Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose (11 page)

I took Natasha with me on my trips to L.A., where we would stay at my parents’ house so they could help out and look after her. On one particular ten-day trip when I had meetings and auditions all day long, I’d come home each night after Natasha was already in bed. I realized by day five that something had to change. I was far away from my husband and I wasn’t able to spend time with my baby girl. It just wasn’t going to be possible for Val to work in one city, me to work in another city in another
country,
and at the same time take care of Natasha and give her any sense of stability. I wanted to work, but more than that, I wanted to be there for my kids and my husband. It’s what my mom had done, so it was a natural conclusion for me, even if it meant I had to give up my dream of being superwoman.

When I approached Val about this, I found out he was on the same page as I was and had been hoping that I’d come to the same conclusion. He supported my dreams, but he also wanted our family to be the top priority. Since we both had unique careers that were based in different cities, we couldn’t both do our jobs and have the kind of family life that we wanted.

Basically, Val and I made the decision that I would stay home out of a sense of conviction that it was really the only viable option for us. In order for our little family to continue to function we had no choice but for one of us to stay home with our children. If we didn’t make that decision, our priorities would have to shift in ways we didn’t want them to and it would basically throw our lives into chaos. One of us needed to put our career on hold, and that wasn’t an option for Val. Professional hockey careers are short enough as it is. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking him to sacrifice his brief career in order to pursue my own. Besides, I’m a woman, and it’s in my God-given nature to be the nurturer and caretaker at home. At the time, though, I wasn’t really following God or seeking His will in my life. Consulting Him wasn’t really part of my decision-making strategy. With that in mind, I still believe He guided Val and me in our decision, even if we didn’t know it at the time.

A Difficult Transition

While the decision to stay home with my kids was a logical one and was the right choice for our family at the time, it wasn’t an easy decision or transition for me. So much of who I saw myself to be (and who the world saw me to be) was wrapped up in my work. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me when fans would come up asking me what my next project was, only to look at me sadly when I told them I was now a stay-at-home mom. Being an actress was all I had ever known; it was work and career that drew Val and me together and was definitely a priority for both of us.

When I made that decision to stay home with my kids, it was a decision I knew I was going to have to live with every day for a long time. Unless Val’s career ended suddenly, I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to work again for many years. It was a major disappointment for me, and I felt guilty about that. I know some of you can relate to those feelings. Like me, you’re more driven toward work than home. But I have finally come to realize that I don’t need to feel guilty about the way God made me. The Bible says I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14). God gave me the drive to work. Of course, not everything we are inclined to do is a good thing. We all have sinful desires, but the desire to work isn’t one of them. The Bible has many positive things to say about hard work. And, as is true with everything—it’s about how we balance all that God has created and called us to be and do.

The fact that I was disappointed that I wouldn’t have a job for potentially many years doesn’t mean I didn’t love my children. Of course I love my children and want to take care of them. That simply has nothing to do with also loving to work. I had to surrender to the fact that that part of me wouldn’t be fulfilled for a season of my life. Sometimes making the right choice means not loving everything that results from that decision. Giving up work was a sacrifice I had to make in order to make the best decision for my family at that time.

It took me two years to really surrender to motherhood and lay down my career dreams. Once I let that go and embraced my new path, I started to enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. I only wish I had enjoyed it more from the very beginning.

Even though it started out a bit rough, I’m so grateful that I made the choice and had the opportunity to be a full-time mom for a season. During those ten years I grew a lot in my faith and my relationship with the Lord, and I believe that’s due to the fact that I wasn’t trying to juggle too many things. The fewer balls we have up in the air, the easier it is to keep them all moving simultaneously in the air. Because of the choice to stay home with the kids instead of trying to work in a different city than my husband, I was better able to keep balance in my life and in my husband’s and kids’ lives.

Embracing Uniqueness

God gives us all different desires and goals for our lives. Some of us dream of staying home with our families and others fantasize about an amazing, fulfilling career. Neither of those desires is wrong. What we each need to determine, though, is how God wants us to balance those aspects of our lives. Any mother will have to do both (even if she’s not paid to work), and it’s important to discern God’s will in these areas.

When we look again to the Proverbs 31 woman, she is both working and taking care of her family. There are many verses throughout that section about the virtuous wife that show her working. “She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar” (vv. 13–14). “She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night” (v. 18). “She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple” (v. 22). “She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant” (v. 24).

And just when you’re thinking this is about the virtuous
wife,
not the virtuous
mother,
I urge you to keep reading! “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her” (vv. 27–28). This woman is a wife, a mother, a worker, a nurturer, a businesswoman, an organizer . . . the list could go on and on. The point is that she balances all of those things. Does she do it perfectly? Well, if she’s human, then the answer is no. None of us can balance and prioritize our lives perfectly all the time. But this woman knows the value of all of those different aspects of herself and her life and she embraces them even as she likely struggles to keep all of the plates spinning.

God gives us each various talents, strengths, and weaknesses, and He has put each of us in a unique situation. There is no cookie-cutter answer to whether a mother should work outside the home, and my prayer is that women would stop calling each other out and support each other instead. At the same time, I hope we can all remember that we are accountable to God and to our families, not to other women. In Proverbs God gives us an example of a woman who is doing it all
and
is being called blessed by the people she serves. If God wasn’t pleased with her choices, I don’t think we would be reading such great things about her!

