Jonathan's Hope (9 page)

“Yeah,” Jonathan responded, “yeah, I think I’d like that, but I don’t think I have anything to wear...”

“Have a look in the closet. All the stuff to the left was Sean’s. You’re about the same size, especially if you gain back the weight you lost. Take whatever you want, and if you don’t find anything, take anything that’s mine. After your birthday, we can go shop for some clothes for you. Whatever you need, okay?”

Jonathan nodded, and took off towards to bathroom while Dan cleaned up the kitchen. Rascal could barely wait for the two men to get done with their ridiculous morning rituals. After all, he had some urgent business to conduct. As always, happy to get out of the house, to smell the snow and run around it, chasing shadows and any bird that flew in his path.

Jonathan found a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt in the closet and was happy that they almost fit him. He loved the warm parka that Sean bought for cold winter days. It was lined with soft rabbit fur, and the cotton beanie and mittens he borrowed kept his hands warm. He wasn’t very excited about going out into the cold, but he couldn’t refuse Dan’s request, not again, not for a second day. Besides, Dan was right. Some fresh air would do him good, so would walking and moving his muscles again. Sadly, Sean’s brand new boots were several sizes too large for him, but they made it work. Dan gave Jonathan three extra pairs of socks to put on, and in the end, he finally felt somewhat stable in the boots, making both men laugh. Rascal just watched them, desperate to pee...

The weather outside was beautiful, every tree covered in snow, every branch carrying a load of the white stuff. The lake was barely visible, the shoreline just a faint line. Dan had to lead Jonathan to make sure he didn’t accidentally walk out on the ice that undoubtedly would still be too thin to carry any real weight. They circled the entire lake, taking way more than an hour, because they literally had to make their own trail through the snow, careful not to trip over any hidden rocks or roots. Rascal had the time of his life, and was exhausted when they returned to the house. Dan offered to make hot chocolate, but noticed, to his chagrin, that he was all out.

“Hey, Jon, we’re fresh out of hot chocolate, and I get anxious when I look at my fridge. Given your appetite, I doubt I’ll be able to cook a decent meal.” Dan chuckled, amazed at the appetite his visitor had displayed, not that he was surprised really. “Mind if I leave you alone for an hour or two, while I go out grocery shopping?”

Jon looked at him with a look of terror and surprise. “But you are coming back, right?”

“Silly.” Dan gave him a hug. “Of course, I’m coming back. This is my house, remember? I live here. I was just thinking since you didn’t want to come along earlier...”

“No, that’s fine,” Jonathan cut in, “I’ll tag along. I’d rather be with you than alone out here.”

Dan simply shrugged. “Fine, whatever. Let’s go.” Secretly, he was happy about Jonathan’s change of heart.

They put Rascal in the back of Dan’s SUV and set off, Dan glad that his vehicle was able to operate in those conditions. He was in a bit of a hurry because he didn’t want to come back to the house after dark, not in that snow. Jonathan sat silently in the passenger seat. For the first time in over two weeks, he was about to leave the great forest and go back into civilization. He was both scared and excited. He felt all kinds of weird things, but somehow, sitting next to Dan made it okay. Not that Dan looked very calm right at that instant, focusing hard on staying on the small forest road that would take them the few miles to the edge of the forest to the main road.

From there, they would have to drive roughly ten miles to the nearest town for their groceries. The trip seemed to take forever with Dan having to drive very slowly, very carefully, in the deep snow. There were a few times when Jonathan wanted to return, just get out of the car and run back to the house. The thought of being alone in the forest convinced him otherwise.

When they reached the perimeter of the forest, after a good hour’s drive, Dan looked over at Jonathan. “Are you ready for this?” The faintest nod from Jonathan was good enough for Dan as he steered the car onto the paved road, heading east.

