Anytime Soon (31 page)

“How's Faye?” I asked.

“She's good. Getting a little nervous about the move, but she's cool.”

“She's going to North Carolina with you?”

“Yep.” His smile was so big that I had to laugh.

“You must have made quite an impression to make a girl move across the country to be with you,” I said, teasing.

“Well, what can I say?” He joked with that charming bright smile of his that made him look so handsome.

“You can say you'll keep in touch.”

“I promise I will.” He took a huge bite of pizza. “So, you know what I'm going to ask you, right?”

“Nope,” I lied.

“Yes you do. What's up with Jeff? Have you handled things like a big girl?”

“Haven't talked to him.” I looked down at the uneaten pizza on my plate.

“Why not? You need closure. We talked about that,” he reminded me.

“We talked about it, but I didn't agree to talk to him. Wipe your mouth.”

“You need to talk to him. You can't walk away from your feelings.”

“I said I didn't talk to him. I wrote him an e-mail, though.”

“An e-mail? Come on, you know that both of you deserve better than that.”

“That's all I could do!” I said, raising my voice. I looked around and smiled at the people in the restaurant who were looking back at me.

“What's the point? We won't be together. We can't be,” I said in a much lower tone.

“What did you say in the e-mail?”

“I apologized for the disappearing act. Apologized for anything I'd done to hurt him and his family. I told him I harbored no negative feelings toward him. It was the release I needed to move on. The chapter I needed to close to free myself,” I said, fighting tears.

“You still love him, don't you?”

“I do.” At this point, I simply cried. “But he belongs to someone else, and I can't compromise myself for a relationship that never belonged to me in the first place.”

“What did he say?”

“I said I wrote him an e-mail, I never said I sent it,” I confessed.

There was no denying my feelings for Jeff and sending that e-mail would force me to face those feelings once and for all. I tried to put on a brave front and tried to stay strong, but I was hurt and I needed closure. Mom's illness made me realize how precious both life and time can be. I spent a lot of time making sure other people were okay but I hadn't done the same for myself. Mom will need me to be strong and help her take care of things around the house when she comes home and I can't do that if I'm emotionally overwhelmed. I had to get the thing with Jeff behind me. As I began to cry, Travis reached over and held my hand. I wanted to be as good to myself as I had been to other people. I was going to send the e-mail as soon as I got a chance.

“Have you talked to any of your former students?” I asked, eager to change the subject.

“I have,” he said, filling me in on the latest news from campus.

Lunch lasted more than two hours. We both hated to leave, but he had to get back.

“It was good seeing you, Travis,” I said. “I'm so happy for you and Faye.”

“It was good seeing you, too, my friend. I'll be in touch.”

He picked me up and squeezed me.

“Ow!” I joked.

“I'm gonna squeeze you even harder than that if you don't call Jeff,” he promised.

“I'll talk to him.”

“I'm here for you, and I love you,” he said, kissing me on the cheek.

“I love you, too, Travis,” I replied.

When I returned to the waiting room outside the ICU, all of my family members were still sitting there, looking glum. I sat down next to Sophie just as Aunt Marie came out.

“She's resting now,” was all Aunt Marie said, sitting down wearily.

We had questions, but it was Catie who asked, “Is she okay?”

“We hope so, Catie,” Aunt Marie said. “We hope so.”

Aunt Marie seemed heavy with despair. She and Mom were best friends, although they would never admit it. When Mom went into the hospital this last time, Aunt Marie had stayed in the room with her more than anyone else. She usually came in the morning and sat with Mom until evening. Roscoe had to work, so he didn't make it to the hospital most days until after five.

Aunt Marie usually told Mom all the latest family and celebrity gossip. She talked on and on, as if she were certain that Mom could hear. Sometimes Mom responded, and sometimes she didn't.

Occasionally, some of Mom's coworkers would come up to the hospital to visit her. In the beginning, Aunt Marie allowed them in, until Mom was too tired for any more non-family visitors. They all understood.

