House of Cards (29 page)

Mridula did not understand a word. She just wanted to be happy again. A devotee asked, ‘Swamiji, I get upset quickly. How do I control my temper?’

‘With your mind. I can’t tell you a specific method because every individual is different and you have to find out what works best for you.’

Mridula thought, ‘If I knew how to control my mind, then I wouldn’t be here. I want to be the way I was and enjoy life and its beauty. But now, I dread the thought of living another day.’

Disappointed, Mridula came back home. The next morning at 10 a.m., the doorbell rang. She heard the sound but continued sitting on the sofa. The cook, Sakamma, opened the door. It was Vani, a former student of Mridula’s. She was looking happy and holding a bunch of wedding cards in her hand. When she saw Mridula though, she stopped smiling. She knew that something was wrong. She said, ‘Madam, what is it? What’s the matter?’

Shocked, she sat down right next to Mridula.

Vani had been a student in Mridula’s school. Her family was not well off: her father was a rickshaw driver and she did not have a mother. She was brillant in studies and always got good
marks when she was younger. When she became Mridula’s student, Mridula had called her father and told him, ‘Don’t stop her education. She has a bright future. She can become a doctor.’

‘That may be true but I can’t afford it.’

Mridula had thought about it for a day. Then she had called Vani’s father and said, ‘I’ll sponsor your daughter till MBBS, only if you give me the assurance that you won’t marry her off before she completes her degree.’

Vani’s father had agreed happily.

Now, Vani had become a doctor and considered Mridula a mother figure and a mentor. Still, Mridula was unable to tell Vani anything. How could she tell her that the most famous and respected surgeon in Bangalore was cheating her?

Vani asked again, ‘Madam, what’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Your eyes tell me that you’re upset and sad.’

‘It’s nothing, Vani.’

Vani placed her hand on Mridula’s lap and said gently, ‘Madam, my mother is long gone. I look at you as a mother. If you think of me as your daughter, then you must tell me the truth.’

On hearing such kind words, Mridula started weeping. Vani held Mridula’s hands and questioned her again: ‘Madam, why are you crying?’

‘I’m really tired.’

‘Okay, then think of me as a doctor and tell me everything.’

‘My palms sweat. And my fingers tremble. It happens often.’

‘What else?’

‘I feel like crying round the clock and don’t feel like doing anything.’

‘And?’

‘My heart beats very fast. I have no enthusiasm for anything. I get scared and can’t sleep at night.’

‘Is there anything else?’

‘I don’t feel like getting ready or meeting people. But I don’t want to be alone either. I get negative thoughts all the time.’

‘Madam, I’m not an expert. But I think you need to talk to a psychiatrist.’

Since last year, Vani had been working at a psychiatric hospital. Mridula was concerned, ‘Does that mean that something’s wrong with my brain?’

‘Oh, madam. If you meet a psychiatrist, it doesn’t mean that you are mad or something’s wrong with your brain. You are an educated lady. If you talk like that, what can we expect of others?’

Mridula did not answer.

‘It may be difficult for you to share your personal problems with me. So you should see a professional. You know that there is a relationship between the mind and the body. It’ll probably be a simple course of treatment.’

Mridula was worried. What if Sanjay and Sishir learnt about her psychiatric treatment? Vani read her mind. ‘Madam, you don’t have to tell anyone. Just go meet the doctor. You may need help immediately if you are in depression. I’m sure that you’ll be fine quite quickly.’

Mridula was quiet. Vani changed the subject. ‘Madam, my wedding date has been set. If you hadn’t helped me, I wouldn’t be here today.’ She had tears of gratitude in her eyes.

Mridula wiped her own tears and said, ‘That’s really good. What do you plan to do after you get married?’

‘I have to do my post-graduation. My professor has just retired and started a private practice. I’ll give you all his details later. He’s kind and experienced. You must meet him.’

‘What does your husband do?’

‘He was my senior in college and is now a doctor too. After a few years, we’ll start our own hospital. You must come for our marriage and bless us.’

‘I will.’

After Vani left, Mridula prayed for her. ‘Every girl dreams of a wonderful marriage but for most, that dream never becomes real. Life after marriage is a battle. Only a few are truly lucky. Please let Vani be happy.’

