All New Letters From a Nut (52 page)

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My Room

Hey Ted, it’s me Fred.

Having a great time.

Snorkeling, darts, wrestled a raccoon. Its name was Roy. I have a rash. The Place where I’m at is great! Its an red building with a lot of windows. My Shoclace broke. Let univ. of SD know still have a gift for them. My elastic gave out. Be home soon. F.D.

Ted L. Nancy

1413 1/2 Kennet Rd.

# 193

Glendale, CA 90301

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1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Lost & Found
Ritz Carlton Hotel
Suzer Plaza, Elmadag
Askerocagi Cad. No: 15
34367 Sisli – Istanbul
Turkey

14 May 2009

Dear Ritz Carlton Hotel Turkey:

I am wondering if you found a RUBBER GORILLA CHEST WITH RUBBER GORILLA NIPPLES on it. I lost them in your hotel. Let me describe: these are nipples approximately 1 inch long by 1/2 inch around. They do not squirt; rubber, not real. Only one has an indent in it. May have a hair. The chest looks like any chest (on a gorilla) Did you find? It may have loosened in the bathroom when I took off my rubber gorilla feet?

I was distracted when I needed a wipette and you were out. so I went to another stall to get a moist towelette and to see if you had a sanitary protective guard. With both stalls open, a mirror in my eyes, and disoriented I became confused and foggy. ROY!

Did you find? This rubber gorilla chest has no value other then to me for presentations. It is hairy. Maybe someone turned it in. Maybe they took it to the restaurant. It is someplace. Where?

You are a fine hotel. And most courteous to your guests.

Restfully,

F.D. Nancy (MR)

P.S. You have great Kebabs!

Full text of the above letter to follow.

May 25, 2009

F.D. Nancy (MR)

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201
Dear Mr. Nancy,

I would like to kindly inform you that thru all the investigations we have done in the restaurant and lobby area (including the mens restroom) we could not find your lost item. We have also looked thru our records, but no item similar as you are mentioning has been delivered to our department.

For your kind information.

Kind Regards,

Dan Strone of Trident Media Group and his assistant, Lyuba DiFalco. Charlie Conrad and Jenna Ciongoli of Broadway Books. Alan Marder, Susan Marder, Cookie and Mark Silver, Sharon Siegel, Justin Siegel, Nancy Abrams, Marilyn, Cele, and Marty. Dan Halsted, Nate Miller and Hershel Davis in Dan’s office, Hershel Pearl, and Johnny Dark. Jose at the mail place. Dr. Mickey Weisberg, Jeanne. Dr. Mark Gerard, Irma, Mel, and Anna, who take care of Me. Dr. Michael Robbins, Jessica, Vicki, Nataliya, Roksana—Tooth. Dr. Douglas Shreck—Heart. Dr. Curtis Howard—Back. Dr. Jenna Libed—Toe. Dr. Theodore Goldstein—Spine. Eric Bjorgum, lawyer to me, Ted L. Nancy. Settled tartar sauce suit with extreme crab fishermen. Keeps filth off me.

Linda Shaw, Deborah Gottlieb, Bill, Ann, and Connie Hunt, Jack and Kim Wiener, Larry Vazeos, Philip Halpern, Stanley, Dollie, Andy, Ivan, Betsy Jonas, Alyson Daar, and Brody and Annie.

Phyllis Murphy. Who puts up with me. I know I wouldn’t do it. But that’s just me. I tell her, “I’m easy like Sunday morning. That’s because I’m on medication Saturday night.” Ted is in love with her.

And a special thanks to Jerry Seinfeld, who gives far more than he ever receives. If only everybody knew.

Ted L. Nancy is a proud citizen of the United States of America. He is a veteran, having served in the United States Air Force for four years. (Truth.) He does not like chives. He will tolerate pimentos in his tuna. He has moved to Glendale, California, to be closer to the Turkish paranormal community. He has made contact and has been examined aboard a UFO. (But it could have been an apartment in Reno. All he knows is someone yelled, “Dude,” and held his shirt up, and he saw IKEA shelving.)

Write to him at:

Ted L. Nancy
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Visit him at:
TedLNancy.com