On most evenings, family members gathered in a small room that the hospital staff let us use. We would sit around, drink coffee, and sometimes talk. I saw one evening that Jeff had replied to my e-mail with a simple, “I will always love you.”

Mom's illness had a more profound effect than anyone could have imagined. Sophie, Catie, and I reconnected during our long hospital visits. Catie shared how unhappy she had been with her life. Even with all the grandeur of couture and luxury, she admitted to being completely miserable. The emptiness she felt when the Johnson's died apparently resulted in her being afraid to get close to anyone again, for fear of losing them. I knew she suffered, but I really had no clue how deep it was and how much she had kept to herself.

“I can't believe you held all of that in for so long,” Sophie said between sniffles.

“I know. Sometimes I didn't even realize it. I just tried to put it out of my mind. Tried to pretend I didn't hurt and that all of the things that I had were enough. But now . . .” she said with tears in her eyes. “Now . . . looking at Miss Nita in that hospital bed makes me realize that no matter how much I try to pretend, it's possible that I will lose somebody else again in this lifetime. That's just how life goes. In the meantime though, I wanna live. Really live. I want a family and a real job and I want to have dinner parties and a real relationship. I'm worth that. I deserve that.”

Sophie and I were speechless. We cried and hugged. No one thought it was unusual, and probably thought we were crying about mom.

After we composed ourselves some, I looked up and saw Terry Beat standing in the doorway. My heart jumped and Catie did a double take. Sophie stared open mouthed at her dad and new tears welled in her eyes. As I hugged him, I noticed that he still wore the same cologne from when we were kids. It made me emotional all over again as I thought about how close our families used to be.

“Ny!” he said, hugging me tight.

“Hi, Uncle Terry,” I said and immediately started crying. He held me for a long time.

“Catie?” he said.

Catie smiled.

“Hi, Uncle Terry,” she said, standing to hug him.

It's sad that it takes tragedies to bring friends together again, but seeing Terry really made my day. When he looked over at Sophie, she finally walked over and gave him a hug. She hugged him and cried in his arms. Her body shook in her dad's arms and he held her tighter. He whispered something in her ear and she cried harder. Catie and I moved away to give them as much privacy as we could in the small room. Terry held on to Sophie for what seemed like forever.

“I'm a little better now that you are here,” Sophie said, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

“You know I love you.”

She nodded.

Just then, Roscoe walked into the room. When he saw Terry, he squinted, as if to make sure his eyes weren't deceiving him.

“It's good to see you, man,” Terry said.

Sophie backed away from Terry and Roscoe, and she sat down quietly.

“It's good to see you too, man,” Roscoe said. “This is gonna make Anita's day.”

“I had to be here,” Terry said. “How are you holding up, man?”

“It's pretty scary, thinking my sunshine may be leaving me for good.”

Terry put his hand on Roscoe's shoulder.

“Thank you for coming, Terry.”

As they embraced, Terry nodded to Uncle Riley and Aunt Deb, and smiled to everyone else. Then I got up, hugged Terry again, led him by the hand to Mom's room, and we both went in. I could feel the sweat in his palm.

Aunt Marie looked up when we walked in. “Terry!” she exclaimed. She stood and threw her arms around him.

To my surprise, Mom was awake. She smiled as much as she could. “Beat Man!” she whispered weakly. “What's up, boy?”

“What's up yourself, Sassy?”

He bent over to hug her. Aunt Marie motioned for me to leave the room with her. When I looked back, Terry and Mom were still embraced.

Terry visited with Mom for a while. I don't know what they said to each other. I was just happy that he made it in time. When he came out, Aunt Marie went back in. Catie announced that she needed to leave. I walked Catie to the elevator and gave her a big hug. I was still overjoyed on the inside. We cried once more before I let her go.

“Love you, girlie,” she said quietly.

“Love you, too. You know everything's going to be okay, right?”

“I do. I really do,” she said. “You know everything's going to be okay too, right?”

“I do,” I said.

“We got this,” she said giving me a fist bump. With that, she disappeared behind the elevator doors.

“Would you guys like to get something to eat?” Terry asked Sophie and me.