The next day, Mridula took an autorickshaw and went to Dr Rao’s clinic in Basavanagudi. She was glad that there were only a few people in the waiting room. Thankfully, nobody recognized her. After ten minutes, she was called inside the doctor’s office.

Dr Rao was a stocky sixty-year-old man with grey hair and calm eyes. He smiled at Mridula as if he had known her for ever. At first, she was uncomfortable but the doctor’s demeanour made her feel at home. Gently, he asked her name.

‘Doctor, my name is Mridula. But first, I have a request—please don’t tell anyone about my visits.’

‘Don’t worry. I won’t.’

‘Doctor, I’m suffering from depression. Will I be cured completely?’

‘How do you know that it is depression?’

‘Sorry, Doctor, I came up with it on my own. I searched the Internet for my symptoms.’

‘That’s okay. And yes, you’ll be cured.’

‘Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?’

‘Not at all. The more you talk, the better it is. It shows that you’re interested in getting better.’

‘Doctor, I’m tired of everything.’

‘Mridula, don’t hold yourself back. You can cry if you want. It’ll release the tension. Please know that you may need some time to come back to your normal self.’

‘How much time, Doctor?’

‘It depends. Depression is just the tip of the iceberg. On an average, it takes nine months to be cured. You must meet me every other day.’

‘Okay, that’s fine.’ Mridula was disappointed because she was hoping to get well in a week.

‘Is there a history of depression in your family?’

‘As far as I know, no. Is it hereditary?’

‘To some extent. Apart from that, external factors greatly influence it. Sometimes, medicines are needed and sometimes they aren’t. You don’t need them.’

Mridula started seeing Dr Rao thrice a week.

Sanjay went about his business and did not realize that Mridula was seeing a doctor on a regular basis. His routine remained the same and he did not make any effort to talk to her.

During one of their meetings, Dr Rao wanted Mridula to talk about her childhood and family. She said, ‘Doctor, I’m the patient. Why do you need details about my family?’

‘Mridula, I want to find the root cause of your depression. Then the treatment will be easier and quicker. Tell me, how do you feel when you see homeless people on the streets?’

‘I feel that everyone is content except me.’

‘And whom do you pity?’

‘Beggars. They don’t have anything.’ Mridula started crying.

‘Mridula, can you bring your husband with you next time?’

Mridula did not say anything. She had not told Dr Rao who her husband was.

Dr Rao insisted. ‘Mridula, I want to talk to your husband. He plays an important role in your life. He needn’t come every time but I want at least three or four sessions with him.’

Mridula agreed to talk to Sanjay. When she came home, Sanjay was watching CNBC news.

Mridula said, ‘I am unwell.’

Without even lowering the volume of the TV, Sanjay replied, ‘Well, what is it?’

‘I have depression.’ There was a pause. Mridula continued, ‘I’m seeing Dr Rao on a regular basis.’

‘Since when?’

‘For three weeks now. He wants to meet you.’

Sanjay knew Dr Rao. He thought, ‘What a disgrace! Despite all that I’ve given her, she has become a mental patient. Is she making me responsible for her problems? Well, she’s wrong. What have I done to her? I just gave my sister money without asking her. If she’s become a mental patient because of that, then that just shows how weak she is. I’m not going to Dr Rao. People will recognize me in the waiting room and then the news will spread. What will my patients think? What will happen to the nursing home and my reputation?’

Mridula repeated, ‘Dr Rao wants to meet you.’

Sanjay did not respond.

Mridula knew that he did not want to go. But she said, ‘I’ll wait for you there at 4 p.m. tomorrow.’

The next day, Sanjay did not show up for the doctor’s appointment. Mridula felt embarrassed. However, she told Dr Rao, ‘Sanjay must have had an emergency.’

Dr Rao smiled and said, ‘That’s okay. Tell him to come for our next appointment.’

When Mridula got home, she saw Sanjay having dinner. She asked him, ‘Why didn’t you come to the doctor’s office? I had to tell him that you had an emergency.’

Sanjay took his cue from Mridula and said, ‘Yes, I did.’

‘Then come next time.’

‘Okay.’

