How To Get Your Heart Broken (8 page)

I’m Sad When You’re Sad

“Julian is
Jessie’s brother!”
 
I said to no one.

I felt
stupid for not having had that realization sooner, but Jessie had mentioned a
little
brother and I imagined a boy no
older than seven with the same eyes and a bowl cut. Clearly I’d let my
imagination run away with me.

I found
myself moaning at the thought of this new revelation. Everything had gotten so
much more complicated than I envisioned it ever being. How could Ash start a
relationship with Julian when she’d participated in our scheme to break his
brother’s heart? What would happen if he ever found out? What if Ash felt
compelled to tell him the truth?

I didn’t
even know who to be mad at: Ash for keeping this secret, Rachel for coming up
with the bet or me for inspiring Rachel to come up with the bet. Maybe I should
have blamed Jessie for never clarifying about his brother, or mentioning that
he was
here.
Or maybe I should have
blamed this Julian kid for not telling Ash that
he
had a brother. Maybe we were all to blame. Maybe none of us were
to blame. Regardless, I just had this
really
bad feeling about it all. But what the hell could I do now? There was no
turning back.

Trying to
fix this would involve a lot more honesty than I could handle. How was I
supposed to tell Ash that I’d been reading her diary, the one dedicated to her
dead grandfather?
 

I thought
of how ironic it was that I came here to escape reality. Now I wanted to get away
from
this
reality. I wished I hadn’t
been so nosy. But it was too late for that too. I sighed and stopped hitting
myself with the diary. I opened it back to where I had left off. There was only
one more entry, from the day before.
 

Reasons that This Bet Was a
Terrible Idea and We’re All Screwed

1.
The fighting has already started and Rachel is spilling Eli’s secrets

2.
I think Eli maybe likes Jessie

3.
I think Rachel maybe likes Jessie

4.
I like Jessie’s twin brother

5.
I can’t tell anyone I like Jessie’s twin brother

6.
I almost told Jessie about the bet because I feel like a horrible person

7.
I can say goodbye to any hope of being with Julian if he finds out about the
bet, so I must pick between being with him and being a good person

8.
Rachel knew about Julian’s existence and she has not said anything, so she
probably has more evil planned

Obviously, I
didn’t agree with all of the things on Ash’s list. Additionally, I could have
used some elaboration on a few of her points, but
especially
that last one.
 
Nevertheless, I definitely agreed with her point about all of us being
screwed.

--

"Where
have you been?"

"Out,
relax mom," Rachel replied sarcastically.

I stayed
still, waiting for an answer.

She sighed,
"If you really want to know, I went out, with Jessie."

"Last
I heard he didn't want anything to do with you."

She
shrugged, "Guess he changed his mind!" She gave me an innocent smile
before turning to head upstairs.

It was like
I was being haunted by Ash's diary. Did she really believe that Rachel liked
Jessie? The same Rachel that had warned us about not getting attached? And also
if Rachel knew about Julian, why hadn't she
told me? Did she know Ash's secret? What else was she keeping from me?
Suddenly, I couldn’t help being suspicious of her. If only she kept a diary
too.

I knew it
wasn’t fair, to be angry at Rachel without hearing her side. But I was starting
to wonder if her desire to win this bet trumped our loyalty to each other, even
as I irrationally blamed Ash for putting these doubts in my mind. I was growing
frustrated with both them, and for some reason, that made me want to win.

---

I looked
down at the short, vibrant green dress I was wearing; it was supposed to bring
out the green in my eyes. There were subtle specks of it, only presenting
themselves according to a mysterious schedule I knew nothing about. I was
supposed to go over to Jessie’s house. I wasn’t sure if movies on his couch
were his idea of romancing a girl, but his collection happened to be pretty
impressive, and I was quite the movie junkie so I didn’t mind.
The
collection consisted of at least a few hundred DVDs, which was even more than I
had.

When I’d asked him about it, he had said “That’s
fifth‒date level information” and I was too busy wondering if he
considered what we were doing “dating” to make further inquiries.

