Always In: The Shore Series Book 2 (2 page)

“And how is your family adapting to the new changes with your father leaving his old firm and beginning one on his own?”

Now that part was a bit tricky for a while. My father had left the law firm my late grandfather had started long before my father was born; leaving behind his share in the ownership in the country club my family has been a part of for fifty years, leaving behind part of his inheritance. All that was a bit messy, but what wasn't messy was kicking my sweet, old granny to the curb. It's something my dad said he should have done a long time ago.

"My dad is wonderful. So many of his clients followed him. One of the partners, his paralegal, and his secretary went along for the ride. Dad's a smart man. I wish now he would have done it sooner. He only stayed around because my mom wanted to keep the peace between us all. Not for the money, but because family is everything to my mom."

Dr. Goldberg writes some more and I can hear the steady stream of the cool air come through the vents in the ceiling.

"When your parents found out about the plan your grandmother had in place for you—to sabotage your relationship with Cruz—they didn't hesitate to put an end to their relationship with her, even though you don't remember your relationship with him. Correct?”

From what I can recall, yes, all that was true. I missed so much. I really did. I don't remember six weeks of my life... Actually, let me rephrase that, a chunk of the better part of a year of my life.

"Yes. Even though I urged them not to, because honestly, I didn't know the facts and I don’t remember our relationship."

“So you still have no recollection of the relationship between you and Cruz?”

As hard as I try, night after night as I lay awake trying to remember, I don’t. I remember being friends and hanging out in Sandy Cove. I remember the one night, the first night we were together. But that's all. I know the facts about when I was in the coma. I know that he never left my side. He slept there, ate there, lived there until I woke up. When I woke, and I heard him call me baby and when he began to hug and kiss me, I was confused. I didn't understand the intimacy. It was like a stranger was there. He was my friend. We had good times together with the rest of our friends that summer, but I don't remember that we were in love, that we had a sexual relationship other than the first night we met, that we had a long-distance relationship. I don't remember telling him I loved him on New Year's Eve, and about our breakup. I found out later why he did it. Craw told me everything. Evelyn Hannum practically forced his hand into doing it. Albeit it was the wrong way to approach the situation and I feel horrible that he was put into that quandary, but it changed nothing for me. I may have loved him as a friend but as for being the love of my life...I recall nothing. I want to, I really do, but if there is nothing there, how can I force myself to feel something I know nothing about?

When I think about how freaked out I was when I woke up and his being the only face I saw at first, I feel so terrible. The way I reacted, how I pushed him away not knowing what we shared, it plagues me. He was in love with me, and I apparently with him. It's funny what memory the brain and the heart choose to recall. In the case of Cruz and me, neither one is working.

“Cruz has written me repeatedly, proclaiming his love and devotion, but no matter what the letters say, I still can’t recall our relationship. Why? Why is that, Dr. Goldberg?”

I turn my head and look to the window near to me, like out side of it holds all the answers.

“I’m sorry, Harlow.” He looks discouraged for me because I can’t remember.

"Dr. Goldberg, I wish with my whole heart I could remember how he felt about me, how I felt about him, but I can't. I have memories of the teasing he did, the wild interludes with girls he had while living next to him and how it annoyed me. I’m not sure I told him intimate details though. Like what happened with Chad and the baby and how I’m not able to have children.”

The only reason my parents found out was because of my internal injuries. I was bleeding, so when the doctors did and internal exam and ultrasound, they saw that I had a partial hysterectomy. Craw explained it all to them when I was in the coma. They were devastated at first because I kept it from them, but once I woke up and became stronger, I told them everything. I mean everything. The golden boy, Chad, was no longer the golden boy. Dad wanted to kill him. I asked him not to. It was in the past. Chad would have to live with his demons. The sad thing is I can remember such a horrific thing like getting an abortion and almost dying because of it, but I can't remember being in love.

