Inconsequential (J+P series) (9 page)

Chapter 17

The next few weeks went on without much notice.   Molly was sitting by Jared every chance she had.  It seemed she had acquired a taste for him and was trying to win his attention.  I had hoped that it would not be another Tara incident.  I couldn’t escape Molly, she was my roommate.  Maybe Jared would be as oblivious to Molly as he was to me.  David found a new girl in the dorm and they quickly became a couple.  There was no awkwardness between us and I was grateful for that.  Greg and I were slowly bantering our way back to a solid friendship again.

I hadn’t touched another drop of alcohol since that awful night and focused all my attention on my studies.  I was still struggling with my chemistry and calculus and was beginning to think I might be looking at a major change for next year.  My parents hadn’t threatened me in a long time so I felt hopeful that they would keep me at the university and not pull me out to place me in Community College.

The sun was staying in the sky more each day and we found ourselves studying in the grass between classes to soak up what rays we could.  Molly was growing more distant from me and I caught her hanging out in the Jared and Greg’s room several times.  It WAS becoming a Tara thing.  We had three weeks left of school and I did not have the time or energy to find out if she was doing it to spite me or because she truly felt feelings for Jared. 

Thursday afternoon our phone rang.  We didn’t get many calls during that time of day so I had no idea who it could be.

“Perry, it’s Mom.”

“Oh, hi Mom.  Why are you calling now?  You usually call at night.”

“I know, but I had some great news and had to share it with you.  Are you sitting down?”

I had no idea where she was going with this.  I had never gotten a phone call like this before from her and she’s never asked me to sit down for news.  “Yeah, actually, I am.  What’s the news?”  Maybe they had sent a letter approving me into the upper classes of the life science program.  I began to feel excited.

“Dear Perry, We are pleased to announce your acceptance into the College of Life and Biological Sciences at the University of Idaho.” She read out loud.  I was having a hard time believing my ears.  Sounded like a scam.  Why would there be an acceptance letter to a University I never applied to?  “Aren’t you so excited?!  You will be starting in the fall.”  I felt all the air leave my body and my hands were shaking.  The last time I felt this way was when I had fallen twelve feet down out of a tree and had gone into shock.

“I didn’t apply to Idaho.” Was all I managed.

“I know, we did.  See, now you don’t have to worry about your future.”  Tears, streaming down my face.  I honestly would have pursued any major at my current University to stay here.

“How far away is that?”

“I think 6 hours from here and 9 from your current college.”  All my friendships would be gone.  That was so far away and only Greg had a car.  No one would visit me.  I would be stranded in the middle of a farm field with no one I loved in sight.  Who would drive me home on breaks?

“You know, I looked into other majors and I found 2 that they offer here that really suit me.  I would make good money when I finished college.  I really want to stay here and pursue this.”

“Nope.  This is a done deal.  Do your best these last 2 weeks, and enjoy your summer.  You know, I thought you’d be happier about this, not ungrateful.”  She was getting mad.  However, I didn’t care how mad she got.  I felt like a damn puppet and she was pulling the strings.  My hopes, dreams, desires were all inconsequential.  I hung up the phone.  And then screamed and sobbed.  The phone rang 3 more times but I picked it up and slammed it down each time.  How could they do that to me?  Go behind my back and forge my signature, pretend to be me and apply there.  I ran to my desk and grabbed my knife.  I felt so much pressure in my chest, so much pain.  So much sorrow.  Each tear was trying desperately to free my body of the pain inside but there was too much pain for them to keep up with.  I pushed the knife into the side of my knee and dragged it up my thigh.  It wasn’t enough.  I put the knife along the same path but lower than the first cut and dragged it the same direction.  The pain was releasing from my body and if I pushed on the cuts it helped soothe me faster.  The tears still ran down my face.  I grabbed a Kleenex and dabbed at the cuts to get them to stop and I cleaned my blade.  I climbed into bed, skipped dinner, and pretended to sleep so I wouldn’t have to speak with anyone.  I was just trying to process this major change in my life. 

When I finally let sleep take me, I dreamt of the most terrifying boat ride through a canyon with rapids.  It took everything just to stay afloat and not be overcome by the water.  All of my friends from college were in the boat with me and they all had on life preservers.  I looked down and found I did not.  I wrapped my arm around the cord that encircled the boat, hoping to anchor myself to it.  The rapids were choppier but it looked like there was a break and calmer waters ahead.  We all braced ourselves but I was the only one looking terrified.  My blood was pumping so hard and silent prayers were uttered as I held on for my life.  But we navigated the rocky course and made it to the safer, calmer waters.  “My god, that was scary.”  I said.  All my friends were sitting back so casual as if they were watching a movie, not as if they had just survived a terrifying ride.  Several minutes passed and the boat began to pick up speed.  It was a gradual increase but I could feel it.  I looked ahead to see if I saw more rapids, but the waters looked clear.  “Maybe we could row over to the edge and catch our breath and eat some lunch?”  I suggested.  I was still buzzing with adrenaline and needed to collect myself.  No one replied, No one seemed to realize I was in the boat with them. Was I invisible?  The boat was now racing and the sound of swooshing water was now present.  I looked ahead again but the waters looked fine, except it seemed to end.  A waterfall.  “Guys, hey!  We’re coming up to a waterfall.  We have to steer to the edge.  Grab the oars!”  But no one heard me.  They were calm and relaxed and joking with each other.  I grabbed the oar and paddled frantically but the current was too strong.  We were going to go over despite my efforts.  We approached the edge and I felt so pissed off and scared all at once.  I had no effect on this stupid boat.  It didn’t matter what I did, I had no control of this situation and now my life was going to be over.  The boat began to slide off the edge and BEEP BEEP BEEP!

