If You're Not the One (22 page)

‘I'm sorry,' she said, tears racing down her face. She briefly acknowledged that she really did have to address how much she was crying all the time.

He pulled her towards him so she was lying on his chest.

‘You're such an idiot,' he said quietly, his voice full of nothing but despair and love.

‘I know,' she blubbed.

Joe turned to face her and for a while they just stared at one another, saying nothing. Then he held her face in his strong warm hands and said, ‘After some of the things you've just said, I don't think there's anyone else on the
planet I would do this for, but as it's you I'm going to say it. Again. And then I'll say it again after that if I have to. I love you, Jennifer. I love you more than any other human being In this world. I want to be with you. And that's that. And I'm not him so please don't act as if I'd ever be as complacent or thoughtless as him because it makes me feel like a pile of shit.'

‘I'm sorry,' she said truthfully.

‘And accusing me of only being interested in “the chase” is just about one of the most insulting things you've ever said to me. I hate the fact you're married. I hate the fact that in order to be with me you've got to break up your family unit. In fact the only thing that enables me to cope with it is that I can see how unhappy he makes you. You once said to me that the two issues were almost separate and that you'd probably have left him anyway. So why now make me feel dreadful by making out you wouldn't?'

Jennifer felt wretched. How could she explain that in all truthfulness if it wasn't for Joe there was probably no way she'd leave, despite the awful state of the marriage. She simply wouldn't have the guts. Staying put would just be easier.

‘I'm sorry,' she muttered.

Joe shook his head despairingly. ‘Look, I know you'll be sacrificing a huge amount if you leave Tim but are they really the things that matter? I can't offer you five-star luxury and a designer wardrobe, but fuck me Jen, you
wouldn't be the woman I loved if that was all you were interested in. I will always look after you though and I am here to support you as much as I can in every way. I will take on those kiddies as my own and am prepared to sacrifice having ones of my own if it means being with you. But I am not going to sit here and beg you to leave. That has to be your decision. And if ultimately it comes to it and you tell me you don't want to, or that you can't, then I will understand. And I won't hate you. I will still love you but I will let you get on with it. I'll move back here and spend the rest of my days trying and failing to forget about you. But I will say this, and it's not a threat Jen, it's not, but I can't do this forever.'

‘Do what forever?' she asked, her heart pounding with fear. What was he saying?

‘Be in this state of limbo,' he replied simply. ‘Because it's not easy not knowing if you're going to lose your world from one day to the next. I know it's hard for you and I don't want to rush you but at the same time I'm not sure how much more I can take.'

Jennifer gulped and nodded to show she'd understood what he was saying. She had to make a decision soon. For all their sakes.

A couple of hours later they were back at the cottage. Joe had opened a bottle of red wine which they were getting through nicely and he'd also cooked a delicious
risotto with mushrooms and chicken and tons of parmesan cheese. Ensconced together, away from the rest of the world, they couldn't have been any happier than they were then, just being.

They ate in front of the telly, so that they could keep half an eye on an episode of
Don't Tell the Bride
. It was a particularly funny one because the groom was managing to get everything slightly wrong. By the time they'd got to the bit where the bride was about to discover what dress had been chosen for her, which they both suspected she'd hate, Jennifer and Joe had tears of mirth rolling down their faces. The two of them had been making a stream of sarcastic running commentary throughout the show and now, snorting with laughter, Jennifer managed to say, ‘OK, let's play “you look like a princess bingo”. Bet you any money someone's about to say it.'

Literally the second the words were out of her mouth, the mother of the bride started welling up on screen at the sight of her daughter in a cloud of satin (which the bride did indeed detest, having wanted something slim-fitting) and uttered the inevitable words, ‘Ooh you don't half look like a princess' at which point Joe laughed so violently he practically choked.

‘Noooo,' Jennifer wailed, doubled up almost in pain. ‘You've got to switch over,' she panted, ‘I almost can't handle this any more. Look at her face. She wants to kill her.'

Joe thumped his leg, trying to recover so he could
swallow the mouthful of risotto he was otherwise in danger of choking on. Once he had he said, ‘Bloody hell that was funny, Jen. You don't half make me laugh.'

Jennifer swelled with pleasure at the compliment. ‘Hey, if we were on this show, what kind of dress would you pick for me?'

Joe gave her a very strange sidelong glance, gathering the last bits of risotto onto his fork. ‘What do you mean?'

‘What kind of dress would you go for?'

‘I'm not marrying you,' he said, not unkindly but firmly, certainly as though he'd given the matter some thought. It wasn't the light-hearted response she'd been expecting.

Jennifer felt quite thrown. She'd only been joking. She wasn't proposing or anything. She was married for crissakes so getting married again was hardly something she was thinking about at this stage.

