In Love With A Cowboy (BWWM Romance) (7 page)

My dad had gotten drunk one night, worse than the other nights. He’d had so much to drink none of us had understood how he could still be standing upright. He’d hit my mother, and Dean had grabbed his hand, knocking him to the ground. We were seventeen, both old enough and big enough to take him on.

But there was something psychologically scary about a drunk that dominated you your whole life. When my dad staggered to his feet again after that, we knew we had to run. We’d fled, and both of us had climbed the old oak tree. My dad wouldn’t have been able to get into it in his state, no matter how steady he looked on his legs.

We’d climbed all the way to the top where the plank had been fastened. It had been our version of a tree house and we’d spend nights up there in the summer.

Dad had known just as well as we had that he couldn’t get up there, but that hadn’t stopped him. A drunk person was bat shit crazy, and he’d gotten it in his head we had to be punished. So he found the axe and started chopping it down. We’d stayed up there as long as we could, but we had to get down at some point if we wanted to survive the fall.

By the time we’d gotten down, my dad had been exhausted and the alcohol had finally knocked him out. But he’d destroyed our tree, and the happy memories of my childhood with it.

I walked around the old farm house to the back door. We’d left the farm after that. Mom hadn’t left him, but Dean and I had moved to an apartment in town. We’d never looked back. When they’d died in a car crash , a drunk driver had hit them in an ironic twist. I felt so bad for my mother, but what could I do? For my father I didn't feel anything.

It was terrible. I was terrible for feeling that way. But that was how things were. Dean and I were finally rid of a drunken tyrant. And my mom was finally free of the life she’d been forced to live with my dad who she refused to leave.

I shouldn’t have come to Cosmos Valley. I shouldn’t have come to Westham. I should have stayed in Houston where I could forget about my past and pretend like I didn’t have a dead beat father and a brother that was headed down the same road.

But he hadn’t headed down the same road. He’d had Jada for a little while, and she was wonderful. I could give her the kind of life Dean never would be able to. She deserved that.

I walked back to the horse and got on. Miles of empty fields lay behind the farmhouse, and it called to me. My horse felt it too, and he strained against me until I let him loose. He flew across the grass. The wind whipped around my face, numbing my skin and taking my breath away. If I could go fast enough, maybe I could outrun my past. Forget where I’d come from. But the horse slowed down, tired, and real life insisted I return.

The horse was a sweaty mess when I rode it back and the owner made a face, but I shrugged and got into my car. I drove to the sheriff’s office, not really feeling much better at all.

***

“Morning,” I said to the young man that sat behind the desk filing paperwork. He wore the brown law enforcement uniform Dean also wore, but he didn’t have the sheriff’s star and he looked like he was scared of his own shadow.

“I’m looking for Sheriff Dean,” I said.

“Today’s his day off. You’ll find him at home most likely. Or over at Jada’s.”

He jerked his thumb in the general direction of her café and I felt jealous and angry right away. I didn’t know what my face showed, but his face was guarded. I relaxed my hands that had clenched into fists involuntarily.

“Thanks,” I grunted and stomped out of the office. Dean’s place was just around the corner. I walked up the front door and hammered against it with a fist. When I stopped, the silence of the morning sung around me. I hammered again, feeling more and more upset with every second that passed without an answer.

I was just about to turn away when the door finally opened and Dean stood in front of me looking like hell. He wore boxers and a shirt with holes in it, and he squinted at me through narrow slits.

“Tanner? What time is it?”

I looked at my wristwatch.

“Nine,” I said flatly and pushed past him into the house. It was a mess with takeout containers lying on the floor and all over the kitchen table. Dishes were stacked high in the sink and it smelled like old socks. I didn’t care what was going on in his house. He wasn’t at Jada’s and that was all that mattered at this point. I couldn’t even try to imagine what it would be like with my dead beat brother sitting at her table.

“Put some coffee on, will you?” Dean mumbled and slumped into a chair, cradling his head like it was going to break. I got up and filled the kettle. I fiddled with the plug a couple of times before I realized I had to hold the switch down all the time for the kettle to actually boil.

“Don’t you earn enough to get a new one?” I asked with my finger on the switch until the water boiled.

“I usually just go out and buy the coffee,” he said. “Casa Bonita is just down the road and usually open when I get up.”

That got me back onto the thought of Jada.

“That’s a good woman,” I said softly. “What happened between you two?”

Dean grunted. “You know, what always happens with women. They’re just out to take everything away from you and tell you how to live. Before you know it she’s telling you what you’re allowed to drink and what you can’t drink.”

The kettle boiled and I could take my finger off the switch. I found two mismatching mugs that were still clean and scraped solidified instant coffee from the bottom of the tin. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t really a bad thing to ask him to stop drinking. Maybe if I’d been around I would have asked him the same. But nine years after becoming adults was too late for that.

“Were you still dating by the time you found out about Keisha?”

When I mentioned her name he looked up at me, glaring from underneath a frown.

“The waitress mentioned her when you left the café,” I added in case he was wondering why I was talking about his daughter like I knew her. After today, if I managed to say what I wanted to say, maybe he would understand that I did know her.

“She got pregnant after we were together for two years,” Dean said, leaning his head back and closing his eyes again. “She was the one that broke it off with me.” He sounded emotional for two seconds before he grunted. “Well, she did me a favor,” he added.

