Fix Up (13 page)

"But you thought he'd break up the last time I saw you." He's now looking intently at me, his bright blue eyes seeking inside me, inside my head. I can't hide.

"I have my issues," I say and shrug, never breaking the eye contact with him. "Duke is still very attached to his girlfriend who died in a car crash, and whenever there's something wrong between us, I compare myself to what I know about her. I come short. I can't just forget this part of his past, not when I don't really see what he finds in me so interesting, so lovable."

Dr. Marshall nods and sighs, putting down his pen on his desk with more force than needed. The pen clinks on the top of the desk, and I break the eye contact. "It's always difficult to deal with other people's past. It's not just you, Skye." His voice sounds defeated, almost like he's giving up. I feel myself blush. Kate was right about him. My psychologist has a little crush on me. I've got an older man, very successful in his professional life, very balanced, crushing on me. At his words, I understand he was secretly hoping my relationship with Duke would come to an end, and I don't know how I feel about that.

"What's your first name?" I blurt out suddenly, now focusing on this tiny, completely ridiculous detail considering the epiphany I just had. I guess my mind is really weird when confronted to unexpected things.

He leans back, obviously as startled by my question as I am. "I don't really see the point. We're talking about your relationship."

I press my left palm to my hot cheek and close my eyes for a second, trying to calm down and put back on a mask of some kind of control. When I open my eyes, Dr. Marshall is intently looking at me, his cheeks slightly pink like always when I'm asking him something that takes him by surprise. Somehow, I think he's not used to being taken by surprise.

"I know, it's just ... it's just that I don't know you at all."

"Charles. My name is Charles Marshall," he says in a hushed voice, almost like he's afraid to be heard. Maybe it's because he's breaking some kind of unspoken rule by telling me his first name.

So, he's a Charles. I guess it fits his nerdy cute good looks. I nod and smile at him. I don't know what I'm doing, why I need to create some kind of real bond with this man. I'm playing with fire and I know it, but I like feeling like this. Feeling normal, I am enjoying the effect I might have on a man other than my boyfriend.

"I suppose now I should talk about my meeting with Sean's mother."

He recomposes himself, sits straighter and waves at me to continue. "I'm glad I saw her, but she didn't take it well when I talked about her husband."

"You know from experience that women in her situation often reject the help of others at first."

"But it's not just my help! My parents tried to help her before what happened last time with Sean, and she didn't want to hear a word." I tap a ghostly rhythm on the desk with my index and middle finger. "It's like she thinks it'll pass."

Dr. Marshall takes some notes, making me almost groan. I'd love to read those damn notes. "Don't you think you're angry because you see yourself in her? You told me yourself that you don't really know what you still feel for Sean."

I shrug and instantly feel my eyes getting all watery. I guess it's useless now to push everything away and ignore what my head and heart are both screaming. "A part of me still cares about Sean, and it's awful."

He puts down his pen and entwines his fingers, almost like he's about to pray or something. "Why is it awful?"

I roll my eyes at his ridiculous question and tears run down my face. I hear his intake of breath, but I can't see him through the blur of my tears. "Because he tried to rape me and was on the brink of murdering me! He's a monster, and all I can think about is the sweet guy I first met and fell in love with!"

"You hope to see this boy back, don't you?"

I dry my face with angry movements and glare at my psychologist digging into the dirt, making my heart bleed and waking up the guilt I feel when I think about how it'd hurt for Duke to know this. Or maybe that's why we fought in the first place, maybe it's because he knew it.

"I don’t love him anymore, and it's been a while since I’ve stopped loving him," I answer with my voice shaking as a new round of tears is menacing to break free. "But I want to believe he's still in there somewhere. I can't imagine that all of him is a monster."

"Why?"

"Because he's the first boy I fell in love with, the first boyfriend I had, the one I had sex with for the first time, the one to whom I offered all of me without fear or restriction. He was my first everything, and I can't forget it or him."

