mr. Ozzel.”

GO – “I told
you, call me Gene.”

JM – “Well,
thanks for coming in Gene, it was very nice to meet you. Glad we
can get you out from under the Empire’s… thumb.”

(Shared
laughter)

(Primary
recording device deactivated. Interview terminated.)

*** STAR WARS
and its characters and terminology are TM & © Lucasfilm
Ltd.

This work of
fiction is intended purely as satire.***

Axel Howerton
is usually described, in order of import, as: Badass Dad. Attendant
Hubby. Author. Film/Music/Book reviewer. Coffee Addict. Ovalteen.
Time Lord. Bookhouse Boy. Dudeist. Sox National. Ink Monkey.

Best known for
his work as an entertainment journalist, Axel is the former
long-time Managing Editor of
www.eyecrave.net
, where he is
still a contributor and general pain-in-the-ass. Axel also recently
acted as Associate Editor for the first four issues of the horror
fiction quarterly
Dark Moon Digest
, and is the co-founder of
the annual online horror-author "fest"
Coffin Hop.
His story
Hum is featured in the anthology
A Career Guide To Your Job In
Hell
, alongside the likes of Scott Phillips, Robert Vardeman
and Victor Milan. Axel is currently working on several projects for
various anthologies and magazines, as well as putting the finishing
touches on his novel,
Hot Sinatra
, which will be released in
2012. He is Editor-in-Chief of the upcoming
Coffin Hop 2012
anthology, and has a dark fantasy/sci-fi project in the works with
Red Tash, author of
This Brilliant Darkness
.

Axel spends
most of his time in Calgary, Alberta, braving the frigid tundra,
and rampaging sasquatch tribes, of Canada – usually two steps
behind his two brilliant young sons and a wife that is way out of
his league.

Connect with
Axel online:

Twitter:
@AxelHow

Goodreads:
www.goodreads.com/axel_howerton

Smashwords:
www.smashwords.com/profile/view/AxelHowerton

Amazon:
www.amazon.com/Axel-Howerton

Facebook:
www.facebook.com/Thee.Axel.Howerton

Or visit him at
www.axelhowerton.com

COMING SOON

April, 2012

An Iniquitous
Tomes Book

Copyright ©
2012 Axel Howerton

Cover art by
Eye Crave Productions © 2011

Visit the
author on the web at
www.axelhowerton.com

This ebook is
licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be
re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share
this book with another person,please purchase an additional copy
for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not
purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please
return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.

Thank you for
respecting the hard work of this author.

Living Dead at
Zigfreidt & Roy

(Originally published in a different form as “Blood on the
Strip” in
Dark Moon Digest
#3
, 2011)

© 2011 Axel
Howerton

His Dark
Flag

(Originally published on
Every
Writers Resource: Short Stories
, December
2011)

© 2011 Axel
Howerton

Henry Rollins
and the Better Butter Bacon Burger

© 2011 Axel
Howerton

Rosie's
Chicken & Biscuits

(Originally published on
Fires on
the Plain
, April 2012)

© 2012 Axel
Howerton

Dark Side of
the Flush

© 2009 Axel
Howerton