Icon of the Indecisive (11 page)

Chapter 26

Sol was not there at the party. Nor was Robbie.

But everyone else was, when we got there just before four in the afternoon. Nearly everyone I knew from Ford River was there, and yet it seemed like the party only started when Vida arrived. She stepped out of her car and I heard cheers from the front porch, the open windows on the first floor, and the balcony on the second floor of the lavish beach home. The cheers were heard over the loud music, and the buzz of conversation and laughter. Beer or what I hoped was beer splashed down from above, and then drenching, and more laughing.

Outside there was a grill, and a table where people were getting drinks, and a small fence that led to a catwalk that stretched out over the sea. I saw Johnny Alba (a fellow student employee) in yellow board shorts at the end of that catwalk. He jumped—and then he disappeared. The house had its own cliff dive spot.

The people on the balcony cheered. "Go, Johnny!"

I was distracted by that for a second, and then remembered that I had to find Vida. She was already inside the house, surrounded by her usual admirers, probably a dozen half-clothed people just wanting to be near her.

"Vida, I'm not done with you," I yelled. Yeah, I yelled at her. Right in front of everyone.

She shot me a look. It wasn't new, because I often saw her like this, but it was like nobody noticed. Her fans were oblivious, smiling and continuing to chatter as my arm began to glow, and the bright band around my wrist became visible again.

Vida lifted a finger and my arm went up with it. She tilted her head slightly, and I was dragged by the wrist past the adoring fans, to a spot right in front of her.

They didn't seem to care.

"This," I said, pointing to the chain. "You take this off. I told you, I'm
done
."

She pulled at me until I was pressed against her, and sneered. "You know what annoys me most of all, Hannah? The indecisive. And that's what you are."

"I told you I'm not ready for this. You win. Stop competing with me already!
What do you want from me."

Did the sky go dark for everyone else?

Because I saw with my own eyes a four p.m. sunny tropical sky plunge into darkness.

No one else noticed. They didn't think it was weird either that they were being pushed aside by an unseen force so that they created a wide circle around me and Vida.

Vida stepped into the circle, one impossibly perfect leg at a time, hands on her hips. "This isn't
competing
with you yet, Hannah, in case you were deluding yourself. This is only a test, and you haven't even gone up against
me
on it. This is all you, little girl."

"Fine, I'm not even worth fighting. Why test me then?"
Because you're crazy? Because you're just that arrogant?

"Because this is a power I want." Vida's words actually
felt
cold. 

"Then ask Denise for it! She's begging for someone to take it."

"She doesn't want me to have it. And Quin doesn't want me to have it either. And you know how it goes with my family. If older brother doesn't want me to have it, I can't have it."

"Is that what this is about?"

"It's about more power than I expect you to understand, Hannah. But none of us can do anything about it until you decide to accept it or give it up."

Throughout this experience I had learned a little about power. I learned that power was divided among the gods and goddesses, and those who wanted more had to fight for it. Quin and Vida fought for the sky before, and it ended in a truce
—and a decision to share—before the war could destroy them both.

"You want me to be Goddess of Love," I realized.

She smiled. "You think so?"

"Because you think I'll be easier to defeat. And this power will be yours to take."

The smile turned into a smirk and pushed me back into the wall of people with a flick of her wrist. "I am who I am, and that will never change. I can tell you that the chain will disappear once you make your choice. If you give this up, I have no need to even acknowledge your existence."

"And if I accept?"

"You don't have it in you. Simultaneously feeling the pain of your subjects isn't even the worst of my tests. If it's too much for you..."

But I wasn't feeling it
simultaneously.
I was feeling it
before
they did. Long enough to intervene, if it was ever needed, but I didn't know it until the third time it happened. In Marlee's case it might have helped keep her safe.

I wondered if Vida misspoke, if I misunderstood her, but just thinking it made her expression change the slightest bit.

"It's not simultaneous, is it?" she demanded.

Did she hear that thought? Did it matter?