‘OK,' she said, trying not to look offended. She was surprised by how disappointed she felt that he didn't want to marry her.

Joe regarded her for a while, clearly weighing up whether or not to say anything else to go along with his very bald statement.

‘It's just you've done it all before,' he explained. ‘With him, so I don't see the point.'

Jennifer could be pretty astute when she wanted to be. Sat on the sofa, feet curled under her, she nodded but purposefully dropped the subject. Instead she turned her
attentions back to the TV. Then, a little later, once what he'd said had melted away into the atmosphere a bit, she got up and went to give him a cuddle which he was more than happy to receive. Inevitably the cuddle turned into kissing, which turned into groping and eventually resulted in full-blown passionate sex on the floor.

All the while they were having sex, touching each other with a real urgency, kissing, rubbing, licking and sucking one another into an emotion-fuelled frenzy, it was as if Jennifer had had an epiphany. For when Joe had told her he wouldn't marry her, strangely it had perhaps been the most revealing sign of how much he truly loved her. She would never forget how sad his face had looked and although on paper his words didn't seem romantic, knowing him as she did, she had found it to be the most meaningful and heart-breakingly beautiful gesture ever. For what it actually demonstrated was that he had thought about having her as his wife, despite the fact she was still married to someone else. He'd thought about it at length and it clearly pained him that she'd done it before with someone that wasn't him. Of course, what he didn't know was that first time round it had been more of a stressful experience than anything else. The wedding had been so huge it had totally swamped the reasons behind doing it. She'd not really enjoyed it, had felt hugely pressured throughout and had had tiny doubts even as she'd walked down the aisle which she'd valiantly dismissed as jitters.

But he didn't know that and who could tell what ran
through that head of his when he thought about stuff like that. It must be incredibly difficult and she didn't give him enough credit.

Joe loved her.

He really, truly loved her and it was that moment that marked a change for Jennifer, because whereas
he
might not be sure about whether he wanted to marry her, she was. She should be anti-marriage altogether. She'd broken her vows. She'd failed at the whole thing miserably, but then again, was it any surprise? Ultimately, she'd married the wrong person and yet here was the right person, inside her now, loving her to within an inch of her life and there was no way she was going to lose him. So that was that. It dawned on her then that her decision had finally been made.

‘What?' he panted now, breathless after an enormous orgasm. He rolled off her and lay flat on his back. ‘Why are you grinning?'

‘No reason,' she said. ‘I just love you and also, I've made my decision. I know what I've got to do.'

What Could Have Been—Tim

The day Jennifer chose as the one she would finally tell her husband she was leaving him began pleasantly enough.

Tim had originally been due back from Monaco the day before but had rung to say he'd been delayed. On the one hand Jennifer was delighted to have another day's grace from seeing him. On the other she could hardly bear the suspense. Still, she'd decided to make the most of her rare time alone with the kids. Aware of how hard they'd been working lately, what with her having been away, she'd instructed the nannies to have the day off. It was so rare that she was in sole charge of her own children it was practically a novelty and at lunchtime she'd thoroughly enjoyed the simple tasks of cutting up the younger one's food, pouring their drinks, fetching the food out of the fridge and laying the table. Thanks to one of her many discussions with Joe she insisted that the children help her with all of this. Joe had pointed out in Yorkshire
that if they didn't start helping out with normal domestic tasks they'd leave home pampered to the point where they wouldn't be equipped to look after themselves on any level. Jennifer totally agreed.

Unused to seeing their mother whirling around the kitchen, enthused and for once not looking distracted and worried, the children were responding eagerly and enthusiastically. For the umpteenth time Jennifer resolved to be a better parent and to ensure that from now on she took more control of their upbringing. It wasn't too late for them to benefit from more of her influence and less of Tim's. It wasn't too late for her to be the woman she knew she could be.

At one point Tilly started singing a One Direction song so despite the fact they were still eating, Jennifer went to get her Mac so they could all listen to it and have a bit of a dance, something their father would never approve of and that therefore would never happen when the nannies were on duty. As a result Jennifer and the children were all so busy singing at the top of their lungs, none of them heard the distant sound of the helicopter landing in the grounds.

So they had no idea that Tim had arrived back at the house, meaning that when he entered the kitchen he found them all dancing around screaming ‘You
don't know you're beautiful'
, while using various kitchen implements as microphones.

It was only when Hattie yelled ‘Daddy' that Jennifer
realised he was there, at which point she immediately switched off the music.

‘What on earth are you all doing?' Tim said, and his look chilled her to the very bone. The happy atmosphere in the kitchen vanished instantly.

Tim looked disproportionately pissed off and Jennifer's heart lurched with dread. Did he know? He looked so angry.