Besides,
the beauty of this competition was that it was almost like a gift to him in a
way because he had three, well,
two
girls
that were trying to be everything he wanted. Admittedly, I failed at that
pretty often; I hadn’t quite mastered how to mold myself into the sort of
shallow, passive girls I imagined him with, and too often my sarcasm got the
best of me. But I wasn’t going to give up the fight. If I was finally going to
take this competition seriously I had to bring my game face on, no pun
intended.

This meant
pushing aside the anger that had continued to boil in me after learning about
his “outings” with Rachel. I couldn’t care less who he was seeing, except he
had insisted that he wasn’t interested in her. Even though I’d never believed
him, it angered me to know that he was just as much of a liar as every other
boy I’d ever known. It made me think that Rachel
had
been right all along.

He opened
the door just as I was about to knock, startling both of us. It wasn’t enough
to keep him from doing a once over, his eyes resting on my chest. I coughed,
and he jumped again.
 

"Can I
come in?" I smiled.

He gave me
a weird look; his eyebrows scrunched together and he scratched his head like he
was trying to remember where he’d placed something. Suddenly his expression
changed and his distracted look was replaced by a mischievous grin.

“Umm,
sure,” he mumbled. “Just place your hand right there and let me slam the door
on it first. That’s how I greet people.”

“Ha. Ha,” I
said humorlessly, squeezing by him to come in, as he’d already exhausted my
patience. I made myself comfortable on the couch.
 

“I was
starting to think you weren’t going to show up.”

“It’s hard
to stand you up when you live next door,” I said matter-of-factly.

“So are you
saying that’s the only reason you came?”

“Maybe.” I
shrugged.

“Are you
dressed like that because I went out with Rachel last night?”

“One, I
didn’t know you went out with Rachel last night. Two, I couldn’t care less. And
three, could you
be
any more
conceited?”

“I’m
kidding. I just wanted to see if it would make you jealous. Rachel and I are friends…is
that allowed?”

“Do I look
like your mother?”

“No,” he
said seriously.

“It’s not a
literal question, dimwit.”

“I like
you.”

I froze. I
couldn’t deny that he had a way of catching
me
off guard, always admitting more than I expected him to.

“Oh look, I
finally said something that got you to stop talking,” he said with a satisfied
smile.

“Where’s
the movie?” I finally swallowed.

I could
tell he was enjoying this, from the way he laughed.
 
“
21
Jump Street
or
Savages
?” He asked
with a smirk.

---

I turned
towards Jessie as the credits began to roll. "Are you sleeping?"

"Are
you crying?"

"Funny,"
I responded sarcastically.
 

He stayed
still. He hadn't moved since the movie started and surprisingly, he’d let me
watch it in peace.

I wasn’t
complaining, but when I thought about it, he’d seemed distracted all night, and
I couldn’t help wondering if he was still thinking about whatever he was
thinking about.

“What’s
wrong with you?” I asked disinterestedly.
 

“I think
it’s cute that you’re worried about me.”
 
He joked, but his smile seemed strained.

He could
say whatever he wanted, but his eyes never lied. They told me that something
was wrong today. Th
ey seemed faded and tired, which was so
different from how bright they usually were.

So I didn’t
take the bait. I stared back at him unblinkingly, waiting for a serious answer.
As irrational as it was, I wanted to be the only one with secrets.

He finally
sighed, “Is it okay if we don’t talk about it?”

He looked
down at his lap, suddenly seeming half a world away.

“Do you
believe in the supernatural?” I asked stupidly. I wasn’t sure what was
bothering him, but it bothered me more than I wanted it to, and I wanted both
of us to stop thinking about it.

He
recovered quickly, his eyes seemingly grateful for the distraction from
whatever had been clouding them before.
 

“What do
you mean exactly?” He asked.

“Ghosts,
gargoyles, witches…”

He was
laughing before I could finish, “Uh, not really, maybe ghosts? …Something tells
me
you
believe that stuff.”