Chad was arrested for driving a watercraft under the influence, but due to his father's connections, was released and the case dropped. My dad is fighting it. He almost killed me. Perhaps it is partially my fault for going with him, but I don't remember going either.

The letters just kept coming from Cruz. Almost daily. Cards and flowers, too. I would find him lurking around the halls while I was in the hospital. If I were being wheeled to physical therapy, I'd notice him duck to avoid me seeing him. The nurses confirmed his presence even when I wasn’t sure. I think they felt it was romantic. I know he would come into my room late at night. I didn't sleep very well after I woke from the coma, and even though I faced the other way, I could feel a presence there. He knew all the nurses and the staff so I’m guessing they felt bad for him and let him look in on me. It got to be uncomfortable after a while so I asked Craw to talk to him, to request that he give me space until I could wrap my head around everything. Coming out of a coma isn't the easiest thing for a person. I experienced nauseating headaches, pain in my legs and back, my speech was slurred, and it took me a few weeks to actually eat solid food. When Craw told me he spoke with him, he didn't elaborate on how he took the news. But the look on Craw's face when I asked him, told me it didn't go so well.

Dr. Goldberg jots down some more, and I uncomfortably move in my seat. My legs are hurting today. I think it may rain tonight.

“The letters stopped after Craw spoke with Cruz. By that time I was back at home.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“I’m not sure. Sad for him.”

“Have you heard how he is?”

"Drinking a lot. That pains me to know that."

"That’s understandable. Have you tried to reach out to him through Porter? Perhaps Cruz requires reassurance that you still want to be friends, and by being honest with him, he may be able to work through this and accept friendship."

"Sadly, no. I’m not ready for that. I am concerned for his wellbeing, but as you have recommended, I have to take care of me first. I have to learn to live on my own again. I have to prepare for the upcoming school year, and deal with my therapies. I have to move on, Dr. Goldberg, and so does Cruz."

***

Craw always picks me up from therapy and takes me home. Both therapies actually. He waits for me at the front door of Dr. Goldberg’s building, but as I exit the elevator doors, it's not only him I see, but Willow and Thea, too. They are dressed for the beach and I have a sneaky suspicion they have plans for me. I’ve known them my whole life, so I know when I’m being kidnapped for a day at the beach.

As I make my way to the door, I’m engulfed in hugs from the girls. When I pull away I already shake my head no.

"No way, girl. Not happening. I just want to go back to my condo and relax before I have to start work again."

"Too late," Willow sings. "We went to your house, packed you a bag, and now we are going to handcuff you, stick a burlap sack over your head, and steal you away from the jail that is Princeton."

"I’m not going anywhere, Willow. I’m not ready."

"Oh, hog wash. Get your ass in the car and let's go sip on some beers and enjoy the beach before we have to deal with a bunch of acne-faced, hormonal pre-teens for nine months."

Craw slugs his arm around my shoulder as he leans against the glass door of the building and bends in my ear.

"Har, I think you're ready. You need this. It's just the weekend." I look to my brother who I trust with my life. I bear my soul to him time and time again and I do know that he knows what's best for me.

"But what if—" Craw stops me before I can finish.

"What if what? What of you see Cruz in Sandy Cove? Yes, I'll be honest with you. You may see him. He doesn't live at Porter's parents’ anymore. He has his own place again."

"Again?" I question.

Craw looks like he doesn't want to fill me in, but he knows I'll ask again if he doesn't. I can be relentless.

"Yes, again. He had gotten his own apartment before the accident when Porter had kicked him out of his house. When you didn't wake up, he wouldn't leave. This you already know. But he had to give up his apartment in Sandy Cove. When you woke up, he went to live with his brother."

I get a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. Poor guy. He gave that up for me.

"But what about his job? He got it back, right?"

"Yes, for Sandy Cove, and he rents a place not too far from the station. But don't worry. I spoke to him. He knows to give you your space. He just cares about you, Har, and he is dealing with this just like you are."