I can't forget, even though I'd do anything to wipe it from my memory. I'm crying silently, fat tears falling down my cleavage as Dr. Marshall is handing me some tissues. I thank him with a nod, now unable to even mutter a word past the big lump closing my throat.

"I know it hurts to feel this kind of connection with someone you want to hate, but it's a big step to acknowledge this."

"What does that say about me?"

"That you're human. You're wonderfully human and in tune with the burning feelings inside of you. Not all emotions and feelings are good, nor are they easy to understand and deal with, but the winners in life are those that accept each one of them. Now that you can face these emotions, it'll be easier to deal with what happened to you."

"You look quite sure of yourself."

"I guess I'm a good psychologist."

I laugh between tears. Maybe Dr. Marshall is not completely professional with me, maybe he's crushing on me or maybe it's just me thinking that way because I find some kind of reassurance in thinking that other men can feel attracted to me. But the most important thing is, he's the person who's doing me some good, who makes me feel better. I don't want to think beyond that just yet. Charles is helping me, and I love talking with him.

*  *  *

SKYE

"Are you sure it's okay with you if you stay here tonight?" Kate asks me for the third time as we're making ourselves cosy on her bed with several packs of M&Ms, the sweet little drug she got me hooked on.

I roll my eyes behind her back and grab the remote. "You told me that you need a girls night in, I don't see why I wouldn't do that."

She opens a pack of M&Ms and doesn't hesitate before taking some for herself and hands me the pack. "I thought that you'd want to spend the night with Duke."

I shrug and press play on the remote. We decided to watch a movie we both love,
Pride and Prejudice
. This is the version with Keira Knightley and the actor whose name I never remember. "After an appointment with my psychologist, I don't feel all lovey-dovey, and a calm night is exactly what I need. With Duke, it's always quite complicated. Just loving him is complicated for me most of the time."

I glance at her as the DVD is playing the theme music of the movie on the menu. She's looking down at the M&Ms in her hand, the colorful things contrasting with the pale pigment of her soft skin. "Don't you think it's because Duke doesn't know how young Dr. Marshall is?"

Sighing, I kiss the peaceful night with a good movie and snacks goodbye. I lean heavily against the pillow, but I'm not looking at her anymore. Although, I can feel her eyes on me. "I don't know, Kate." I throw the remote on the bed in the tiny space between us. "I thought it wasn't important, but now I'm not so sure."

"Why? What happened?" she asks me anxiously, always the caring best friend I still think I don't deserve. "Don't tell me you kissed your Dr. Marshall, the nerdy cute man."

"I'd never do that to Duke! Who do you think I am?" I retort harshly, frowning deeply.

She holds up a hand and shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I know you'd never do that, but there's something between you and this Dr. Marshall. I felt it the other day," she says soothingly with an apologetic smile.

I relax and glance at the TV longingly. "I'm not sure, but I think he's a little attracted to me. Maybe it's just me reading him wrong."

She puts her head on my shoulder and sighs. "Men are too complicated. They tell us that we are the complicated ones, but really, I think they're no better."

I laugh and nod. I'm not going to contradict her on this point. "I know his name, by the way."

She straightens up and smiles broadly at me. She munches on the last M&Ms in her hand and claps twice like a little child excited by something. "Tell me what it is! Is it Nick? Or Kevin?"

"Charles."

"Charles?" she repeats, thinking, and settles back next to me. "That's a good name for him, I think."

"That's what I thought too."

She grabs the remote and the opening credits of the movie begin. "Don't you think you're getting too close to him? What will you do if Duke discovers that this Charles guy is attracted to you?"

I picture in my head the hurt in Duke's face and how badly it could turn out. Just picturing it in my head is painful. On the other hand, I can't imagine myself telling him that Dr. Marshall is young and seems to have a little crush on me for some weird reason.

"You know what? Right now I just want to enjoy Lizzy and Mr. Darcy's story."