I sat straight up in bed in a panic and was searching all around for my friends, the shore, and oar...but all I found was a snoring Molly and the safety of my dorm room.  My adrenaline was still surging through me, better than 5 Diet Cokes trying to wake me up.  I hurried and got dressed.  Maybe my dream was trying to tell me that this is my life and I just have to go along for whatever journey it would take me on.  Two weeks left.  Then I would probably never see these people again.  At best I might hear from Jen and Mags over the summer, but boys sucked at keeping in touch, and Molly and I were at odds now.  I shut off my emotions and put up my walls.  I was good at that and it protected me emotionally.  I needed to make it 2 more weeks here.  I bet I could shorten it and get my parents to come down the next weekend to take some of my stuff back.  I could tell them I really needed peace and quiet to study for finals and needed to go home for the study session.  Then it would be just a week and a half.  I didn’t want to leave here and I didn’t want to leave these friends.  But I had no say or control over it.  All I could do now was protect myself and limit the amount of pain this change would cause me.

Chapter 18

We planned a farewell dinner at one of the nicer Italian restaurants on campus.  It was nice having everyone at the table, together for one last time.  This year we had been a little more disconnected as a group and seemed to do things as little groups amongst the large group, but tonight we were all here.  Jared was sitting next to me; Greg was across from me, Molly on one side of him and Jen on the other.  Molly grinning ear to ear.  She had annoyed me one last time by going on and on about Jared in our room before we left for the restaurant.  I spilt the beans and told her I would not be returning to this school next year.  Jared, Greg, all of them were hers now.  I was losing them all and she had them to herself.  It pissed me off but it was the truth.  She was so thrilled upon hearing the news.  I couldn’t be sure if she was thrilled I would be gone or that the boys would be all hers.  She looked as elated as someone crowned Prom Queen.  And here at the restaurant, she was a little Chatty Cathy.  I had never heard her say so much in anyone’s company other than my own.  I really didn’t understand when things began to change between Molly and me.  It must be centered on the guys, she had feelings for one of them and my guess was Jared.

Jared was messing with my foot under the table.  He tapped it with the side of his foot, and I pulled my foot away.  He didn’t know I was leaving for good yet, but this flirting wasn’t going to lead anywhere.  I tried to get in on Jen’s conversation about her summer job but felt Jared stretching his foot in search of mine.  I turned and looked him square in the eye.  He had a grin on his face.  My face, on the other hand, was saying “Would you stop already!”

“What?!”  Jared asked in an innocent voice.  Was he really going to pretend he wasn’t trying to play footsie with me?  Across the table Molly shot daggers at me.  I turned back to the menu and pretended to be thoroughly engrossed in the mushroom ravioli description.  I felt that foot bump against mine again and I heard a little snicker come from Jared’s direction.  Too little too late buddy was all I thought.  Maybe I needed to spin this as just friendly play and eliminate all the flirting.  I bumped his foot back.  He returned with snaking his leg around mine.  He was relentless. 

Fine.  No attention then.  I pretended he wasn’t there.  He could play with my foot or leg - no bother to me.  Maybe he would stop if I ignored him.  But dinner continued on with him being in contact with my body for the entire time.  If I looked a little too far his direction I would find him looking at me intently.  I just didn’t understand this.  We had like 4 days left of school and he was flirting like crazy with me.  It sucked.  For two years I would have done anything for this, and now that I couldn’t have him, he was approaching me.  Torture and despair,the story of my life.  No chance for happiness.  I put my head in my hands.  Dinner was wrapping up, I was going to need to tell my friends that I would not be returning to school, but I didn’t want to cry.  I was taking calming breaths and waited till the waitress cleared our plates away.

“Hey, you guys, I need to tell you something.”  They all stopped their conversations and Molly sat there looking at me with the biggest smile I had ever seen.  I wanted to slap her that grin off her face.  What I really wanted was for her to not be present.  This was a sad moment for me and I didn’t need her celebrating my misery.  “My mom called the other day and told me that I’m going to be going to a college in Idaho next year.  So these are my final 4 days on campus.”

