Frayed (14 page)

“I’d never—” I began hotly, but Amanda continued before I could finish.

“You don’t remember your parents, do you?”

“No.”

“But Kesley did, didn’t she? She talked about them with me. Said she remembered every small detail about them. And guess what? It’s not like she could have told you because
you
were too busy stewing in your own misery to even contemplate hers.”

“That’s not true,” I whispered. “She could always talk to me.”

Amanda laughed, a cold sound that reverberated off the ceiling. “Whatever. That’s not the impression I got. Can’t you see? She was just as cold and scared, as miserable as you were, and unlike you, she had no one to comfort her. So she turned to the only places she could: drugs, alcohol, violence. I guess that’s why we were such a brilliantly matched pair,” she added with a twisted smile.

“Yeah, well,” I said heatedly. “It’s not as much fun now that someone appears to be picking you all off, is it? Maybe she
did
deserve it after all. Who knows? You might be next.” The words escaped before I could snatch them back. They hung in the air like poison.

Amanda’s chair screamed against the tiles as she stood up, and I flinched at the thunderous edge to her gaze. She stood over me, eyes flashing, a snarl twisting her mouth. She grabbed my arms, holding me in a vice-like grip.

“Let go,” I whimpered. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Whatever.” She let go of my arm, leaving a red mark. “Just don’t imply it was her fault for getting killed, all right, bitch?”

Meekly, I nodded, and then she settled back in her chair as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. She continued her story, though I noticed the tight lines of tension around her mouth and eyes. She was still seething inside, I knew, so this time, I kept my mouth shut.

“We found the others next,” she said. “May, Riley, Abbey. Kesley came up with the name. She said she wanted something that would stick, which KARMA did. We also liked the idea of people getting what they deserved. But that…that was when things began to go downhill.”

“Downhill? How?”

“Kesley asked us to cover for her,” Amanda said. “Said she didn’t want her reputation to be tarnished. She was right, I guess, because look where we are today, hey? None of us really wanted to do it, but we did anyway.”

“Why?” I asked, my eyes narrowing. “If she was that awful to you, if she was asking you to take all the blame, then why would you?”

Amanda looked sideways at me. “Because she gave me something nobody else has, Ava. Belonging.” She leaned her head against the cool marble surface of the countertop and closed her eyes. She looked tired; the lines around her mouth were softening out into smooth skin again. There was no more talk on the subject, though my mind still burned with curiosity and guilt. I couldn’t deny that guilt. Its sharp edge grated at the thought of what Amanda had told me.

Why hadn’t Kesley come to me? Talked to me?

Or even Diana?

But most of the time, it had just been us. Kesley and me. Diana’s hours at work were crazy, but even so, I couldn’t help but wonder why she’d kept everything to herself.

I stared out the window. A yellow glow highlighted the street beyond and the frost creeping across the lawn.

Something occurred to me then.

“Amanda,” I said, and she looked up at the tone of my voice. “Why did you come here? I mean, don’t you want to be with May or Riley or Abbey?” She glanced into the dregs of her tea. Her eyes narrowed as she scraped her wooden chair back. I cringed, thinking the sound would wake my mother.

“You’re right,” she said, flipping her golden-brown curls over her shoulder. “I probably shouldn’t have come here. It’s not like you’re Kesley.” She half sauntered, half stumbled out into the hallway.

“Amanda,” I called out—but softly.

She turned with one foot out the door, her body angled toward me. Her eyes shone with unshed tears. “Whoever is responsible for this must be badly fucked up. Because Kesley
never
deserved this.” With that, she slammed the door with a splintering crash.

I flinched and stood there, frozen, until I heard soft footfalls and spun around. “Who was that?” asked my mother. Her hair was pulled up tightly, her eyes still glazed with sleep, but her look of awareness told me she probably hadn’t been fully asleep.

I shook my head, thinking quickly. “It wasn’t anyone important. Just someone from across the street.”

• • •

I stayed up for hours after that.

