Floods 9 (3 page)

‘Absolutely,' agreed the Headmaster.

‘And remember, children,' said Quicklime's Matron, ‘that I am here to treat you in case the old ladies hit back. Some of them are pretty dangerous. They can take your eyes out with a well-aimed handbag.'

The first thing the students had to do was disguise themselves, because the Stock Exchange wouldn't let anyone younger than eighteen inside. Once again Winchflat came to the rescue with some wonderful I-May-Look-Too-Young-But-Here-Is-My-Driving-Licence-Which-Tells-You-I-Am-Twenty-One-Hats. Whoever wore one, even if they were eight or eighty-eight years old, instantly made any human believe they were twenty-three and old enough for anything.

The Cook, who was fifty-seven, put one on and went downstairs to the nearest bar where seven twenty-two-year-old yuppies fell in love with her.

As well as the magic hats, everyone was given a disguise. All the girls were turned blonde, with big, powerful hairstyles because it is against
regulations for women to enter the New York Stock Exchange if they are not blonde. There is actually a special doorman whose sole job is to check female blondeness. If there is a hint of any other colour in their hair or the style is not big enough, they are banned. One of the most successful shops in New York is a hairdressers opposite the Exchange that specialises in blonding and plumping up. It's called ‘Who Wants To Have A Million Hairs?'
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Capes, pointed hats and all the other lovely clothes witches and wizards wear were replaced with boring business suits, flashy waistcoats and clipboards.

‘Excellent,' said Aubergine Wealth as he inspected his students. ‘Let's go to work.'

‘Excuse me, sir,' said Betty, ‘but what exactly are we going to do?'

‘We are going to take over the world.'

‘Fair enough,' said Betty. ‘How?'

‘We are going to buy everything,' said Aubergine Wealth. ‘Or rather, everything that's valuable.'

‘All of the sticks?' said Satanella. ‘Wow, and can we buy all the red rubber balls too?'

‘Sticks, what sticks?' said Aubergine Wealth.

‘On the Stick Exchange,' said Satanella.

‘It's the Stock Exchange,' said Aubergine Wealth.

‘Now that's where I come in,' said the Cook. ‘If there's one thing I know a lot about it's stock – chicken stock, beef stock, lizard stock, you name it. I've got recipes for them all.'

Aubergine Wealth sat down and buried his head in his hands.

‘Well, I do,' said the Cook.

‘No doubt, dear lady,' said Aubergine Wealth. ‘But they're not that sort of stocks.'

‘Don't worry, dear,' said the Cook. ‘I've used them all, even Tasmanian tiger and dodo and cabbage. If a stock exists, I've made it.'

Aubergine Wealth groaned. This sort of thing is a common problem for anyone who is an expert on
something that might look a bit complicated, such as building a nuclear-powered spaceship or making soy products actually taste half-decent. Experts who can perform advanced quadratic equations
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in their sleep whilst reciting π to nineteen million places simply can't get their heads round the fact that there are people for whom adding one and one is a foreign country they will never visit.

So it was that, after Aubergine Wealth had recovered from explaining stocks to the Cook and finished describing Naked Short Selling,
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most of them thought it meant taking your trousers off and selling them. Of course, Winchflat and the three-legged Maranzio triplets from the Isle of Man
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understood straightaway. So it was decided that the four of them would go to the Stock Exchange and
start wheeling and dealing while the other children would do the things they were best at.

‘So, at the end of each day, we will all meet back here,' said the Headmaster, ‘and whoever has made the most money at the end of Summer School will get a prize.'

‘But, aren't there more important things in life than money?' said Betty.

The room fell silent. Everyone, including Ffiona, was speechless.

‘Wow,' said Merlinmary finally. ‘Our little sister has turned into a hippy.'

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WARNING: Do NOT try this at home, or outdoors or in anyone else's home, and NEVER try it while the egg is still inside the chicken – which the Cook was tempted to, but DIDN'T.

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What Aubergine Wealth didn't say was that Wall Street was probably the third biggest bag of money because his own bag of money, which he kept under his bed, was actually bigger. Yes, he had a VERY BIG bed and ‘under his bed' was actually seven stories of his house, which were all packed to their ceilings with cash, jewellery, bonds, and metals and diamonds.