I explained, “My friend Carl is coming to pick me up.”

“Sophie?” Terry asked, looking at his daughter.

“Um, I guess I'll go with you,” she said slowly. “But we'll wait with you here, Ny, until Carl picks you up.”

While we waited, we talked about Mom.

“She's always been there for me,” Sophie said. “I don't understand why this horrible thing has happened to such a beautiful person.”

Tears filled my eyes.

“Are you okay, Anaya?” Terry asked.

“Yeah, I'm okay. Go ahead, Sophie.”

“I was gonna say that she always told me that no matter what anybody said, that I would be fine. And you know what, Daddy? She's right. I am gonna make it.”

Terry put his head down, obviously ashamed of the way he had neglected his wife and daughter. It was understandable that he had a demanding career but it seemed that he had all but abandoned them. After his music career skyrocketed, his presence became less while Sophie's defiance increased. I felt sorry for all of them. It was a sad situation for everyone. I am sure that's why Sophie turned to drugs. Much like Catie, she was trying to numb the pain of losing her father. They used to be so close and now their relationship was almost nonexistent. As I watched Sophie interact with her dad, she looked more content than I had seen her in a long time.

“I messed up, Sophie,” he said.

“Yes, you did,” she said.

“I can try to do better.”

“There's more you can do. But before you do anything, you have to want to do more.”

Terry put his face in his hands. I started to leave.

“Don't go, Ny,” Sophie said, holding out her hand to stop me. “This is a family moment, and you're family.”

I sat back down.

“I'm not mad at you anymore, Daddy,” she acknowledged. “I learned to let that anger go. It was hard, but I did it. You left me when you knew I needed you. I stumbled and fell, but I got back up. On my own.”

Terry rubbed his eyes.

“I love you, baby,” he said.

“I know,” Sophie said.

She had come a long way, and I was proud of her. Mom was right—Sophie was going to be just fine.

When Carl came to pick me up, I was feeling good. The conversation with Catie did me good. And Terry and Sophie finally connecting made for an even better night. I knew they still had a ways to go, but it was so wonderful to see them taking the first steps. They deserved happiness and it was right in front of them. All they had to do now was have a conversation with Carmen. It was obvious that Terry didn't want to be married to her anymore, and he needed to find a way to separate his relationship with Carmen from his relationship with Sophie. Just because he and Carmen weren't working out didn't mean he had to leave Sophie behind. He hadn't said it, but looking at him with his daughter, made me think he finally understood that.

Carl and I were doing great, considering the circumstances with Mom. Most of our “dates” lately were in the hospital cafeteria or at a nearby deli. I was sometimes overwhelmed by how supportive and comforting he was. After all we'd been through, he was still a good friend to me. As soon as we were away from my family, I gave him a big kiss.

“Mmm. What was
that
for?”

“For being you.”

“Well, I guess I oughta be me more often.”

We kissed again, and this time he kissed me more seriously than ever before. My toes were tingling.

“Wow!” I said, catching my breath.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just wow.”

“Didn't know I had it in me, did you?”

“I suspected.”

“I tried to give you a lil' taste in Arizona, but you were too scared.”

“Scared? Who was scared? You fell asleep!” I laughed a little, but I stopped when I saw that he was serious.

“You were scared,” he repeated. “Either you were scared, or you just weren't feeling me like that.”

“Carl, it wasn't the right time.”

“Okay,” he said shortly.

I knew where he was coming from, and I knew how frustrated he had been with me. I put my arm around his as we walked toward the car, but he just looked straight ahead without saying anything.

“It's cool,” he finally said.

“You always say that.”

“Stop whining. I said it's okay. Your priorities are your priorities. It's clear they don't include me.”

It was hard to nurture a relationship in the middle of everything else that was going on. But I was committed to doing my best, and Carl was steadfastly patient. I knew Carl had issues with our past and had things he needed to talk about, but I loved him so much for holding those things back, for the sake of my situation. He was a great guy. Rather than argue, we were silent on the way to the deli.