A Christmas Wish (5 page)

Poppy was desperate to know what Jade McKeever was right about now, but didn’t want to open another can of worms; she was lacking the energy and inclination for another battle with her daughter. Silence reigned supreme for twenty seconds.

‘Can I get a pet?’

Poppy sighed. ‘Oh, love, not that again! I’ve told you, no, not yet.’

‘But why not yet?’ Peg stuck out her bottom lip.

‘Because you would lose interest in it after a week and it would become
my
pet and I would be the one that ended up cleaning up guinea pig poo on top of everything else!’

‘I wouldn’t lose interest in it, Mum. I’d love it! It would be so cute! Jade McKeever says you can get guinea pig outfits on the internet. Her cousin got some and she dresses hers up to look like Sherlock Holmes or a lady ballroom dancer.’

Poppy snorted her laughter. ‘That is hilarious and I agree, tempting, but the answer is still no.’

Peg, indignant, considered her next course of action. ‘I know, I’m going to Sellotape my mouth shut to stop words coming out and then I can’t say anything wrong if I can’t say anything at all.’

Poppy chortled. ‘Don’t let me stop you.’

She listened to Peg rummaging in the craft box, then heard sticky tape being pulled and ripped. She flicked her head to the back seat, where Peg was sitting with four pieces of tape crisscrossing her mouth. Poppy laughed, wondering how long her daughter could last without talking. It would be at least another ten minutes before they arrived; she doubted she’d last the rest of the journey.

A couple of minutes later, Peg resorted to writing notes in her pad and holding them up for Poppy to read in the mirror. The first was,
I need a wee
, followed by,
Put One Direction on.
This second instruction Poppy couldn’t read, sadly, not even when Peg held the note directly under her nose and pointed at each word in earnest.

‘No, sorry, Peg, still not got it!’

Peg beat her fists either side of her on the back seat as Max chuckled and copied her.

Poppy pulled the car into the driveway and parked on the gravel. It had been months since she had last been there; the carpet of petals from the climbing white tea rose that clung to the old brickwork of the cottage had given way to snow. Despite the chill of winter, she felt the same flicker of warmth in the pit of her stomach. It was like coming home.

A lamp shone from every window of the cottage and the small wooden front door was adorned with a vast ivy and berry wreath. The two bay trees that stood either side of the porch had been decked with lights and the whole scene looked like it had come straight out of a fancy Christmas card.

Claudia trotted from the house in her festive apron and her reading glasses, with her hair slightly askew, waving and clapping her hands until they came to rest under her chin. She kissed Poppy warmly on the cheek. ‘There you are! Kettle’s on. Don’t ever get your squeaky brakes fixed or I won’t know it’s you and you’d have to wait a good minute or so longer for your tea.’

Peg stood in front of the two women as they embraced. She emitted a series of grunts and hums, very keen for her taped mouth to be admired.

‘Why have you got tape over your mouth, sweetie?’

‘Don’t ask.’ Poppy shook her head as they made their way inside the cottage.

‘She makes me laugh.’ Claudia beamed at Peg, who peeled off her tape and rushed forward to hug her not-real Granny.

‘I did my school play and I was sheep number six!’

‘Wow! That sounds wonderful. Did you have any lines?’

‘Yes, lots, and I got them all right!’

‘I can’t wait to hear all about it.’ Claudia laughed.

Peg ran into the sitting room and wound a length of tinsel around her neck and over her shoulders, like a feather boa. ‘Look, Maxy, I’m on the
X Factor
!’

Poppy tutted. ‘I have to admit, I wasn’t laughing much a couple of days ago, at parents’ evening.’

‘Oh, that bad?’ Claudia grimaced.

‘Not
bad
exactly. I think it’s my fault partly – I had such an unhappy time at school that I’m a wreck before I even go inside.’ Poppy lowered her voice. ‘Peg’s teacher is a bit of a cow and I can tell Peg doesn’t like her. But thankfully she has her friend Jade McKeever to teach her everything she needs to know, and Jade McKeever’s word is law, apparently!’

Claudia smiled, then shook her head. ‘Her teacher sounds like a silly woman. She probably doesn’t get Peg and that’s a great shame. A child like Peg is a gift in a class if you use their energy and creativity correctly.’

Poppy thought how she would have loved to have had a teacher like Claudia – not that her school had taught Classics or had even heard of it!

Claudia sighed. ‘But if she doesn’t know how to get the best out of her, then she will just try to control her, keep her down and Peg will feel boxed in and there will be tension.’