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We have a problem here and it's this: most intelligent people fall asleep when someone starts talking about stocks and shares and accounts and sub-prime mortgages. I know I do. And why? Because it's REALLY, REALLY BORING. After all, there is only one thing you need to know – always try to get more money than you are spending. The trouble is that this story is all about sub-pr . . .

Oops, sorry, fell asleep there.

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One of the most popular souvenirs you can buy in New York is the special New York Stock Exchange Barbie Doll, which has twice as much blonde hair as any other Barbie.

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I don't know what they are, but they sound really complicated and BORING.

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I don't know what that is either, but I do know that it's illegal. Probably better if you look this up on Google.

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Which I believe is about to be re-named the Isle of Non-Specific-Gender Persons because of a European Commission on Equality regulation.

As you know, it's a different time of day in different parts of the world. Although this makes life quite complicated, it's not nearly as complicated as it would be if it was the same time everywhere. If it was, we would have to go to bed before breakfast and eat dinner in our sleep and
Desperate Housewives
would finish before it had started.

When work finishes for the day in one country and banks and stock exchanges close for the night, it is just beginning in another and some people make lots of money simply by moving it around the world. If what they are doing is against the law in one country, all they have to do is move to a
different country where it isn't. Transylvania Waters is probably the best country in the world to be if you want to get as rich as possible as quickly as possible without getting into trouble. Most countries have a business district where most of the banks and stocks and shares places are. Transylvania Waters has one too, but because the country is run by witches and wizards, theirs is better. On one side of the street it is always five minutes before the end of the working day no matter what country you are dealing with. And on the other side of the street it is five minutes after work starts. Just by walking over the road, you can have someone's money to play with for a whole day, before they expect it to arrive, and if you do this on a Friday, their money is yours for a whole weekend.

When it comes to horse-racing, time is very important too. Obviously, you are only allowed to place a bet before a race starts. But if you are a witch or a wizard that's not a problem – and if you are an identical twin as well, you can't fail.

While Morbid went to the biggest bookmakers in New York, Silent went to the race track to choose
the horses. Five minutes before the race was to start, Morbid made every single clock and watch in the whole of New York go back two-and-a-half minutes, except for the starter's. Silent noted the winners of each race and sent them telepathically to Morbid, who then placed a bet.

Obviously, if he had bet on every race, it would have looked a bit suspicious. So he only chose the races where an outsider, who wasn't expected to win and therefore offered much better odds, had won. After a couple of races, Morbid went to a different bookmaker and placed his winnings on another race. At some point between races, when he calculated no one would notice, he changed the clocks back to the right time.

Humans had tried this sort of thing themselves, but had always got found out. One at the race track talked to one in the betting shop with a walkie-talkie. Of course, humans couldn't make all the clocks jump backwards and forwards like Morbid so they seldom managed to place a bet in time. The twins also had extra insurance. If anyone ever became suspicious
and looked at the security camera records from the race track and the betting shops, they would see what looked like the same person in the same place at the same time, which is impossible.
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‘It's like taking candy from a baby,' Morbid said at the end of the day as the twins counted out the money they had won.

One million, six hundred and thirty-four thousand dollars.

They were at the top of the leader board.

At the bottom of the leader board was Betty, who still thought it was all a bit wrong. She had made seven dollars and fifty cents selling lemonade in the street on the coldest day of the month when everyone really wanted a hot drink and had only bought the lemonade because they felt sorry for her. Even Ffiona had made more than Betty just by taking empty bottles she picked up round the streets to the recycling centre.

‘There must be some way to make a lot of money
that isn't bad,' said Ffiona, who quite liked the idea of being rich.

‘What, you mean like Robin Hood, taking from the rich to give to the poor?' said Betty.

‘Yes, that would be OK, sort of,' said Ffiona.

‘What do you mean, sort of?'

‘Well, as long as the poor was us. I mean, I never really believed Robin Hood. After all, he was an English Lord, so he was probably rich anyway,' said Ffiona. ‘I don't think his giving to the poor involved giving them any of his own money. If he'd really been such a great, kind, lovely person, he could have just given his own money away and not bothered with all the robbing and stuff.'