I took a deep breath.

“She’s a good woman,” I said again. I put the cup in front of Dean and he took a sip, making a face.

“You still make really crap coffee, you know that?”

“I also go out to buy mine,” I said, shrugging.

“Why are you here?” Dean asked like he only realized I was there now. “You haven’t really made an effort to have anything to do with this place in a decade. And now suddenly I’m seeing you every day?”

I sat down opposite him, and stirred my coffee. I didn’t want to make eye contact with him. I wasn’t sure how to start.

“Well, to be honest, I’m starting to like it here.”

“Place growing on you, huh? You didn’t say that when you ran away.”

“I didn’t run away,” I said. “You know that.”

“No, you just got sick of the people,” Dean said bitterly. I knew he meant himself, but I used the opportunity.

“Well, there are different people here now. It’s one of the reasons I want to stay.”

Dean looked at me, narrowing his eyes.

“Yeah? Which people?”

I took a deep breath. Now or never, right? That was how my life worked.

“I’ve been spending some time with Jada,” I said. Dean looked at me and grinned like I was joking. Odd sense of humor if I was. When I didn’t smile too, laugh, slap my knee, tell him I was joking, his smile drained out of his face and his watery blue eyes turned a shade brighter.

Rage was one way to kill a hangover.

“And when did you spend this much time with her?” Dean asked with a low voice.

“Now and then. We ran into each other a couple of times.”

“And you’re telling me this because you want to ask if you can date her?” His voice had turned dangerous, but to be honest I didn’t really fear him the way most people did. I’d seen worse, dad had been a heck of a lot scarier than he was. And I wasn’t intimidated by his badge, either. To me he would always be the idiot of a bigger brother that had been stupid enough to stay behind in the wake of destruction my parents had left behind.

“I’m not actually here to ask you for permission. No. I’m just telling you so you know what’s going on and who’s in your daughter’s life.”

Dean got up. He wobbled a bit, but his anger was a lot more stable than his legs and it held him up.

“You what?” He still wasn’t shouting.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair. I wasn’t relaxed, exactly, but I knew my brother well enough to know that if I stood up to his challenge, all hell would break loose.

“I’m in my daughter’s life,” he said and his voice was finally rising. “She doesn’t need anyone else.”

“To be honest, Dean, I don’t think you know that for sure. You’re hardly around to see what they’re going through.”

“Oh, and you’ve been around for so long that you know exactly what life is like here for us? You know exactly what a good dad is, because you’ve had so much experience? Tanner knows exactly what he’s talking about.”

He sneered the words, sarcasm oozing from him. I cringed at some of his words, but I wasn’t going to show it.

“You know, I have a hell of a good idea of what a dad shouldn’t be,” I said, not matching my voice to his. “And you know what, that’s a start.”

I got up and walked to the door, leaving half a cup of coffee on the table. The steam wasn’t curling out of it anymore, and the contents were lukewarm, a lot like I felt.

“I just thought I’d let you know,” I said and left the house.

“Did you let her know that you’re my brother?” he called after me, and my stomach sank to my shoes as I walked into the road. I pushed it away. I would tell her. It didn’t have to matter. I could be better than Dean, and it didn’t have to matter.

My phone rang in my pocket and I answered it as I walked.

“I just wanted to say hi,” Jada’s voice rang clear over the speaker. “I know I’m not supposed to be the one calling after… you know. But I just wanted to say… uhm… thank you for the wine.”

She was shy. It was cute. She’d phoned me and warmth spread inside of me.

“No, I’m glad you called. I was just about to do the same thing. It was only my pleasure. I’d like to see you again, sometime. If you would like. Both of you.”

She hesitated only a moment. When she spoke again her voice was smiling.

“I’d like that.”

Chapter 7 - Jada

The café suddenly picked up as time passed. More people dropped by, more crafts sold, and I made profit more often than not. It meant that after I had to pay my rent to Dean, what happened to child support being the other way around? I still had money left to take care of things like school fees and food. I didn’t have to ask Dean.

Tanner had only arrived a few weeks ago. Less than a few weeks later it had felt like he’d been in our lives forever. Keisha loved him. And I had to admit that I was really starting to develop serious feelings for him too. Tuesday evening Tanner phoned me while I was busy making pasta. I clamped the phone between my cheek and my shoulder, and stirred while I talked.

“I want to talk to you,” he said.

“Sounds serious,” I joked. When he didn’t answer with a joke, I got a hollow feeling in my stomach. “What about?”

“Can I come over?”

I swallowed and wondered if it had been loud enough for him to hear. My first reaction was no. He couldn’t come over. Not if he sounded this serious and he said he wanted to talk. Dean said things like that, and then it ended with him drunk, screaming at me about money in my own house and making Keisha cry.

But Tanner wasn’t Dean, I had to remember that. He was the exact opposite of Dean. I couldn’t keep expecting every man I met to be the nightmare of my first relationship.

“Sure,” I forced myself to say. “When would you like to come? If you hurry you can catch dinner.”

He hesitated for just a second, but it was long enough to make a knot of nerves settle in my gut.

“It’s spaghetti bolognese,” I added weakly. Why was I trying to convince him to come? Why was I willing to run into this blindly?