‘Oh come on, we were only having a harmless muck about,' said Jennifer, motioning to the children to sit down at the table which they did with no fuss. They never challenged Tim, although recently she got the distinct feeling that Edward, their eldest, wanted to and probably would in the not too distant future. Right now, still out of breath, he was watching his father from beneath his fringe. His expression broke Jennifer's heart.

‘Hmm, well I suggest you sit down when you eat in future or you'll get indigestion. Where are Annie and Deck?'

‘Gone into town. They needed some time off.' Jennifer's tone was defiant.

Tim didn't say anything for so long that eventually Jennifer felt like she needed to fill the gap.

‘How was your trip?'

‘Enlightening,' was all he would say and again her heart somersaulted with what could only be described as terror. The vibe she was getting from him was not good at all.

However, then he suddenly turned everything on its head once again, making Jennifer wonder if perhaps she was just paranoid.

‘I got you a present,' he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small jewellery box.

‘You shouldn't have done that,' his wife replied. She noticed that Jasper was looking a bit anxious, obviously having picked up on the tension in the room. She went to ruffle his head reassuringly.

Meanwhile Tilly was staring down at her bread and cheese and almost seemed to have turned to stone. A stark contrast to the happy little girl who had been bounding about only minutes before, acting her age in the most carefree way. Only Hattie seemed completely oblivious to the strained atmosphere. But then that was Hattie. She was the most robust out of all of them. Jennifer's heart ached with love and guilt on behalf of her children. Living like this wasn't good for any of them.

‘I probably shouldn't have,' said Tim, a crooked smile on his face. ‘But I have, so open it.'

Jennifer was left with no choice other than to cross the kitchen and take the box from his hand.

‘Open it,' he insisted again when she hesitated.

Finally she opened the box only to find an exquisite pair of emerald and diamond earrings nestled on navy silk. They probably cost thousands. They also would have required precisely no thought on Tim's part. She didn't want them.

‘Thank you,' she said robotically. ‘They're beautiful.'

‘Good. Right, I'm off to have a shower. Feel free to pick up where you all left off if you really want. I don't want to be a spoilsport. Besides, if you will insist on leaping around like chimps it's probably best you do it when we don't have any houseguests.'

‘Can we put it on again please, Mummy?' begged Hattie instantly.

‘Um, I don't think so,' muttered Jennifer and all four children instantly knew that the window during which their mother had been liberated enough to have some fun had shut. They didn't bother protesting and just picked at their lunch until they were allowed to get back to the pool.

For the rest of the day Jennifer felt like she was treading on eggshells and avoided Tim as much as possible. For much of it she sat on a lounger, under an umbrella, her youngest boy Jasper cuddled into her, wrapped in a towel because he'd suddenly developed an earache so needed some serious tlc. As she stroked his hair and watched the others splashing about in the pool, she'd suddenly felt overwhelmed with conviction that bringing Joe into their lives would be a positive thing for her children too. Of course it would. He would be an amazing step-dad. After all, she'd seen him interact with them on countless occasions and while it would obviously take some time for them to adapt to the fact their parents had separated and that their old chef was now her partner, they'd get there eventually.

She was so desperate to speak to Joe but it was ages before she got an opportunity to ring him. Finally, later, once the kids had come in from swimming and had showered and been fed, and the nannies were back on duty, she managed to sneak away. Checking first that Tim was safely ensconced in his study she went upstairs, figuring that the safest place to phone from was her walk-in wardrobe. When his phone went straight to answer machine it was a terrible anti-climax and she tried a further three times before eventually admitting defeat and leaving a brief but urgent message for him to call her.

She put the phone back in her pocket willing it to vibrate and sighed. She hadn't spoken to Joe since first thing this morning. It felt like an age. Probably due to a certain amount of nerves on both parts their conversation this morning had ended up rather tense, which only made the fact she couldn't get hold of him now all the more frustrating. At the same time she knew it was unfair to expect him to hold her hand throughout this. To say it wasn't the easiest of times for either of them was an understatement.

In Yorkshire, when she'd informed Joe of her decision to leave Tim, she'd expected him to be jubilant and ecstatic that she'd finally made her mind up.

However, whilst clearly pleased, he'd also been dishearteningly
cautious. ‘You can still change your mind you know,' he'd even said at one point.

‘But I don't want to,' she'd retorted indignantly. ‘I'm telling you I've decided and I know it's taken me a while to get here but I know myself and now I've got here, that's it. I thought you'd be pleased. I thought it was what you wanted.'

‘Oh it is,' said Joe sincerely. ‘It's everything I've ever wanted but I'm just worried for you. I know what this means and the shit you're going to have to go through now. It might be what I want but it doesn't feel like cause for celebration. I'll reserve that for when everything's sorted out and for when we can be happy and start the rest of our lives together.'