“Well, I
don’t know…I think there are a lot of things in the world we don’t know about.”

“Fair
enough,” he agreed, but something about the way his eyes crinkled made me think
he was starting to wonder if I was a little nuts. Somehow I found it amusing.

“When I was
younger I used to be really interested in witchcraft. I watched a ton of witchy
movies and T.V. shows and I was always trying to move things with my mind and
create rhyming spells that would turn my little sister into a hamster.”

He seemed
thoroughly distracted from wherever his mind had been going before, but the
look on his face suggested he was more disturbed now than he had been before.

“And
supposedly you don’t do these things anymore?”

“Well, I
never said that.”

“…What are
you saying?”

“…What are
you thinking?”

After a
moment, he broke into a smile, “Okay, you got me, I’m thoroughly creeped out.”

I shrugged,
managing not to smile, “I was just telling the truth.”

“Is that
how you scare people away?”

“Okay, Dr.
Phil, I wasn’t trying to scare anyone. I figured you were old enough to handle
a little superstition. But if I scared you, then sorry, kid.”

“Okay,
fine. Can I ask you a question now?”

“You can
ask…”

“And you
promise to answer it?”

“I don’t
make promises.”

“You’re
impossible,” he said with a head shake.
 

“It’s my
middle name,” I smiled.

“Favorite
flower.”

“Sunflowers,”
I said quickly, my eyebrows furrowing before I even finished answering. “Was
that really your question?”

“No, I just
figured if I started with something easy you would let your guard down a
little.”

“And you
assumed I could just name a favorite flower off the top of my head because I’m
a girl?”

“Well you
did, didn’t you?”

“I only
agreed to one question.” I said defiantly.

“Oh, come
on, it must be exhausting having to be so mysterious all the time, I just want
to get to know you better.” There was that face again, the one that got him
everything he wanted.

I looked
away. “Has that ever worked?”

“Yeah,
actually,” he laughed, “Every time…I guess I’ve met my match.”

“I guess
so,” I agreed, crossing my arms. I could see him smiling at me from the corner
of my eye.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

It took a lot of
convincing. I’m not even sure why I thought it would be a good idea, seeing as
I knew it was much too soon to try to get Rachel and Ash to bond again.

But for whatever
reason, I’d decided we needed a girl’s night. A night for me to leave
he-who-shall-not-be-named
and Jessie,
for Ashton to leave her books and her Julian, for Rachel to leave her plotting
and well… whatever the hell else she did with her free time. Besides, I was
kind of tired of being secretly mad at my best friends.

Rachel had heard about
a big party tonight. When she mentioned it to me I was immediately struck by
the idea. Now I was sort of having second thoughts; I didn’t want this to be
another drama filled night together‒not that I had many more secrets for
Rachel to reveal. I assured myself that with the absence of Jessie (and Julian)
it wouldn’t be a problem.

Rachel, since she
enjoyed torturing me, decided to help me get ready. She took years to tame my
unruly hair, cake my face with foundation, and convince me to wear something
“feminine.”

‘
Did this mean she classified everything I usually wore as “masculine”?
’
I wondered.

I’d always thought of
my style as “casual.” I didn’t bother with skirts and dresses unless I had
somewhere important to go and eventually, I decided her statement was simply
another one of her gross exaggerations.

My straightened hair
ended up in a ponytail. I wore tower high heels (though this was something I’d
become accustomed due to my shortcomings), and I somehow squeezed into Rachel’s
floral romper. “How’s this for feminine?” I’d asked her when I finished getting
dressed.

She wore a black and
white checkered corset “dress” that rose up enough to grant me a super long
peak at her lacy black underwear as she bent over to gather all of her hair.
Coming back up to pile it all into a giant bun at the top off her head, she
gave me a wink that made it obvious there was no point in telling her that her
underwear was showing.

“Done!” She
proclaimed, blowing me a kiss with fiery red lips that showcased her favorite
lipstick.
  

