Delete This at Your Peril (9 page)

From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: WONDERFUL NEWS

Alex,

I have some fantastic news. Don Cabbage has left! He said that someone in Lochee owed him £15 for some jazz mags and he went off to get him. He says that if I keep my nose clean then he'll leave me alone for a while. Thank God for that!

So we're back on track! I have the money here to make our dreams come true! How quickly could you be here? I have a surprise for you. I have bought something that I think you will like. I will give you a clue. You need to feed it. Can you guess?

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello

Bob!

I did not want to lose good relations with my friends in a travel company. I have already informed you, how you can help me. You can have a way to any branch Western Union. I have made all for this purpose. If you will not help me, I shall be compelled to give in parts 1300 euro to my friends within several months. I think now that you play with me?

Yours Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: OH COME ON ALEX, DON'T BE LIKE THAT!

Alex,

What kind of weirdo would spend all this time emailing you if they were not serious? I have the money to send to the Western Union in Vladivostok but what is the point in sending you money when you are suggesting that I am some sort of joker? I have even bought you a present, it was supposed to be surprise, but maybe if you see it then you will understand that I am serious.

Yours in hope,

Bob x

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I am sorry

My dear Bob!

I am sorry for behaviour. I am very tired… I very much want to be with you. You should understand, that for me it is very difficult to accept again the man. But you have very much liked me, I do not hide it. And now I shall be very glad, if our meeting with you will take place. I wait for concrete actions. I am very much intrigued with a gift which you have prepared me?

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: READY?

Alex,

Ok, apology accepted. Are you ready to see your present?

Bob x

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes!

Yes, certainly, I am ready to see my present:))

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: HERE WE GO! HE'S CALLED CHAMPION!

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I like it

My dear Bob!

Your gift has very much liked me, very originally. Still anybody similar in life did not give anything to me. Now about our affairs. I very much hope, that today you will make that for a long time promised me . . . to Western Union! I expect your answer…

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: NOT LONG NOW!

Alex,

I am so excited that you like your present. I was going to Carnoustie on the bus the other day when I spotted Champion in a field. ‘Aye, aye', I thought, ‘What's going on over there then?' So I got off the bus and went to have a good look at the blighter.

Now, Alex, just about every household in Carnoustie owns at least one ostrich
¹³
but for some reason the farmer hadn't shifted Champion. The next thing you know we'd shaken hands on me to take Champion off his hands for £150, eight jazz mags and the spice rack I won in the bowling club Christmas raffle.

So tomorrow I'm going to get up, have a quick bite to eat at Stewpot's Bar and a couple of liveners, then nip up to Carnoustie on the bus and pick up Champion. Then I'll come back here, tie him up in the garden and race round to the Post Office to send the cash. Are you looking forward to seeing me and Champion?

Also, do you have any idea what I should feed Champion? Would he eat chips?

Bob x

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Let us resolve this today now

Send the money as the most important part of your travels tomorrow. Certainly, I very much wait happily for our meeting. It will be better, if to my arrival the Champion will be little bit hungry then I could feed him:) Chips? He loves chips? I never saw ostriches earlier, it is very interesting to me:))

Now I wait from you for the information on a remittance that I could continue the preparation to be with you and Champion.

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: A rollercoaster of a day

Alex,

An unforgettable day. I went along to Stewpot's first thing and told all the boys I was off to pick up an ostrich for my Russian girlfriend and they were giving it, ‘Oh aye, your Russian girlfriend Bob, is that the one that's going to work here?' and I was saying ‘Yeah, that's her, Alexandra' and they all started laughing.

So it was a good atmosphere and then they started saying that Russian men can drink a bottle of vodka straight and if I couldn't do that then you would leave me. Well, I wasn't going to risk that so I told Terry to line me up his best bottle and a couple of cheese sandwiches.

Now, I'm a drinker Alex, I've never hidden that from you but I have two Achilles heels. The first is strong women and the second is vodka. They just don't agree with me and after an hour or so it all got a bit blurry. Then suddenly I was alert again but someone had stolen one of my sandwiches so I went round the pub asking who had my sandwich but people just kept laughing.