The afternoon sun came back on like a light, and I stumbled a little from the sudden brightness. The glowing band felt heavy against my wrist, heavier than it had ever been. I started to back away from her.

Vida laughed and put her arm around an oblivious devotee. "Yes, take your time, little girl."

She said something else but I was already heading back outside.

Chapter 27

It wasn't as easy to find Denise. She didn't have a crowd around her, so I had to wade through every group just to check. She wasn't with the car fanatics in the parking lot, or with the self-appointed bartenders in the garden, or with the smokers in the garage, or with the worker bees making sandwiches in the kitchen, not among Vida's entourage in the living room, not in any of the unlocked first floor rooms. 

I found her on the second floor balcony, accessed from a TV room that had windows for walls. There was probably a fantastic view of the cove just outside but I wasn't in any mood to enjoy it.

Denise was happily chugging beer from a plastic cup. I pushed myself between two juniors just to get within speaking distance of her.

"Tell me something," I said. "What is worth all this trouble? Why disturb everything by giving people powers and making them klepto hypnotists and lightbulb smashers?"

She laughed triumphantly, tossed the cup into the air, and threw her arms around me. "Love, Hannah! I'm doing it for love."

"Do you know the kind of trouble your stunt caused, what kids like Neil end up doing if you give them that kind of...? He stole from people. He took advantage of me. My friend is torn up over him."

"She'll live. He'll learn. Nothing about the order of things will change once I distribute my gifts and pass on."

"But aren't they
gods
now because of you?"

Someone handed her another cup and she gulped it down. Ugh, I don't think she even know
s where that had been.

"Oh no they're not," Denise said. "They just got my minor gifts. Every god has them. They'll have it all their lives and when they die maybe their grandchildren will inherit them. What
you
have now, that's different."

A couple dancing behind me got a little too physical, and I was reminded rudely of where I was.

"We're kids. Dumb, lost college kids," I said, loudly, and no one even cared. "You can't choose to give us this much power over anything. We'll screw it up. I can screw up at your job worse than you."

Denise grabbed onto the smooth cylinder that was the railing behind me. Just below us I could see another guy leap into the water. The people on the balcony erupted in cheers, and Denise accepted yet another random drink. This could not be sanitary.

She downed it like it was a tequila shot and blinked at me. "Do you think any of us are worth the power that we were given? I know I'm not. I never was. But I think I know what will make it better this time around, Hannah."

And it was like all the gods were at my ear right then, feeding me the answer, but only because they'd said it before in those words and others.

"We have to want it," I said.

"Right you are. Because I didn't ask for this, and I'm lousy at it. I will do all of creation a favor by bowing out now and leaving my gifts behind to those who want them."

"Vida wants them."

"Except Vida," Denise said. "You just saw my entire life, Hannah. You know what it could be like, how empty it has made me. I know what it has been. I know you can be better. You know how I know?"

The same way Quin knew.

"Faith," I said.

She planted a beer-scented kiss on my forehead. "Are you ready to choose?"

The house with the many windows is gone. So are the people.

Diya has taken my hand and we are running, together, on sand. Our bare feet are light upon the grains, our movement disturbs nothing.

Sand becomes stone.

And then we reach the edge. Beyond stone there is only air, and a long drop, and water underneath that I can barely even see.

Di
ya is a goddess. She is taller here, and her hair is the color of dry leaves, and her voice is like a song.

She is not the goddess whose memories I've been seeing, that much I know.

I also know that we aren't here for the view.

"You're going to jump, aren't you?" I say.

"No," she says, still smiling. "We are."

"You're kidding me."

"This is it, Hannah. This is when you choose."

"I've already chosen."

"You've told yourself that you'll choose it. Now do it already."

"What about you? What happens to you?"

Diya looks up, instead of down, and lets her face bathe in soft sunshine. "I think I will wake up from this finally free to be with the one I choose, and not watch him slip away."

"Or you could die from the fall."

"Do you fear the jump, Hannah?"

"We seem to be really high."

"You think we are. Or you're just trying not to choose again."