I took the longest to
get ready, but Ash was a close runner up. When she came out in a knee length
teal dress that looked appropriate for campaigning, I cheerfully agreed with
Rachel that she looked way too dignified for our destination, eagerly volunteering
Rachel to help her.

I’d created an
elaborate braid with her cooperative hair that we tucked at the bottom; it was
impressive enough that Rachel complemented it, despite it being on Ashton’s
head. The final product consisted of dark blue lace shorts, a beaded white
sweater with three-quarter sleeves, and
 
ballet flats, all of which I considered a sufficient compromise,
choosing to ignore the fact that she was wearing a sweater in July.

The outfit was
complemented by Rachel’s sour expression, customary when she doesn’t get her
way‒she wanted Ash to wear a crop-top, like
that
was going to happen‒ and an accurate representation of
how the rest of our night would go.

---
 

I took a deep breath
before entering. The familiar stench of alcohol, the boys playing beer-pong by
a pool table, the heat of so many bodies being packed into what was probably
formerly known as the living room before it had been trashed, sent a fresh wave
of nostalgia through me. It invited me in, reminding me of what I’d left behind
in high school yet would have to look forward to in college. The party seemed
to be chanting my name.

I consciously tried to
stay by Ash’s side. Rachel would feel right at home here, but I was afraid Ash
would accept brownies from some “kind” stranger if I left her alone for one
minute.

Of course, I
had
educated her on all the dos and
don’ts of teen parties and even dragged her to one last year.
 
Still, I wanted to ease her into the
corruption that awaited her in the fall.

By the time I turned
back to my left, Rachel was nowhere to be found. She’d probably already found
alcohol, or a boy, but probably both.

“Oh, punch!” Ash said,
heading over to the drinks.
         

“Never mind!” she
exclaimed a second later, walking back towards where I’d been waiting for my
wisdom to register.

“Good girl,” I yelled
over the blaring music, grabbing a beer for myself. I wasn’t an avid
drinker,
 
I learned the hard way that I
didn’t like the feeling of being so intoxicated that I was relinquishing
control of my brain, my judgment, and my stomach. Lucky for me I knew how to
hold my liquor. This usually came in handy because Rachel had
no
problem relinquishing control and I
always felt responsible for her and, Ashton of course.

“Let’s dance!” I
exclaimed to Ash, resisting the urge to laugh as her expression made me
question whether I’d accidentally proclaimed, “Let’s go to war!”

She just stood there,
nodding her head and smiling at me. And then some guy came from behind her and
asked her to dance. He was really cute and figuring it couldn’t hurt, I nodded
encouragingly. Sensing her reluctance I answered for her, “She would love to!”

Of course I kept an
eye on them, but he didn’t try anything. She did a bunch of awkward dance moves
that he copied and she was actually smiling, like she didn’t totally hate it.
Knowing she was fine for the moment, I tore my eyes away to scout for Rachel in
the crowd, and found her taking shots. I made a mental note to go stop her at
some point.

I headed over to
Rachel after about 10 minutes, when I was sure Ash was okay and I had grown
sufficiently concerned about the group of guys surrounding her. Of course, s
he
seemed perfectly at ease.

“Come to check on me?”
She asked as I elbowed my way through her audience.

“Well, it’s starting
to look like you’re one of tonight’s main attractions, just wanted to see what
all the fuss was about.”

“Oh honey, you’ve seen
me naked!” She winked.

I rolled my eyes,
tempted to let her get back to entertaining. But she grabbed my hand and turned
me towards one of the guys she’d been talking to, “My friend was just telling
about how no one will ask her to dance.” She gave me no time to protest. “Keep
her busy, will you?” She added before shoving me towards him.

‘Great, so now I’m desperate.’

“Are you okay?” He
asked, gripping my arms after I’d awkwardly fallen into his chest, though it
was a very well built one, so I didn’t mind too much.

“I’m fine!” I yelled
back over the booming techno song.

“Yes, you are!” I
heard him agree.