For the first time since I’d known her, Amanda had been open toward me. Gone for once was the girl who graffitied the walls and stole candy bars from the local corner store. Gone was the girl who made fun of me in the hallways, who stole answers for tests so she could pass. She’d become something more real to me.

Thoughts tumbled and twisted over each other until tiredness blurred them into an incoherent mess. I couldn’t sleep. No matter what I thought of, I always ended up with the same unanswerable questions.

I sat on the edge of my bed and stared through the moonlit windows, running my fingers along the left side of my face absently. Tonight, my hair was pulled back, so why not be braver than usual? I slipped from the bed and entered the one place where I hadn’t been since Kesley’s death: her room.

The curtains had been pulled back and lamplight spilled through, illuminating the chestnut brown of Kesley’s wardrobe. Shoulders back, chin high, I felt my way through the semidarkness and pulled the double doors wide open. The smell of mildew hit me first, and I recoiled, wrinkling my nose. Kesley kept most of her clothes in the chest of drawers beside her bed, leaving the wardrobe for old clothes she thought weren’t cool enough to wear to school. A few long bags from the dry cleaners hung down, encasing long gowns she wore to school dances.

I felt through them, not searching for anything in particular, more letting the feeling of nostalgia wash over me. My fingers scratched against the hardwood back of the wardrobe. Struck by sudden inspiration, I ran my fingertips along the edge of the wood, searching, searching, until I found a slight groove.

If you weren’t looking for it, you’d never know it was there.

Kesley liked to hide things. Underneath piano keys, behind paintings, underneath loose floorboards, and wherever else there was a slip of space. So why not here? I slotted my nails into the small grooves in the wood that ran around the back of the wardrobe and pulled forward. There was a grating sound, a squeal that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention, and the plank of wood fell out of place.

I stared at what lay behind the plank. Highlighted by the thin beams of lamplight lay rope.

Rope?

I yanked it forward until it fell loose, and soon, a weathered and knotted piece of old rope was curled in my fingers. The piece of rope was brittle and old and felt like it might snap if I held it too tightly.

Rope. Kesley had
rope
in her wardrobe.

But that didn’t unnerve me as much as the way the rope was twisted to form the shape of a circle.

It looked like a noose, and the sick irony of it all was not lost on me.

I stuffed it back into the wardrobe and slammed it shut, not even caring if my mother came to investigate what the noise was. I couldn’t breathe, knowing what I’d just seen. My heart pounded, my hands shook, my stomach rolled. Had things really gotten that bad? Had things descended to that point where Kesley would have…?

No, surely not.

I stumbled back to bed in a daze, closing the door quietly behind me. I didn’t know what to do. I crawled into bed and covered my head with my pillow, letting salty tears soak into it. If I had thought going into Kesley’s room would give me comfort, I had been horribly wrong.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t intend to drift off, but I must have.

At first, the only thing I noticed was the darkness. A suffocating, thick darkness. Slowly, carefully, someone placed the scratchy tightness of a rope around my neck. It was no longer just the darkness that felt suffocating. I clawed at the rope around my neck, my nails splintering with the effort. My heart pounded in my chest. Warm blood oozed over my fingers, and the more I tried to breathe, the more I tried to
survive
, the tighter the rope became. I stretched my mouth into a scream, but all that came out was a sort of strangled gurgle. Panic flooded me. Hot and cold. Sweat dripped down my shoulder blades. And amid the panic, the all-consuming fear, I wondered:
Am I going to die?

• • •

I jolted awake, a silent scream curving my mouth. I sucked in breath after breath, my throat spasming. Cold sweat made my clothes cling uncomfortably to my skin.
A dream
, I thought, curling my hands around my neck and feeling the roughened, warped skin.
It was just a dream
.
Dreams can’t hurt me.
But that knowledge only made my stomach tighten with illness. For me, of course, it had only been a dream, but for Kesley…

Was this what it had been like? A breathless despair, a clawing, terrible desperation? Did she claw at her attacker? Did she fight for her life?

I breathed out a shaky, controlled breath.

I rolled over in my bed and twisted the pillow underneath me, closed my eyes, and prayed for dreamless sleep.