They passed the intersection to the city, sending a chill down Jonathan’s spine, which didn’t go unnoticed by Dan. “You okay, Jon?” He was worried. Jonathan’s face looked drained of blood, and he was visibly shaking. Dan put his hand on Jonathan’s thigh, instantly calming him. “You can do this. It’s okay. I’m right here, okay? And Rascal’s in the back. We got you covered, all right?” Jonathan sat silently, his lips pressed together into a thin line.

The grocery store in town was your typical countryside supermarket, with a bit of everything for sale. From hardware to clothes to food, you could get almost anything just not much of a selection for each type. Dan sometimes longed for the store where he and Sean used to buy their groceries in town. The deli section stocked ten different varieties of roast beef, or all the foreign specialties, from Italian to Mexican to Japanese. They had even found snail shells in one of the aisles one day. They laughed, wondering how they would have to coerce the snails into moving into their houses, before being cooked. That was one product they never bought. Out here, there was bread, but not the sourdough variety he was used to from the city, just plain old-fashioned white bread. And there was milk, but not the organic stuff they would have bought in the city, which he found weird given they were in the middle of farm country. And the eggs were just eggs, labeled as such and Dan had no idea if they were organic, free range or from industrial production.

Oh well, I don’t think Jonathan cares about that right now.
They bought hot chocolate and coffee. Plenty of coffee. Dan explained to Jonathan the difference between Columbian and Kenyan coffee, highland from lowland, dark roast to light roast.
At least they have more than one sort of coffee
. Jonathan finally decided on a dark roast Columbian highland blend. They bought some tea for Dan and, while Jonathan was busy looking at the assortment of breakfast cereals, Dan grabbed some flour, sugar and other baking ingredients, smuggling frosting mix and twenty of those tiny birthday candles into the shopping cart, hoping that Jonathan wouldn’t see them.

He thought of buying Jonathan a gift, but decided against it, figuring they would return tomorrow anyway, and he would buy him some clothes at the local mall instead. He still had a couple of copies of his latest book at home, the book he wrote after Sean’s death, the one about the impact of farming on global warming that he had published a couple of months earlier. He still had the very first copy off the print press at the house. He would give that to Jon instead, as a stand-in gift. That way, maybe, just maybe, Jon wouldn’t notice the candles or the frosting.

Dan was lucky and Jonathan didn’t notice. He was too preoccupied reading the papers’ front pages as they approached the cashier, seeing if he would find anything about himself, or his parents, but there was nothing, of course.

Jonathan sat quietly during the ride back to the house, oddly disappointed that no one had asked any questions about him being with a stranger on a school day. No one bothered to find it the least bit curious that Dan was in the company of another man. Yet, while he found those things curious, Jonathan was relieved as well. It was as if they were just another couple out there, shopping for groceries.
Couple, yeah right, getting ahead of ourselves again, are we?
He snarled at himself, quietly. Dan made it perfectly clear that he was a child and wasn’t ready. Dan still loved Sean, not him. He couldn’t allow himself to read anything into a bit of morning wood and a hug. Besides, they had only known each other for a couple of days. Love? That would take time, even under the best of circumstances.

Dan was pleased with himself. Pleased with having been able to smuggle the ingredients for the birthday cake past Jonathan, pleased he was able to buy him fresh coffee, and pleased with the way Jonathan had conducted himself out in public. Given all the traumatic experiences he had been through, Dan didn’t really know what to expect. He didn’t read anything into the silence, it was what he was used to. Besides, Dan needed to focus again once they left the main road and took a right onto the snow-covered dirt road that would take them back to the cabin. At least this time he could follow the tracks he left a couple hours earlier, and it only took thirty minutes to cover the distance to the house. Rascal, for one, was happy to get out of the car, bouncing around in the snow, chasing his own tail, round and round, barking happily.

Jonathan threw a couple of snowballs, and Rascal dashed after them. Dan took the opportunity to put away the groceries, happy for the chance to hide the candles in the top cupboard in the kitchen, hoping Jonathan wouldn’t go look for anything there. Then, he put on a kettle of water for his tea and brewed some fresh coffee, having thrown away Sean’s old coffee, for Jon.