‘I think you should go in my place to the next one.’ Poppy smiled and sipped at her tea.

‘With pleasure! I fought a few battles for Miles in my time.’

Poppy watched as Claudia’s eyes clouded. She couldn’t imagine losing a child. How could you begin to accept that all the dreams and plans you had for them were not going to come to fruition? It was a horrible thought. The worst.

‘It
was
slightly awkward. She thinks Mart is in prison!’

‘What?’ Claudia roared. ‘Oh, he’d love that! He’s off doing his bit and meanwhile his reputation is being destroyed! Poor thing.’

‘I know, but I didn’t feel I could say!’ Poppy chewed her bottom lip. ‘Mind you, he may as well be in prison, we see so little of him. In fact it might be a bit easier, at least we’d get visiting rights!’

‘You must be missing him?’ Claudia asked, her voice soft.

Poppy nodded. ‘I really am. I don’t sleep properly and I’m always worrying, I can’t help it. They say you get used to it, but I certainly never have. When he’s home I don’t like being in a different room to him, let alone this.’

‘Poor love.’ Claudia smiled.

‘I need to try and be more positive.’ Poppy rallied herself. ‘And I’m great most of the time. I keep it together for the kids, but when they’ve gone to bed and I’m on my own, or if something happens, like having to deal with Peg’s horrible teacher, I just miss him.’

‘That’s understandable, but you know he’s safe, don’t you? Has he called?’

‘Yes. The night before last, in fact, which was lovely.’ She smiled at the memory. ‘I know Peg really misses him and that makes me feel even guiltier. It’s like everything is on hold – we don’t have a properly family life when he’s away and it’s like a double blow when he’s not here for a birthday or Christmas. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Claudia. If we didn’t come here and get spoiled, we’d just be at home, going through the motions, I do try, but…’

‘Oh I know, love, you don’t have to explain. It’s the same for me. I miss Miles most of all at those times; even decorating the tree is painful. I picture his little hands passing me baubles and ornaments from the box when he was little. Without him it all feels a little pointless, but then I think of Peg and Max and it gives me the lift I need to keep going.’

Claudia’s words made Poppy feel instantly guilty. What wouldn’t Claudia give to have her son alive and working away, knowing she would see him at some point, one more Christmas.

Poppy looked at the beautiful Christmas tree that sat by the side of the vast fireplace and dominated the room. It was fairly short but full. Each bushy branch held a red china Santa, a reindeer or a salt-dough star, painted and glittery, probably Miles’ handiwork. Strings of fairy lights flickered in abundance and the effect was magical.

Tens of cards were strung up above the fireplace between two hooks, each held in place by a tiny festive peg. On all the coffee tables and in the deep-set windowsills were cream-coloured church candles that sat in ornate rings of velvety green spruce with minute pinecones and red berries threaded through them. A fire crackled in the grate and piles of logs and kindling were heaped up in deep willow baskets alongside the fireplace, ready to meet their fate over the Christmas period.

Poppy watched as Claudia arranged a plate of cinnamon-sugar cookies to accompany their cups of tea. It felt lovely to be looked after and she felt the tension leaving her shoulders. She noted the streaks of grey in the loose bun that sat at the nape of Claudia’s neck; they had grown wider and lighter since Poppy had last seen her. The lines creeping from the corner of her eyes and across her honey-coloured brow were deeper and had multiplied. It was the first time Poppy had thought of her as old.

She wandered over to look at the photographs of Miles that were dotted around the room. Miles as a child with his late father on a boat, wearing shorts and grinning into the camera with his sailor’s hat over one eye. Another at his graduation, his arm carelessly slung across his mother’s shoulders in a gesture that had now assumed unbearable poignancy. Poppy’s favourite was a black and white shot of him caught unawares, laughing, with his index finger placed over his mouth; it was a side view, his dark curly hair falling over his forehead and his eyes crinkled, just how she pictured them. It had been taken shortly before he was killed. She touched her fingers to his face. ‘I love this picture.’

‘Me too.’ Claudia nodded. ‘He was a handsome boy.’

‘He was.’ Poppy smiled.

Max was curled up sleepily on the sofa. She gathered him up, not wanting him to doze off just yet or he wouldn’t sleep through the night. ‘Come on, Max, let’s show Granny Claudia your dinosaurs.’

‘Yes!’ Max squealed. As ever, a man of few words.