I look over the edge and something sparkles up at me from the darkness below.

"I'm here," I say, tentatively, to the abyss.

I think of not jumping, knowing that it will free me from Vida and the burden of everyone's problems. That would be the easy way out.

I think of jumping, knowing that I have so much more work ahead of me, how difficult it could be, and the threats that await.

I try to recall what brought me here.

And yes, it's Quin, because he asked me to do this. But it's also Kathy and Jake and Ian and Carson and Mara and Johnny and Farrah and the now countless others whose hearts I was asked to care for.

Who am I without this?

I start to remember.

Inevitably, I am that eleven-year-old girl on the day that her mother's heart broke.

I accepted the gift then, I just didn't know it.

That is who I am, and when there is no fear or doubt, who I will remain to be.

I am the Goddess of Love.

I will work to be better at this, to deserve the devotion, and no one will be able to take this from me. Vida Castillo can go suck it.

Diya reaches for my hand and I take it. My feet leave the stone first. We jump. And we fall.

Chapter 28

I was disoriented, so I breathed. And it was the wrong thing to do.

There was a bright light over my head. Naturally I thought it was the sun, and that I was back in the world, and yay I survived the abyss!

I was a goddess!

Then water came up my nose.

Mommy!
I gasped.
Help!
And completely human lungs struggled, completely human arms flailed. Completely human panic, in other words.

It was a second, or two, but it felt a zillion times longer, and I wondered if I made the wrong choice.

Ah well.

At least I tried.

I stopped flailing, and just let the sea water take me.

It really is relaxing over here.

It's nice.

I should go out to the beach more often.

I should go to the beach with Robbie.

Or first, apologize to him.

He needs to know that I care. It can't end this way.

Or maybe this is it, and I'll just be here forever.

"You can breathe now."

"I think I shouldn't."

"It's okay. Also you need it."

"Do goddesses need to breathe?"

"Goddesses do whatever they please."

Of course it was Quin. He was holding me in a steady grip, and this alone made me feel safe and okay. I was out of it, mostly, but I made sure this fact would at least register.

He was pulling me back to the shore. It was farther than it looked, but then again I took the fast way down.

"Where is Dia?" was the other thing I made sure to ask.

Diego and Vida got her.

That was nice of them. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

What I know of the rest of that day:

Jake driving.

Kathy staying in the backseat with me.

Neil yelling at the ER nurse.

Being poked and prodded, somehow able to answer doctor's questions.

Lying flat on a bed under harsh light.

Back in the car, Neil driving this time.

Taking care of me because I asked, and they would not say no to their goddess.

When the fatigue subsided, I was in a beautiful bedroom with a view of the sea. Not the party house with the huge windows.

It looked like the sun had just begun to rise.

I could have sworn Quin wasn't in the room a second ago, but then I blinked and he was on the chair facing me on the bed, as if he had been there all along. I sat up and waited another second. I was wearing pajamas I didn't recognize. He was still there.

"You're at a small hotel near the hospital," he said. "And you're amazing."

"I'm a bad swimmer, is what I am."

"You chose to be one of us."

"Did it work even? I don't feel like a goddess right now."

"The transition won't be immediate. It will take one regular lifetime, at least."

My arms felt heavy. My neck was sore. It hurt a little to breathe, probably because I fell into the water wrong.

"Does that disappoint you?" he asked.

"I don't know. I guess I wish I'd heal fast or something." I should have known that it would be yet another long and tedious process though. "Are you okay with how I chose? I mean, I didn't know if you were waiting for Denise to change her mind..."

Quin pulled the chair closer to the bed and laid a hand on my wrist.

Chainless, I hoped.

"I am beyond happy," he said. "You don't understand how much."

Knowing now that he hadn't been dating Denise Cabral at all, that he was standing by and letting my relationship with Robbie happen...

I had to make a decision again.

"Don't, Quin. Please."

"Don't what?"

