Choosing Happiness (20 page)

"I don't know Dee. I wish I could tell you." He smoothed his hand over her neck and back. "I can tell you it’s normal. It's something a lot of people go through after something like what you've been through."

She looked up at him again. "How do you know?"

"I’ve been there," he admitted. "More than a few times."

"Did you dream too?"

"I did. I dreamed that my friends, my buddies were dying all around me and there was nothing I could do. Sometimes that's what had happened, sometimes it just came close. You know, there's a reason I wouldn't sleep at home while you were in the hospital."

"You were dreaming, too?"

"Some, but not bad since I didn't sleep much. But I knew if I slept, especially as hard as I would at home, I would dream."

"What about now?"

"I sleep better when I'm with you. I can hold you against me and reassure myself, even in my sleep, that you're here and going to be fine."

Andrea rubbed her face back and forth over his shirt, inhaling his scent. "I can see that."

"So, do you want to try to get some more rest or do you want me to go finish dinner?"

"Hm... I'm comfortable and don't want to get up, but I’m not very sleepy."

"We can stay here as long as you want." He was enjoying the feel of her in his arms.

They lay quietly for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. "Jake?" Andrea said suddenly.

"Yes?"

"I love you." She said it simply, as if it weren't the first time she said the words.

"I love you too, Andrea." He had only been waiting for her to realize it, he'd known how he felt for her for some time.

She picked up her head from his chest again and propped her chin on his shoulder so she could look up at him. "Really? You're not just saying it because I did?"

Jake met her eyes. "Yes, really. I've known for some time. I've just been waiting for you to decide how you feel."

"I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner."

"That's not something to be sorry for."

"I realized I was falling fast a while back." She snuggled against him and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "Then I talked to a friend and Ben gave me his little talk and I let them get to me. I let my uncertainty, my doubts hurt us both. I’m still scared, but I’ve decided I’m not going to let fear stop me."

"I won't deny that it hurt, but it would have been a hell of a lot worse if the whole thing hadn't upset you, too. The fact that it hurt you nearly as much as it hurt me let me know you cared, even if you weren’t ready to admit it yet."

"I guess I get that," Andrea looked away from his face. "I was confused. I didn't know what to do or where to go."

"And now? Jake asked.

"Now I hate to think of what I put you through. I just couldn’t get a handle on my feelings and what to do."

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?" She frowned, the combination of sleep haze and the pain pills she'd taken making her mind foggy and slow. "Oh!" she blinked again. "Now I know what I want. Now my confusion is drug induced and temporary. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you or what I want. It doesn’t mean I’m not still scared, only that I’m going to do my best to keep from letting it control me."

"That's good to hear."

"What if what I've decided I want doesn't include you?" Andrea asked.

"Well if it didn't, then I assume I wouldn't be here now." Jake ran his hand up and down her back.

"You’re not wrong."

"And you probably wouldn't have been asking for me as soon as you woke up in the hospital."

"I could have wanted to tell you to get lost," she suggested.

"You could have," he conceded. “But you didn't and you've had plenty of time, if that’s what you wanted to do."

"True."

"Instead you've kept me close, even after running off your family. And you told me to make myself at home in your house. You let me dress and undress you, when you could have asked for a nurse or your mom would have helped.”

"You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?" she asked.

"I've had a lot of time to think."

Andrea was quiet, as if she didn't know what to say to that.

"Do you want to tell me what you've decided you want?" He looked down at the top of her head.

"I thought I already had."

"When?"

"The night before everything happened. When I showed up at your place. I was telling you, maybe without saying the words, that you're what I want, for as long as we last."

"I hoped that’s what you'd meant, but I wasn't going to take it for granted." He kissed the top of her head.

"I'm glad you don't take me for granted." Andrea moved her injured arm along his belly, until her hand rested against his chest. "What is it you want?"

"You. As much of you as I can get for as long as I can get it."