"Yes, drinking solves a lot, doesn't it?" I probably should not have said it that way.

Craw gives me a soft but warning look.

"Harlow, that's not fair. Max and Porter are keeping tabs on him. He knows he can't mess up or get out of control. And he knows to be respectful and keep his distance."

I ask him again.

"But why is he not at Porter's place again?"

The three of them look at one another, clearly trying to figure out what to say next. I bite my thumbnail waiting for them to answer. I get aggravated almost immediately from their silence.

"Well, for fuck’s sake. Would someone tell me why?" Still the deafening silence resumes and now I just want to leave.

"Never mind. I already know the answer. Let's just go."

I carefully climb into the car with Craw’s help, and he sticks my crutches in the trunk of Willow’s BMW. The air conditioning is on full blast, cooling me automatically. I think about the answer they would have given me. Why Cruz isn't staying at Porter's parents’ anymore. It's because of me.

I’m emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. I usually am after a session with Dr.Goldberg, but including Cruz in that mix outside my session makes intensifies those feelings.

CHAPTER 2

I'll keep playing this song till I’m all out of quarters

Cruz~

She's here. Not here like in front of me, but she's here in Sandy Cove. My anxiety has erupted into something I can't control. I can't sit still, I can't really think. I can't do this mother-fucking job right now. Craw called to tell me that he was going to try and convince her to come for the weekend. He basically asked me—in the nicest of ways because we have become friends—to stay away from her while she's here. I will do as he asks and only because I know in my heart I need to give her some space. The doctors told her she could regain some of her memory eventually, but there's no timeline. My only hope is that it does happen. If I were a magician, the first thing I'd do would be to bring her memories back. Make her remember us. We were in love. I didn't tell her until it was too late but that's the guilt I'll have to live with. I once said to her that if she just wanted to be friends then I would have to live with that, but I wouldn't live without her in my life.

Things change. I’m living without her. I
exist
without her. Barely. Craw told me they are going to Jax. When I heard that I was surprised she agreed to go there, then I remembered that it's just another place to her. She has no memory that Jax was the place I told her I wanted to be with her. That it was the place I told her how I felt about her. I don't even know if she remembers that was where we first met. The bathroom. Fuck bathrooms. Well that one anyway.

I started writing her letters in order to jog her memory of what we had. They just confused her and kept on breaking me apart when there was no response. Once Craw asked me to stop writing them, I did. Reluctantly, but I did. I left the hospital when the nurses and her doctor asked me. Her parents felt horrible. They thanked me for being by her side all those weeks, and for never giving up hope. But they told me I needed to stay away so she could recover. It gutted me. Not being able to help her, hold her, be there for her. Sometimes it is too much for me—not being there for her like I always was. I stopped driving by her parents’ rental house. That was where they took her once she was strong enough to leave the hospital, but not strong enough to go back to Princeton. I saw her leave to go home, though. I parked down the street. She looked so small and fragile as Porter and Craw carried her down to the car. That should have been me carrying her. Me. I thought my heart would break again right there like it did day after day while she was in her coma. I watched her be driven away, out of my line of sight, out of my life. That's when the numbness began to take shape.

So here I am again. Knowing she's in Sandy Cove, do I revert back to my stalker-like tendencies, or just stay away? Just one look at her is all I need. I just need to see her beautiful hair, her skin. I just want to see her smile.

My shift is almost over. It's nighttime. Now what the hell do I do with myself? All my friends are out with the girls and I can't be anywhere she is. I'll spend the night pacing the floor of my shitty apartment, getting hammered by myself, and wishing things were different. I wish every day things were different.

As soon as I'm off duty, I switch from my patrol car to my own, and take off for my apartment. Thoughts go through my mind, plans in the making. I go through them like I’m making a list to go grocery shopping or something.

A. Go find someone to just fuck and pretend it's Harlow, just to get off. Which I know I’m not going to do, but I still weigh it as an option because soon I will be a virgin again cause it's been so long.