"Point taken, but don't think it'll just go away without consequences for you."

I should know better, but I'm making the same mistakes. Granted, it's a way different situation, but in the end I'm still doing nothing to prevent some catastrophe from happening. I'm still waiting, hoping that things will settle down by themselves, even if I know it's not possible. Even today I'm a coward.

Chapter Eight

SKYE

"I never realized how addicted to these things you two are," Duke says as I add a fifth pack of M&Ms to his arms.

Last night we ate the remainder of our stock, and Kate was already going bonkers this morning before she left for her study group. M&Ms for her are what coffee is for everybody else.

"It's Kate's fault. That girl could hook anybody to these things," I reply with a shrug and a little laugh that makes him smile his dazzling smile that always gets me.

He leads the way toward the check out, and I can't help myself but enjoy the view. The more time we spend together without fighting, the more I see how lucky I am to have him in my life, giving me his love. And he is so hot, as ridiculous as it sounds.

I sigh when I see six people in front of us waiting to check out. I thought it’d go fast to come at this time of day, but I guess I was wrong. Duke manages to pile the five packs in one arm and with the other he draws me against his side, his hand on my hip. I snake an arm around his waist and hesitate to put my hand in his back pocket.

"Skye?"

Startled, I turn my head on the right and gasp loudly. My body goes rigid, and my heart is beating very loudly. It's impossible. I mean, of all the markets in Seattle, I chose the one where Dr. Marshall goes to buy groceries? It's like bad fate or cosmic irony biting me in the ass after the talk I had last night with Kate.

Duke's hand grips me more firmly as I feel his body tensing too. Looking up at his face, I want just one thing. I want to run away. His dark eyes are seizing Dr. Marshall, and he doesn't like what he sees. I look back at my psychologist, resisting the urge to groan. There's some testosterone fest right now, and while it is logical coming from my boyfriend, it's completely crazy coming from my psychologist.

"Dr. Marshall. Funny seeing you here," I say with a fake cheerful tone that attracts both their attention on me. Dr. Marshall frowns, and Duke's eyebrows shoot up high behind his wavy, long raven hair. He looks back at my shrink and nods to himself, piecing things together.

"You're Skye's psychologist." Duke doesn't release me, but I don't think for a second it's because he's not mad at me. I think it's more to prove a point to a possible enemy. "I'm Skye's boyfriend, Duke Ashdown."

Dr. Marshall looks back at Duke and nods. "It's nice to finally put a face to a name."

"Same here," he replies, squeezing my hip. I look up at him, apologizing with my eyes, but it doesn't soften his expression. If anything, it makes him look angrier. I feel myself blush as both men are intently looking at me, but what should I say?

"We should go, Duke. We'll be late to meet Derek," I finally say with relief in my voice as the first excuse comes to my mind. And that's true, we're supposed to meet Derek later at the coffee house. He wants us to meet his girlfriend.

I wave at Dr. Marshall and offer a small smile. He answers with one of his own as Duke nods as a parted word.

"You've got an amazing girlfriend, Duke. I hope you know this," Dr. Marshall butts in with his calm voice I'm used to, but with an underlying meaning I'm not sure I really want to grasp.

Duke releases me and stands straighter, towering way above Dr. Marshall who looks way less muscular next to my impressive boyfriend. That doesn't mean that Dr. Marshall looks scrawny, but there's a noticeable difference in the type of men they both are.

"Believe me, I know that. Skye is the kind of woman you don't meet very often, so when you find her, you don't let her go, even when things get tough." The darkness in Duke's voice makes me shiver, but I say nothing. I created this situation by saying nothing, and I have to make myself invisible for a little longer. But at least it answers my question. Dr. Charles Marshall does have a crush on me.

My psychologist nods and turns around, leaving us in a silence I'd love to break, but I'm too afraid to do so. As our turn comes to pay for our packs of M&Ms, Duke is still mute, but his eyes are sending the message I was afraid to read. He's pissed at me.