"I'm glad you said that,"

"What do you have in mind?"

"I want you to be my first."

"First?" Jake asked, confused.

"I've never been with anyone without a layer of latex between us. I want to know what it's like skin to skin."

"You mean no condoms?"

"Yes. I'm clean. I have blood tests done regularly, just in case because of the contamination hazard at work."

"Wow, I'm blown away."

Andrea wasn’t sure what he meant, so she stayed quiet and waited for him to say more.

"I've never been with anyone without protection," he said softly. "I'm clean, too. I was tested a few months ago, when I applied to the police force."

"I'm on the pill. You should know that, you brought me my pills at the hospital. I've always figured better safe than sorry, and that two methods were better than one."

"Then I'd be honored to be your first, just as you’ll be mine."

She ran one finger back and forth across his nipple through the soft material of his tee shirt. Jake covered her hand with his. Trapping it against his chest.

“Not now babe. You need to rest, heal some before we get too active”

“But I want to.”

Jake heard the fatigue in her voice. “I want to too, but it’s better if we wait. Right now I’m afraid of you getting hurt.” He tightened the arm under her, pulling her closer. “Go back to sleep, babe. You need all the rest you can get.”

She didn’t argue, just let her eyes drift closed. He laid there listening to her breathe for about half an hour before slipping out from underneath her, and replacing his bulk with one of the sofa cushions. He stood and watched her for a minute, amazed by how much she’d come to mean to him in a short amount of time then went to finish dinner.

T
he next morning it began. They were up, but not yet dressed for the day when the doorbell rang. Panic raced through Andrea and she hurried into the bedroom to put clothes on while Jake went to see who it was. She looked around, frantic to find something to put on. She grabbed an oversized sweat shirt only to realize she couldn’t get it on by herself.

There were voices in the living room and she had no way to put clothes on. She couldn’t go in there and entertain someone in her pajamas. She didn’t even have a bra on. She went to the closet and tried to find something. Anything she could get into by herself. She flipped the hangers from right to left, going faster with each unsuitable item. When she’d gone through everything in the closet she moved to the tall dresser in the corner and started rifling through the drawers. Still not finding anything, she wanted to cry. She hated not being able to dress herself. She slapped the top of her dresser in frustration.

The bedroom door opened, startling her.

“You all right?” Jake stepped into the room. “You need some help getting changed??”

“Please.” She went back to the closet. “Who’s here?”

“Your mom.”

“My mom?” She all but screeched. “You left her out there while you came in here? What did you tell her?”

“That you needed help getting dressed...” he said slowly, watching her carefully. It was if he knew something wasn’t right.

Her face turned bright red. “I can’t believe you told her that.” She hid her face in her hand.

“Come on.” He pulled her against him. “It’s not that bad.”

“You all but told my mom you’re gonna see me naked.” Her words were muffled as she hid her face against his chest.

“Babe. “ He managed to fit a lot of meaning in that one word. “She knows I’m staying with you. She expects it.”

“Jake, it’s my
Mom!
”

Jake laughed. “The longer you take freaking out, the longer it will be before you’re dressed and can go out there...”

She took a deep breath and pulled away. Shooting him a venomous look she went to the closet and pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, tossing them on the bed behind her.

“Here, help me get these on.” She went to the dresser and pulled out a white lace bra. “But this first.”

“I think it would be better if we took this off first.” He came up behind her unfastened the strap on her sling, bunched the back of the, now hers, ARMY shirt and eased it over her head. She pulled out her good arm and let him work it over her injured shoulder and arm. He fastened the bra around her body and she put her arm through one strap but stood there a moment trying to figure out how to get the other one on. “Screw it.” He tucked the strap into the side of the bra without putting it over her shoulder. “Your wound doesn’t need the stress anyway.”

He tugged the loose shorts off her hips, careful to leave her underwear in place, then helped her into her jeans. She’d chosen a loose pair on purpose. They were old and faded, but also soft and comfortable. Once he got them buttoned he went for the shirt.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he looked at the top then back at her.