I rolled my eyes,
preparing to disappear, “She’s crazy, and drunk,” I said, meaning to dismiss
Rachel’s comment.

“I gathered, but I’m
grateful for the introduction. Can I get you a drink?”

I was already shaking
my head as he tried to coax me.

“Come on, one drink,”
he said again, flashing a set of pearly whites that presented a beautiful
contrast to his dark skin. Suddenly I couldn’t think of a reason to say no.

His name was Jared. He
was a sophomore at Duke interning at a merger‒consulting firm‒
whatever that means
‒ nearby for
the summer. A few of his friends had driven down to the beach just for the
weekend and they’d ended up at this party; this had been the group Rachel was
talking to.

Jared managed to get
my number due to a miraculous combination of persistence, luck, and boredom.
Those were also the reasons I was dancing with him, though I had to admit I
wasn’t having the worst time. The latest hip hop song, with its words in a
seemingly foreign language and its catchy, rhythmic beat was so loud, I could
feel its rhythm in my chest.

In my head, I could
hear the scratching of the turntables, the theatrical halt of the music as I
turned around.
 
The sight of Jessie
scared the hell out of me, and so did the fact that he was about two inches
away from my face. I felt Jared’s hands tighten around my waist as Jessie waved
cheerfully. I groaned. Was one simple Jessie-free night too much to ask for?

I ignored his
questioning expression when I sent Jared away, choosing to avoid the
introductions.
 
I was already busy
studying the guy standing beside him. He was slightly shorter than Jessie, with
messy, curly brown hair, pale skin, and eyes an almost transparent color of
blue. Dare I say, he was even prettier than his brother.

There was a slight,
subtle something their features shared. I couldn’t quite place it, but it was
obvious they were related.

Alas, Ash’s beloved
Julian. He smiled cheerfully.
 
‘Braces? Or just good genes?’
I pondered
curiously as I observed his dazzling smile. I was almost certain a brilliant
light had come from his teeth, accompanied by the
ding!
that was customary when those guys in the Colgate commercials
would smile.

I waved, just as
Jessie had, and prepared to escape. And then Rachel suddenly appeared, put an
arm around my shoulder.

“Jessie, fancy seeing
you here,” she said, slurring the slightest bit.

And then Ash was
there. And Jessie said, “This is my brother, Julian.” And everyone wore these
surprised faces, except for me cause I was looking down wishing a giant hole
would open up and swallow me because I had this
bad
feeling that this would not go smoothly.

And when I looked up
Jessie was staring at me and I forgot that I was supposed to act surprised.

Then Ash turned to
Rachel and said, “Don’t pretend you didn’t know about him.”

And Rachel looked
genuinely confused, or maybe just nauseous, and Julian and Jessie’s eyebrows
furrowed in weirdly similar ways, and I became certain I was still not selling
the surprised look.

I turned to Julian.
“You must be a hermit,” I said smoothly.

“Woah! We just met and
you’re already calling me names. You must be Eli.”

“What’s that supposed
to mean?”

“I was kidding…” he
laughed uncertainly.

“Don’t mind her, she’s grumpy today; Ryan
just changed his Facebook relationship status to ‘
in a relationship
.’”

I glared at Rachel. She gave me an
exaggerated frown and patted my head like you would a child. In truth, I
had
noticed this new development. I
could even admit to attempted snooping on this Bridget person’s private
Facebook profile. But I would
not
concede that any of that had an effect on my mood.

My eyes moved from Ash to Julian as he
motioned from her to the door. We were all
looking at Ash, but I suppose I was too distracted to
feign surprise because Jessie was giving me this really weird look.

Then Julian went up to
put his arm around Ash’s shoulder, and he was pulling her away from us and out
of the party before any of us could react. And then she turned around with this
apologetic look on her face and mouthed something that sounded like a promise
for an explanation. Then Rachel said something about it always being the quiet
ones. And then the three of us were left standing there awkwardly.

And that’s when I fled.