A few hours later, once all the children were fast asleep, Jennifer regarded herself in the floor to ceiling mirrors which covered an entire wall of her dressing room. She looked fine. In fact she looked good. She was tanned and had gained a few pounds during her time in Yorkshire with Joe, which probably wasn't a bad thing at all. She'd lost a lot of weight lately due to all the stress and had been starting to look gaunt. Now she just looked enviably, as opposed to worryingly slim again. She smoothed down her Marc Jacobs sundress and applied a quick slick of lipgloss before promptly wiping it off again. What was she doing? What precisely did she need to look good for
anyway? She supposed it was her version of putting on armour.

Right.

She was ready, or at least as ready as she was ever going to be. She was also ridiculously scared and nervous and there were a million things she'd prefer to be doing at that precise moment. Like eating cat food, prising off her fingernails with a rusty screw, or running a marathon in nothing but a pair of clown shoes, in the rain. Only none of these things were on the agenda. Telling her husband she was leaving him was.

Since that pivotal moment in Yorkshire she'd known what she had to do. Her feelings for Joe had become an unstoppable force. She simply had to be with him and no matter how sad it made everybody short term, long term she fully believed and hoped they would all be better off.

Jennifer took a deep breath, left the sanctuary that was her dressing room and went downstairs to find Tim who was outside, on the terrace, looking at some papers.

It was past eleven. Jennifer had wanted to make totally sure all the children were fast asleep when she told him.

‘You OK?' said Jennifer, taking a seat opposite Tim. The moonlight was bouncing off the pool. Everything looked so beautiful. Would she miss it?

‘What do you want?' said Tim, looking up briefly.

The look in his eyes made her recoil.

‘Um, I just wondered if we could have a chat?'

Tim picked up the crystal tumbler next to him and took a slow, deliberate sip of his gin and tonic. ‘Go for it.'

‘Right, well I don't think I need to tell you that we haven't been getting on well lately.'

‘No, you're right. You don't. You're not even wearing the earrings I bought you which is pretty ungrateful.'

Jennifer immediately felt on the back foot. She'd always known Tim was her superior intellectually. He could spar verbally with the best of them and would always have an answer, a riposte, or a quick-witted put-down. Only today she wasn't looking for a discussion. She was telling him something and that was what she had to keep reminding herself of.

‘Look, Tim, I know you don't want to hear this but I have to say it anyway.'

He continued to read his papers which seemed so rude. In a way it helped.

Jennifer cleared her throat and ran her palms down her dress again. She was sweating. ‘I think it might be time we went our separate ways, Tim. I've not been happy for a long time now and I doubt you are either. So, while we're still both young enough to rebuild our lives I think we should call it a day and try to do so as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.'

Tim swirled the ice round in his glass which made a chinking sound. For a second Jennifer wondered if he'd heard what she'd just said. She felt a sudden wave of nausea and experienced an intense flash of frustration that
Joe hadn't been on the other end of the phone earlier. She needed him so much. Where was he?

She opened her mouth to reiterate what she'd just said but Tim cut her off.

‘So, you have the audacity to sit there and calmly tell me that you've decided we should “call it a day”. As if ending our marriage is as important an issue as changing your mind about what dress to wear or what colour paint you're going to decorate a room with.'

‘No, of course not,' began Jennifer. ‘It's not like that at all. In fact, for what it's worth, it's taken months of turmoil for me to arrive at this conclusion. There is absolutely nothing about this decision that has been light or easy and I am so bloody sorry, Tim.'

‘So, how many months exactly have you been thinking about this then?'

Jennifer gulped, steeling herself for the onslaught she knew was around the corner, mind whirring as she tried to second guess why he was asking that. ‘Look, you can't pretend you haven't noticed,' she said, trying to avoid answering. ‘We've barely been speaking for months. We've been in separate bedrooms the vast majority of the time for years now and I can't remember when we last had sex. This isn't a marriage, Tim, and I know I'm the one saying it out loud but come on, you've never got anything good to say about me, you're always putting me down and acting as if I irritate you, so to be honest I'm surprised you're not pleased.'

‘Pleased,' repeated Tim. ‘Mm, interesting choice of vocabulary there. You're surprised I'm not pleased that you've taken it upon yourself to be such a selfish bitch that you would actually consider breaking up this family, destroying the children's lives and everything I've been working hard to build up for the last god knows how many years, with zero consultation or regard for my reputation.'

Jennifer blinked. Was that all he cared about? Suddenly she was amazed she'd lasted as long as she had in this sham of a relationship.

‘But that's just it,' she said, ‘your reputation has nothing to do with our marriage. A marriage is a relationship between two people. Everything else just surrounds it. But our connection has died a death, Tim. You don't love me, you don't even like me.'