Sean. Jon.

It struck Dan that he had just casually discarded a piece of his lover. Just thrown away one of the last tethers back to the man he had known, alive, vibrant. The passionate lover, the coffee aficionado, or addict, as Dan had thought. He had just thrown away the last coffee that Sean had ever bought. Strangely, it didn’t really bother him. Quite the contrary. He was rather excited about offering Jonathan fresh coffee, real coffee, to show him the difference it would make, knowing that Sean would have been proud to show the young man the secrets to good coffee.

Dan held up for a while, looking out the window, watching Jon play with Rascal by himself, apparently no longer scared to be outside on his own. Good.

And when did you decide to call him Jon? Did you even consider how he might react to that? Some people don’t like being called nicknames.

Dan had always been Dan. When he met Sean, he introduced himself as Dan, and it had taken a few more dates before Daniel Timothy Jackson had revealed his full name to Sean. Sean, on the other hand, was simply Sean Smith, which of course both found hilarious, SS,
Schutzstaffel
, nice acronym. But no, Sean had never been teased about it.
Lucky bastard!

When both tea and coffee were ready, Dan called for Jonathan, barely able to contain his eagerness for Jon to try his first real black, fresh coffee. He wasn’t about to be disappointed as Jonathan reveled in the aroma rising from the cup. The entire house smelled of coffee, and when he took his first sip, the look on his face was priceless. Dan looked at Jonathan, looked into his big green eyes, with those long eyelashes, eyes that reminded him of Bambi, and smiled, falling...

Shit! I’m in trouble!

Jonathan didn’t notice. He was in heaven, smelling the aroma of the coffee, this most adult of all beverages. The one prize he had always been denied by his parents and Mary’s mother alike. He was finally cherishing what it meant to drink a real cup of freshly brewed black coffee, unadulterated by such things as sugar or milk, and he savored every second, every nose full, every sip.

Jonathan felt content. The trip to town had gone well. He was wearing clean clothes, and they bought some shaving stuff for him. He hated looking like a bum, and was looking forward to a long shower, removing that last reminder of his ordeal. Dan had also bought some more dressing and salve for his wounds, which had once again started to heal nicely. All in all, Jonathan was content to be where he was right then. He could even describe himself as happy. He noticed the candles that were in one of the grocery bags that Dan tried to keep out of his line of sight. There was even cause to look forward to his birthday tomorrow. He had never had a birthday cake before as they were considered girly by his father. Instead, he would usually get an extra beating on birthdays. “To remind you that you’re about to become a man...” his father used to say.

Dan, of course, hadn’t noticed that Jonathan saw the candles. The man had been so kind to him and Jonathan didn’t want to destroy his illusion of a surprise, noting how carefully he tried to hide them from him. Jonathan also noticed that Dan had started to call him Jon. No one had ever called him Jon before. His parents barely addressed him and neither had anyone in school, not his few friends, not Mary, never. He liked it. It was as if it was a bond to Dan of some sort. As if he belonged to Dan as long as he’d be called Jon. That, he could live with. There was no time to worry about the future, not right now. He would worry about that after tomorrow, after his birthday was over, when he would finally be the master of his own destiny. After a couple more days to relax, to enjoy getting up in the morning without hurting, to be able to go to bed without fresh wounds, and without the pain of a fresh beating.

Besides, in ten days it’d be Christmas.

That brought Jonathan back to reality as he contemplated the upcoming holidays and the fact that he had no money. He didn’t have a cent to his name. He wouldn’t even be able to buy Dan a gift...

DAN WOKE UP
early the next morning with Jon’s body heat behind his back. The feeling was oddly familiar, soothing, comforting. It felt so good that he really didn’t want to get up, but it was Jon’s eighteenth birthday and there was a cake to be baked, things to be prepared.