‘Granny Claudia, I want to fly a plane!’ Peg gushed, worried her Granny Claudia was about to be commandeered for dino play.

‘What, right now?’

‘No!’ Peg shrieked. ‘When I’m big.’

‘Oh!’ Claudia winked at Poppy. ‘That hasn’t worn off then. I remember you saying that the last time I saw you.’

‘Yep. I still do. I want to fly all over the place.’

‘I’ll be sure to tell you which airline she is working for, Claudia, so that you can book a different one.’ Poppy grinned.

‘I might not even work for an airline, Mum. I might join the army and fly attack helicopters.’

‘I thought you hated the army?’

‘I only hate them because they’ve got my dad! I think I would like to be a soldier and fly over the baddies!’

‘I don’t think so.’ Poppy’s smile slipped a little.

Peg stamped her tiger-feet slippers on the wooden floor. ‘But you said I can do whatever makes me happy!’

‘I lied.’ Poppy placed Max on her hip and carried him into the kitchen.

Claudia sat at the table and took him from her, scooping the sleepy boy into her arms, inhaling the scent of his sweet, blonde scalp. ‘Ooh, you’ve grown, little man!’

‘He’s a solid lump of gorgeousness!’ Poppy bent and gently bit his chubby leg. ‘He’s the image of Mart. It’s weird for me, Claudia. Mart and I were already friends when we were Peg’s age! That’s only a few years for Max and I can see him morphing more into his dad every day.’

Max gave a very broad grin and clapped. The two women chorused their approval. ‘Yay! Clapping – you are so clever.’

‘Ducks here!’ Max pointed to the window.

‘Oh you
are
clever! He remembers the ducks in the pond last time he came! We shall go outside tomorrow after breakfast and see what we can find, Max. After you have opened your presents and once Mummy and I have had a good catch-up.’ Claudia set the toddler down on the floor and watched him race around the floor with the wobbly gait of a drunk, still woozy from impending sleep and clutching a triceratops in his hand.

Peg got on the floor and followed her little brother, corralling him under the kitchen table. She pulled him close to her and whispered into his ear. ‘Stay close by me when we open our presents, Max. They might try to trick us. Sometimes they might give you an orange and a walnut and make out that is your only present, but your real presents will be close by so don’t have a turn, just say thank you very much! And if they give you a little bell wrapped up, don’t look sad, that means they are going to take you into the garage and give you a bike or a scooter. It’s like a little clue and it makes them very happy, but you mustn’t let on that you know. Jade McKeever told me that. Okay?’

‘Okay.’ Max nodded as he bit the tail of his dinosaur.

Claudia smiled as she tuned into Peg’s mumblings. The two children scuttled out from beneath the table and made their way back to the sofa, where they flopped and put the television on.

‘I’ve been so excited waiting for you to arrive. It’s lovely to have you all here.’

‘We couldn’t wait to get here!’

Claudia pulled up the sleeve of her shirt and glanced at her watch. ‘I’ve got a last-minute errand to run, do you mind if I pop out for a mo?’ She stood, reaching for her handbag and car keys.

‘Not at all. Shall we come with you?’

‘No, no! You stay here, get settled. It’s literally a little something I want to pick up for the kids.’

‘Oh, you don’t have to get them any more, really.’

‘It’s important and I want to.’ She kissed Poppy’s cheek as she passed.

It felt natural, nice. Poppy had learned to welcome the human touch that had been absent during her childhood; being constantly pawed and kissed by the children had worn away any last vestiges of awkwardness.

Claudia was back within the hour and quickly set about preparing more tea.

‘How are you
really
doing, Claudia?’ Poppy asked, quietly, sincerely.

Claudia placed the teapot on the work surface and turned to face the young woman who under different circumstances might have been her daughter-in-law, the kind of girl she’d hoped Miles might marry.

‘Oh, you know.’ She let her eyes narrow with the beginnings of a smile. ‘Good days and bad days, same as ever. It’s not going to change for me, Poppy. I think I am as healed as I can be. It actually doesn’t bother me anymore that I’m a bit broken; I don’t want to heal any more than this. It keeps him present. I’m resigned to waking up every day with these rocks of grief hanging from me, weighing me down. I think about him all the time. Even now, if the phone rings, I think, oh, that’ll be Miles. Or I might wake up and think, naughty boy, he hasn’t phoned me for an age. And when I remember, it’s like I’m receiving the news again for the first time; the shock nearly knocks me over, every single time.’