I have a dear friend in Florida who has five elementary- and middle-school-aged children, is a high-profile attorney who had a TV call-in show for fifteen years, has been a nationally syndicated radio talk show host, and also holds a pilot’s license and a psychology degree. Does she have help? Yes! But she prioritizes the daily chores and life’s events that are most necessary and meaningful when it comes to pouring into, teaching, and training her children each day.

Being supermom doesn’t mean you have to be everything to your child. For example, you don’t have to be your child’s homework helper if it’s a source of stress and you’re able to supplement it with a tutor or an older child who can explain it better! Household chores are a must, and something our children need to be taught to do, but if you’re able to afford help in this area, why wouldn’t you if it allows you to use the time for something else that’s important to you? You don’t have to feel guilty about it when it helps relieve a burden so that you are free to invest in those things God has created and enabled you to uniquely do. I would love a full-time housekeeper, which I don’t have, but I do have a cleaning woman who comes twice a week for four hours. Val and I feel our money is well spent in this area and are willing to sacrifice other “wants”—not needs—in order to have her help.

And while we’re at it, let’s talk nannies. I’ll be the first to admit it’s been a word I’ve rolled my eyes at when ladies talked about theirs, much to my shame. I totally confess any arrogance I’ve had toward someone who’s had a nanny when I’ve proudly said I didn’t. Why did I ever think women who have a nanny seemed snotty or spoiled to have one? Over time and maturity, I have seen the truth about the value of nannies for some families. Although I’ve never had a nanny, I’ve used babysitters throughout my children’s lives. Just because they’re not here every day doesn’t mean they’re not working for my family. And what about Grandma and Grandpa? If they watch your baby two or three days each week in the mornings, isn’t that having help with childcare? Some of us don’t have the good fortune of having family close by, so nannies become a valid resource. I’ve seen nannies who’ve been with families for years and they become like an aunt or a grandma to the children they watch. As a mom who has a lot on her plate, I understand how the help of a consistent person in kids’ lives is valuable.

On the other end of the spectrum from my friend in Florida, my sister Melissa is a full-time stay-at-home mom who homeschools her four children, and my sister-in-law Chelsea does the same with her six kids. And neither of them could imagine doing it any other way. I give major props to those women whose hearts’ desire is to dedicate their whole lives to their families without the distraction of a formal job. Being a mom
is
a full-time job and you don’t have to get paid to prove it. I probably have more homeschooling/stay-at-home mom friends than working ones, and while I would love to have a heart that is inclined to do that, I simply don’t. And I’ve learned that it’s okay.

We need to recognize that other women are just as capable of deciding what is best for their families as we are for ours. What is right for one family might not be right for another, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong for that first family. Doing it uniquely and differently is okay when your ultimate goal is to do it all unto the Lord. This is where having a perspective bent toward seeking balance is helpful. It keeps us from creating hard “musts” where the Bible really hasn’t given us such cookie-cutter models. A focus on balancing all the priorities given to us from God is what we see in the life of the woman in Proverbs 31.

The writer of Proverbs ends the final chapter better than I could ever end my own on this topic: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the L
ord
is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates” (Prov. 31:30–31). Like the Proverbs 31 woman, let your works bring praise at the city gate.

Chapter 10

On the Road Again

“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.”

—John 16:33 (hcsb)

A
s I write this chapter, a tragedy has recently occurred that shocked the nation. A gunman entered an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, and murdered twenty-six innocent children and adults. It is something that has horrified us all, but it is also something that has helped us to reevaluate our priorities in life. I know tragedies happen worldwide every day, and they happen on a smaller scale in the U.S. every day, but we don’t often hear about them. On the one hand I don’t want a daily reminder of the horrors that humans are capable of committing and the suffering that inevitably follows. But on the other hand, they do help us to remember what is most important in life—namely our faith and our families.

When events such as the Newtown shootings take place, we all take stock of our relationships with our family members and with God. We want to make sure our family relationships are strong and healthy. We tend to find it easier to forgive past wrongs and make commitments to be kinder, gentler, more compassionate, and simply better spouses, children, parents, and siblings. Tragedies also typically draw us closer to God. While we may ask why He allows terrible things to happen, we also somehow realize that He is the only One who can really help us through it and give us the peace we need. Only He can make things new and whole again.

One thing we realize when disaster strikes is that life must go on. I don’t want to make light of tragedies and suffering, but whether they happen to us or we just hear about them, we still must make the daily decisions that make up our lives. Even through the pain, numbness, or incredulity, we must complete the mundane tasks of living as well as carry on with huge life changes.

September 11, 2001, was a day that reminded me that life must go on even in the midst of disaster. Like I’m sure it did for all of you, it made me draw closer to my family. It made me want to shield the ones I love from pain and heartbreak. It made me thankful that I have a God who loves me, and it made me want to follow Him more closely. But the events of 9/11 also happened in the midst of a huge life change for my family.

Moving in the Midst of Tragedy

On September 13, 2001, my family was supposed to move from Calgary, Alberta, to South Florida, a distance of about 3,000 miles. Our belongings and cars had already been packed up and shipped, but my husband, two toddlers, and I needed to get our dogs, our personal items, and ourselves to Florida so Val could start training camp with his new team, the Florida Panthers. My mom and sister had also come to help pack up and take care of the kids during the move, since I was nearly seven months pregnant with Maks. We were all supposed to just hop on a plane and get there within the course of a day. But, as you remember, all flights were stopped after 9/11, and we had no idea when they would start back up. Not getting to Florida on time for training camp wasn’t an option, so the grueling process of figuring out plan B went into full effect.