Dan had hardly slept that night, unable to set the alarm clock, since he didn’t want to wake Jonathan. Instead, he stayed up almost all night, dozing off every now and then, of course missing the moment when Jonathan moved over to him, spooning him at some point that night. His right arm was safely tucked over him, holding him. He had woken up a little later, noticing the change, relishing it.

He carefully lifted Jon’s arm off from himself, extracted himself from under him and tucked Jonathan back under the covers, kissing him gently on the forehead before he quietly left the bedroom. Taking Rascal with him, he closed the door behind him. He would have to be really quiet as he really didn’t want to wake Jonathan, not before he was ready.

This, of course, meant no electrical appliances, not for the dough, not for the frosting. Dan hadn’t baked a cake since, oh, what was it, he pondered, right, Sean’s twenty-fifth birthday, three years earlier, just after he graduated and got the job as a lawyer at the firm. Dan wanted to do something special for him then so he baked a cake. He had screwed up royally by using too much salt. A pinch of salt is a pinch, not a spoon full. The cake had been beautiful, they probably could have hung it up on the wall since it wasn’t edible. Sadly, they only realized that after tasting it when it would no longer do as artwork. Dan chuckled at the memory.

Sean had been so good about it. They had laughed together and then Sean took him out to a café where they ate cake instead. It had been a great birthday, despite the salt, simply because they were happy. Because they were together.

But not today. No salty mishaps today...
I’ve learned that lesson.

In the bedroom, Jonathan had been awake since the very second Dan lifted his arm off his body. Jonathan slept lightly most of the time, and somehow, secretly, he had hoped that now, now that he was finally an adult, a man, Dan would take the next step. Maybe kiss him, maybe touch him, maybe love him. Nothing happened. Sure, he was kissed on his forehead, sending silent shivers down his spine, but that was it. So he pretended to sleep while listening to Dan leave the bedroom and work in the kitchen. He knew that there was probably a surprise in the making, so he lay still and waited. Jonathan relished in the thought that there was a person who cared so much about him that he would make him breakfast in the bed, or something like that. Whatever it was, it had never happened to Jonathan before, and that alone was the best birthday present ever.

After lying in bed for a while, alone, missing the warmth from Dan’s body, his smell, Jonathan felt his bladder crying for attention. He got up quietly and went to the bathroom. When he was done, he thought he might as well shower and get ready. He really wanted to shave and get rid of those last remnants of his forest ordeal. Jonathan had never been a big fan of beards or mustaches, and given that he barely had any facial hair to speak of, his current growth made him look like an overgrown child. His hair was too thin, too light to ever form a shadow on his face.
Might as well get rid of it.

Dan was shocked when he heard the toilet flush and then the shower being turned on. He had barely gotten the cake in the oven. Fuck! Luckily, it seemed as if Jonathan was taking his time, allowing Dan to get the coffee going, and prepare breakfast, not in bed though. That option was now out of the question with Jonathan up already. Instead, he quickly picked up the book he wanted to give him, wrapped it, then set the table. He was done by the time he heard the shower go quiet in the bathroom.

Sadly, his surprise cake was still in the oven, still needing a good half hour before it would be ready.
Oh well, it’s a small house. It’s difficult to keep a surprise from anyone in here
. Just as he pondered that thought, Jonathan opened the bedroom door. Rascal jumped at him, happy to see his latest friend, this new member of his pack. Losing Sean had been hard not only on Dan, but on the dog as well. Sean had been the one to pick the puppy from the pound. Sean had been the one to train him, hoping to use the dog for hunting, quickly realizing that Rascal was too much afraid of guns, leaving him with Dan as he had gone hunting. Rascal had been hurting after Sean died, not really understanding why his pack leader disappeared. Rascal could still smell him to this day, in so many ways, in so many places around the house. Even to the dog, having Jonathan around was a good thing. Dan was happier, Rascal was happier, the spirits in the house were definitively up.

Dan walked over to Jonathan and hugged him. “Happy birthday, Jon. Happy birthday. You’re all grown up now. How does that feel?”