Then Terry told me to look in the mirror behind the bar and I saw that the sandwich was stuck to my forehead. I must have fallen asleep onto it or something. So I took the sandwich off and left Stewpot's in the huff and went to catch the bus to Carnoustie.

It was quite hard because my legs weren't working properly but I got on the bus OK and then gave everyone a laugh with some animal jokes and a bit of a sing.

I got off the bus fine though I did fall into a hedge. When I found Champion he was in great form. I didn't have a lead so I took off my jumper and stuck it over his head and used a sleeve to lead him out back to the bus stop. I was feeding him some pork scratchings when the farmer appeared and went absolutely berserk.

He was saying stuff like, ‘what the fuck do you think you're playing at?' ‘get that fucking jumper off it's head' and ‘you're a fucking basket case and I'm going to call the police'.

I kept my dignity and ignored him and he went off to get the police, but then the bus came. The driver must have been texting his mate or something because he actually stopped and I had Champion halfway on before he even noticed. He got scared and said there was no way I could bring an ostrich on the bus and I said to just charge him half fare but then the other people on the bus started getting involved (even though it was none of their business) and were all screaming and stuff.

Of course, that set Champion off who went totally bananas, lashing out with his feet and pecking away. He lifted a woman's bunnet clean off and caught a man with a moustache an absolute beauty on the side of the head. ‘That's one peck on the cheek you didn't ask for!' I said, to lighten the mood but the guy didn't get it, he just rolled about holding his head and swearing at me.

Then the police turned up and so I went to have a wee chat with them but tripped and went into another hedge. I don't remember much after that, just the police standing about and then Champion being led off by the farmer. I shouted ‘See you later Champion, you can keep the jumper' but he didn't reply.

The policemen brought me home and said I might get done for cruelty and fined, so I might need that money that I was going to use for your visa. I'm sorry about Champion but, to be honest, I don't think it's safe to have a family pet that could go off the handle like that.

And, anyway, all is not lost! I went to Doc Ferry's bar to have a think about things and bumped into Chappy Williams. I told him what happened and he said he had something in the car I could have. He went off and came back with a bloody dog! I couldn't believe it. Chappy had really red cheeks and was out of breath but seemed to find everything very funny. I asked what it was called and he said ‘Bob' so I said, ‘But that's my name' and he said that I should call it ‘Bob the Dog' so I don't get confused.

It was hard walking home with Bob, he didn't seem to be listening to anything I said but we're back now and I think he's sleeping. I'm sorry about the money thing but I hope that you can maybe come over here
using your own money and I'll pay for the groceries. And the food for Bob. Bob the Dog I mean, not me.

Love,

Bob. Not Bob the Dog! He wouldn't be able to write!

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: a rollercoaster of a day

Fuck you! To me has bothered to read your delirium

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No Reply

 

9
. This man is not Bob Servant. I have no idea who he is, but the fish looks like a mirror carp.

10
. There is no record of the former international goalkeeper turned television presenter Bob Wilson ever having physically attacked a jockey, either on or off air.

11
. This email was indeed sent by Bob on Christmas Day, an impressive dedication to his hobby, and this entire exchange was very intense, with up to a dozen emails a day between Christmas Day and New Year. When I mentioned this to Bob he pointed out that he refuses to watch television at that time of year because of the special festive scheduling (which he describes as ‘an insult to his intelligence') and so had a fair amount of time on his hands.

12
. No bowling club in the Broughty Ferry area admits to holding such an event.

13
. Although no exact measure can be given (you do not need a licence to purchase an ostrich, which I found surprising) a quick check with local RSPCA officials suggests that this claim is untrue.

From: Joseph Udeze

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Are you interested?

Dear Good Friend,

I am Joseph Udeze, solicitor at law. I am the personal Attorney To Mr Christian Clark, a national of your country, who lived in Nigeria. In May 2000, my client was killed in a car accident in Kano. The bank where he had an account of $9.5m has issued me a notice to provide the beneficiary or have the account confiscated within 20 days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives, I now seek your consent to present you as the beneficiary of the $9.5m. If you agree, we can discuss your percentage. Please i will like you to send to me your full name and address, private telephone and fax number for easy communication.

Best regards,

Barr. Joseph Udeze (Esq.)

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From: Bob Servant

To: Joseph Udeze