On Tuesday, Amanda decided we were going to do something about Kesley’s murderer. Chilled morning air hit my face as I made my way to the park where we had agreed to meet. Partly because it would be empty early in the morning and partly because none of us wanted to talk about everything at school, where we could easily be overheard. What if the killer was at our school?

Since I’d found that rope in Kesley’s wardrobe, my dreams had been filled with lakes and blood and frayed ropes, and sleep was scarce. So when light started creeping over the horizon, I’d called it quits and gotten up. The town of Circling Pines was still shrouded in a thick jacket of darkness, and as I walked with Rafe down the street, a shiver went through me—and not because of the cold.

The thought that this place, my home, was no longer safe made me shake.

Riley had a sour look twisting her face as I neared her. She was leaning against one of the street lamps, her cropped red hair gilded with gold from its shine. May lurked in the shadows just behind Riley. Abbey was beside Riley, headphones stuck in her ears as usual. When she saw Rafe and me approaching, she pulled them out and gave us a wide smile.

“Is Amanda here yet?” I asked once we were within hearing range.

Rafe and I came to a stop on the path that led into the trees. They looked dark, more menacing than usual.

Riley flicked a glance at Rafe. “What’s he doing here?”

I stared at her coolly. “I brought him along. So Amanda isn’t here?”

Creases appeared around Riley’s mouth, making her look as though she wanted to say more about Rafe. But she only said, “Not yet. She’ll be here when she is.”

Despite our conversation last night, I wasn’t surprised Amanda hadn’t shown. And not just because she’d have a killer hangover right now. She had been more honest with me last night than anyone had been in a long, long time.

Silence wrapped around us, a tense, cold silence. I was the first to break it. “I want to go to the police,” I said.

“Oh yeah?” Riley’s voice was taunting. “And tell them what?”

“
Everything!
Riley, everything we could tell them might help—”

“Kesley didn’t want their help,” said Riley.

“Why?” My eyes stung with angry tears. “Because it might ruin her perfect reputation? And why does any of that really matter anymore? She’s
dead
.”

“Standing here arguing about it isn’t gonna do Kesley any help,” said a voice from behind us. Amanda had shown up. I turned around, hoping to catch her eye, but she avoided my gaze. She stood just outside the lamplight, which cast her face in deep shadow. Not that I really expected anything more from Amanda, but I couldn’t help but feel a stab of disappointment that she wasn’t showing me the open side of her that I knew she could.

“This was all your idea,” I reminded Amanda harshly.

“Yeah. And I came here to actually
do
something. Not just come up with stupid ideas that aren’t going to get us anywhere.”

“You know what normal people do when someone is murdered?” I said. “They let the police deal with it. So what are we doing here exactly?”

“We’re gonna do something about it. Either you’re in or you’re out, Ava. The choice is yours.”

But, really, she was not giving me a choice, and we both knew this. “Fine,” I said through clenched teeth. “What is it that you want to do?”

“We go back to where it all started,” she said.

“All started?” I echoed, confused. “What do you mean by that?”

“Lake O’Hara,” said Riley. I focused my gaze on her, unsure of what she meant. When she saw my expression, she said, “You used to go there every summer, right?”

“Yes, of course. But—”

“But
what
?” spat Riley.

“What good would that do? The place was searched by the police, Riley. It was cordoned off for
weeks
, and I’m no detective.”

“I think Ava is right,” Rafe said.

Her narrowed eyes snapped to him. “What other choice do we have?”

“How about we just let the police figure this out?
Please
, Riley,” I said.

Going back to the lake wasn’t appealing in the slightest. It would dredge up memories and emotions I would much rather forget.
I am like glass
, I couldn’t help but think. Those memories would be the ones to make me shatter. I just knew it. Going back there without Kesley would hurt too much.

Rafe was watching me knowingly.

But my opinions were outweighed. Amanda stayed oddly quiet, looking at me every few moments, but May and Riley seemed to be resolutely set on the idea of going to Lake O’Hara. Even Abbey just shrugged at me when I cast her a final pleading look.