I grab the change the middle age lady gives me back and let Duke take charge of the M&Ms as we're walking fast toward his car. He's not careful to see if I'm following him or if it's hard for me to match his long legs.

He opens his old truck, puts everything in the back and doesn't look at me as he climbs inside. I jump in the truck, buckle my seat belt and brace myself for what I know is about to come. Another fight. Yet, another one.

"So your psychologist is very young. You didn't tell me."

"It's not important," I reply with a small voice, already screaming in my head that I'm so dumb.

"It is when the man is into you big time and lets your boyfriend know that if he could, he'd try to be with you."

"Duke, I don't care about him." I feel a knot appear in my stomach at my words because they're not true. I do care about him because a part of me enjoys the fact that he's crushing on me. "He's just my psychologist. He's paid to listen to me for hours during the week."

He brings the car to life and tightens his hand around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. "Right, that's all." He laughs darkly as we leave the parking space. "And I should believe that there's nothing going on? That you don't feel guilty because you hid something from me, because you knew it'd upset me, because you feel something for another man."

"That's not at all why I didn't tell you he's young!" I retort immediately. "You told me yourself that you hated the idea of me telling another guy everything. When I saw him for the first time, I didn't know what to do, and we were fighting so often that I thought it was useless to talk about Dr. Marshall."

He stops the car at a red light and shakes his head, never once looking at me. It's like he's disgusted by me. "Tell me one thing, Skye, and I want the truth." He takes a deep breath and locks his deep dark eyes with mine. “Do you find him attractive?"

I gape at him, but keep silent for a couple of seconds. "I ... I don't ..." I groan with exasperation at my own babbling. "I just like to talk to him. We connected during our appointments, but it's just as patient and psychologist. You're the one I love."

He details my face, nods and accelerates as the green light gives us the go. "It's funny, but now I don't even know if I should believe you or not."

"Duke—"

"No, Skye," he cuts me off, one hand leaving the steering wheel and waves in the air between us. "I never lied to you, so you know you can have faith in my words, but you just lied to me. You betrayed the faith I had in you, and I don't even know how I feel about all of this."

"Don't be mad at me, please. I don't want to fight with you again."

"We're not fighting. I'm just telling you the truth because I'm trustworthy. That's all." He turns in the parking lot outside of my building, but doesn't turn off the car. He's not about to go with me. "It's hard for me to look at you now because I put you on some kind of pedestal since I’ve met you. One thing I was sure when I fell in love with you was that you're not like other girls, lying to their boyfriend. I thought that you loved me enough to tell me even the hard truth, but I guess I was wrong. I love a woman who is the same as any other girl, and I have to deal with it." He looks down at his hands resting in his lap. "I'll meet you and Derek at the coffee house."

I can't talk. I can just move, open the car door, climb out and grab the M&Ms. My mind is empty while a furnace of conflicting emotions is filling me up, almost putting me down by their force.

What is worse is not suffering because of your own mistake. The worst is seeing the pain you caused to someone you love along with the disappointment they feel. The worst thing in life is disappointing the person you love the most.

***

DUKE

As soon as she starts walking stiffly toward her building, I drive away, making sure to put some distance from her, from campus, from anything to find some comfort. Mindless, I let my instinct take me somewhere, and when I finally stop and look around, I’m astounded to see I’m parked in front of my parents’ home, the same house I grew up in.

I sigh and climb out. My limbs feel heavy, just like my heart. I’m not exactly mad, but I’m so damn disappointed. Skye lied to me. If only she lied about getting better, I’d understand, but that thing with her shrink! No, it’s entirely different, and I can’t help but draw conclusions I’d prefer to ignore.

I knock at the front door, and immediately my father answers. As soon as he takes me in, his barely-there smile disappears.

“Duke? What’s going on?’’

I shake my head and lean against the threshold, my head hanging now between my shoulders. Everything is heavy, making it difficult to simply stand. “I think I’m losing her, Dad.’’

