Authors: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

Here's the Situation (5 page)

BOOK: Here's the Situation

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My abs wake from their involuntary slumber around late May.

But just because it's cold outside doesn't mean you should be hibernating. You can use the shirted months as a time to pack on muscle by lifting heavier and eating more chicken Parm. If you get a little heavier, that's okay. You'll have time to shed the fat before the sun returns from its winter siesta.
¹And make sure you're hitting up the tanning bed at least twice a month to keep your base coat primed. You don't want to be playing catch-up when Memorial Day rolls around. And of course, don't allow your dance muscles to atrophyâhit up those winter clubs (basically the junior varsity of clubs) every weekend to keep your moves fresh and your body limber.

(Keep in mind that, if your situation is at the right level, you just might find yourself spending the winter in beautiful Miami Beach with all expenses paid and the events recorded and broadcast on cable TV's highest-rated show.)

Getting There

As summer nears, you need to square arrangements for your share house down The Shore. Don't procrastinate on this critical element of your summer experience or you may find your GTL S.O.L. You can't creep without a headquarters, so establish your base of operations early with a solid group of trusted friends. The ideal share will have plenty of bedrooms, a grill, and of course a Jacuzzi.

That first Friday when you're preparing to leave work early and battle the traffic over the bridge, through the tunnel, and along the Garden State Parkway, you may find yourself so excited that you need to conference in all your bros on your cell and scream at the top of your lungs, “I'M GONNA POUND OUT EVERY BITCH FROM SANDY HOOK TO LONG BEACH ISLAND!”

This behavior is perfectly normal. And encouraged. You are experiencing the first stages of release from a long, miserable, dark winter. Your statement is only a metaphor for the fun you are about to have in the months ahead. But metaphor or not, it's still a good goal to strive for.

Vehicles

So how you going to get to the Jersey Shore? Don't tell me you're taking mass transit. That's for communists. You want to get yourself situated into a late model Escalade, or maybe a Range Rover, in either white or black. Because that's the only way to roll.

A luxury SUV is critical for weekend trips to The Shore, as it provides ample storage for T-shirts, protein supplements, and hair products. And it can fit up to ten guidettes when they're stacked on top of each other (including one Snooki-sized one in the glove box).

Ask The Sitch

Since I'm now chauffeured nearly everywhere in town cars and limos, I know some people are probably wondering if I ever pilot my own ride anymore. The answer is yes. I love to drive. In fact, when you get your own situation you'll definitely need to concern yourself with having a fleet of sweet rides in the garage for every situation. My brother and I share vehicles, which include a Range Rover, pickup truck, and Chrysler 300. In March 2010 I held an online auction for my hunter green, 1999 BMW 5-Series 528i, which I billed as the ultimate guido machine and a rare opportunity to own a piece of pop culture history. I also threw in a custom New Jersey GTL license plate that was given to me by MTV. Why did I auction my ride? Because it's my duty to give back.

As Per Your Environmental Situation

You might have noticed that I prefer vehicles that are as oversized as my personality, with a particular love for SUVs. Maybe these rides aren't the greenest ones out there. Alright, I admit it: A tricked-out Escalade gobbles fuel and spits out exhaust like Angelina chugs vodka and spews drama.

But I don't sweat it. Because what's the cleanest, most environmentally friendly source of power out there? Solar power, of course. And what am I, if not solar-powered? I absorb the sun's rays and convert them into fist-pumps. Soon, scientists will achieve the ability to harness the raw power of my fist-pumps. Just think, in a not-so-distant future, one night of me crushing it in the club could keep the Northeast lit for a year.

When he rolls in his ride, a dude should position himself as to minimally view the surrounding traffic through the opening in his steering wheel, approximately .0001 nanometers above the dash. That's plenty.

Can you guess these fresh vanity plates? (answers below):

1. NJCRPR

2. BANGME

3. SIKABS

4. FSTPMP

5. GFFPRZ

6. DWNSHR

7. GTLRMX

Answers:
1. New Jersey Creeper. 2. Self-explanatory. 3. Sick Abs. 4. Fist-pump. 5. Grenade-Free Foundation President. 6. Down The Shore. 7. GTL Remix.

Gassing Up Your Ride

Y
ou don't pump your own gas in The Jerzâit's the law. And it should be the law of the land. The very thought of citizens in other statesâAmerican citizens!âhandling petroleum implements with their bare skin makes The Sitch sick. How can you stay fresh when you smell like an arsonist? Are we not men?

The traffic to The Shore can be brutal. You've got ten thousand people who want to party crammed onto one Turnpike. You've got to watch the exit numbers creep down from over 125 to that magical number 82âthe exit for Tom's River and Seaside Heights. As you sit there, you're going to be tempted to cut it short, to hit exit 102 for Asbury Park or exit 98 for Belmar. My friends, don't do it. Stick with it and stay true till 82. As you exit the parkway and get onto route 37, your pulse should begin to rise. As you cross the mighty Barnegat Bay, you should pound an energy drink and bump your house music to the maximum tolerance of your SUV's speaker system. Soon enough you'll hear the seagulls and smell the salt air. At that point you'll know that it was all worth it, and that summer has officially begun.

Lost in the Pine Barrens

In the event you try an ill-conceived shortcut to avoid traffic to The Shore you run the risk of finding yourself hopelessly lost in the New Jersey Pine Barrens. Many a bro has found himself in this predicament, so I've constructed a survival guide to keep your game fresh until help arrives. A GTL Triage, if you will.

The Situation's Outdoor Survival Guide
Nutrition

The first thing you'll need to do is consume a protein shake to maintain your energy level. Construct a rainwater receptacle by turning an Ed Hardy tee inside out (to protect the graphic and various adornments) and stretching it between four vertical sticks. Weigh down the center with a tube of gel to channel fresh water into one of those plastic cocktail cones that Snooki always drinks from. (Note: keep plenty of those cones handy. For Snooki and life-or-death emergencies.)

Use your iPhone to peel away pine bark, revealing the pulp and sap beneath (sorry, there's no app for this). Muddle together the water and pulp (mixing in sap and bits of pine bark to taste) until you have a thick protein beverage packed with dense nutrients. Set aside any excess sap for later use in case you run low on gel while skilling your backwoods blowout.

Gym

Most people attempting to rock their GTL in the great outdoors will try to fashion a dumbbell out of heavy stones, but that severely limits your isometric resistance. An experienced gym rat knows that live wood-land creatures are his best bet for hammering his biceps, Grizzly Adams style.

Being lost in the Pine Barrens doesn't exempt you from a minimum of thirty minutes of cardiovascular exercise per day. Rip a good-sized live tree from the earth with your bare hands and hurl it into the nearest body of water. Scramble your playlist and jump on to burn some serious calories so there's no flab hiding those abs.

Tanning