But Sanjay never went for any of the sessions and gave Mridula a different excuse each time. In the end, Dr Rao said, ‘Mridula, your husband doesn’t have to come for our sessions. We’ll work without him.’

As time passed, Mridula started feeling better. Dr Rao was no longer just a doctor to her. He had become a good friend. He did not give her any injections or pills. One day, she told him, ‘Doctor, my husband wasn’t like this when we got married. I was the decision-maker then. He never cared about finances or money.’

‘The situation was different then. He was concentrating on studying and working hard. His motive wasn’t making money and your decisions were important. He may have gone through difficult situations where he was humiliated because he wasn’t powerful. Maybe that’s why he believes that power is money.’

‘Doctor, does a man not need gratitude and love?’

‘Of course. But in highly competitive fields like politics and business, these are considered weak and unwanted emotions. There is only one place at the top and you have to climb over others to reach it.’

‘But won’t that affect one’s family life?’

‘Yes, it will and it does. But the rules for family are different from the rules for business. One shouldn’t measure these two with the same yardstick. Softness is essential for a happy family. But a competitive attitude destroys a family. Statistics show that men are successful in business in the long term only if they have their family’s support.’

Mridula said, ‘Yes, I have always tried to support him. My husband never understands what I want—but he knows exactly what his sister wants.’

‘Mridula, what do you want?’

Mridula was taken aback. She was unable to pinpoint what she wanted. Even though she had everything, she felt inadequate.

Dr Rao continued, ‘In most marriages, women don’t know what they want and men don’t try to understand. The reverse is also true. Hence, spouses start blaming each other. I want to tell you a story.

‘A long time ago, there was a handsome prince. He was defeated in a war and an emperor took away his land. The emperor wanted to kill the young prince but when he looked at his youth and intelligence, he changed his mind. The emperor said, “I’ll give you a year to answer one question. If you answer it properly, I’ll give you your freedom and your kingdom. Otherwise, you’ll be executed.”

‘The prince asked, “What’s the question?”

‘“What does a woman want from a man?”

‘The prince travelled to different kingdoms and asked many people but could not find the answer. Eventually, he learnt that there was an old witch who might be able to help him. When he approached her, she said, “I’ll give you the answer, but my fee is high.”

‘“Please tell me.”

‘“You must marry me.”

‘The prince had no option and he agreed. The witch then said, “Every woman wants to change her life but no man understands how. He showers his wife with gifts that he likes but not with what she wants.”

‘When the emperor heard the answer, he was happy and the prince got his kingdom back. But now, he had to marry the old and ugly witch. On their wedding night, he was scared to sit next to her, but to his surprise, there was a beautiful maiden waiting for him. She smiled and said, “My prince, I appreciate your patience and word of honour. I have great power and I can remain beautiful either through the night or during the day. Which would you prefer?”

‘The prince was lost in thought. If she looked beautiful during the day, everyone would appreciate her, but at night, she would become a witch and it would be difficult for him to handle. And if she looked beautiful at night, it would be awkward to have an ugly queen during the day.

‘But by now, the prince knew what a woman wanted. So he said, “You can choose whichever you want.”

‘And the witch decided to stay beautiful all the time.’

After sharing this story, Dr Rao said, ‘Mridula, in a male-dominated society like ours, all the important decisions are made by a man, including choices about what his wife wants. Every woman values her freedom to choose—much more than her husband’s money or position. When I look at your life, you’ve been brought up in a progressive family but then you got married into a family with a different culture and economic status. That’s also one of the reasons for your problems.’

Incidents flashed before Mridula’s eyes.

Once, Sanjay had told her, ‘Mridula, I ordered a new car for you because I really like it.’

‘My car is only three years old and I like it just fine. I don’t want to change it right now.’

‘No, you don’t understand. The car is old now and doesn’t suit our status.’

Mridula had not known what to say.

Another day, Sanjay had said, ‘I saw an advertisement for the new Siemens phone and told Rosemary to order one for our house.’

‘Why? We don’t need it. We barely make any calls. Sishir isn’t here to use it either.’

‘No, I want the latest technology in our house.’

At that time, Mridula had lost her patience and snapped, ‘Is our house a laboratory that you want to keep getting new things and experimenting with them?’