“What are you talking about? Come in, son.’’ He ushers me to the living room where I sit without grace. “Now, tell me what this nonsense is about.’’

I put my elbows on my spread knees and hide my face in my hands. I don’t want my father to see me on the brink of tears. He saw enough of my tears during the first few months after Juliet’s death.

“Skye. It’s Skye. She lied to me.“

The couch caves under my father’s weight when he sits next to me. His big hand pats my shoulder before he ruffles my hair like he used to when I was just a kid. He’s not big on huge hugs and open-hearted talk, probably something I inherited from him, but he’s not one to turn his back on his and others’ emotions either.

“Son, you know better than me that Skye is dealing with awful things. Give her the time. I’m sure—‘’

“Her psychologist is very young, and he has a crush on her. She didn’t tell me anything, Dad.’’ I look up and meet his surprised face. “How would you feel if mom hid this from you?’’

He takes a deep breath and leans against the back of the couch. He rubs the shell of his ear, his tell whenever he’s uncomfortable or deep in thought. “I’d be very upset, and I would probably have a huge fight with her because obviously it’s not … hmmm …’’

“It’s like cheating.’’

He shakes his head and points a finger at me. “No, cheating is cheating. When you cheat on your other half, it’s something else entirely. Beyond the betrayal of trust, there’s also a breach in the couple, something akin to emotional distance. It’s much worse, Duke, and from what I know about your girlfriend, she would never cheat on you.’’

I hide my face in my hands again, my elbows still firmly planted on my knees. “I never thought she’d do this to me, you know.’’

“Don’t you think it’s because she’s afraid of your reaction? Duke, since what happened with Juliet you’re pretty intense in your emotional reactions. It’s understandable, but she went through so much that I’m pretty sure she’s more afraid than what she lets on, even with you.’’

“Are you implying that I freak her out?’’ I sit up and glare at my father. If I wanted a lecture I wouldn’t have driven all the way here. I would have gone straight to Derek and let him dig me a new hole because obviously in this relationship I’m the only one making mistakes—even when I’m not.

“Not exactly.’’ He squeezes my shoulder again and this time keeps his hand there, probably to appease me. “She’s pretty lost, son. She’s spent so long pushing through her emotions, trying everything in her power to make it easier to deal with her ex-boyfriend. Give her some slack and play it by ear instead of blowing her head off as I’m pretty sure you want to.’’

“No, honestly I want to go and find that Dr. Marshall instead.’’

“Don’t be an idiot.’’

I shrug and nod. “I won’t.’’ I let out a deep breath, pushing through the weight weighing on my chest making it hard to just enjoy the air coming in my lungs. “I can’t drop it though.’’

“Talk about it with her; don’t let it fester.’’

“Maybe I should … no, never mind.’’

“If there’s one thing I hate, it’s when I know my children are hiding something. Out with it, son.’’

I smile softly at his commanding voice. I fish in my jean pocket and find a letter I received earlier today. I kept it on me thinking that maybe I should talk about it with Skye, that it would be the perfect incentive to actually make plans for our future together. I’m graduating soon, and I have loans to pay back. I can’t just forget about finding a job and thinking about the next step in my life. At first, I wanted to use our little errand to buy M&Ms to speak with Skye and ask her if she’d like to move in with me next year instead of living on campus. Now though, I see things differently.

I see her differently.

“I got two job offers today. One is here in Seattle and the other one is for a company in San Francisco.’’

My father pulls away and forces a smile to his face. “That’s fantastic, Duke. I’m really proud of what you’ve achieved. Not even graduated and already offers are lining up.’’

“Yeah, well, when I heard about Seattle, I thought that it was a done deal, you know, but now …’’ I trail off, my voice getting quieter.

“Are you truly considering San Francisco?’’

I shrug again and rub at my left temple. “I don’t know. Maybe. What do you think?’’