“We need time, Riley, and we don’t have that. We’d need to stay there at least overnight if we wanted to find anything substantial, and bookings have to be done months in advance.” It was a weak excuse, and we all knew it.

Riley said, “It’s almost freakin’ winter. Who’s going to be there now? And we don’t have to take the shuttle bus or anything. We can take the access road.”

There were two ways to get to Lake O’Hara: either hike down the eight-mile access road or take the shuttle bus. In the summer, the shuttle bus was always packed with tourists, so we would hike down the path. The hike was bearable, if not a little bland, yet hiking down a gravel pathway for two hours didn’t sound like much fun with the impending winter.

This isn’t about fun
, I reminded myself.
This is about catching a killer.

And besides, Riley had a point. Not many people would be there now. Tourists were generally scared off by the cold weather, and with Kesley’s murder, Lake O’Hara wasn’t where most people wanted to be right now. It would be the perfect time to sniff around.

I felt a flutter of brief panic, sensing that this conversation was rapidly drawing to a close. I wanted to put up a stronger fight, but what would make these girls change their minds? I was scared, plain and simple, and I knew that wasn’t going to be enough of a reason—for Riley and Amanda especially. May would be a touch more considerate, and Abbey seemed indifferent to the whole situation.

And sometimes…sometimes, I fought so hard for things that I forgot what I was fighting for.
Kesley
, I had to keep reminding myself. I was fighting for Kesley.

“Fine,” I said.

“Ava…” I looked around at Rafe, who brushed his fingertips along my cheekbones. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I do,” I said. “For Kesley.”

I searched his eyes, begging for him to understand. Eventually, he just sighed, and I knew that was the best I was going to get.

I turned to Riley and the others. “When are we leaving?” I asked.

Riley’s mouth curved in a triumphant smile.

• • •

The sun rose over the next half hour, sending chinks of golden light across the tops of the trees as we worked out the details. We were to leave this Friday and return Sunday afternoon, which should give us plenty of time to find
something
. I remained adamant that we’d find nothing, but there was a dangerous gleam in Riley’s eyes that told me not to argue.

The next part proved more difficult. What on earth was I supposed to tell my mother? For the others, it was easy. But, of course, they didn’t have a mother who watched them like a hawk.

“Lia?” May suggested. “Say you’re sleeping over at her house for the weekend. Studying for a test.”

I raised an eyebrow at her. “That’s not going to work,” I said.

“Oh.” May shrank back into the receding shadows, realizing what she’d said. “No, of course not. Sorry.”

“I’ll figure something out,” I said to Amanda and Riley, who just nodded, not offering any advice.

May pulled me aside as the others began to move away. Amanda was already halfway down the street, Riley close behind. Abbey gave me a halfhearted wave before following the rest of her gang.

“Sorry about Jackson,” May said bluntly. “I didn’t know what he was doing. Honestly. I’d have told you otherwise.” I looked at the brown hair that fell just past her shoulders, the open-faced expression, the way her eyes looked almost exactly like Jackson’s. I felt my lips rise into a reluctant smile. I’d always thought of May as the cruel one, but oh how wrong I had been.

“I didn’t think you knew,” I said. “And you don’t have a reason to be sorry.”

She grimaced, looking over her shoulder at the rest of her gang. She said, “Thanks, Ava. I’ll see you at school.” I watched the four of them disappear down the street and around the bend.

“Amanda seemed quiet,” Rafe said from behind me.

“Yeah.” I glanced up.

“Want to explain why?”

I found it slightly hypocritical that he expected me to tell him everything when he was carrying more secrets than I could possibly imagine. Still, I explained what had happened with Amanda at my house the night before. He listened, not interrupting until I finished my story and explained my fears about everything, even what Amanda told me.

And still I was careful not to mention the rope. He didn’t need to know about that.

Rafe’s voice was gentle, careful, when he spoke. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said. “Whatever Amanda said, it still wasn’t your fault. Kesley made her own decisions, and you made yours.”