There was a lot of commotion and various comments were spewing out from “What the hell?” “Holy Shit”, to “Nice joke Perry.”  I covered my face and felt the wetness forming in my eyes.  I wiped at them quickly.  They quickly realized I was speaking the truth.  They looked shocked.  None of us saw this coming. 

“What the hell!  You’ve worked your tail off Perry!  You deserve to stay!”  Jen was pissed.  I just nodded at her and appreciated her acknowledging my efforts.

“I’m so sorry, Perry.  That sucks and must be so hard to have to do.”  Mags was always level headed and sympathetic.  Greg threw his napkin down and left the table.

“That’s so shitty.  I hate your parents.  I haven’t even met them and I hate them.  Such bullshit.”  Jared was mad and shook his head in frustration.

Others were asking me about how long of a drive it would be to visit me, how long I’ve known, and promised they’d stay in touch.  I knew we all had different exam schedules so I told them I needed hugs tonight in case I didn’t get to see them again.  Everyone hugged me, except for Greg since he was nowhere to be found.  Jared told me he needed me to come to his room when we got back to the dorm.  I felt so sad inside, but from this point forward I needed to move forward.  I couldn’t change what was happening so I needed to make the best of it.

Back at the dorm I snuck in the guys’ side of the dorm and knocked on Jared and Greg’s door.  Jared answered and I expected Greg to be in there too, but he was not.  I walked into the room and Jared shut door behind me.  “Where the hell did Greg go?” I asked.

He grabbed my arm and turned me toward him.  He looked so serious and sad.  “I love you Perry.”

How do you respond to that?  I had loved this guy for 2 years.  He was an amazing friend who totally got me.   At one time I had wanted more, but it couldn’t be, we wouldn’t be. 

“I love you too,” was what I settled on. It was true; at the least I loved him as a person and a friend.  At times I loved him more. 

He closed the gap between us in one step and set his hands on my waist.  And then he kissed me.  The kiss I had wanted for 2 years was happening.  I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the love, passion, and care that were communicated in that kiss.  Jared was amazing.  He was such a genuine and kind soul.  I really did love him.  We finally broke apart and I was speechless.  I had no idea where to go with this.  It shouldn’t go forward because it wouldn’t last past these 4 days.  We’d lose touch over the summer and in the fall I would be 8 hours away from him.  Impossible to keep anything alive between us.  I couldn’t even figure out a relationship when I lived in the same town, it couldn’t work being long distance.

He smiled at me, “I had been waiting to do that.”  I rolled my eyes and snickered.  I didn’t mean to dismiss him, but it felt like such a line.

“What?!”  He laughed. 

“Nothing.  Just, I’m not sure what to do with this now.  I mean I’m leaving in 4 days.”

“Yeah, I’m kinda pissed about that.  Of course maybe it was what I needed to stop taking so long to kiss you.”

“Thanks.  I’m pretty pissed too for what it’s worth.  I came so close to making it here and I even had a backup major planned out.”

“Well, why aren’t you pursuing that?”

“I want to, but it’s a done deal already.  Besides, how would I qualify for financial aid on my own when my parents already have financial aid taken out on me for the other school?  Honestly, they thought I would be so happy when they told me on the phone.  Instead, I felt like someone hit me in the gut with a baseball bat.  I couldn’t breathe.”

“Listen, I’m gonna come visit you this summer.  You only live three hours away.”

In my mind all I could think was “three hours is a long car ride.  I’ll be lucky to see him 2-3 times this summer.” Stupid pessimistic thoughts.

“And I’ll write.  It’s gonna be fine.”  I smiled but a tear fell from my eye.  He grabbed it on his finger.  “You’re so beautiful when you cry, but don’t cry.  It’s gonna be fine.” 

“And then after summer?”  My brain would not stop bombarding me with negative thoughts. 

“We’ll figure it out,” he said confidently.

“Molly is pretty excited about my departure.  I think she has a thing for you.”

“Molly?”  He asked surprised.  “No thanks.  Not interested.” 

“Well, she’s excited to have you guys to herself.”

“I don’t know why.  She’s not you, when you leave, she will not replace you.  No one can replace you.”

That made me smile.  Molly was indeed a lot different than me but she had been making efforts to adopt my style and ways lately and I worried she would slip in and try to be me in my absence.  I’d rather there just be an absence in place of me.

We hugged and kissed a shorter, sweeter kiss.  “Let’s eat dinner every night together this week before you leave, ok?”

“Sure.”

“It’s gonna be fine Perry.  I wish I would have figured my feelings out sooner, but I’m gonna make this work,”  he kissed my head and escorted me out.

“Goodnight Jared.” I said as I walked toward the girl’s side.

I walked back to my room with such mixed emotions.  I was elated Jared said he loved me and kissed me.  I was thrilled that he had no interest in Molly.  I was depressed that I only had 4 days left and that Jared and I would be over before we begun.

I wondered how different the evening would have gone had I not been leaving at the end of the week.  I wondered if Jared would have confessed his feelings for me or if we would have finished our college years playfully flirting but never more than friends.