"I can't. I can't just put everything on hold for you. I know you never led me on and never promised me anything but I'm not stupid, I can't wait forever. I mean literally forever, since you're immortal. I've just been led on by my own stupid dreams, but I know they're stupid. And they're just dreams. They're not real, you don't love me that way, and I totally get that I'm just being delusional. So this is me telling you that I'm going to skip all this longing and be with someone I know loves me, and is ready to love me."

Wow, that felt good. Choosing could become addictive.

Quin didn't say anything. His hand remained on my wrist and he looked deep in thought.

"What?" I said.

"You dream about me?"

"Yes," I admitted. "Often."

"What happens in the dreams?"

"Stuff. It's... I just assumed they were old memories of another goddess."

"You were seeing me through her eyes?"

"Yes. I knew it was you. It's a lot like the eternal space that you've shown me."

"Was Father ever in it?"

"Yes I think."

"Do you remember anything else?"

"Some intense stuff. You and Diego at war. Forests on fire..."

"Interesting. Will you share this memory with me?"

I nodded, and he reached over and cradled my face in his hands. His fingers against my temple were so light I barely felt them, but then he jerked back and pulled away, surprised.

And then he smiled. Not what I was expecting.

"Say something," I said.

He inched even closer, resting an elbow on the bed. "You want to be with Robbie, is that what you're saying?"

"Yes."

"I support you."

It was the right thing to say and yet my heart sank a little when I heard it. "Great."

Yeah, great. An eternity of this. At least I chose to be happy.

"I know how you feel about me, Hannah. But I think it would be wrong of me to take advantage of that,
because of how vulnerable you are. It's not just you being young... Being human, you would always be vulnerable. Do you understand?"

I understood, of course. But that didn't prevent me from
wanting to be swallowed up by the earth
just then. It was pathetic of me to think it would ever happen, him and me. Did I think he would be the boyfriend who'd walk me to class, carry my books, take me to school dances? He was never going to be
normal
.

Why did I even...

Quin's hand had not left my arm, his fingers still on my skin. Tapped my wrist once, twice.

"I will tell you something," he said, and he looked
unsure
to me, so unlike him. "I'm deciding to tell you not to change your mind, but to reassure you that you're making the right decision, because I see you're afraid."

"I didn't think I was afraid, but now I am."

"What you've seen, those dreams, they never happened."

My heart sank. A lot. "Great, so I'm crazy on top of everything else."

He paused, unsure still, and then shook his head. "You're not crazy. Some things that you've shown me are very real. Except I don't recall any of it."

"I'm crazy then. I thought I was dreaming about you but I wasn't."

He lifted my hand and held it to his lips. "My Hannah..."

My still completely human heart just stopped, or something close to that, as he searched for his words.

"...it means that life is short and if you want to be with someone else now, I shouldn't stop you. And yet, for you, life will also be very long, and trying, but I believe we'll be living it together."

"I don't..."

"I think you're seeing the future, Hannah. Our future. You are. I believe it."

"It's impossible. I... Didn't you and Diego fight over something before?"

"Not like what you've seen. But I know it's within him to try."

"But didn't the myths say something about
—"

He waved a hand dismissively. "We create our myths for our own purposes. Many of the stories you've heard have never happened. Unless they were meant to, eventually."

"But that would make them prophecies."

"I guess they would be. If you believed in that."

"Then they should be
labeled
prophecies or something! How can I—maybe it's not me there. I don't..."

"The goddess didn't look like you do now? Did I ever look the same?"

He didn't, that was true. And yet I always knew it was him. I just... didn't know it was me.

That was me.

That was me?

Everything I saw, and heard, and did...

My heart didn't know how to take this. "How can you be sure?"

"I don't need to be. I don't wish to know more, but this... It gives me hope. Do you love Robbie now?"

What? I still wasn't over the seeing into our future. Together. A minute ago I would have said yes, I loved Robbie, definitely. "I think I owe it to myself to find out."

"Then you should be with him, now. And when you no longer feel the need to, you move on, as he will. Everyone does it, you know this."