My eyes stung with unshed tears, but I didn’t let them fall. “But I could have said something, Rafe. I could have
done something
, and maybe she wouldn’t have hated me so much—”

“She didn’t hate you,” Rafe said so quietly I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly.

“It sure felt that way.”

He cupped my cheeks with both his hands, looking me in the eyes. “I’m sure you knew your sister better than I did, but if there’s absolutely one thing in this world I am sure of, it’s that she loved you.”

He was wrong. I wasn’t sure I really knew her at all.

I didn’t say anything more and instead let him take my hand and lead me through the park. Early morning light peeked through the tops of the trees not long before school was due to start. The park was almost empty, with just a few early morning walkers enjoying the serene atmosphere.

Rafe pulled me into the trees and up the winding path that led to that place he’d taken me once before, the place where I’d almost kissed him. I felt my ears and cheeks redden at the thought, and I turned away so he wouldn’t be able to see me blush.

We rounded a bend and there they were. Wrapped around each other like they didn’t know when they’d see each other next. Lia’s hair gleamed in the sunshine. They were entwined on the same rock where I’d perched only a few weeks ago. Rafe coughed loudly. They broke apart and glanced around, Jackson’s arm still slung around Lia’s slender waist.

“Yeah?” It was Jackson who spoke, his gaze darting back and forth between Rafe and me, and then I noticed how our hands were joined together. I pulled away, wrapping my arms around my middle. “You got a problem?”

“It’s okay,” Lia said finally as she pulled herself from Jackson’s tight, almost possessive grip. She moved, her steps lithe and sure, until she stood before me. She slanted her gaze at Rafe, who got the hint and strode to the edge of the tree line, hands in his pockets.

I stared at Lia. She was looking away from me, over my shoulder, and the awkwardness was almost palpable.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey,” she said. “So, we haven’t talked since—”

“Since I saw you kissing my boyfriend. I know.”

She sighed, steam gushing from her mouth. Her eyebrows narrowed, and she tucked her hands into her pockets, obviously uncomfortable. “I like him, Ava. I really do. I…” She trailed off, then met my gaze, her eyes as hard as steel.

I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.
I repeated the mantra in my head, hoping that if I said it enough times, it would become true.

“That’s not
fair
, Lia,” I whispered, my voice almost a hiss. “You and Jackson were the only people in my life that I felt like I could
trust
. And you…you took my friendship and you tore it up like it meant
nothing
to you.”

A flicker of something—maybe sadness, maybe regret—passed over her face. “I’m sorry, Ava. I… It was never, ever supposed to happen like this, I swear. I thought that after that last time, you would have ended things. You would have gotten over him, and everything would have been fine. And when you didn’t…” She swallowed, rocking back on her heels, then said very quietly, “Do you think we can still be friends?”

Could we? Could we go back to that place after everything that had happened?
No.
There was no doubt, none at all, that everything had gone too far for that to happen. I didn’t have to say anything to Lia.

She saw the answer already written on my face.

She turned and walked away, stalking back to Jackson and tugging him along the trail to the main road. I watched her, but she didn’t look back at me, and I felt a sharp sting of…what? Not jealousy really. More sadness for a friendship I wasn’t sure could ever be repaired.

I breathed out a sigh, turning away.

Rafe was watching Jackson leave with narrowed eyes, a twitch in his jaw. When he saw me watching him, he said, “Just say the word and I’ll punch him till he’s black and blue.”

I rolled my eyes. “While I find your show of protective manliness flattering, he’s not worth it.”

Rafe regarded my expression for a moment. “You don’t look upset,” he said, his eyebrows lifting slightly.

I shrugged, wrapping my arms around myself. “I don’t miss him as much as I thought I would. I think my heart was already fractured before he broke it completely.” For the first time in a long time, perhaps longer than I’d first realized, I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I wasn’t sure why this was. After all the things that had happened, shouldn’t I have been feeling worse? But there was something about being with Rafe that seemed to lift all the worries from my shoulders or at least ease them a bit. I felt their presence lurking in the back of my mind, but I could push them back, allowing my mind to focus on other things.