No kiss?
Jonathan was just a tinge disappointed.
Did I read him wrong? Does he not like me?
The thoughts were running through his mind despite the warm, strong hug he was caught in.

“It feels good, although not much different from yesterday, to be honest.” His voice displayed a little bit of the disappointment over Dan’s lack of response to him being legal.
You can have me now. Why don’t you?
The thought was lost on Dan.

“Hey, listen, um, I’m not quite done with breakfast here...” Dan trailed. “Would you mind taking Rascal for his morning walk? I need about 20 more minutes, please?” Dan looked into Jonathan’s green eyes, seeing a longing, seeing something, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was he saw there. Jonathan nodded and smiled. He got dressed and took Rascal on his morning walk. By the time they got back, the table looked the way Dan had intended it to look. The cake in the middle, frosted in white, eighteen lit candles placed on top and all around it the neatly placed trimmings of a great birthday breakfast. Eggs, bacon, sausage, bread, jams, marmalade, and on the kitchen counter, the coffee was waiting, filling the house with that amazing aroma that Dan had come to associate, first with Sean, now with Jon.

Jonathan teared up when he walked in and saw the table with Dan standing behind it, a big smile on his face, pointing with both arms to the table to welcome him. “Now I’m ready. Have a seat, Jon. Happy Birthday!”

“Wow, that looks beautiful. Thank you so much. I’ve never had cake for my birthday before!” he said, smiling, wiping a tear from his cheek. Dan was shocked. What kid doesn’t get to celebrate his birthday? What kind of monsters had raised Jonathan? How had he survived? Jonathan noticed that his friend’s face had faltered, the happy expressions replaced by frowns and a thoughtful look that expressed wonder, anger and what else? There was something else there. Yes, disgust.

“You have to blow out the candles, Jon. That’s traditional...” Dan said, pulling out a chair for Jonathan. “I know that, Dan,” Jonathan replied, laughing. “I may never have had a birthday cake of my own, but I am not from Mars, you know. When I turned ten, my mom bought me a cupcake with a little candle in it, just like these, and she asked me to blow it out and make a wish...” New tears welled up as he remembered that moment eight years ago when his mother had surprised him while his dad was working late. She snuck in the cupcake as a surprise for her big boy, and had to admonish him not to say anything, ever, to his father. Jonathan hadn’t cared, he was just happy, looking at the small flame burning before him, as his mom held out the cupcake in her hands, a few inches from his face. “Come on, blow it out!” she had said, but he just couldn’t. He marveled at the light, the flickering of the flame. It was so beautiful, he didn’t want it to end. So for what seemed like the longest time, mother and son looked at the flame, looked at the little candle as it burned down far too quickly. In the end, just before it was too late, Jonathan closed his eyes and blew it out. His mother hugged him tightly, wishing him a happy birthday, whispering into his ear, barely audible. “I’m so sorry, my boy, so sorry. I love you!”

It had been the only time he could remember that his mom had been so affectionate with him. The only time he remembered her ever saying that she loved him. He didn’t really understand why she was sorry. He didn’t understand that the beatings he received at the hands of his father were anything but common place. Jonathan thought that all kids were hit by their fathers. That this was the way things were supposed to be. It was so normal, that it never even struck him to ask his friends about it. Because, after all, only fools would ask the obvious, right?
Do you eat at your house? Do you breathe at your house? Does your father hit you every day?

Jonathan closed his eyes and blew out the candles, wishing his mom happiness. When he opened them again, he noticed he had missed one candle, and blew it out to the clapping of Dan’s hands. He felt a cold shiver run down his spine.
I hope I didn’t jinx anything.
“Did you make a wish? Don’t tell me what it is.” Dan laughed, happy that his surprise had, almost, worked out.

They sat down and Jonathan noticed the present on his plate. “For me?”