“What’s wrong with it?”

He didn’t say a word, just turned it so she could see the front. It said “I like it LONG and HARD” in hot pink script across the chest. Andrea’s face turned almost as pink as the letters on the shirt.

“You’re right, not that one.” She went back to the closet and looked again.

“Where did you get this, it’s not something I would think you would wear?”

“A friend gave it to me, it’s huge and I sometimes sleep in it.” Pulling a tank top with wide straps from the closet, she held it up. “How about this?”

“That’s good but it will leave your bandages exposed.”

“I can live with that.”

“Can your mom?”

She paused a moment. “I’ll put a sweater or my shawl over it.”

“That works.” He helped her into the deep red shirt then put her sling back on and kissed the top of her head. “Where’s your hoodie?”

She thought a minute, trying to remember where she’d last seen it. “I think it’s on the back of the bedroom door.” She watched as he looked through several things hanging on the over-the-door hooks there. It was a convenient place to hang things, which meant there were more than a few things hanging there.

“There are a couple of them here, do you care which one?” he turned and looked at her while waiting for a decision.

“The fleece one, it’s my favorite.”

He pulled the deep blue jacket from the stack of clothing and took it to her. She put her right arm in the sleeve but let him hook the left side over her shoulder so it hid the bandages. She was glad to have the jacket, it was cooler in the house than she’d realized when she’d chosen the tank top and the sweater kept the goose bumps from her skin. She took a deep breath and let it out in a rush. It was time to face the music. Knowing that waiting would only make it harder, she opened the bedroom door and went out to face her mother.

***

T
he next afternoon, when Ben stopped by, Jake had set Andrea up on the couch. Jake answered his knock on the door and brought him into the living room where she sat.

Jake played host, getting Ben something to drink before sitting back down behind Andrea, she leaned against him and relaxed.

“What’s up?” Jake asked, wrapping one arm around her and pulling her close.

“Not much, I just wanted to come by and see how she was doing.” Ben narrowed his eyes at them when Jake wrapped his arm around her.

“Not too bad,” she said. “I’m still getting used to being one handed, but there’s not much I can do about that.”

Ben looked from Andrea’s face to Jake’s then back again. “Are you really doing all right?”

Andrea frowned a moment, then realized what his looks meant. “Yes, we’re good. I’m still a little foggy from the pain meds but we’ve talked it over and we’re good.” She reached up with her good hand and wove her fingers with Jake’s. Jake kissed the top of her head.

“I don’t need to see that.” Ben scowled.

“Suck it up, Buttercup.” Andrea shot him an unhappy look. “I watched you and Jeanie be all sweet and sugary for the last year and a half. You can just learn to live with it now that I’ve got someone you can’t scare off.”

Ben grinned. “I like it when it’s me and Jeanie... I’m less thrilled when it’s my baby sister.”

“Who’s not a baby anymore, remember?” She was starting to get annoyed.

“I remember, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to see.”

“Learn to live with it.” She narrowed her eyes and waited for him to say something else.

Jake squeezed her hand. “Calm down baby, he’s trying to get to me, not you, and it’s not working.” Looking up at Ben he said, “Harass me all you want, but not in front of Dee. It upsets her and I don’t like that.”

Andrea could tell from the hard tone of his voice that he didn’t like Ben screwing with her.

“I’ll lay off picking at her, for now.” Ben winked at Andrea. “But only because she’s hurt. Once she’s back on her feet, all bets are off.”

“I can live with that.” Jake relaxed behind her. “Picking at her now is just mean.”

Ben sat back in the chair, watching them for a moment. “I just came by to see if you needed anything and make sure he was taking good care of you.”

“He’s doing fine.”

“I can see that.” He looked at the blanket over her lap, the things on the table nearby and her leaning against his best friend. “I can tell you’ve got everything you need.”