“Sure, anyone else turn eighteen today?” Dan laughed again, obviously pleased with himself. “This is just a small, symbolic gift. I’ll buy you your real birthday present in town today. Seems you could use some boots, right? Boots that actually fit you without three pairs of extra socks?”

“Dan, you don’t have to do that for me. I, I...” Jonathan trailed, fresh tears welling up from some place inside him he couldn’t quite trace. “You are so kind to me already, offering me a place to stay, offering me your friendship. I don’t need anything else. I could never repay you...”

“Jon, listen,” Dan cut him off, “this is your birthday, and from what I’ve gathered, you’ve never had a real birthday before. Now I can’t get you friends, I can’t organize a party, but please, Jon, please let me do this for you. These past few days have been the best days since...” Dan had to swallow before he continued, sensing how his own emotions were about to boil over. “You showing up at my doorstep was the best thing that’s happened to me since Sean died. Now I told you that I don’t know what life has in store for us. I don’t want to rush things. You may be legally an adult now, but you’re only one day older than yesterday. It’ll take me a while to get used to that. I like you, I..” his voice trailed again. “I like you a lot, as a matter of fact. It’s only been a few days, but already I can’t imagine you not being here, not being with me, waking up alone. Now I don’t really know what this means, and I ask you to be patient, to trust me, okay?” He looked over to Jonathan, stretched out his hand to grab Jonathan’s, to imprint his thoughts onto him, directly, making sure he was heard. “And, um, listen, money is not really a problem, okay? I mean, I do have to work, but I’m doing okay. My books sell well, and I still have some of Sean’s money.” Jonathan looked up at him, not understanding what he meant.

“Well, when he died, when Sean died, he had this insurance policy. It wasn’t a lot of money, he’d only had it a couple of years, but he bequeathed that to me, along with his half of the cabin. Believe me, I am fine. So if I want to buy you a pair of boots, please let me do that for you.” Dan was pleading. Jonathan was stunned, then he noticed how Dan cocked his head slightly, smiling at him. “Besides, you don’t look like you can afford to buy your own boots right now anyway...”

Jonathan smiled back. The way Dan said it implied no malevolence, no sarcasm. He just stated the obvious, flashing him a smile that made his knees feel like melted butter.

With nothing left to say, and plenty to think about, the two men ate their breakfast mostly in silence, interrupted only by the odd request to pass something across the small table.

After breakfast, topped with a slice of birthday cake, Dan showered while Jon, he had insisted on it, took care of the dishes. Then they packed Rascal into the Jeep and headed into town to the mall. Jonathan bought a pair of boots and some underwear and socks. It had felt slightly odd wearing Sean’s boxers. They weren’t his thing, and they were too big for him. Sean’s trained physique and broader shape allowed him wear a size larger than Jonathan. And he’d had bigger feet. Then there was the odd feeling of wearing a dead man’s clothes. It wasn’t a huge thing, considering he didn’t have anything else to wear. But still, to wear a dead man’s shorts was not his favorite thing. Fortunately, Dan agreed. Instead, he bought a few pairs of briefs, the type he had been wearing all his life, and socks that didn’t leave an inch left at his toes. Sean must’ve had huge feet...

They had lunch in town at an Italian restaurant. Jonathan could barely remember when he had last been at a restaurant for food. It had been a rare thing in his life, but every now and then his father had taken him and his mom out, either because the owner was a client, or because they would meet a client or colleagues. They hardly ever went out alone, just the three of them.

It was a relief to be out and about again. To be alive and among other people, especially since Jonathan didn’t have to worry about being caught, about being dragged back to his parents any more. Yet he wondered how they were doing. If his mom was all right and if she was missing him. Something in him certainly did miss her, and Mary, and school.

The drive back to the house was quiet. Jonathan was lost in thoughts about his life, his future, and Dan didn’t want to pry. He could only imagine, from some of the things he had shared during lunch, that there must be plenty of stuff going through Jonathan’s mind. He would talk to him if he needed to. For now, all he could do was be there.